Monday, January 10, 2005

The child's eyes started to water as memories began to flood into and replace his tear-filled vision.

Man: It's sad.

Boy: Don't say it so simply!...I don't know if she still feels...if I'm still allowed to still feel for her. I fear for her safety but can never be sure of her well-being.

Man: That's why...it is sad.
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   Regrouping
It's been a while since my last post. I'm surprised I've gathered enough concentration to evaluate where I am and to regain my bearings.

No major events to report, no self-fulfilling goals to accomplish...I've merely been living 24-hour lives with the same routine everyday.

Heavy video-gaming is currently filling my void created by too much spare time. It will suffice for several more years however I need more than gaming and looking forward to sword class to break even in terms of happiness.

I don't understand why, or refuse to acknowledge why I have lost motivation to live happily or to accomplish anything worthwhile.

Has fourteen years of seclusion finally resulted in an unpreventable need for someone to share the bliss of life and security of trust with? I should hope not. There are many who have suffered more than I…however I know not of the true extent of his loneliness.

Fourteen years with only acquaintances to call friends and no one to trust has however created some desire for support in the form of a true comrade.

Don’t get me wrong, I see and notice the beauty of everyday, from the way the trees move in the breeze to the giving of change at the lunch line to a complete stranger, down to the feeling received when a sincere thank-you is returned.

No doubt, I should be happy to be living in such a beautiful world…..I was content, as far as I know, four years ago and should be the same now. Why on Earth has the sharing of my life with another now become a requirement of happiness?

This, in my eyes, is an extremely egotistical statement but I believe that an average teenager that has endured this constant emptiness for my amount of time would have pronounced their lives insignificant and committed suicide. I know (or hope) that this is not the case. Empty, yes. Insignificant, no….merely…..unfulfilled.

It’s getting late and as always I’ll fall asleep questioning myself and cursing how my heart holds my brain captive.

Another fruitless ramble with no goals realized and hence, no solutions created.



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Monday, November 29, 2004

   Done
I've just finished a 37 page project due by Tuesday, November 30. It is now Monday, November 29, 11:49 pm. I finihed with plenty of time to spare!

Just got started yesterday but I guess it wasn't a big a project as it sounds. I'm sure Himura will point that out.

In other news, at a Thanksgiving party last week I've discovered a variation of DDR called StepMania. It can be played on the computer and I'll put aup a blog tomorrow maybe 'cause I'm going to go to bed.

99 ways to know you're Asian:

#31: Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In (native country), we studied even more"
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Thursday, November 25, 2004

   Happy Turkey Day
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

   Anybody?
America is in dire need of social reform.

Too many people pooling their ignorance together.

Too many dysfunctional families producing dysfunctional children which powers crime and drug sale which encourages rape and children born as bastards who produce dysfunctional families producing dysfunctional children powering crime and drug sale...etc. etc.

Too many dysfunctional families producing dysfunctional children powering crime and homicide which takes the life of the parent's children and the children's parents producing orphans and crushed dreams. The less determined of those orphans eventually powering crime and rape and producing bastards who produce dysfunctional families who produce dysfunctional children etc. etc...

As you might've noticed the dysfunctional family (or lack of one altogether) is the origin of the crime and violence. The majority of parents have failed to teach their children any code of conduct and morals and respect for authority or appreciation of peace. They have failed to express love or concern and failed to educate them in terms of math and reading and a recent concern...proper SPEECH. "Where you is?" "Where you be?" "Ms Lady I ain't not got no pencil"

Teens are becoming more and more of a problem to society. The number of 8th graders who tried marijuana jumped from 8% in 1991 to 18% in 1996. I know these are outdated statistics but just imagine the growth from 1996 to 2004.

Teenagers have the license to do the priviliges of an adult but still have the mind of a child. This is not a very good combination

Such short-term thought and the mindset of being able to do anything anywhere with *anyone* is merely fueling crime and the production of lives ultimately condemned to the same destruction as their parents.

Parents must learn to teach their children how to live.

If you can't support them, don't have them. Man causes his own pain.

Acts of destruction are more readily learnable and performable than acts of peace. Guess which one the uneducated learns to do first.

As the portion of the hard-working American population earns more money, the deliberate unemployed are going to envy us. But what will they do to make more money? Deliberate unemployment kinda hinders that, doesn't it?

They'll vote for Democratic politicians who earn votes by offering welfare.

I don't oppose welfare. I oppose people who don't try to work themselves out of poverty and leech on the government. I oppose leaders who use that fact to their advantage to earn votes. Notice I said "democratic politicians" as to not offend Democrats.

Who else but man causes man's pain?

Overprovided welfare merely gives support to crime.

Yes, I understand there has been inflation within the economy but I can't emphasize enough that I recognize that there are a lot of good, hard-working people who depend upon welfare for the time being.

What I'm attacking is over-provided welfare used to help support the people who commit the crimes and the irresponsible parents who fail as guardians to the lives they've wrongfully brought into this world. It's not fair to give them life and fail to culture and support it.

Am I the only one who sees this? I need to know if there are others.
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Monday, November 22, 2004

   Today MIGHT be the day
Two of our white belts might be taking their green belt test today. Which is kinda nice for me 'cause one of them will actually be competition but might be able to help the peeps out rather than me myself getting stuck teaching all lesson.

Anyways a wedding is coming up this weekend so I had to get myself a new suit for the occasion. Glad I got a good one since my dad said I'll be wearing it for the next five or so years lol. Anyone know anything about Pronto Uomo™ suits?

Where there are brides...there are bride's maids...
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Thursday, November 18, 2004

   AVIDsworddemonstrationfundraiser
My swordmates and I did a sword demonstration at school for a fundraiser today. I just got home now (it's 7:30) and I'm already really tired.

During the demonstration we fell short (we needed to burn 40 minutes) and I had to do a stand-up/educational comedy act to keep the dinner audience occupied.

During rehearsal the same day though, after my friends did a really weird technique I ran off trying to hide myself in the backstage. I went head first through the curtains running away and behind it was a brickwall.

It really really hurt. I ran into a hidden brick wall and my teeth and skull seemed to have shifted positions.

It's all good, though. We did a series of contact kata, solo kata, randori, battou-jutsu, and answering questions.
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Tuesday, November 16, 2004

   eh...
Not feeling too good as of yesterday morning. At first I thought it was a cold or flu or fever (I always thought they were the same thing) but the symptoms aren't getting worse but rather staying constant.

Starting to think it's an allergic reaction (Bt what plants release spores during winter?)

Anyways, I've changed "thinking" to "daydreaming" under the hobbies section, I've just now realized that my transition from the one to the other now has become so permanent to merit it to be publicized on the Otaku *egotistical laugh*

If you're a Halo fan, check this out. I recommend starting with episode 39 first.

Red Versus Blue

Compliments to Himura and Vash106 for showing me this, I'm just passing on the smile.
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Monday, November 1, 2004

   Huh...
Felt kinda weird today at school.

Danny over there has a cold and now I've realized that he's the only person I stand next to the whole day, if not, nobody at all.

A certain void persided over the day like what you feel after a fellow comrade has fallen.

But he's just sick (even though I don't know of it's intensity. He never complains of any discomfort).

Such an uplifting feeling when I read that humorous post of his today, how such a seemingly carefree attitude has been taken in midst of sickness.

He once told me that the first step towards disappointment was hope. If that's true, I wouldn't care anyway.

A person with enough spirit could get up as many times as it takes to attain happiness. Suicide is merely a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I can't think of anything that inspires as much hope as another person's resilience in the face of adversity.....of the amazing demonstration of strength a person truly holds within them in the face of great strife.

You, the children charged to inherit this Earth. In your hands may you turn it into a heaven or hell for others. But for yourself, that choice resides in how much you will risk for happiness, how hard you will fight for it, and how you will perceive fortune or misfortune.

Why sit in guilt and use it as an excuse for inaction? Why wallow in depression, in an endless act of self-torture, merely because it seems safer than getting up and trying again?

Do not allow life to be too strong for you.

You, the inheritor of the Earth, must have the foresight to keep it beautiful for our children, and still secure happiness for ourselves.

It takes life to love life.
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   Hehe....I'm screwed
Ah.....another sword class has passed today and another mark has been added to my attendance card.

Today will be of particular interest to me should I look back upon my life and still hold my rank in the dojo as important. We sparred today in sword class.

Like last time, I was paired with a certain Vash106 of the Otaku (he hasn't updated since he joined).

Maybe it was the armour? The oversized mask? Was it because I didn't have my glasses on? Oh....sure...of course I would blame it on my gear or lack of gear.

In the light, I will have to contemplate this more without biased thought and ideas of self-preservation in the interest of my occupation as senior student in the dojo.

I'm not sure how well I did against him, however I didn't do well enough to convince myself of superiority.

Am I expecting too much of myself? It would be very convenient to say so and accept myself as inferior. I guess it's just being so used to always ranking at or near the top in such matters, especially when it comes to the subject of swordsmanship.

It feels kinda difficult admitting to myself that I've fell behind in these skills. I may have gotten stronger but my rivals have too.

I guess what's getting me is this unfamiliar feeling of admitting defeat. Genetically my father and I have always been very hard-headed and arrogant. The only difference is that my father is always right in the end lol.

I will practice harder and concentrate more next time. My credibility in the eyes of my classmates and my teachers depends on pronouncing superiority whenever possible, but in a modest manner.

Enough of me whining. I'm going to sleep.
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