Monday, January 10, 2005

   Regrouping
It's been a while since my last post. I'm surprised I've gathered enough concentration to evaluate where I am and to regain my bearings.

No major events to report, no self-fulfilling goals to accomplish...I've merely been living 24-hour lives with the same routine everyday.

Heavy video-gaming is currently filling my void created by too much spare time. It will suffice for several more years however I need more than gaming and looking forward to sword class to break even in terms of happiness.

I don't understand why, or refuse to acknowledge why I have lost motivation to live happily or to accomplish anything worthwhile.

Has fourteen years of seclusion finally resulted in an unpreventable need for someone to share the bliss of life and security of trust with? I should hope not. There are many who have suffered more than I…however I know not of the true extent of his loneliness.

Fourteen years with only acquaintances to call friends and no one to trust has however created some desire for support in the form of a true comrade.

Don’t get me wrong, I see and notice the beauty of everyday, from the way the trees move in the breeze to the giving of change at the lunch line to a complete stranger, down to the feeling received when a sincere thank-you is returned.

No doubt, I should be happy to be living in such a beautiful world…..I was content, as far as I know, four years ago and should be the same now. Why on Earth has the sharing of my life with another now become a requirement of happiness?

This, in my eyes, is an extremely egotistical statement but I believe that an average teenager that has endured this constant emptiness for my amount of time would have pronounced their lives insignificant and committed suicide. I know (or hope) that this is not the case. Empty, yes. Insignificant, no….merely…..unfulfilled.

It’s getting late and as always I’ll fall asleep questioning myself and cursing how my heart holds my brain captive.

Another fruitless ramble with no goals realized and hence, no solutions created.



Comments (12)