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Birthday
• 1988-12-12
Gender
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Female
Location
• In the United States
Member Since
• 2005-03-20
Occupation
• VC/Carinos
Real Name
• Jess
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• Not really any big ones as of now.
Anime Fan Since
• the first time my sis brought home the first Friuts Basket home
Favorite Anime
• I like alot; Inuyasha, Full Metal Alchemist, Naruto, DN Angel, Fruits Basket, and Samurai X to name a few
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• Graduate and become successful
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• I have taken up writing lately, although I don't think I am good at it
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Wednesday, June 6, 2007
My life just keeps getting worse...beautiful misleadings.
Yesterday on myspace I posted a blog about what I realized yesterday while I cleaned my room. Here it is:
"*Bleed it out*
Yeah here we go for the hundredth time
Hand grenade pins in every line
Throw 'em up and let something shine
Going out of my fucking mind
Filthy mouth, no excuse
Find a new place to hang this noose
String me up from atop these roofs
Knot it tight so i won't get loose
Truth is you can stop and stare
Bled myself out and no one cares
Dug the trench out laid down there
With a shovel up out of reach somewhere
Yeah, someone pour it in
Make it a dirt dance floor again
Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in
[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out
[End Chorus]
Go stop the show
Choppy words and a sloppy flow
Shotgun opera lock and load
Cock it back and then watch it go
Mama help me I've been cursed
Death is rolling in every verse
Candy paint on his brand new hearse
Can't contain him he knows he works
Fuck this hurts I won't lie
Doesn't matter how hard I try
Half the words don't mean a thing
And I know that I wont be satisfied
So why try ignoring him
Make it a dirt dance floor again
Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in
...
So I have realized what has been going on...
I never truely liked this boy who haunted my thoughts. I only admired and envied his freedom. I saw him as my 'outlet', my way to achieve my freedom. Only it didn't work how I had subconsciously wanted. I hate that I had done it, but I did it with out even knowing it, does that make me a bad person?
I think so. I hate myself and I think I have fallen even deeper. This is my cry for help but too bad no one knows or even cares. I need a break. But I keep pushing myself. I continue pushing everyone away. I will be by myself during the next two months and I fear my thoughts are going to drive me insane. "
I don't understand why some people are telling me I am stupid for what I did, I am sorry I offended you. I didn't think it was a big deal.
Pinkchii009 : Please help me understand why it is stupid.
Hylan : Thanks for the comment.
I have been feeling bad lately. I just don't want to go on anymore. I stayed at my grandmothers last night hoping to get some sleep cause my mother and I had a fight. But I didn't get so good sleep because of the dream I had. The boy I thought I liked was hanging out with me and a freind. WARNING it gets unappropriate the next paragraph is appropriate. Don't say I didn't warn you. HE was in front of us and then all of a sudden me and my freind were doing it in front of the guy I thought I had liked. We were covered so he didn't see us. But I was uncomfortable doing it with my freind especially since he was there.
I feel like a horrible daughter and person. I tried rebelling by sneaking out(I've only done it once, this year), dying my hair, smoking, drinking, and getting this tattoo. But at the time I really thought I needed to do it. I don't think I would be here if I hadn't. It's helped me be a better person, if that even makes sense.
I gotta go do some stuff. I can't leave comments at work but I will try when I get home.
Have a wonderful day!
Jess
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