Wednesday, March 19, 2008

And it is here that I return....
I have transitioned to GaiaOnline because of the new Vibrant issues. But, I can't just leave MyOtaku. It holds so many memories for me, though they seem so small when they are in posts as compared to the actual situations themselves. And because of that fact, I've decided to use MyOtaku as a type of journal. I know, it sounds really lame, but so be it.

So much has happened. Where do I begin? I almost completely lost one of my best friends over my own stupidity. I made a horribly wrong decision, that led to hurting two people I really care about. Though I regret what I did, I know I cannot undo it, and that I must move on with my life. My good friend has gone back to being my friend and we are talking like we used to again, and I am very grateful for that. I don't know what to say in regards to ____. I can't explain how badly I made her feel. I can only hope that I can try to earn her trust back. She is truly important to me, and I can't stand to see her hurt or sad, especially when I am the cause of that sadness. I earned the right to be ignored and yet she has been talking to me lately, which makes me glad. One of the best nights I'd had in a long time was just a few days ago, in which both of them and I were eating at a restaurant. It doesn't sound that exciting, but it was good to see them both smiling and laughing, it made me really happy.

I am no longer with Queen of Werewolf. I didn't want her to go on thinking that I was in love. I had to tell her that my true feelings were elsewhere, and that my heart was still longing to be with ____.

Through it all, I have been doing my best to keep smiling, even if some of the time I'm only pretending so as to not make others feel bad. Besides, I feel that if I didn't keep smiling, I'd probably go crazy. It's just all of this....is too much for me, and I know that I have it easy compared to many people, but I still can't help but feel like I'm alone. As I am now, sitting at my desk in my room at my grandparent's, typing this at 5:09 AM because I couldn't sleep. I stare at my laptop and type to people to try and feel included in something, try to feel like I'm important to someone. I sit here, with tears hitting my keyboard. ____ was right, I am too emotional. I can't help it, I didn't used to be this way. I used to be tougher than this. I used to rarely cry. Now though, it seems to be a weekly occurrence. I have lost nearly all confidence in myself.

I should be strong. I need to be strong. No one is going to do this for me, I have to carry myself. I have to believe in myself. I cannot go on living in sorrow, I know this, but.... I just wish... that it wasn't so hard, that there weren't so many things against me. Still, I will try. If not for myself, than for my true friends, whom I would give my life for. It means so much to me to see them smile.
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