Wednesday, July 20, 2005

   The Death of Bob McStrawski
Chris: ::chewing on a straw::

Jake: Oh My God!!! What are you doing??!!

Chris: Chewing on my straw.

Jake: ::takes straw:: You can’t chew on him!!!

Chris: Him?

Jake: Yes! Him! His name is Bob McStrawski and now he’s dead!!!

Chris: You named a straw?

Jake: Yes! And you killed him!!!

Chris: Jake, it’s a straw.

Jake: That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have feelings, too!

Chris: Ok, now this is crazy even for you.

Jake: Now we have to have a funeral.

Chris: You’re stupid.

Jake: We have to invite his sister, the napkin, and the bottle and the ketchup packet.

Chris: The straw has a family?

Jake: Yes, and they deserve to be invited to the funeral.

Chris: Dear Lord, save me. You are nuts Jake.

Jake: Just because I want to have a funeral for a dear friend.

Chris: IT’S A STRAW!!!!!

Jake: Yeah, it was a very good straw that gave you everything!

Chris: What the hell did a straw ever give me?!?!

Jake: It allowed you to drink from bottles.

Chris: I can do that myself! It’s just a stupid straw!!

Jake: He wasn’t stupid!! He was smart, and funny, and-

Chris: Plastic.

Jake: Yes, and plastic.

Chris: It’s a straw!!

Jake: You obviously didn’t know Bob very well.

Chris: It was a straw. It doesn’t have feelings or names or family!!

Jake: This one did. And he was very dear to me.

Chris: There is obviously no reasoning with you.

Jake: I’m going to mail out the invitations. I’m sure Max would like to come. He liked Bob.


((Tyedye: This is actually a real conversation that my friend Amanda and I had. It started when she was really bored and started chewing on her straw.))
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Tuesday, July 5, 2005

   MY B-DAY!!!
Tyedye: My b-day is on July 10th!!!! Me happy!!!! Remember to wish me a happy b-day please!!!

Jake: Birthdays are great! It gives you an excure to stuff your face with as much cake as you want.

Chris: And then you puke all over and I'm the one who has to clean it.

Tyedye: Quit arguing! It's my birthday!!! MY HAPPY TIME!!!!!!

Jake: Yes ma'am!

Tyedye: I hope I get lots of presents!!!!
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Sunday, June 26, 2005

   Pictures
Tyedye: I am amazed. Out of the 3 9-year-olds and one 6-year-old I asked, they all said that we should put Jake in the French maid’ outfit and make him clean the house. Except for the 6-year-old. She said to throw him in mud.

***BACK WHERE WE LEFT OFF***

Chris: Hmm….. I want you to put on that French maid’s outfit and clean the entire house. Even the room that skunk is living in.

Jake: Crap! I guess its better then handing my babies over to you.

Chris: Quit calling them your babies, that’s way to creepy.

Jake: Whatever.

**5 MINUTES LATER***

Jake: Ok, I’m ready.

Chris: ::Snaps picture::

Jake: What was that for?!?!

Chris: Blackmail.

Jake: I hate you.

Chris: I know, now get cleaning.

Jake: ::goes upstairs:: I think I’ll start with Chris’s room. He never let’s anyone in there. Wow I thought this place would be full of science crap. He has posters of rock bands everywhere. And what is this? ::picks up a picture on his nightstand:: Oh my God! I can’t believe he has a picture of HER on his desk! This is even greater blackmail then that picture of me in this stupid outfit.

Chris: What are you doing?! Give me that back!! ::takes the picture:: This is privet!!

Jake: ::singing:: Chris like **BEEP**!! Chris likes **BEEP**!! ((Tyedye: I will not reveal who Chris really likes in a post. You can PM me and I might send it to you))

Chris: If you tell anyone I will KILL you!!

Jake: I won’t tell anyone I promise. ::Fingers crossed behind back::

Chris: Yeah, right!

Jake: Really! Scouts honor!

Chris: You got kicked out of scouts for burning the campsite down.

Jake: So? I was a scout for a little while.

Chris: Yeah, for three days.

Jake: Three WHOLE days.

Chris: ::rolls eyes:: Just get out of my room. AND DON’T SAY A WORD!!!

Jake: A word.

Chris: ::Slams door::

**NEXT DAY**

Jake: Hey Mark! Guess what I found out yesterday while I was cleaning.

Mason: You mean in that lovely maid’s outfit.

Jake: How did you find out about that?!?!

Mark: Chris sent everyone pictures!!! I was even in the paper today! ::holds up front page::

Front Page: LOCAL LUNITIC LOSES BET AND MUST WEAR RETARDED OUTFIT

Jake: I’ll be right back.

***AT JAKE AND CHRIS’S HOUSE***

Jake: CHRIS!!!!!!

Chris: Yes?

Jake: ::Holds up front page of paper:: What’s the meaning of this?!?!?!

Chris: To keep your mouth shut. I know you wanted to tell everybody so I printed the picture before you had the chance.

Jake: This is humiliating. It’s mean even for you!!!!

Chris: I don’t want you telling everybody my secrets. That’s why I keep you out of my room.

Jake: Fine I wont tell. Just keep that picture off the internet.

Chris: Whatever.

Jake: And….

Chris: And what?

Jake: I challenge you to a game I can’t lose.

Chris: And what game could that be?

Jake: There’s a shooting range downtown. I bet I can shoot better then you.

Chris: Fine. I’ll take that bet.

**TWO HOURS LATER**

Chris: ::Counting a large wad of cash::

Jake: How are you better than me at that?!

Chris: My dad owns that shooting range. I grew up there.

Jake: Oh.

Chris: Here. I don’t want your money.

Jake: Really? I can keep it?

Chris: It’s probably counterfeit anyways.

Jake: Hmph, is not.

Chris: Right…

Jake: It’s not!

Chris: Whatever.
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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

   Games
Jake: I’m bored.

Chris: Go blow something up.

Jake: Really?

Chris: No.

Jake: Aw, you’re no fun.

Chris: No, I’m just the only sane individual here.

Jake: Well, sanity is lame, then.

Chris: Just because you don’t have any doesn’t mean its lame.

Jake: Yes it does.

Chris: Whatever.

Jake: … I’m still bored.

Chris: I don’t care.

Jake: You should.

Chris: And why is that?

Jake: Because if I get too bored I’m going to blow the house up.

Chris: How will you do that?

Jake: Dynamite!

Chris: I actually believe you will.

Jake: Good.

Chris: How long till you blow up our house?

Jake: About 12 minutes.

Chris: That long, huh?

Jake: Yeah, I though I’d give you an extra ten minutes.

Chris: Fine, what do you want to do?

Jake: Candyland!

Chris: Dear Lord, save me.

Jake: Oh, come on, you big baby. It’s fun!

Chris: You want to play Candyland and you’re calling me the baby.

Jake: Yep!

Chris: Pick a different game.

Jake: Bingo?

Chris: No.

Jake: Go fish?

Chris: No.

Jake: Twister?

Chris: Not even if you paid me.

Jake: Scrabble, then.

Chris: I’ll agree to that.

Jake: Yay! I’ll go get the board.

Chris: It’s like living with a 5-year-old.

Jake: I heard that!

Chris: Good!

Jake: Ok! I got it!

Chris: Whatever.

Jake: Can I go first?

Chris: Sure.

Jake: I spelt my name!

Chris: It’s lovely that you can finally remember how to spell your name, but there are no names in Scrabble.

Jake: Why not?

Chris: Because I said so.

Jake: You’re mean.

Chris: And you’re an idiot, now spell a different word.

Jake: Whatever.

***An hour later***

Jake: I can’t believe I lost!

Chris: Why can’t you believe that?

Jake: Well, I can. But I can’t believe I lost 122 to 12!

Chris: I can believe that. And it’s only because you make up words.

Jake: Frankinsnakie is SOOOO a word!!

Chris: Not in my dictionary.

Jake: Your dictionary’s stupid.

Chris: Whatever.

Jake: I know I can beat you at Checkers!

Chris: Right………

Jake: Let’s play right now!

Chris: You’re on.

***After the Game***

Jake: I can’t believe I lost! Again!

Chris: I can.

Jake: I want a rematch!

Chris: Want to make this more interesting?

Jake: How so?

Chris: When I win, I want all your explosives and torture devices.

Jake: Why?

Chris: So I know you don’t have them.

Jake: Fine, but if I win, I want your computer.

Chris: Deal.

Jake: Let’s go!

**After the rematch***

Jake: I lost again!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!

Chris: Hand them over.

Jake: I will never give you my babies!!

Chris: … Babies?

Jake: They’re all mine!!

Chris: Fine. But you still have to pay me.

Jake: and how will I do that?

Chris: Hmm……..


((Tyedye: Ok, stopping there, because my hands hurt and also because I’m stumped. Anything you people would like to see Jake do. I prefer very humiliating ideas.))
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Monday, May 23, 2005

   Jess and Mary's Revenge
Tyedye: HIIII!!!!!! I added all the suggestions you guys gave me in the comments and messages to the list and gave them all to my (not so) pathetic friends at school. They voted and the winner is… IT’S A TIE!!!! Between Stink Bomb and Skunk. Ok…. I have to fit both those in the story.

***AT JAKE AND CHRIS’S HOUSE***

Jess: Ok, are you ready?

Mary: Yep! I’ve got everything ready.

Jess: You’ve got the stink bomb and the slingshot in position?

Mary: Everything’s ready! I got the slingshot in alignment with Jake’s bedroom window on the second floor. When I remove the string on the slingshot the bomb will fire into the window.

Jess: And the skunk?

Mary: It’s attached to the cat door. When I pull the string the cage will open releasing the skunk into the house.

Jess: Very good, everything is going according to plan.

Mary: He he he…

Jess: What are you laughing about?

Mary: You sound like a cartoon villain.

Jess: Anyways… ::looks through binoculars:: Ok, this is perfect; Jake is in his bedroom playing with…… I really don’t want to know. And Chris is in the kitchen typing on his computer. Now…… pull the strings!

Mary: Okie dokie!! ::pulls the strings for the slingshot and the cage::

Jake: WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!!!! ::runs out of the room::

Chris: Crap… ::grabs computer and leaves the kitchen::

Jake: ::runs into Chris on the way down the stairs:: WHA! Oh, hi Chris!

Chris: I know you have something to do with this!

Jake: I didn’t do the stink bomb! I swear!

Chris: What stink bomb?!

Jake: Someone shot a stink bomb through my window.

Chris: THERE’S A SKUNK IN MY KITCHEN!!!!!

Jake: Oh.

Chris: Let’s just get out of here. ::pulls Jake out the front door::

Jake: WHA!

Chris: We can go to Marks to call the police or animal control or something.

Jake: Ok.

Jess and Mary: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
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Friday, May 20, 2005

   I'm Stupid, Lazy, and Out of Ideas
Tyedye: HIIII!!!! I haven’t been here in soooo long. I missed everyone!!! I was sorta on vacation.

Chris: Yeah, to the inside of your bed.

Tyedye: Shut up. Anyways, I’m going to write a story of how Jess and Mary try to get revenge on Jake and Max, but I sort of ran out of ideas. So I asked most of my pathetic friends at school! Ok, they’re not pathetic; they’re hilarious and I love them, but here are the suggestions I got:

Revenge Ideas for Jess and Mary:

1. Shot them. (Tyedye: That ones out.)

2. Do the same thing back. (Jake: I wouldn’t mind blue hair, actually.)

3. Fire works under the bed. (Max: Awesome! Fire! Chris: Don’t you dare burn down my house!!!)

4. Hide dead fish in their room. (Tyedye: Stinky.)

5. Let off a stink bomb (Jake: Why didn’t we think of that? Max: I don’t know.)

6. Let a skunk loose in the house. (Chris: No way!! It would take forever to wash the smell out of my furniture!!!)


Tyedye: Ok those are the selections. I’m letting’ you guys vote on it because I don’t know which one to choose. Ignore the character comments. Except on the first one; no one is going to die.

Jake: Why not?

Tyedye: You can kill all the small animals you want but none of the people are going to die, got it?

Jake: Fine…
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Thursday, May 12, 2005

   "Not That Bad"
Jake: No.

Max: Please?

Jake: No.

Max: Come, on, Jake! We’ll never get to see Mary sit of her mousetraps unless we turn it on.

Jake: What about those uber gross stories huh?

Max: You could always fast forward.

Jake: True.

Max: So can we watch it now?

Jake: Fine.

Max: Yay!

::Jake turns it on::

Mary: Did you hear ab-

::Jake presses fast forward::

Max: Hey there we are! Stop it; it has to be right after this.

Mary: Don’t worry about it, Jess. I’m sure that stuff will wash out.

Jess: But I have a job interview tomorrow!

Mary: You are SO over qualified for that job.

Jess: Yeah, but you have not seen the manager. He is SO hot.

Mary: Really?

: Mary sits on her bed but jumps right up as tons of mousetraps go off:

Mary: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Jess: Are they ‘not that bad’ now?

Mary: Shut up.
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Sunday, May 8, 2005

   Cars, Broken Toilets, and Horny Dogs
Jake: Ok, lets finish watching the movie.

::Jake presses PLAY and the movie resumes::

Jess: That was hilarious.

Mary: And we got it on film.

Jess: Hey, remember when that one girl was on her first date with this guy, and they went skiing-

Mary: And she managed to freeze her a** to her dates car! That was soooo funny. And on the first date too!

Jess: And might I add last date.

Jake: Nothing weirder can possibly happen.

Mary: That reminds me of that time Sammy’s older brother want to play a trick on his roommate and decided to walk back to the dorm room naked and when he got back he jumped in and yelled ‘surprise’ only to find his girlfriend and her parents there. That must have been embarrassing.

Jake: I stand corrected. What other strange things happen to these people?!

Jess: What’s more embarrassing is when Tara’s cousin was at his wife’s house to meet her parents before they got married.

Mary: You mean when he dropped his fork and told everyone to look out the window so he could pick it up but when he looked out the window he saw two dogs copulating on the front lawn.

Max: What does ‘copulating’ mean?

Jake: Having sex.

Max: Heh.

Jess: Yeah, that was funny.

Mary: Hey what was with that whole Veronica episode? I never heard what had happened.

Jess: Oh, god, that was so stupid. When she was at her new boyfriends house with his oh-so-wealthy parents she had to use the bathroom but didn’t want to embarrass herself so she asked for the ‘powder room’. When she got there, there was only a sink and vanity so she tried to pee in the sink but that didn’t turn out so well and she ended up breaking it. When she fell she hit her head and knocked herself out.

Mary: That was stupid, I would’ve just asked for the bathroom. Who was she out with anyways?

Jess: Travis.

Mary: Screw the bathroom thing, who would want to go out with him anyways? He’s a totally jerk!

::Jake shuts off the video::

Max: Why did you do that? It was getting good.

Jake: If I hear anymore about their friends’ ‘unfortunate events’ I think I’m going to be sick.

Max: I thought they were funny.

Jake: You're weird.
Comments (6) | Permalink

Wednesday, May 4, 2005

   Odd Things To Do With Hotdogs (Don't Attempt At Home)
Jake: Ok, check list. Popcorn?

Max: Check!

Jake: TV and VCR?

Max: Check!

Jake: Chris?

Max: Check! I mean- No check!

Jake: Ok, we’re good to go.

Max: Yay!

Jake: Wait, where’s the tape?

Max: Uh……

Jake: You don’t have the tape.

Max: I thought you had it.

Jake: YOU IDIOT!!!!!

Max: Sorry!

Jake: Where was the last place you had it?

Max: I don’t know.

Jake: You’re real smart.

Max: That’s what you always tell me.

Jake: And always with sarcasm.

Max: I know…..

Jake: Anyways, we got to find that tape!!!

Max: And pray that Chris or Jess don’t have it.

Jake: Work on finding it.

Max: Yes sir!

**A FEW HOURS LATER**

Jake: Now where could we have put that tape?

Max: Um…. Jake?

Jake: What?

Max: Will you be mad at me if I tell you I did something stupid?

Jake: Depends on how stupid.

Max: Well, I found the tape…

Jake: That’s great! Where was it?

Max: In the VCR………

Jake: ………

Max: Jake?

Jake: YOUR IDIOT!!!! YOU MADE ME RUN AROUND THIS HOUSE FOR NOTHIG!!!!!

Max: Ow! I’m sorry! Please stop hitting me!

Jake: Now get on the couch and shut up!!!!

Max: Yes sir…

::Jake pop in video and it shows Jess and Mary in the bedroom::

Jess: I want those two dead!

Mary: I know.

Jess: Especially Jake!

Mary: I know.

Jess: I wish they weren’t here!

Mary: I know.

Jess: Argh!

Mary: They’re only here for tonight. So what movie do you want to watch tonight?

Jess: What ones do we have?

Mary: We have The Ring, Poltergeist, and Steven King’s “It”.

Jess: Poltergeist.

Mary: Ok, should we ask the guys if they want to watch?

Jess: No.

Mary: Hey is that your video camera?

Jess: No, it’s Max’s.

Mary: Oh, it would be cool if we could tape this party.

Jess: You mean like that night when we went to the club and then to Sammy’s and then that one girl tried to f*** herself with a frozen hotdog and it ended up breaking off inside her and then she had to be rushed off to the emergency room?

Mary: Yeah!

Jess: That was so funny!!!

Jake: Something like that actually happened?!

Max: I guess.

Jake: That’s weird man.

Max: Totally.

((Tyedye: I’m pausing it here. I have to go. I’ll continue tomorrow!! And I’ll bring all the juicy and hilarious ideas I can get!!!))
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Tuesday, May 3, 2005

   Incompetent Fools
::Jake is standing on top of a mountain laughing menacingly with flames all around him::

Jake: MWUHAHAHA!!!! I finally rule the world!!!!!

Chris: Jake….

Jake: Chris? I thought I killed you along with everyone else.

Chris: Jake…..

Jake: What?

Chris: JAKE!!!!

::Jake falls out of bed::

Jake: WAH!

Chris: Good, you’re up.

Jake: Did you have to wake me?! I was having a good dream!!

Chris: It’s almost 1:00 o’clock in the afternoon. I’m not going to let you sleep forever.

Jake: 1:00 O’CLOCK!!!! Max! Wake up!!! We have to get that tape!!

Max: Oh yeah! I forgot! But did you have to kick me in the side?

Jake: YES!!! Now let’s go!!

Chris: I think you two should change out of your pajamas before you leave.

Jake: Right.

**AT JESS’S HOUSE**

Jake: Where’s the camera hidden?

Max: In their bedroom.

Jake: I know that! Where in their bedroom?!

Max: Oh, I forgot.

Jake: ……..

Max: Sorry.

Jake: Incompetent fool.

Max: I said I was sorry!

Jake: Shut up and help me tear their room apart!!

Max: Okie dokie then!

**A COUPLE HOURS LATER**

Jake: Finally, I found it.

Max: Yay! Now we can watch it right?

Jake: Let’s go back to my place to watch it.

Max: What about Chris?

Jake: He won’t be back till later tonight.

Max: Cool!!

Jake: I can’t wait to hear all the juicy secret stuff girls talk about at their little slumber parties!

Max: Let’s hurry!

Jake: Yeah!
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