Tuesday, April 12, 2005

   Police Visits
KNOCK!! KNOCK!!!!!

Chris: Who is it? Oh, Hello officer.

Police Chief: Hello again, Chris. How are you doing?

Chris: Good, you?

Police Chief: I would be great if you would chain up your little friend here.

Jake: Hi Chris!

Chris: What did he do now?

Police Chief: I found him chasing some Ostriches with a giant butcher knife.

Chris: Ostriches, Jake?

Jake: Well, that one pecked me in the head!

Police Chief: I should take him in for attempted murder, but knowing him, it probably won’t do very good. Besides, I think if I leave his punishment up to you, it will be far more worse then prison.

Chris: You got that right.

Police Chief: Good day, then.

Chris: WHY THE HELL WERE YOU CHASING OSTRICHES WITH A GIANT BUTCHER KNIFE?!?!?!?!

Jake: Well one pecked me in the head so I stole a knife off some guy and went after that stupid bird.

Chris: Ok, that’s it. I’m putting you in the room with the Barney doll.

Jake: NOOO!!!! I’ll be good, I promise! Don’t do this to me!! I’m to young to die!!!!!
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Thursday, April 7, 2005

   Killing Donuts
Jake: Heh… Heh, heh…….

Chris: You’re scaring me. And stop twitching like that.

Jake: I NEED TO KILL SOMETHING!!!!

Chris: I don’t care. You’re not going to kill anything. At least for a month.

Jake: Must kill….. Must.. Tear….. Apart!

Chris: I have an idea. And stop chewing on my pillow.

Jake: What are you giving me a jelly donut for?

Chris: Step on it.

Jake: Awesome! The jelly comes out just like blood does!

Chris: Yeah.

Jake: Awesome!!

Chris: Stop now, you’re grinding the jelly into my carpet.

Jake: Come on, just one more time?

Chris: You’ll be cleaning it.

Jake: I don’t want to clean anything!

Chris: Then don’t smash it anymore.

Jake: Nah, I’ll just go over to Max’s house and smash it into his sister’s carpet.

Chris: No way.

Jake: And why not?

Chris: Then Jessica will make me clean her carpet.

Jake: So? As long as I don’t have to clean it.

Chris: Grr……

Jake: Ow! Why’d you hit me?!

Chris: Because you’re an idiot.

Jake: I am not!

Chris: Are too.

Jake: AM NOT!!!

Chris: Are too.

Jake: I’m going to Max’s house, goodbye!!

SLAM!!!!!

Chris: I give it at least a half hour before he comes back saying Jessica kicked him out.
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Wednesday, April 6, 2005

   Diet
Jake: Chris! Chris! I killed something! I shot a bird with a slingshot and it dropped dead! It was so cool!

Chris: Argh…..

Jake: Then I killed the squirrels that came into the back yard! It was totally awesome!

Chris: Ok! That’s it! We need to put you on a diet!

Jake: What kind of diet? Are you calling me fat?!

Chris: No, you need to go on a killing diet. No more killing things for a month.

Jake: What?! I can’t go that long!!! Come on Chris, have mercy on me!!!!

Chris: You don’t have mercy on anything else.

Jake: So?

Chris: No killing for a month. That’s final. Or else I’ll lock you in your room with the Barney doll.

Jake: Ok! I’ll be good!

Chris: That’s good.

((Authoress: I’m sorry that this post is so short compared to the other ones. I usually get three to four pages done, but I don’t have that much time today. I might come back on later and finish if I get the chance.))
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Tuesday, April 5, 2005

   Books and Gardens
Jake: Chris, guess what I did today!

Chris: You either killed/maimed something/someone or blew something up.

Jake: Yeah, that too. But I did something else!

Chris: You stole something.

Jake: No. Well, yeah. But I did something else.

Chris: What did you do then?

Jake: I bought a new book!

Chris: Really? What book?

Jake: “Interesting Ways To Kill Things.”

Chris: I should’ve known.

Jake: There’s a cool chapter on poisons.

Chris: Who sold you that book anyways?

Jake: Why?

Chris: I want them committed to an insane asylum.

Jake: Oh, well, Max sold me the book.

Chris: That figures.

Jake: He said he bought it because there was a really long chapter on different ways to kill animals.

Chris: That doesn’t surprise me either.

Jake: Can I use the book to kill some of the neighbors that yell at me?

Chris: No.

Jake: Why?

Chris: Because then the neighbors will hate me.

Jake: So? You hate them.

Chris: That doesn’t mean they have to hate me.

Jake: Can I kill their pets then?

Chris: Absolutely not.

Jake: Why not?

Chris: The neighbors will hate me even more.

Jake: But you’re always complaining about how the dogs dig up your garden.

Chris: I know.

Jake: Then why can’t I kill them?!

Chris: Because I said no.

Jake: Please?

Chris: No.

Jake: Please?

Chris: I really can’t wait for the day you to get arrested.

Jake: Please?

Chris: Why did I let you live in my house again?

Jake: Because you love me.

Chris: Yeah, right.

Jake: You’re sarcasm in so hurtful.

Chris: I know. Now go play with Max or something.

Jake: But Max is playing in his garden.

Chris: Max has a garden?

Jake: Not really. He has an old sandbox of Masons. When Mason told him that sandboxes are for five-year-olds Max put some grass in it and called it his garden.

Chris: You all are nuts.

Jake: I know.
Comments (4) | Permalink

Monday, April 4, 2005

   Bedtime
Jake: Chris!

Chris: What do you want, now? It’s 3 a.m.

Jake: I can’t sleep.

Chris: And what do you want me to do about that?

Jake: Can you read me a bedtime story?

Chris: What?

Jake: Can you-

Chris: I heard what you said! But what kind of question is that?! I never expected someone like you to be asking for a bedtime story.

Jake: Read me a story!

Chris: No.

Jake: Please?

Chris: Not until you take off those ridiculous pajamas.

Jake: Why? I like these pajamas.

Chris: They have fluffy teddy bears all over them.

Jake: So?

Chris: Good night, Jake.

Jake: You haven’t read me a story yet!

Chris: And I’m not going to.

Jake: You promised.

Chris: I didn’t promise anything!

Jake: Please?

Chris: Fine.

Jake: Yay!

Chris: Ok, once upon a time, there was a guy that uh…

Jake: killed people!

Chris: Ok…. There was once a guy that went from town to town killing people and one day he….. Uh….

Jake: Came here!

Chris: Whatever. One day he came here and….

Jake: Killed you!

Chris: …..

Jake: Finish!

Chris ….. One day he came here and killed me….. The End, now get out of my bed!

Jake: That wasn’t a very good story.

Chris: Out!

Jake: But-

SLAM!!

Jake: He acts like I offended him or something. He’s always talking about how he wishes he was dead.
Comments (5) | Permalink

Friday, April 1, 2005

   April fool's
KNOCK! KNOCK!!!

Mary: Hello? Jake? What do you want?

Jake: I brought you something!

Mary: Really? What?

Jake: A nice, healthy milkshake!

Mary: I don’t trust you.

Jake: Why?

Mary: It’s April fool’s Day and you, the crazy one that likes to kill things, randomly shows up at my doorstep with a red milkshake. Do you really think I’m that stupid?

Jake: Uhh… Yes?

SLAM!!!

Jake: Aww… She didn’t drink it. And it took me forever to get that mouse in the blender.
Comments (2) | Permalink

   The Second Phone Call
Chris: Jake, what are you doing?

Jake: Talking on the phone with Mark.

Chris: Give me the phone.

Jake: Why?

Chris: Last time you talked on the phone with Mark, it took me a month to get him to talk to me again.

Jake: So?

Chris: Give me the phone, Jake, or I’ll hate you forever!!

Jake: Oh, hi, Mark. Guess what? Chris just told me he hates me.

Chris: No I didn’t!

Jake: No, I’m ok. Yeah, he’s mean.

Chris: You’re the mean one, you freak!!

Jake: Now he’s calling me names.

Chris: JAKE!!!!!!

Jake: He’s so mean to me. Like the time he set me on fire, and when he tried to poison me.

Chris: That was a joke!!! And you set yourself on fire!!!

Jake: He always does stuff like that. And when I try to bring him presents he threatens to pour boiling water over me.

Chris: You brought me a milkshake made from mouse blood!!! You’re nuts if you really expected me to drink something like that!!

Jake: Now, he’s calling me nuts.

Chris: ARGH!!!!!!

Jake: Well, I better go now; he’s boiling the kettle. I’ll make sure to call you if he tries to kill me again.
Comments (2) | Permalink

Thursday, March 31, 2005

   The Phone Call
**Later That Day**

RING!!!!!! RING!!!!!

Chris: Hello?

Marty: WHERE’S JAKE?!?! I KNOW HE DID IT!!!!!!

Chris: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Marty: YES YOU DO!!! NOW PUT THAT HOMOCIDAL LUNITIC ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

Chris: I seriously don’t know what you’re talking about Marty.

CLICK

Chris: JAKE!!!!!

Jake: Yes?

Chris: Did you seriously put that road-kill in Marty’s bed?

Jake: Yup!

Chris: WHY?!?!?!

Jake: Because you didn’t try to stop me.

Chris: I didn’t think you were actually going to do it!!!!!

Jake: You underestimate me.

Chris: What kind of road-kill did you put in his bed anyways?

Jake: A skunk that got hit a few days ago.

Chris: Now I have to fix this, you know.

Jake: I know!

Chris: You give me headaches.

Jake: I love you, too.
Comments (0) | Permalink

   Meat
Chris: What are you doing?

Jake: Sawing at your neck with a plastic sword.

Chris: There’s a word for that; it’s called decapitation.

Jake: No, it’s called meat.

Chris: Why are you trying to decapitate me?

Jake: Meat.

Chris: Why are you trying to meat me anyways?

Jake: I don’t know; I’m bored.

Chris: Well, go play with Max or something. And will you stop?!

Jake: Nope, and Max got grounded.

Chris: I’m almost afraid to ask.

Jake: He put Jessica’s new kitty in the microwave.

Chris: What is it with you two and putting defenseless animals in the microwave?!

Jake: It was not defenseless!!! That cat put three long slash marks down Max’s face!!!

Chris: Good for it.

Jake: At least he didn’t run over it with a lawnmower like the last one.

Chris: Quit laughing; That was MY lawnmower!! You know how long it took me to clean all the blood and fur off the blades?!?!

Jake: I don’t know why you’re so mad. The sound it made when he ran over it was awesome!

Chris: You scare me.

Jake: I know. Hey, Can I borrow your dad’s chainsaw again?

Chris: No.

Jake: Why not?

Chris: Because last time you borrowed it, it came back in worse condition then my lawnmower.

Jake: So?

Chris: You can’t borrow it.

Jake: Fine, I’ll just go steal Mark’s chainsaw.

Chris: You do that.

Jake: And while I’m over there I can put that road-kill in Marty’s bed!

Chris: Sounds like fun.

Jake: I know!

Chris: I’m being sarcastic.

Jake: I know…
Comments (2) | Permalink