Wednesday, January 7, 2004

   Otaku Awards II

Okay, let's see...I'll write a little more about my Otaku Awards choices. ^_^ Most Opinionated Otaku: Cloricus Honorable Mention: PoisonTongue I think a lot of people have and will choose Cloricus. Cloricus seems to throw his two-cents-worth in on just about anything, but particularly when it comes to PC and political stuff. Unfortunately, despite Cloricus's obvious determination in these threads...there tends to be a few problems at the same time. Where PoisonTongue argues his point clearly and with some level of support, Cloricus kinda...doesn't. Anyway, most of you have seen Cloricus's posts before, so I don't need to go on about that. PoisonTongue perhaps just comes off as opinionated, simply because he puts so much effort into his arguments. His debates with Drix were always interesting and my long discussion about The Matrix was also worthwhile as well. It was good to lay out some point-by-point things, as far as determining why I felt that the franchise was (and is) so heavily underrated. Member Most Likely to be Here in Two Years: Adam Honorable Mention: Shy Well, Adam's simply thet most obvious choice. If he's not here, nobody is. And Shy...well, as I said, I'm not letting him leave. ~_^ Best Newbie: Dagger IX1 Honorable Mention: Arcadia Despite the fact that there are many newbies that could easily win this award, I've decide to jump on the "We Love Dagger IX1" freight train, as it were. Why? Well, apart from anything else, Dagger has gone into that Anime Lounge and she has frequently injected it with some good doses of intelligence. Not only that, but she's come up with quite a few interesting threads, without relying on others to do that for her. So, she defnitely deserves to win this award based on those things (not to mention that she's an all-round nice person ^_^). I put Arcadia up as my honorable mention for this. And why not? She became a Moderator after only something like 26 posts. The speed with which she became a staff member is remarkable not because of the speed itself, or the number of posts specifically, but because she immediately jumped in and participated. I mean, Arcadia's first RPG went up literally just as she had registered. She was doing things correctly from her first day. And her attention to quality/detail was immediately apparent. So, although I had some people freaking out because I'd appointed a "Newbie Moderator" (you people know who you are ~_^), I think that my judgement has been proven sound. Arcadia has done a fantastic job and she has participated in various other RPGs herself. She's also become quite well-liked among the community, which is a plus. Best Oldie: Shy Honorable Mention: Warlock The fact that Shy has his own fanclub should really be an indication of his celebrity on the boards. And rightfully so; he's worked hard and he's been working in what is arguably the most difficult/frustrating part of OB. Those anime forums can be downright nasty at times. But Shy's continual attempts to clean things up, to keep things organized and on track, is really very admirable. And in general, Shy has always participated wherever he can. I know that if I have something that needs to be done around the boards, I can always rely on Shy. Of course, I can rely on any of the current staff to help me -- but Shy has always gone above and beyond my expectations. I chose Warlock for honorable mention because he's such a stayer. ^_^ He's been around since the dark ages and he's still with us. Through thick and thin, he's stuck with the boards and he's always worked hard to do what was asked of him as a staff member. Great stuff. Most Likely to Become a Staff Member: Dagger IX1 Honorable Mention: _____ Stay tuned. Favorite Banned Member: kuja Honorable Mention: thimoc Who can't love kuja? We'll all remember him for his large, crimson century gothic font and his enormous AIM smileys. He cursed those things forever, I tell you. We also remember him for his pledge to sue me over his dismissal. Apparently his lawyer had "worked out a way to do it". Of course, the promise of a lawsuit had me shaking in my little outback boots. And I still await that letter with the solicitor's letterhead on it. It's been how long now? A year? Or more? I don't even know. Oh well. And thimoc...well, he's just a classic. That's all there is to it. More next time. ~_^

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Monday, January 5, 2004

   Otaku Awards

I thought I'd take a leaf out of Shinmaru's book and talk about the people who I voted for during the Otaku Awards. A few other people have taken this approach and I think it makes for an interesting read. I figure that rather than include all the points here...I might talk about different nominations over the coming days. Just to spread it out a bit. Make Otaku of the Year: Shy Honorable Mention: Semjaza Azazel Like every one of the awards, this one was difficult to narrow down. There are a lot of people on OtakuBoards who really deserve to be listed here. I chose to nominate Shy for the award for various reasons. It was really only a few months ago that I began talking to him regularly. And yet, in only a short amount of time, he's become perhaps my greatest friend online. So that's pretty remarkable. Shy has also been one of my most valued staff at OtakuBoards; his contributions, effort and attention to detail are really unsurpassed. I chose Tony for the honorable mention because I feel that generally, he's had some important contributions to the community. In the gaming areas especially, Tony has really helped to keep things sane. When he posts in some of the crazier threads, he never fails to inject some logical, well-reasoned points. And I think that helps a great deal. Of course, this doesn't even begin to address his other, less-tangible contributions. It's always great to talk to Tony about OtakuBoards, especially when it comes to ideas for the future. He knows about quality, he has good ideas and he tells it to me straight. He is not at all interested in being a yes-man or anything like that. And I value that greatly. Female Otaku of the Year: Dagger IX1 Honorable Mention: terra Again, there are many people who are candidates for my nomination here. I choose Dagger for a variety of reasons. I think that she represents one of many truly outstanding new members at OtakuBoards. And there are many -- I've noticed countless "high quality" new members over recent months. But Dagger tends to stand above them, because her activity (particularly her fantastic posts in Anime Lounge) has really been head-and-shoulders above most others. I chose terra for the honorable mention because in many ways, she helped to re-emphasize this idea of quality in RPGs. As a relatively new member, she became a Moderator. She achieved this only through her attention to quality. And that really demonstrates what I look for in prospective staff. Staff Member of the Year: jblessing Honorable Mention: Charles For me, this was really a no-brainer. Justin has helped OtakuBoards in so many important ways. Those of you who are a bit more aware of what goes on will know that I have consistently had trouble finding reliable (and skilled) programmers for the site. And without a programmer, we are nowhere. We can't move forward and we have little ability to modify things and make important changes. With the next version especially, Justin is playing a critical role. His expertise is really unsurpassed as far as I'm concerned. And as a long-standing member of staff, I think it's great that Justin is working so closely with me on the next version. It's tough at times, but I think we can achieve some amazing stuff when we work together like that. Charles is also the obvious choice. And he deserves it. I remember that when I first decided to appoint an Administrator, I knew it would be difficult. That person would automatically have a lot of power -- and therefore, I'd have to put a lot of faith in their abilities and loyalty. Charles has not only lived up to my expectations, but he's suprassed them. Not on has he been consistently dedicated, but he has always operated with a sense of professionalism and good nature. I couldn't have asked for anything more than that, in all honesty. The more Charles works with me and the more he handles important responsibilities in the community, the more assured I am of his longterm success. So, Charles definitely deserves my nomination here. Funniest Member: Charles Honorable Mention: wrist cutter Charles gets the nod from me, again, for a lot of reasons. His signatures rarely fail to make me giggle, his poems can be both humerous and very clever at the same time and his banners/avatars/image manipulations never cease to have people laughing. Charles isn't funny just because he has a silly sense of humor or something, because there are lots of silly people on OB. Charles is funny because his stuff is genuinely funny. He knows how to be clever with his jokes and I think we all really appreciate that. He also generally seems to approach things with a sense of light-hearted fun and humor...and I really value that a great deal. I nominated wrist cutter also, for similar reasons to Charles. wrist cutter does not seem to simply go out there and make comments just for the sake of making a comment. His comments (especially to some of the less sane members of our community) are usually pretty dry, concise and clever. And that kind of humor is pretty cool in my book. I think I'll leave it at that, for now, and post more next time. ^_^

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   Mars Strikes

Just a few items to talk about today. Firstly, you've no doubt noticed the colour changes on my page here. It's a sign of things to come. ^_^; Secondly, Kill Adam is still going. Yep, still. Go and read it and better yet (Shy and/or HC), post! ^_^ I've had some really nice Private Messages and IMs about Kill Adam. A lot of people seem to be reading it. I've never really had much of a response to an RPG that I've done, in terms of readers. So it's great to see that people are really interested in how it's turning out. If nothing else, that's a great reason to continue it and to finish Volume I. In other news, Adam and I have been talking about the future. You know, the kinda-distant future. We've been discussing a lot of ideas. I want to open an Otaku Sushi Bar in New York City...and Adam wants to start his own Yaoi Channel. No, not really. But wouldn't it be nice?

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Saturday, January 3, 2004

   Windowlickin' Good

I am wondering if anyone has tried listening to the MP3s that I've been putting up on here. I'm guessing that those of you with broadband probably have, at least. I say that because I'm going to put up Aphex Twin's Windowlicker next. And after that, I might put up some of his more bizarre tracks. If you are at all interested in electronic music, Aphex Twin is really one good example of an artist who has done unique things with the "format". I think that, in general, people view electronic music as the regular "thumping techno" that you hear in a club or something. And while it is true that much electronic music has some sort of regular backbeat, this is not unique to electronic music. Just about every genre has something that -- musically, or rhythmically -- makes it fit into that genre. I mean, if you listen to hard rock, you expect to hear a guitar. If you listen to classical pieces, you expect to hear a violin. Electronic music is the same way, really. But just as you can have a strong variation among 100 guitar-based songs, you can also have strong variation between 100 computer-based songs. It's interesting that today, a wide variety of instruments are used to create electronic music. In general, a computer is used to mix different elements together. And in some cases, a computer is the only tool that is used. But I find that there is a lot of misconception or misunderstanding about that. I've heard people say "Oh, you press a button and get a noise...wow, so creative". But I tend to disagree with that, for a whole variety of reasons. Firstly, if you are working with computer software (and as anyone who uses Photoshop or Illustrator will know), the software and computer are only tools -- in the same way that the guitar is only a tool. The question is how you manipulate that tool to produce a melody. Moreover, I find that in some ways, electronic music is more challenging than other styles of music. I say that because quite often, these artists are working from scratch. In other words, they aren't working with any instrument that already exists. They are instead trying to create unique sounds that are wholly unique -- something that is impossible to do with traditional instruments, unless you actually edit the instrument's sound digitally. And that is one aspect of this type of music that I enjoy and find exciting. Some artists have created tracks that sound entirely unique; like nothing that traditional instruments could ever hope to replicate. Sure, you get your usual zappy-crappy techno stuff...but there's also a wide variety of absolutely stunning and beautiful music out there, just waiting to be discovered. In terms of Aphex Twin...he's really quite a surreal artist. Much of his music wouldn't even be defined as "music" by a lot of people. That's because he takes some of the basic principles of sound and music, and then turns them upside down. Having said that, I personally don't like a lot of his work. Some of it is so surreal and weird, that it kind of becomes a seemingly pointless exercise. But still, he does have some tracks that took me a while to get interested in, and when I did, I became even more interested in the possibilities of electronica itself. Anyway, it might be interesting to put up some of my own playlist stuff on here now and then, if only to shatter some of the traditional concepts of what "techno" is. Like I said on OB, "techno" is a very specific term for a specific genre of electronic music. There are, in reality, dozens of genres of electronic music. And even for me, as a fan of this overall style, there are quite a few genres that I generally don't really like, save for a track here and there. I guess that this entire post only underlines the whole idea that this type of music is generally misunderstood...and underappreciated. Even Windowlicker is a track that I didn't like immediately. But it grew on me. When I listened to it (especially with headphones) and really thought about it, I realized that this was quite a unique, multi-layered aural experience. In particular, Aphex Twin's use of voice as music is interesting. And the way that the backbeat itself intermingles with the other elements (without always being a singular element in and of itself) is something that I appreciate. For those of you who listen to it, I don't really expect you to enjoy it -- especially if you don't like anything "electronic" in music (even though most music has a heavy electronic influence...but we won't go there). Still, if you're interested in new types of music and if you feel that you have an open mind when it comes to music...I encourage you to explore some of these artists. You might be interested by what you discover -- not just in terms of shattering traditional views of music, but also in terms of how unique sounds can really be a treat for the ears. It's very refreshing.

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Wednesday, December 31, 2003

   Happy New Year From Australia

It's now 2:10am in Australia; the east coast welcomed in the new year not long ago. Tokyo was next, right after Sydney and Melbourne. I thought I'd share some pictures with you. This is a shot of the Sydney Harbour Bridge, as it exploded with colour and light a couple of hours ago. ^_^ I can't seem to find any other pictures of the event for this year...but Sydney always looks so beautiful on New Year's Eve. Here are a couple of shots from past NYE events: If only I could find some higher quality ones. New Year's Eve does take place primarily around Sydney Harbour Bridge, but usually the fireworks and lights are present throughout the entire shoreline...which is a massive area. Some of the television shots from last year were absolutely breathtaking. It seems like Sydney keeps trying to better itself every year with this type of thing. Hopefully one day I'll be able to experience it myself. As usual, I will post my January 1 announcement on the boards. But I'll do that tomorrow, after the new year has arrived in the rest of the world. We have a lot of great things to look forward to this year. I hope everyone has a fantastic time tonight. ^_^

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Sunday, December 28, 2003

   God's Kitchen

Here I am again, reporting in. ~_^ The last few days have been really tough. It's not something I'm going to discuss here, because I don't think that I want to turn my blog into a big depressing void. There are plenty of other members who will provide the angst. Also, I refuse to allow the negatives in my life to overrule the positives -- especially when I have so much to look forward to next year. I think it's important to keep things in perspective as much as possible. And on that note, Otaku Awards is due to occur soon. I think this is the third time we've done it -- three years in a row. That's a pretty cool achievement I think. Otaku Awards is something that is really becoming a staple part of the community. I'm going to be interested to see how Shy sets it up. Also, I want to congratulate Adam on his self-education with PHP. Only recently, Adam told me that he was going to buy a book on PHP and that he'd learn it, chapter by chapter. And he's been doing that; he already showed me three different scripts that he programmed as a result of his study. So for me, as someone who has always had difficulty with programming, I think Adam deserves a round of applause (or maybe a virtual round of applause). Adam's ability to just decide to learn PHP -- and then to go and do it -- is something that I really admire. Inspiring stuff. ^_^

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Tuesday, December 23, 2003

   Christmas & Stuff

This year, things have been a lot slower than previous years. I mean, it doesn't really feel like Christmas over here. The tree only went up today, whereas normally it'd have been up for at least a couple of weeks. Part of it is the fact that everyone is so much more busy this year than previous years. My dad's company just landed a big new contract (partly thanks to myself ~_^), which has come into effect this week. So having all that extra work right on Christmas isn't easy. And my mother also works full-time, so she will pretty much work right through Christmas, except for Christmas day and Boxing Day. For my own part, I've also had a lot of work. Apart from paid-work, I've been doing OB and N-Sider related things. I told Justin yesterday that we should take a break from OBv7 for a few days, to refresh. I hope to resume the work on it this weekend though. There's still so much left to finish. Still, it's been nice in general. I was saying to some people that I planned to buy a GBA SP next year, because I sold my original GBA recently. And yet, only a couple of days ago, my mother presented me with a Flame GBA SP and Final Fantasy Tactics Advance as a Christmas gift! How cool, eh? I was really surprised. I hadn't asked for/expected anything (although I knew that my parents would still try to find something for me, as they always do). It was really great to get such a fantastic gift though. I've been looking at buying my mother a really nice watch, so I'll see if I can find a picture of it and put it up here. It's very expensive, though. So I don't know if I can buy it just yet. Oh, and, on the subject of Christmas presents...I finally received Torisuki's card yesterday! ^___^ It even had a cute little anime stamp on the front. What a cool Christmas card, too. The message was very sweet. So, Tori, I have put the card up on display for everyone in my house to see. Thank you. ^_^ Oh, and...in case I miss out, I'll say it now; Merry Christmas everyone! I hope everyone has a fun holiday this year. ^_^

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Monday, December 22, 2003

   A Question of Good PR

I have discovered that the biggest difficulty in running a major web site isn't actually the graphic design, the programming or anything technical. It's the concept of delivering bad news. Those of you who were around from v2 onward will know that we've had all sorts of trouble with staff who have been dismissed for one reason or another. In most cases, I've dismissed a staff member because they've done something that is outright wrong; they've been abusive to members, they've broken the rules or they've not been doing their job properly. I guess those are the most common reasons, anyway. The thing is, it's always the most difficult part of my job. Part of that difficulty has no doubt been a result of the way ex-staff have reacted. They've either argued until they're blue in the face, or they've been downright nasty about it, or they've thrown a tantrum that covers multiple sites. Regardless whether or not someone feels that they've been dismissed unfairly (as I'm sure there are probably few people who would really say "Yeah, I was being lazy and got fired), why is it that people seem to forget the whole "pre-hiring disclaimer"? I always make it a point to explain to people that being a Moderator at the boards isn't a right. It is a privilege. And it's not a permanent or set-in-stone thing. It's something that you enjoy while you're there...but not something that you should expect to be there forever. The thing is, OtakuBoards is always growing. And there is only so much room available for Moderators. And my goal, since v2, has always been to allow any member on the site to have an opportunity to contribute as a Moderator. Sometimes I think it's important to stop and say "You've been here a while, you've had enough...now it's time to let someone else have a go." And really, is that so unfair? I don't think so. Afterall, I'm not actually trying to ban ex-staff or anything like that. And in some ways, replacing/rotating staff isn't an attempt to judge the worth or value of what someone is doing. And it's not about saying "I don't like you so I'm firing you." It's about being as fair as possible, by giving other members an opportunity. If I could change one attitude on OtakuBoards, it would definitely be this one. It would make life so much easier for everybody. Unfortunately, I think this will continue to be the most difficult part of my job. Oh well. The next version of OtakuBoards will involve Category Moderators a little bit more, when it comes to dismissal and hiring. So that should spread the responsibility a little bit.

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Wednesday, December 17, 2003

   A Fresh Start

Over the last few days, I've been spending more time working on things like OB and other projects, to keep myself busy. Things are still not easy in some respects, but I feel comfortable that the situation will be resolved (regarding my last post). And that in itself has made me feel better about things. Anyway, onto other subjects now. In the last few days, I've spent much of my leisure time playing C&C: Generals with Warlock (or trying to, anyway). Unfortunately we had a lot of connection troubles, despite the fact that I've always been able to play online successfully before. I don't know what the problem is, but it seems like there's some incompatibility whenever we try to play. After maybe 40 or 50 attempts, we managed to get about three or four successful games out of it. That is somewhat annoying, but at least it worked. I think it was worthwile. Playing Generals with someone I actually know (as opposed to random people who I've never spoken to) is really rewarding. It's just so much better than regular online games ever were. The ability to complement each other's tactics and work as a team is fantastic. I really enjoy co-operative play. It's one reason why I'm so interested in FFXI. To be completely honest, I find much of FFXI uninteresting, in terms of story/characters and so on. A lot of it just seems boring, compared to other Final Fantasy games (at least from what I have read). However, it's the community aspect that seems so interesting to me. The ability to get together and form a party with fellow OBers should be a lot of fun. Of course, I have to wait months until it's available here. And even then, there could be roadblocks that prevent me ever really playing it...at least in the near future. Oh well. Hopefully it'll work out. That's about it for me on this update, I guess. Nothing too interesting, as usual. Just some general thoughts. It's nice to at least experience a change of subject, compared to how the last week has been.

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Sunday, December 14, 2003

A Terrible End to the Week...

How do I even start this post? I don't know. Even though I have experienced it before, it is still odd and striking that you can feel completely normal at one moment and then feel completely crushed and ill the next. I experienced this last night...and now, tonight, I am still trying to overcome certain feelings. It's about my cousin, Katie. She is three years older than me. And through our childhood, I remember that I always used to play with my other cousin -- her sister -- a lot more than I played with Katie. I guess this was because Becca was just more like me; she just felt like more of a fun person to be around. She was clever and pretty popular. Of course, at this time I was only five or six...so I really had no idea that I was sort of brushing Katie aside. I remember that one day, I was over at my cousins' house. As usual, Becca and I were doing something together; probably drawing or playing with toys or something. I don't remember what it was. But I do remember that Katie came into the room crying, with my aunt holding her hand. She had apparently gone to my aunt and said something like "James doesn't love me anymore, because he likes Becca instead." I remember that despite my young age, I felt terrible. I had no idea that Katie felt this way. And ever since, I always did my best to pay as much attention to her as with Becca. I guess that it was something Katie felt so strongly about because she was also the complete opposite to Becca. Where Becca was very pretty and popular for all of her life, Katie wasn't. She'd had medical problems as a premature baby and she had had learning difficulties at school. I don't remember her ever having many friends in school...if she even had friends at all. Maybe I was too young to notice. But Becca often had a friend of hers around at the house, so yeah. So why am I telling you all this? Well, I guess I'm leading up to what happened this week. And in a way...I guess this is the only time I've ever really talked about Katie and my own history with her. When Katie reached senior high school, she was quite a different person. She was more self-confident and she became extremely good with her schoolwork. It was a massive turn around. As she began to grow into a woman, she was developing a sharp intellect and a very strong sense of humor. Everyone enjoyed her company and I felt that the two of us developed a very strong connection. Becca was so excited by her independence at that age, that whenever I visited their house, she was rarely there. So also for that reason, I began to know Katie in a much closer way. And we became great friends. But when Katie was in her senior year, something changed radically. She developed mental illness. I'm not sure if it was related to her being premature or what. I still really don't know what brought it on. But it was very confusing to the whole family, both because it was so sudden and also because her symptoms were so completely varied. I mean, at first, she experienced katatonia. So she'd sit on her bed awake for several days...and not move, or eat, or sleep. And then she'd just snap out of it like it never happened. And then some nights, she'd wake up and begin dusting the entire house for no reason. She became paranoid about keeping it clean. Or she'd start crying and ask my aunt where her socks were, because her feet were cold (even if she was wearing socks at the time). In other words, she just became incredibly erratic. She said things that made no sense and her behavior was obsessive-compulsive to the extreme. However, this was tempered by the fact that my aunt began to seek treatment for her. And she slowly began to recover. She showed signs of improvement and her "sanity" appeared to return. In fact, once she was almost fully recovered, she joined University and began to study cookery, with the aim of becoming a qualified chef. It was as though she had gone through this incredibly nasty period so quickly -- within months -- and come out of it again as suddenly as she'd started. And for a while it was fine. But sure enough, her symptoms returned. Though this time, things were worse. Her condition deteriorated; we literally watched her lose her sanity right in front of us. The last few years have seen things get to a new low stage. Her obsessive compulsive behavior is very severe and now she simply isn't living in reality. She will sit there and speak about anything that enters her mind at any time. If you are having a discussion and she's around, she will simply sit there and talk rubbish. She'll interrupt you no matter what you do. And she will come out with completely irrelevant comments. She might say "Marilyn Munroe died of an overdose, the stupid bitch" one minute...and the next minute she'll say "Yeah, hopefully I'll be getting married tomorrow." Her brain simply can't put words together correctly; it can't understand that sentences should be in context and that they follow a logical order. Her brain literally plucks thoughts and comments from anywhere in her memory and she says them. Even though this in itself is awful -- seeing someone you care about literally fade away -- the way this week ended was truly a nightmare for us all. Recently, Katie was put into a home. She was becoming too much of a strain on my poor aunt...and the home itself is a really nice place. Katie herself wanted to go there, as she seems to really like it. However, we have discovered that security is not what it should be...and we've discovered it the hard way. An electrician who was working at the home apparently took Katie out and checked in to a nearby hotel. And there, he raped her. When my mother told me this news, I didn't know whether to cry or scream in anger. Katie is so mentally disconnected from the world that she really didn't understand or know what had occurred. And for the rest of us, that was something that was mildly comforting; if she felt no pain or had no real memory of it, then surely it wouldn't be as bad? I mean, the suffering would be far less for her. And as far as I know, the police know who the guy is who did it to her. It's only a matter of time before he is caught. Honestly, it is lucky that the police are catching him and not myself or my aunt; I think we would be the ones put in jail if we ever saw him. Things aren't necessarily so good with Katie though. She actually came over last night, with my aunt. And while she isn't overtly distressed and though she doesn't seem to notice it immediately...she does know that something bad happened and it is distressing her on some level. As she was talking last night like she usually does...she began talking over the top of my aunt and mother. She started talking in a very distressed tone...and eventually she said "He's just going to fuck me until my brains come out". And then she started to cry... It's not only the fact that this happened to her...it's also the fact that she feels violated, but doesn't really understand why -- how can she ever cope with it, if she is physically unable to go through a therapy session? There's nothing she can do; she can't express her feelings to anyone and she can't process them in her mind. She's helpless. And with the addition of recent events...it makes me feel completely heartbroken. I don't know how else to put it. I feel heartbroken...and I feel incredibly angry; angrier than I have felt in a very long time. The idea that some screwed up monster could take advantage of someone so helpless is just something I can't understand. I really, really hope that I never come across this guy. If I do, I will definitely regret it. I don't even know why I've posted all of this here. I guess...I trust everyone enough to express this. And I find it very difficult to really talk about it with anyone, including family. I just find it very awkward and upsetting. At least here, I can put my thoughts down and I can try to seperate myself from it. It's the only way I can really deal with it at this moment. So...I don't want people to IM me about this subject. I really don't want to discuss it with anyone. I just wanted to put my thoughts into words...and also to explain why I may have seemed a little colder than normal over the last couple of days, to anyone who has spoken to me on AIM. I've been feeling numb. I still feel numb. I hate feeling numb about it, because it doesn't feel healthy.

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