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Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Too dumb to run, too dead to die. | What a day. It went from being upsetting and disturbing (for no real reason whatsoever) to being...well, relieving.
I was having a bit of a crisis, if you could call it that. Nothing to do with anyone else, just my own weird mind playing tricks on me (insecurities in relationships? Check). Thankfully Josh/Shy was online and we discussed it. And that helped a lot. I feel so much better thanks to that discussion.
I can't tell you how comforting it is to be able to talk to someone who is not only a friend, but who can identify with what you're saying. I suppose that lately, though, insecurities have been getting the best of many of us. At least, this is true based on what I've been reading around myOtaku.
Oddly, though, people who are insecure in this way are often my favourite people. Isn't it strange that some of the best people you know are also people who often lack self confidence? I mean, it's so true that people often don't see in themselves what you may see in them. I know this is true for me, anyway.
People can tell me positive things (and to be fair, my friends both offline and online are very generous in this regard), and even in my own mind, I can be totally logical. But despite all of that positive reinforcement, I find it very easy to let totally emotional and irrational thoughts enter my mind.
I can look at these things intellectually and work out where they came from (either failed relationships, or an abusive parent). But despite all the logic - despite being able to tell myself that nothing is as bad as my mind makes it out to be - I still somehow manage to feel incredibly anxious and upset about things at times.
I would go into more detail, but...I suppose this is just what was on my mind right now. And I don't want to wallow in it any further. I mostly just want to thank Josh/Shy for being there to hear what I had to say and for helping me to sort things out. And by that same token, I should thank all of those who have been there for me in one way or another -- there are many of you and some may not even know how much they've supported me in general.
Oddly enough, despite today's feelings, I've been feeling very driven as well. As in, er...creatively wrestless. Make sense?
I just wish I had more time to do things outside this network. Not to say that I don't like doing what I do here; I love it. It's a major hobby for me and I love all the people I work with.
But I am really hungry for something new, to the point where I almost don't care what it is. It would be great to make some of my older ideas a reality, but it would also be great to do something totally unexpected.
Of course, there will be an element of surprise in what I'm doing now anyway. The two big things on the horizon are new stuff relating to this network (including OB) and a new N-Sider site. Both of those things will take up 90% of my online time, with the other 10% being taken up by a new freelance project that I'm working on.
I am thinking that perhaps I can take out some of my frustrations on OB. By that I mean...give OB a splash of paint that is quite different to anything that has come before. Yes, it'll still have new graphics that will be palatable for most people. But I'd also like to do something that will cater to the older audiences and those who might be interested in something a little darker.
But we'll see. As always, it takes time to actually engineer these things and bring them from your brain to the site.
On another note, I am working on a new logo and stationery for my father's new company. It is simultaneously exciting and highly frustrating. After hours and hours of work, I'm still not entirely happy with everything.
Anyway, I'll stop complaining. God knows this must be a chore for you to read, but at least it's semi-theraputic for me to write.
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