Monday, March 29, 2004

   Online vs Offline

Well, that last update didn't really come out as I wanted it to. I mean, from my end. But thanks to everyone who replied, you're all very cool for doing so. ^_^ I've been doing some reading on myOtaku sites and I came across Baron's page. He was referring to the whole online/offline thing. You know...how much of both "lives" overlap and stuff. This led me to thinking that I've never really written about it, on myOtaku. So I thought I would. Yesterday's chat really made me realize why I have developed a natural barrier between what happens on the 'net and what happens in my daily life. If you've read Mimmi's latest Otaku Life update, you'll have an idea about what was happening in the chat. I witnessed this. And at first, I took it with a grain of salt; these chats are always silly, right? So surely people aren't serious when they talk to people in a certain way? Obviously, there are cases where people are serious, though. And it actually makes me wonder why this is the case. The best example I can give about all of this would be related to my own experiences of running OtakuBoards and being involved in this network with Adam. During the v3 period in particular, I remember that if I ever made a change to the boards that someone didn't like, it wouldn't simply be a case of someone saying "I didn't like what you did with the boards, but it's your site". In many cases, I'd get people IMing me with a window full of abuse. This would be particularly true if a member had been banned; I would often grit my teeth during the process, because I knew that sooner or later, I'd get a nasty email or IM. I remember a couple of incidents in particular. One guy was banned from the site a few times, because he was swearing/abusing other members. He'd come on AIM under multiple names and flame me. At one point he called me a "fucking maggot", in all seriousness. A bit extreme, no? At first, I remember taking a lot of this stuff more seriously. And when you're in a position where you are seeing insults being thrown at you all the time, it does have an effect. It destroys any enjoyment that you can get out of the Internet. If it weren't for the few positive responses at the time, I'd probably have come very close to quitting entirely. I could definitely see why Adam never really wanted to get into confrontations with members; he keeps a level of distance, which works very well for him. It allows him to do his job in peace. As time went on, I realized that this was also the best option for me. And so, I simply started taking the Internet a whole lot less seriously in general. It's worked wonders, in terms of my level of enjoyment on here. It was just like switching off something in my brain, I guess. Now I find myself having a much better perspective on the way people react online. Of course, when your work is online for all to see, you're inevitably going to face some hard realities. With OtakuBoards 7, my own work was under a very fine microscope. And people who disliked it weren't afraid to tell me. Some people even refused to come back, because they thought it was so horribly awful. I could take that personally, but I don't. Actually, what I predicted ended up happening; most people warmed to it after a few days of use. Hopefully now it's second nature. I'm getting away from my point though. The point is, I define my "Internet life" differently from my "real life". So you might ask the question, if I take the Internet less seriously than real life, does this mean that I don't take my online friends seriously? The answer is really yes and no. I know a lot of people on the Internet. There's no question about that. My AIM buddy list is absolutely full; I physically can't add anyone else. And I still get people IMing me who aren't on my list. The thing is, I certainly wouldn't consider most of these people to be my friends. At least, not in the same way as a "real life friend". Most people on AIM know me because of my position here. And most of them want to talk to me for that reason. Most of them -- the vast majority -- really know very little about me at all. Even people I've known online for years still know very little about me. I would say that on the 'net, I only have a handful of people who I'd consider to be true friends -- people who I would genuinely miss a great deal if I ever somehow lost the 'net. Of course, there are people I miss having around, because at one point I was so used to seeing them on here. But I don't mourn their absence as I might with a "real friend". You know? Baron mentioned the desire to keep his online life seperate from his real life. I think I'm mostly the same, with some exceptions. I'm the same partly for the same reason as Baron. Even though I have a sense of distance between myself and the Internet, I am also very open to some people in certain specific ways. Probably more open than I'd be in person. So it's a funny mixture of elements. On the one hand I don't really have any desire to build these massive personal connections over the Internet. It's simply not very easy to do anyway. But by the same token, the Internet offers enough distance to be like a barrier -- it allows you to be more open and more frank at times, because the concerns that exist in person aren't present on the Internet. Would I actually meet people off the Internet? For the most part, it's doubtful. I can think of only one or two people that I'd really have any desire to physically meet. And even then, it'd probably be somewhat awkward for me. lol But still, it doesn't mean that I don't value the legitimate friendships that build up over the web. There are a lot of great people to talk to on here. There's a huge variety of opinion, a variety of personalities and a variety of individual talents. It's a really cool thing, I think. And there are definitely plenty of people who have had a very real impact on me, whether they know it or not. Anyway, that's my ramble for today. I have no idea how long this is as I type it; probably too long. lol But nobody has to read it. That's another beautiful thing about the Internet; sometimes people only exist if you pay attention. ~_^

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