Sunday, September 25, 2005

hello :)
Hey here's an update.
Just moved back home with my family and am taking a break from school for a semester or two.

I don't have internet access there, so i can only get online at the library or while visiting neko-san (as i am currently)

I'm hoping to be able to make it to everyone's sites while i'm here *crosses fingers*

i'm missing my friends from school, but i'm going to see 4 of them in a little less than two weeks. I'm going to conclave, a science fiction con near where i'm living.

and i get to see a boy who i really like there...so i'm rather entusiastic about it. It'll be my first con, though i'm hoping to make it to two more in the next year :)

well thats all for now.

domo
~jayde
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Monday, September 5, 2005

I'm Alive :)
Sorry for not updating in like...months. I ended up going through a hectic time in my life. So i was without decent net access and time to post.

Hope you can forgive me.

I've moved back home with my dad, i don't have internet there, but i should be able to update more. :)

And get to everyone's sites eventually as well. I'll try my best.

Well i will write more later, kind of freaking out about a message i just found hidden on one of my accounts. Its like two months old. And it was something i SHOULD have responded to. I know i haven't seen it before.

i hate glitches. I am crying inside.

wish me luck.

~jayde
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Wednesday, May 11, 2005

*giggle*

So far my week has been a lot of fun. I have walked and hung out with friends like every day this week. I watched Moulin Rouge by myself, but I curse the fact i don't have access to more musicals. I really really want to watch them right now. *sigh*

I also want to watch anime...I have the time but I don't...Oh well. My roommate is gone till tomorrow, I have a game tonight. I am figuring out my characters for the two LARPs i'm in this summer.

Yay fun (and doom)

But things are going well. Happiness and bunnies :) Things are definitely looking up.

~jayde
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Monday, May 9, 2005

Samurai X & Gaming
Yay for being able to post a couple times without bringing some sort of emotional/relationship stuff into it.

Not that its a bad thing, but I like to think my life isn't consumed by such things. :)

I have good friends. And Patrick is really working out as a roommate. We often end up staying awake later than we should..but its cool. We hang out with mutual friends and we talk over things..and I find i can talk to him more about things i can't talk to others about. He sees a little more than most people.. though sometimes he sees things that aren't actually there (more of a hypersensitivity thing..) But its nice to have someone to talk to who listens, understands the situation, and is supportive i guess. I do wonder sometimes though...why he supports me. I haven't known him as long as other people have..and yet I see him as a friend.

Lys would disagree...but I often see where they rub each other wrong. And usually its not one persons fault...they both do something and it ends up just exploding between them. Most of the time I don't even know whats going on..and end up rather confused. And then i hear their sides of the story, empathize with both of them and wait for things to smooth out between them.

I hate being a mediator sometimes. I am rather easily intimidated. Yet there is a person who can't intimidate me. Usually I'm rather intimidated by people, especially males. I don't really know why and even though I sometimes argue, I'm still intimidated. So finding a boy who doesn't do that..wow. Strange, I guess. I feel like i can talk to him about (almost) anything. Some things I can't even say to him. I want to get to know him better, but for a few different reason, we don't spend much time alone.

I am getting together my stuff for my games. I finished my character for Patrick's game (except for history, which i don't think is as important as before). I have to make up characters for the two LARPs this summer, though the Mortals LARP should be easy to do. Making a character for the werewolf LARP will be harder, but I have a couple weeks, since Craig won't be running until he gets back from France. And my new character, who is shaping up really nicely, won't be needed until fall. Though I want to get it mostly done in the next week or so, since this Friday we are meeting at 6 to do stuff for the group i'm associated with.

I watched some Samurai X today, showing it to a friend who likes Rurouni Kenshin, but has never seen the movies. He didn't finish watching them, but will hopefully watch them tomorrow, since he seemed to like them alot. It was getting kind of late, we had already watched a movie, which was alot of fun. I <3 Shrek 2...

And Patrick said he will show me Kill Bill tomorrow, since I haven't seen it. Evan will probably join us. And whoever else feels like hanging out.. though nobody else is really solid. Evan wants to hang out, but is doing some job searching tomorrow. I need to do that as well. I don't have much longer till I'll need the money. I need to get paperwork filled out. If my financial aid goes through alright, I might not need to get a job..but I should. I might need to help a friend out.. I curse the fact that another friend, who owes me money is working, but still hasn't payed anything towards what he owes. I'll probably never see it. The sad thing is the friend came up with the idea to pay me for borrowing something and even came up with the amt. And yet he hasn't even tried to pay. And he knows I could really use the money.

Especially since I might be moving in the fall. I want to stay here, but if all else fails and Jason is either not moving or just being a pain, I might move somewhere else. I would love to stay here, I am really starting to see this place as a home. And its been a long time since I've been that comfortable in a place. I kind of moved around alot for a while and I lived places but they never felt right i guess.

But i at least feel like i live with someone who cares right now. There are other people who I would want to live with, if given the choice.. and that might end up happening if all works out. I think I would be happier than I've been in a long time..

Have you ever had specific people who always make you happy..? No matter what the situation is, they just always make you smile.. I have one main person and a couple of others who do that for me. I try to do that for others as well.. I guess i think that people need to laugh, especially when they are sad.

...that didn't make much sense

Well thats really all for now, I will probably do more updating later.

Samurai X is awesome..
~jayde
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Sunday, May 8, 2005

Lots of cool stuff going on with my games, but I lack time to be verbose about it.

So yay happiness and a million things to do even though school is out for summer. I don't know what i'm going to do.. i am now in three D&D games, two LARPs and a tabletop werewolf game..

I think every day is covered, yet again, but i don't know for sure. The D&D games are semi-flexible. Currently they all run on saturday, two running bi-weekly and one starting like four hours later.. so i'm going to be dodging time to make it to them all. *sigh*

I'll work it out.

Well I've watched Phantom for the second time since buying it, I suddenly feel like watching musicals... Moulin Rouge beckons me. And I kind of want to watch Hair... And other musicals. I have this craving for theatre. Which sucks since there isn't any theatre really on campus during the summer, since everyone is gone.

*mew*

Well thats all for now, ciao!
~jayde
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Thursday, May 5, 2005

Exams are done. Werewolf came to a semi-conclusion, since Jesse is leaving for the summer. Our pack will probably never be together again, since Eric is probably leaving in the fall, though he is for sure here during summer. I will miss him, but I understand. He has his degree and there aren't as many job opportunities for a cosmetologist here. He'll probably get payed better elsewhere as well.

LARP's conclusion is tomorrow. Everyone is plotting and my character is just staying out of the way. She was re-embraced, which she is keeping a secret. Hopefully that works. More than one person has warned her away from the eminent danger. So she'll probably be incredibly scarce. Yay for making myself invisible in the corner, or possibly under a table (however last time i did that, i ended up getting hit with a chair).

Umm its nice to have things done. I know I'm secure in money for the next two months (if i'm careful). I will still be looking for a job, its something i think i need to do, until my classes start at least.

i hate searching for a job. I don't have a car. So it has to be close to home. And it just sucks. Its summer and I want to frolick and be with my friends, but everyone has something going on. Lys and Craig are going to France soon. Everyone is getting jobs or taking classes or going home. John is being shipped out in July, though its still not completely sure, but it is.. gah i hate the not knowing.

Evan is sick. I hope he gets better. He was passing out over here and really out of it. He hung out here like every day this week until he got sick. It was nice to have him around. Made me like him even more than i did before (which was alot). But on the day he got sick, he was hanging out with me and Patrick and then John came over. We commenced playing DDR, my first time. I did ok, but I can see the possibility of addiction.

And then Jamie came over and we basically hung out for a while. And I read Patrick's tarot, like I promised to. And I did an ok job, though I'm not all that great at it, I reference the book way too much.

I bought Phantom of the Opera on Tuesday, since that is the day it came out on DVD. I've only had the time to watch it once, which i did with Patrick. It was fun. ^^ the phantom is sexy... Though I have a few things that bother me about the movie, but oh well. The beginning scene still gives me shivers (happy ones) and i love the movie, for the story and the cinematic effects alone.

So watch Phantom of the Opera. Its worth it, especially if you love theatre (which i do). I definitely got to see much theatre this year, which was exciting to the extreme. Oops I think Senior performances are tomorrow..i think Lys and Craig forgot. Too bad I won't be seeing them...

*mew*

Oh well maybe I'll hop over to campus and check them out. I have to dig out my sims games for Lys to use. She bought me Superstar, since it was one of two I didn't have of the original The Sims. I still desire Sims 2, but I won't pay 50 dollars for it. Can't afford it right now.

I have a new character concept for fall. I think I'll be buying new costuming stuff for her, since i love dressing for LARP. Which is yet another expense, especially since I have kind of a distinct thing I want her to dress in and it might get a bit expensive, at least a hundred for one costume *sigh*

But Patrick watched Gravitation w/out me and I will probably watch it tomorrow and send it back, i kind of wish Eric could have done it, he was here while i was buying Phantom, but left before I got back. :(

Maybe if i can get him to come visit within the next week...

hm
~au revoir
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Monday, May 2, 2005

Yay a regular update :)
This week is finals week, I have finals on monday and tuesday, the rest of the week is free. Well except for friday, which is LARP and saturday, which is D&D.

Yay!

My new roomie is settled in, I think he is happy so far. Hopefully everything works out. I will soon be looking for a job, to work for at least part of the summer and hopefully save up some funds. My summer courses don't start till July-ish, so i have all of May and June to work..and then whenever i can fit it in while taking classes.

I had my weekly walk with my friend today and it was lots of fun. It was chilly and overcast and kind of rainy, but we skipped rocks and talked. And on the way back we saw a rainbow. Which is starting to become a trend i think..cause last time we walked there were rainbows too...and i think the time before that as well. Kind of weird, since I haven't seen a rainbow for a really long time.

I came back and ate spaghetti and cleaned my fridge and played Soul Calibur. Overall i had a really nice day. I got alot accomplished at home, including dishes. So yay me.

Yesterday I was out at a lake with a few friends and hung out and did divination stuff and hiked and snapped pics. It was alot of fun. And I got home after midnight and hung out with some friends that were here helping my new roommate unpack. Till like 7am and then went to sleep.

And now i'm kind of falling asleep because I was half hyper/half tired all day from the amount of activity in the last few days.

Including waking up early this morning so that my ex could grab a couple things he left at my house. It was decidedly uncomfortable. But he's doing this thing where he keeps saying he understands...and then he says he doesn't. Grr. And in the whole week we were dating he says he came to rely on me. I guess I'm happy that I didn't wait to end it, since that would have been even harder. I guess I don't see how you can become that enmeshed in just a week... And we definitely had a parasitic relationship (or so a friend of mine opined). He was happy, I wasn't. And I was the one kind of getting leeched off of. Not to be mean in any regard, but he didn't exactly help out. He expected me to cook for him when he was hungry and barely contributed to my food budget. I'm a college student, I can barely afford to feed myself. And he has a job. So grr. And I had the feeling that he didn't want to be with me, he wanted to be with someone. It didn't matter who, as long as they met his "requirements"

*sigh* End of ranting about THAT topic.

Being secretary is going well. I think my personal life will be kind of lonely for a while, since I have decided to REALLY be careful about who I date next. I want it to be someone i know really well. And someone who i can really talk to. So it will probably be a while till i find someone, but I figure its worth it. I have good friends. And thats the most important thing.

And in regard to a particular boy who I really like...even though i can't be with him...I guess I'm going to see how things go. Its one of those things where if I wait, I might be able to be with him... But i don't know whether i should or not. Its not that he's asking me to wait..or telling me that he wants to be with me. Its just i can see the possibility. And sadly that possibility is probably better than any relationship i could currently get into. Thats not to say i'm completely closing myself off, but I'm definitely upping my standards. I guess I've had pretty low ones so far, which is why i keep ending up with not so good people. And I momentarily was able to see what being with a GOOD person would be like. And that is probably why i was able to break things off with my bf. Because things that i would have put up with a while ago seem wrong to me now. I realize that not every person is like that. And thats a good thing.

Its not that I have these incredibly hight requirements or anything. I want somebody who respects me and sees me as a partner, not as an object. Someone who i can talk to and be friends with. Someone who won't push me. And someone who will love me and care whether i'm happy or not, rather than ignoring it. Those are things that should be present in a relationship...a good one at least. I have never had all of them. Or even half of them in a relationship.

So rather than looking for someone who wants me, I guess I'll look for someone to be friends with. Which is kind of what i've been doing, except the boys i hang out with the most are generally taken...or don't like girls. I have more friends that I don't hang out with as much who are single, but they've never given me the impression they were interested. And I don't know them as well. So basically i'm going to get to know and be friends with a person before i even CONSIDER dating them. I know how good it is to truly KNOW a person. And thats become something i don't think i could do without anymore. Which is a good thing, because how am i ever going to be in a good relationship without being friends first. For a long time. I have this tendency to become friends with people quickly and trust too easily...so I guess I would want to be friends for a while and see a few things. Cause i can annoy people sometimes..and i definitely have some interesting quirks... I'm rambling, sorry.

In closing, I just want to say, life is pretty good right now. I have anime and good friends and video games and roleplaying games. And maybe...someone to love eventually. That would complete it. I guess thats the one thing I REALLY want. And it probably won't happen for a while, but I hope that i stick to my principles and don't make a mistake again. Love is worth waiting for. Thats something that really needed to sink in, i think. That waiting isn't a bad thing. That being alone isn't a bad thing. As long as you are open to the possiblity of finding someone... then it will happen. You just have to realize that you can't rush that kind of thing. The best things in life aren't easy. And they aren't usually instantaneous.

So yay for finding the answer within myself. And hopefully I'm finding the right answer and not grasping at straws. I don't want to ruin the one thing that could possibly complete my life. I have a good life...but yeah there is something missing.

But i am content. For now ^^

~jayde
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Saturday, April 30, 2005

sorry for not updating till now...this post will prolly be long
In reply to comments on my last post, I am single and happy as well. I occasionally get a desire to be with someone, but i have friends who make that feeling go away i guess. The problem is the people who make me feel less alone have significant others, so when I'm left alone, they go home to someone.

However, I realized this week that being alone isn't all that bad. I agreed to go out with a boy I barely knew and ended up finding out that i don't really like him all that much. He's a nice person and all, but he was constantly at my house and it was driving me insane. I'm used to a certain amount of alone time and I didn't get it at all. And he wanted to go everywhere I went. Including on my walk with Ev. Which is a special time for the two of us to hang out and talk about things going on. Which I expressed. Very clearly. And Mike was kind of grr about it. But yeah, he basically imposed and made a nuisance of himself. i don't mean to sound horrible when I say it, but it was kind of not happy. But i actually stood up for myself for once and broke it off, before he got established in my life. So yay for me for being smart for once.

But things like that happening, i.e. finally meeting a boy who WANTED to date me, made me realize i have to be sure before going out with someone. I was doing ok with Zac, I got to know him somewhat better and was kind of taking things slow, but the complete lack of input from him kind of made that fall through.

And then I know the person I want to be with and I know its impossible. But i still love him. And just being his friend makes it better. Being in the same room as him makes me so happy i want to dance. And just knowing that he cares...well it makes it worth it. Its hard to understand that i love him...and yet am able to put that aside because he made a decision that didn't include me. But its hard because he is the first person in my life who i ever thought i might be in love with. Truly in love. And i can see the possiblities, but I won't make a move...because I know how much bad it would bring. So yeah...sorry for the rant. But I've loved people, I've been close to people, I have had a couple decent boyfriends and even at the happiest moments in our relationship i have never been as happy as just being in the same room as this person. Or seeing him smile, even if it isn't at me.

But its hard to hate life when you occasionally have this soaring of joy. Love. I think I'm in love. And it brings only pain when I sit and think about how impossible it is. But i still get his smiles...

And I'm sorry for putting this all here...but you guys always make me feel like you understand...or at least sympathize. :)

In other news..I have been complimented on my work as secretary. By quite a few people. So I'm beginning to think I was really meant for this. I am becoming more organized and taking notes like a fiend. And I'm enjoying it, even the slightly bad parts :( Like the fact that i ended up running the bakesale basically and getting up at 6/7 am on wednesday and thursday to get everything unpacked and set up on the table. I was there all day wednesday and in the morning and evening on thursday (slight gap in between).

Things will be happening at LARP this week to bring some closure to the end of the year. It will be exciting, though it will probably require the making of a new character.

I have a new roommate, Paul moved out and Patrick (v.p. of LARP) moved in. So yay new roomie. And possibly another one... ? Who will be sleeping on the couch i guess...

umm..haven't gotten much writing done in the last week. Mostly due to annoyances (see rant on FORMER boyfriend above). Haven't got much of anything done actually. I did finally see Shaun of the Dead, which is awesome and yesterday (29th) i saw Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. They did a really good job and Alan Rickman voice Marvin, the depressed robot.

But yeah...creepy boy=bad boyfriend

I actually had a couple of friends really concerned about me dating him. REALLY concerned. I was rather surprised to find out that people who I thought liked him...actually didn't. I thought John liked him, but John basically told me (when pushed) that he thought i could do better. In fact everyone thought i could do better. If only i could find someone "better" who wants me. Rather than a creepy, clingy, older boyfriend. Whose concept of "space" is a joke. I wanted Zac, but now the general consensus is he's being a jerk right now...and I can see that in a couple ways, he was really rude to Patrick and called Lys incompetant. But at the same time, he still has his sarcastic humor and shaggy hair...and cute smile *giggle* Ah I'm being girly *hides* And no he isn't the boy of my dreams *sigh* But he is a good person and I get the feeling he wouldn't push me..and he has his own life, so he wouldn't be trying to take over mine. Unfortunately Lys doesn't like him right now, so she would probably keep me as far away from him as possible. Strangely enough she doesn't want to share me with others, though she hasn't been too bad so far..and I kind of have to share her with Craig and I've always had to share her with her other friends (she's always had more friends than me), but I guess its just weird for her. She's used to me being kind of without friends... And she doesn't like Ev...which is kind of disappointing. I <3 them both, I've known Lys longer, but Ev quickly became a best friend. I trust him and Alyssia quite a bit. They are definitely up there in my friends. So i wish they liked each other *sigh* I kind of understand both their reasons which makes it even harder, so blah..

Well in the interests of not writing too much, I'll end this now. :)
~jayde
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Friday, April 22, 2005

thanks everyone!!
Currently in a hotel room in wisconsin. I should be sleeping, but am talking to someone online. Miss talking to Neko-san, but I will talk to her soon I'm sure.

Can't believe the hotel had wireless *happy dance* I haven't gotten any work done really, but I did work *some* on my D&D character. Prolly not going on saturday, due to a play i forgot about and have tickets to.

And then I might hang out with Lys and Craig and meet Craig's friends. Kind of nervous when I meet new people. It takes me a while to loosen up.

Thanks for all the support for my last post. And sorry for the last few paragraphs. I just occasionally feel left out. My friends are finding these great wonderful people and I feel kind of left out. Its not that I hate being single. Single isn't horrible. Its just one of those things where everyone has someone to pair off with and spend time with and I'm left by myself, doing nothing.

I have a few friends who are single, but they aren't my closest friends (or if they are, they have a million other things to do). So yeah, lonely and abandoned me. Sorry for the self-pity thing. I'm trying to be concise about why I'm lonely and it comes out sounding whiny..

I'm lucky. At least i feel that way. I have good friends, here and in the flesh. I have my muse, though it comes and goes. I haven't written alot, but I have actually FINISHED stories so I feel better about it. I feel better about being an English major, though i'm wavering between Writing major and Graduate bound.

Roleplaying is eating my brain. I'm worried about my finals. I'm studying and working my butt off and don't know if its making a difference. I am adding new people to my best friends..and kind of sad because they don't all like each other (or know each other). I'm working on that, but I don't know how it will go. Everyone has their shortcomings, nobody is perfect. I am a clear example of that. I make mistakes, I compromise my code... but i try to learn from my mistakes and i try not to hold other people's mistakes against them.

I'm developing a headache just thinking about it. Tomorrow is the Organic farm and thankfully no more sad little piggies that make me cry ... *sigh* And then return to home and LARP. And secretary duties.

I will be working on a new email list. And saying if you have any announcements you'd like included in the newsletter, get them to me by SUNDAY. at the latest. and it has to be something at least student related. Or something like that. And i have to find out if the president is ever going to have a damn executive board meeting. Cause he specifically said it would be this week and we had loads of time. I didn't even TALK to him. I talked to his gf about non-LARP stuff.

Grr and yay play tomorrow
~jayde
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Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Doom!!! (hehe)
Ok, not really doom. I'm happy. Stragely giddily happy. And there is no true reason for it. Its not that I'm completely free of worries, because there is always something there that I'm waiting to go wrong (part of my personality i guess). But right now, I feel like i have some of the best friends in the world.

I have had good friends for a while. People who I hung out with and who were there for me in high school. Really I can think of only two people who were really good friends to me during my high school years, Neko-san and her brother.

And I still treasure their friendship, though I don't talk to Oniisan as much as I used to. But I'm at this excited happy stage where I am suddenly realizing the amount of people who care about me. And for somebody who has never had more that 4 good friends, thats a surprise. Its like I'm finally becoming a social minded person. I am finding more than a few people who like me and share my interests. I have this group of people who I hang out with and feel safe with.

I made one true lasting friend my freshman year of college. I got somewhat closer to Paul and Jason, but we have really been drifting apart. I like them, but it took me a long time to realize that we really share few interests. I like to walk and talk to people. I like to socially interact. I have a tendency to be quiet in large social gatherings, but I seem to have found people who understand that. That see through the public me and are interested in getting to know me better.

And so I'm happy. I'm hoping that this is a change in attitude and that maybe things are going my way. I have found several things that interest me and for once I'm devoting time to my own enjoyment. I have plans, I go to clubs. I don't seclude myself anymore. I was really lonely my freshman year, being away from Neko-san, because we spent so much time together. And I still miss her, but I feel a little less alone.

And I'm looking forward to seeing her again. And I'm hoping that my new devotion to roleplaying is something she is interested in. Because that would be cool ^^

And even if she's not, I hope she likes my new friends. I don't know why, but I'm anxious about her meeting them... I trust her and her opinion.. So I guess I just hope that she doesn't think I'm an idiot or that my new hobbies are stupid or something...i don't know :P

I have my field trip on thursday, I'm staying the night at Lys and Craig's the night before and then we are driving in the next day together.

I'll be back on friday at like 8pm, making me a couple hours late for LARP, but I'll still get to go :)

I have been doing some plotting with my character, so I can't wait to see what is going on. I have to talk to a couple of other characters before things are solidified. But things will be going in an interesting direction. Which is appropriate for the last few weeks of gameplay. I'm assuming, since the President never got ahold of me, that we aren't having an executive board meeting this week. Therefore it will probably occur next week, which is a bit more hectic. I don't know why we didn't meet, he said we would be. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

I think the nice weather is affecting my mood. My post has this horrible look of optimism to it ;)

~ciao

P.S. how come all the good boys are taken, or too shy to make a move, or not interested... *sigh* I will have happiness without boys...but mostly because i know i have good friends willing to spend time with my lonely single self. I just want someone to spend time with... all my really good friends are in these relationships right now that I envy. I feel surrounded by couples. And its kind of lonely being the only one without someone... grr this was a good post until i thought of boys *sigh*

And why is everyone getting married or engaged or just in a really serius relationship. Its not fair!!! *ahem* Sorry. I'm just kind of sick of people telling me that I'm pretty and smart and funny... and that boys like me. Cause if boys like me, why have i NOT had a boyfriend in a year and a half. I have had two people ASK during that time period. Both who I know way too well to think it would EVER work. And both who realized eventually that I was right. And have moved on.

I suppose the best advice came from Craig. He told me...that only after you've given up all hope and resigned yourself to being alone...that's when somebody you fall in love with comes along. And I look at him and Lys and wish them to be happy forever. Cause both of them deserve it so much.

But its hard to give up hope when everyone around me is in love.

Damn.
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