Saturday, April 30, 2005

sorry for not updating till now...this post will prolly be long
In reply to comments on my last post, I am single and happy as well. I occasionally get a desire to be with someone, but i have friends who make that feeling go away i guess. The problem is the people who make me feel less alone have significant others, so when I'm left alone, they go home to someone.

However, I realized this week that being alone isn't all that bad. I agreed to go out with a boy I barely knew and ended up finding out that i don't really like him all that much. He's a nice person and all, but he was constantly at my house and it was driving me insane. I'm used to a certain amount of alone time and I didn't get it at all. And he wanted to go everywhere I went. Including on my walk with Ev. Which is a special time for the two of us to hang out and talk about things going on. Which I expressed. Very clearly. And Mike was kind of grr about it. But yeah, he basically imposed and made a nuisance of himself. i don't mean to sound horrible when I say it, but it was kind of not happy. But i actually stood up for myself for once and broke it off, before he got established in my life. So yay for me for being smart for once.

But things like that happening, i.e. finally meeting a boy who WANTED to date me, made me realize i have to be sure before going out with someone. I was doing ok with Zac, I got to know him somewhat better and was kind of taking things slow, but the complete lack of input from him kind of made that fall through.

And then I know the person I want to be with and I know its impossible. But i still love him. And just being his friend makes it better. Being in the same room as him makes me so happy i want to dance. And just knowing that he cares...well it makes it worth it. Its hard to understand that i love him...and yet am able to put that aside because he made a decision that didn't include me. But its hard because he is the first person in my life who i ever thought i might be in love with. Truly in love. And i can see the possiblities, but I won't make a move...because I know how much bad it would bring. So yeah...sorry for the rant. But I've loved people, I've been close to people, I have had a couple decent boyfriends and even at the happiest moments in our relationship i have never been as happy as just being in the same room as this person. Or seeing him smile, even if it isn't at me.

But its hard to hate life when you occasionally have this soaring of joy. Love. I think I'm in love. And it brings only pain when I sit and think about how impossible it is. But i still get his smiles...

And I'm sorry for putting this all here...but you guys always make me feel like you understand...or at least sympathize. :)

In other news..I have been complimented on my work as secretary. By quite a few people. So I'm beginning to think I was really meant for this. I am becoming more organized and taking notes like a fiend. And I'm enjoying it, even the slightly bad parts :( Like the fact that i ended up running the bakesale basically and getting up at 6/7 am on wednesday and thursday to get everything unpacked and set up on the table. I was there all day wednesday and in the morning and evening on thursday (slight gap in between).

Things will be happening at LARP this week to bring some closure to the end of the year. It will be exciting, though it will probably require the making of a new character.

I have a new roommate, Paul moved out and Patrick (v.p. of LARP) moved in. So yay new roomie. And possibly another one... ? Who will be sleeping on the couch i guess...

umm..haven't gotten much writing done in the last week. Mostly due to annoyances (see rant on FORMER boyfriend above). Haven't got much of anything done actually. I did finally see Shaun of the Dead, which is awesome and yesterday (29th) i saw Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. They did a really good job and Alan Rickman voice Marvin, the depressed robot.

But yeah...creepy boy=bad boyfriend

I actually had a couple of friends really concerned about me dating him. REALLY concerned. I was rather surprised to find out that people who I thought liked him...actually didn't. I thought John liked him, but John basically told me (when pushed) that he thought i could do better. In fact everyone thought i could do better. If only i could find someone "better" who wants me. Rather than a creepy, clingy, older boyfriend. Whose concept of "space" is a joke. I wanted Zac, but now the general consensus is he's being a jerk right now...and I can see that in a couple ways, he was really rude to Patrick and called Lys incompetant. But at the same time, he still has his sarcastic humor and shaggy hair...and cute smile *giggle* Ah I'm being girly *hides* And no he isn't the boy of my dreams *sigh* But he is a good person and I get the feeling he wouldn't push me..and he has his own life, so he wouldn't be trying to take over mine. Unfortunately Lys doesn't like him right now, so she would probably keep me as far away from him as possible. Strangely enough she doesn't want to share me with others, though she hasn't been too bad so far..and I kind of have to share her with Craig and I've always had to share her with her other friends (she's always had more friends than me), but I guess its just weird for her. She's used to me being kind of without friends... And she doesn't like Ev...which is kind of disappointing. I <3 them both, I've known Lys longer, but Ev quickly became a best friend. I trust him and Alyssia quite a bit. They are definitely up there in my friends. So i wish they liked each other *sigh* I kind of understand both their reasons which makes it even harder, so blah..

Well in the interests of not writing too much, I'll end this now. :)
~jayde
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