Monday, May 2, 2005

Yay a regular update :)
This week is finals week, I have finals on monday and tuesday, the rest of the week is free. Well except for friday, which is LARP and saturday, which is D&D.

Yay!

My new roomie is settled in, I think he is happy so far. Hopefully everything works out. I will soon be looking for a job, to work for at least part of the summer and hopefully save up some funds. My summer courses don't start till July-ish, so i have all of May and June to work..and then whenever i can fit it in while taking classes.

I had my weekly walk with my friend today and it was lots of fun. It was chilly and overcast and kind of rainy, but we skipped rocks and talked. And on the way back we saw a rainbow. Which is starting to become a trend i think..cause last time we walked there were rainbows too...and i think the time before that as well. Kind of weird, since I haven't seen a rainbow for a really long time.

I came back and ate spaghetti and cleaned my fridge and played Soul Calibur. Overall i had a really nice day. I got alot accomplished at home, including dishes. So yay me.

Yesterday I was out at a lake with a few friends and hung out and did divination stuff and hiked and snapped pics. It was alot of fun. And I got home after midnight and hung out with some friends that were here helping my new roommate unpack. Till like 7am and then went to sleep.

And now i'm kind of falling asleep because I was half hyper/half tired all day from the amount of activity in the last few days.

Including waking up early this morning so that my ex could grab a couple things he left at my house. It was decidedly uncomfortable. But he's doing this thing where he keeps saying he understands...and then he says he doesn't. Grr. And in the whole week we were dating he says he came to rely on me. I guess I'm happy that I didn't wait to end it, since that would have been even harder. I guess I don't see how you can become that enmeshed in just a week... And we definitely had a parasitic relationship (or so a friend of mine opined). He was happy, I wasn't. And I was the one kind of getting leeched off of. Not to be mean in any regard, but he didn't exactly help out. He expected me to cook for him when he was hungry and barely contributed to my food budget. I'm a college student, I can barely afford to feed myself. And he has a job. So grr. And I had the feeling that he didn't want to be with me, he wanted to be with someone. It didn't matter who, as long as they met his "requirements"

*sigh* End of ranting about THAT topic.

Being secretary is going well. I think my personal life will be kind of lonely for a while, since I have decided to REALLY be careful about who I date next. I want it to be someone i know really well. And someone who i can really talk to. So it will probably be a while till i find someone, but I figure its worth it. I have good friends. And thats the most important thing.

And in regard to a particular boy who I really like...even though i can't be with him...I guess I'm going to see how things go. Its one of those things where if I wait, I might be able to be with him... But i don't know whether i should or not. Its not that he's asking me to wait..or telling me that he wants to be with me. Its just i can see the possibility. And sadly that possibility is probably better than any relationship i could currently get into. Thats not to say i'm completely closing myself off, but I'm definitely upping my standards. I guess I've had pretty low ones so far, which is why i keep ending up with not so good people. And I momentarily was able to see what being with a GOOD person would be like. And that is probably why i was able to break things off with my bf. Because things that i would have put up with a while ago seem wrong to me now. I realize that not every person is like that. And thats a good thing.

Its not that I have these incredibly hight requirements or anything. I want somebody who respects me and sees me as a partner, not as an object. Someone who i can talk to and be friends with. Someone who won't push me. And someone who will love me and care whether i'm happy or not, rather than ignoring it. Those are things that should be present in a relationship...a good one at least. I have never had all of them. Or even half of them in a relationship.

So rather than looking for someone who wants me, I guess I'll look for someone to be friends with. Which is kind of what i've been doing, except the boys i hang out with the most are generally taken...or don't like girls. I have more friends that I don't hang out with as much who are single, but they've never given me the impression they were interested. And I don't know them as well. So basically i'm going to get to know and be friends with a person before i even CONSIDER dating them. I know how good it is to truly KNOW a person. And thats become something i don't think i could do without anymore. Which is a good thing, because how am i ever going to be in a good relationship without being friends first. For a long time. I have this tendency to become friends with people quickly and trust too easily...so I guess I would want to be friends for a while and see a few things. Cause i can annoy people sometimes..and i definitely have some interesting quirks... I'm rambling, sorry.

In closing, I just want to say, life is pretty good right now. I have anime and good friends and video games and roleplaying games. And maybe...someone to love eventually. That would complete it. I guess thats the one thing I REALLY want. And it probably won't happen for a while, but I hope that i stick to my principles and don't make a mistake again. Love is worth waiting for. Thats something that really needed to sink in, i think. That waiting isn't a bad thing. That being alone isn't a bad thing. As long as you are open to the possiblity of finding someone... then it will happen. You just have to realize that you can't rush that kind of thing. The best things in life aren't easy. And they aren't usually instantaneous.

So yay for finding the answer within myself. And hopefully I'm finding the right answer and not grasping at straws. I don't want to ruin the one thing that could possibly complete my life. I have a good life...but yeah there is something missing.

But i am content. For now ^^

~jayde
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