Saturday, February 9, 2008

Blastic.
its really a shitty situation when you're miserable and the path that leads away from that misery is very unpleasant and completely opposed to everything you believe and stand for.

in time this whole situation with Beverly will no longer matter to me, that i'll have memories of the times we shared and nothing else, that she'll just be some face in my past that i will have very little connection to and i'll be fine with that. i know that is reality, and i hate it so much, i hate that so much about our damn species, that we can just let go like that, forget people, discard people, devalue people all in order to preserve ourselves. its a survival instinct, and it works. but i really dislike it.

i guess its just because it doesn't fit into my idealistic romantic world that i had been living in for 2.5 years, its not pretty and poetic and it doesn't make me feel all warm inside to acknowledge that as reality. its hurtful to think thats how things really are, that you have to abandon people and give up on things you up until then would've given your life for in order to keep that life you were so willing to trade for their happiness. if i killed myself now it wouldn't make her happy, i suppose thats a very good thing being as it means that i'll still be here typing this posts out.

man i'm spoiled, its been a month now since Bev called it all off and i'm still not able to let it all go, i still long to hear her voice and for everything to revert to the way it was, but i know now how damn unlikely that is, that in all likelihood i'll go through this a myriad more times before i finally found what i just lost and sought throughout my whole life. i'm destined to raise many more women to the heights of Goddesses and then devalue them to mere memories, and the fact that i know i'm capable of that makes me feel like a horrible person, why did it all go wrong, why does the world have to be this way!?

i still want to call her, but i know its only because i want her to hold me to her bosom and soothe me again, i guess i have given up on her heart, or at least its no longer at the forefront of my mind [a painful realization] i only wish i could tell her about my pain and she could help me like the old days, but i guess those days ended on 19-08 as well huh?

besides, tomorrow i will have not talked to her for at least 21 if not 28 days, i live 2000 miles away and we seem to have almost no similar interests and whether either of us want it or not the slightest slip of the tongue on her part could gut me like a fish and leave me sobbing on the floor again. i'm so afraid to call her [i'm crying now, i don't know if thats relevant or not, just thought i'd let you guys know] because i don't know what she'll say, and i don't know what she'll say because we haven't talked in a month, i wonder if she even cares about me anymore.

effort and sincerity: with those you can accomplish anything. i wonder if thats true, i never slacked off with Bev, i always tried my best and i always told the truth but still this happened, i wish Time-Space With Yuko was real, then i could ask her if thats really true with love. the irony is that that kind of talk is the reason Bev left me, reality avoiding. if it is true i'm doing the wrong thing, i ran away from Bev, i stopped showing effort,and this action is not my choice, i don't want to do it, its in no way sincere, but the fact remains i'm too much of a coward to call her. i wish she'd go online and read this, she told me before i came over there at some point that she'd actually always had been reading my posts, she just didn't want to comment because she felt her words weren't smart enough and that i didn't care because i never answered questions she asked. i wonder if she read this now [crying again] if she'd be able to tell her words had meaning?

i'm trying so hard to be strong but its not working, because without sometimes i forget how to stand, i'm so sorry to all of you, i never find time to visit and i never write AP because it reminds me too much of her, i'm just giving up it seems, i just can't do anything right right now, but i'll keep trying, i really hope you guys keep coming back.

-quote-

for 2.5 years i could never hear Bev's voice in my head, no matter what i did her voice would never come to me, today in the the bath i kept hearing her cooing in my ear

"i'm you're beaner *giggle*"
"te amo, mi amor"
"i looooooooove you"

why does it hurt so much, why does it seem like life is just trying to hurt me, words i could never find when they helped just show up when it hurts?

maybe next time i check in i won't be such a tool, i meant to start talking about other things today, but i failed, better luck next time!

-JD Person-
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Sunday, February 3, 2008

DQ Blizzard.
i'm glad you all think i'm so strong, and that i'm so full of insight into the good parts of humanity, i really don't understand that second part, being as all i'm doing is bitching about my life, maybe i'm too close to it to see, maybe when i look back i'll see the wisdom all you guys see in my words, but right now i'm saying what i'm saying just to try to empty out all the turmoil inside me more than i'm trying to instruct you all on how to be a better person.

i'm also glad you guys trust my strength enough to call me a bitch and tell me that if i were an emo none of you would talk to me, its support like that that makes me strong, i'm so glad i have you guys here to help me out at times like this.

but i must admit this has been a piss-poor day, crappy weekend actually, i had no school friday so i had a lot of time off and unfortunately instead of being time for me to heal and progress somehow it turned into time where i ruminated and in the end, regressed. though i've never been through this before so there is a good chance that i am in fact progressing and that on that path there are peaks and furrows and i just fell into one of those because right now it really feels like all i can to to keep from breaking.

at times it feels like emotional feedback, like when you bring two ones too close together, when i'm idol i just feel all this pressure all around me, all the dying dreams, all the promises for the future, the world that i was building for the two of us that i thought would be my masterpiece will most likely be left to wither and die so that at some point in the future i can try it all over again, hopefully with the ending i was hoping for. and the re-realization [don't ask me how many times i've "realized" cuz i don't fucking know anymore]of me not having all those half-breed mexican children i was hoping for.

i think, no matter how fucked up it is, that i miss the poetry as much as i miss her. i miss the fact that i was such an inspiration, i was leading a committed, long-distance, interracial, high school romance which was going to be my "first and last" and everything was going to be "forever" because we "promised". i guess i liked the fact we'd overcome so much, and now its all a failure. that i'm 17, i've had one girlfriend and that lasted for less than 3 years. my pride is really fucking me over so much.

but its not all bullshit, i really miss the activities we'd do together, i turned on rock of love II and after realizing that i had no one to repeat the lines to and gossip about the girls to i became very sad, i miss watching the vh1 dating shows with my beaner. its so weird to have no grand finale each night, before i didn't mind it was bedtime because that meant it was Bev-time, and even in the morning going to school i got to call her before i left, and that always cheered me up. i miss that, i miss hearing her voice, i miss her so deeply but i know calling her will do nothing. if i call i'll just end up trying to dump all my problems on her again, try to force her to be my life-raft and she can't be that anymore.

and sometimes she just isn't the same, some of the things she's said, that she believes now really hurt me, and it really feels like i can't win. if she's the same then i'll fall in love with her again, and if she's different then i'm asking a different person to comfort me the way the other did. i really feel like we lack things in common, i just can't seem to get up the nerve to call her. 2000 miles seems to far for the bonds of a friendship to stretch, without my heart begging for her and being nurtured by her love it just seems too hard to be calling her each day.

today my dad got bit by my brother's dog and had to go to hospital, so i was left at ho,e to just mull about again, the first thought i had, the first fucking thought was "i need to call Bev." yeah, and say what? tell her my story, if she's home, cuz unlike me she has a life, so i tell her my story, if she takes my call, and if she listens to my story, and then what? it just all seems so pointless, i feel so empty and everything just feels like an escape, the passing of time brings pain and i have naught to look forward to.

as long as i'm busy i'm happy, i can run from all the thought of how my life has changed, how i've lost so much. my strength is in the fact that i can move on, but i still can't do that fully, i still get drawn back and i still feel pain.

i feel like shit for feeling this way but i don't know what else i can do, i want to talk to her, i want us to be friends but my wanting alone was not enough for our relationship so can it really save a friendship? i don't even know if she wants to take my call.

oh well, i haven't driven you guys away, i can still bitch to all you, i'll try to start visiting again, so i can give as well as take.

-quote-

"how poetic"

i went to home depot today, felling all mopey, and whilst my mother was getting home repair advice i went off and stared at all the lights in the light section, i think all the lamps and ceiling lights are pretty. its funny though because here i am lost, alone and wandering and i was literally drawn to the light. so either i really am seeking a new lover or i just have an attention span like a moth.

-JD Person-
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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

How far we've come.
as Yensid-sama would say "you guys have reading comprehension problems." good Christ the only non-whiny part of that whole damn rant was me saying i'm gonna go shave and you dumb-asses think i'm going to go kill myself!

i'm touched by you're concern though, its always nice to know that people care and that if you did off yourself there wouldn't be a world-wide sigh of relief. i suppose its really selfish to take joy in the fact you can hurt others but sometimes you need that little ego boost, i'm glad that all you guys still want to hear from me now.

yep, my raison detre has been taken away, it turns out that she wasn't the green stick figure and once more i shall be wandering through the town with no people and searching for the one just for me and only for me. i am in no way enjoying this but unfortunately the sad truth is that being unhappy, dissatisfied or depressed doesn't change anything. i can pine and whine and bitch and moan but all that does is make make me seem weak, as much as i want everything that has happened to just go away and everything to go back to the way it was for 2 and a half years it won't. we're both different people now and operantly i no longer fit into the new plans for the future, so just like Athrun i was pretty much phased out and almost eliminated, but just like him i survived [i guess i have a ;lot in common with Zala, we've both terrible with women.]

alas i thought it'd be forever but it wasn't, all those promises mean nothing if the other person lacks the will to keep them, the distance, our youth, today's world and probably even our personalities drove us apart, i can't even bear to pick up the phone anymore, i don't know what to say. as much as i want to change the world to make it conducive to my will and her dreams i'm not god and therefore as i've said i once more am left without that i value most.

but i'm doing better now, i've amerced myself i video games and hanging out with my older brother, i suppose that might make me seem like a loser or some stupid otaku/geek but i'd rather be hated and alone because of who i am rather then loved for my ability to deceive. i believe that its possible to be happy living behind a mask if you have pride in your work but its not the life for me, i wasn't born to be popular and i don't strive to be popular either. finding someone who values me as a crude, feminine anime and love freak will always be my prime objective, but its not really the kind i can actively pursue at this point, i'll just have to hope for lightning to strike twice.

boy is it awkward to be admitting this, i guess every time i bring it up i feel like i'm validating it, i guess i think if i never say it it'll never be true, if your dream dies in the woods and no one sees the corpse is it still alive?

no, what is dead is dead, and hiding its expiration does nothing but burden your soul, no matter how much it wounds my pride to not be able to come on here and flaunt my happiness and my success like some bauer bird in reality to hide the fact that this has occurred and to go on like nothing has changed would be even more pathetic, denile is nothing but the opiate of the one two weak to face the truth, life sucks right now, i'm struggling from day to day and i'm definitely not where i wanna be, but i'm not some stupid emo shit crying off my mascara and cutting myself so i can wallow in my misery until someone comes and saves me.

because the problem with saviors is, once your safe and can walk again, they lose interest and move on.

one day Yukino will leave Arima, fuck what the manga says, one day she'll see him as holding her back, and his devotion won't be enough, so she'll elope with Asaba because he has lots of friends too, he's "fun".

so here i stand as Arima, but i refuse to lose myself to the darkness inside, unlike him, i killed that dark self the moment my support was gone, it took all i had, but i knew if i didn't i'd lose myself to it.

i hope i can thank her some day for saving my life, if i ever get up the nerve to call her again.

-JD Person-
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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

disclaimer.
sorry that i haven't been around, the absolute worst thing that could ever happen in my whole entire life has happened and its so hard for me to come back on here now.

this is a place i bragged about my happiness i talked about all my great times and i shared all my plans for the future, all the promises now broken.

Lytjuh and silver-sama i don't know how i can face you guys now, i'm so jealous of you and i'm not strong enough to accept reality. sempai, you too, you're happiness... it might be too much for me.

i go from day to day going from happy to sad, i'm unstable, i'm scared and i'm in so much pain and sadness, at times it feels like all i've done was for naught.

so i need to stay off here until i can accept reality and face the consequences of what i based my real life and my otaku life about. i hope you all remember me when i return, i hope you all welcome me back when i'm better.

i'm sorry for betraying all of you, i won't labor you with my problems. i'm going to go shave myself now, i guess holding a razor really can cheer you up...

til we meet again

♥ JD Person ♥
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Monday, January 7, 2008

Anna no Issho Datta No Ni [Athrun x Cagalli version]
well i guess i walked right into the "a little curious" line with my last post. "if you poke a guy's prostate will he like it?" i must admit my total lack of filter on all knowledge i wish to acquire can often lead me into very strange situations like that. but still it does seem like a very legitimate question, but i no longer ever want to find out the answer on my own. i suppose even the most apathetic guy will latch on to the words "extreme sensations of sexual arousal and pleasure." but really actually thinking about the processes involved in such an action really cancel out any reaped benefit of said action.

i guess i should stop being such a follower, i think i want to be the guy who is all sensual and knows all the tricks to make himself and his beloveds bodies to feel all the right things, but really i think that rectal play is a bit out of the question, at least in my case, and i'm sure my lover would agree, i'm sure she's not exactly jumping at the chance to shove some foreign object up my rectum.

i do find it interesting that the tissues that make up the anal and vagina canals are pretty much as similar as bodily structures can get, so much so that when they turn guys into girls they use part of poop shut to make a baby hangar, that still can't convince me that poking myself in the butt is worth it, its just kinda funny.

but enough about such unpleasant subjects, on to other unpleasant subjects! i returned to school today, which i was not all that glad about, i was really tweaked out yesterday over it, but i eventually rationalized it like i do everything, i was on vacation and that is now ending, this is how things are MEANT to be, i was merely spoiled by my time off and now normalcy seems like Hell in comparison. funny thing is that a lot of my teachers said this was their worst come-back as well so maybe its something in the water.

its the same way with me and Bev, i realize looking back that for a long while we did have slight problems, i can remember all the days of worrying and letter writing on both our parts, its just for such a long time its been absolutely problem free that i once more grew complacent, i saw that as normal as opposed to a gift and thats why now if Bev even says one one thing thats even the slightest bit, i guess problematic[?] i go all bat-shit and get stir crazy, pacing and pondering and flipping out, hell now if there's even a moment of silence i freak out because i feel like i'm boring her, none of this mind you is even implied by her, its all fabricated in my mind, i just seem to be all fucked up in the mind recently, i guess i just have to adjust once more and get used to reality.

i finished watching Red vs. Blue Saturday night and i must say that it was a really great series, especially considering how its made. i'm really surprised, i actually miss the characters, something i can't even say about a lot on anime, its so strange, i never expected this outcome.

i did luck out in that i saw what i believe from hearing the descriptions would be the best ending, church going nuts and killing Sarge and Simmons for killing Tex, and then everything devolving into a free-for-all with everyone killing one another. i am sad to see Tucker and Sister die, but i was funny to see Caboose as the grand survivor, then he gets crushed by a falling vehicle. i like that ending because its pretty definite, but then again considering Church and Tex its possible that it would actually just mean they all became ghosts and if Vic Jr ever sends in more soldiers to try and wipe out the aliens they could all get them to build new robot bodies or possibly just posses all of them.

i suppose its extremely odd i'm putting so much thought into this, but alas i AM EXTREMELY ODD so i guess it all works out in the end.

-quote-

Me: i'm ashamed of myself, i sat through all of "Sweeny Todd" and i didn't make a single "Mr. T" joke.

Bro: Like "Quit the jibber-jabber and come get a shave!"

Me: Or "i pity the fool who comes to Mr. T for a shave, uhn! Gonna make you into pie, and that ain't no lie, UHN!"

insanity is inherited through the "y" chromosome in my family i guess.

♥ JD Person ♥
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Saturday, January 5, 2008

Drivin' through the night
i alway keep saying i need a summoning command, whenever i go places with my mom i always split off from her and then i can never relocate her post-menopause ass. so i wonder why i can't just have an action screen like in an RPG where i could just select "summon" and either drag my biological contributer back or summon a driver, but it seems i can summon my sempai, being i was just thinking about him and it appears he visited meh site.

see i was watching reruns of "Strictly Sex with Dr. Drew" and a sex researcher on there said the prostate is the male Grafenberg spot so i was wondering to my sef if i should try "accidentally falling" on some upright, cylindrical object, the next thought that came to mind was "i really wish Sempai was around, he could tell me if getting reamed up the ass by the Proctologist feels like its going to make him blow his wad." alas if only he were a day later, though if he reads this i'm sure it will be the start of a long, wonderful conversation. in fact i extend this to any guy who has had his rectum penetrated by any foreign body, does your prostrate feel good if you poke it?

well on from rectal inquiries to more touching matters, well awkward and touching at the same time. to begin this matter i think i must post up the comment that inspires it.

[sasuke fan4 life: "yeah ur right it isnt fun being on the other side of it, not that i have ever been there with u... that i know of...i think i am just gonna shut up now and keep reading"

have a nice day *hugs*

~akira~]

now it might just be my romantic imagination but that sounds a bit like the cliche accidental admission of feeling used on most TV programs, which leads me to a very troublesome route, for reading that i realized that Sasuke fan 4 Life is probably my best friend on here, and its kinda unfortunate if i caused such a reaction. though again it is major ego chow and it does make me gloat a bit, and it could be that i'm reading too much into this and thus making a fool of myself, but if things are as i imagine i'm truly sorry. ...i'm also quite flattered, but more sorry.

in a completely inappropriate segue i went and saw "i am Legend" today. it was quite good, Bev said it'd make me cry and it damn well brought a few tears from my eyes. for once i won't spoil stuffs, i'll just say that there were two parts that if you know the two most important lifeforms in my life you'd know made me really sad. but the one part i found very funny, at one point Will Smith falls and impales his leg on something, he then goes bat-shit after some stuffs that made me REALLY sad happens, and eventually is almost killed until he's rescued by this Brazilian[?] chic who says that God led her to him. he, after admitting he's lost his ability to deal with people nicely proceeds to limp around and talk about how there is no God and believing in one causes the worst things in time to happen, then takes a fist full of Vicodin and cure a mystery disease... i'm just kidding about that last part but damned if i didn't think that i was watching a Blacksploitation version of "House" on BET, "the role of Cameron, Foreman and Chase will be played by this young Brazilian woman. WITH WILL SMITH AS GREGORY HOUSE!!!!!" i couldn't help but crack up a bit watching those parts, i guess my sense of humor is a bit, off? but alas i can't help it, i be weird [arrrrrrrrrgh.]

you know in real life i really will say "arrrrgh" under my breath after uttering an "i be" sentence? you guys really should be pitying Bev, she'll have to put up with that for 80 more years.

still trying to cure myself of pessimism through Kotodama, "Her Majesty's Pet" and "xxxHolic" have made me believe if i say something convincingly enough i'll believe it and change my fate, now if only that John Edwards x Hilary Clinton 2Girls1cup thing would work out... [i WILL reference MY past jokes in parody damnit! so get used to it.]

-quote-

"KUSO!!!!!!!!!!"

i will yell that at moments of badness and i blame the few subs i've seen for that, CURSE YOU SUBTITLED ANIME!!!!!!!

♥ JD Person ♥
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Friday, January 4, 2008

Real Folk Blues
well another day wasted on this never ending experiment of how little can one person do in a lifetime. don't get me wrong, i don't say that in a "i hate me!" way, more of how no matter how wacky your family is you still love them, i may do some really stupid shit but in the end i'm a good person and i like me.

well i have good news in that it seems that RvB's where "fuck" was beeped were the anomaly and not the normal situation, i have no idea who would allow for all the other profane language and just beep "fuck" but whatever, to each their own. in any case i'm really catching up, which is sad because it will soon be over then, but at the same time i'll have one less distraction and i'll be able to HOPEFULLY get everything back to normal once i've returned to school. i'm really hoping that by then i'll know if i'll be getting my old hard-drive back or if i should re-write the missing parts of my chapters [ignore the fact i could be caught back up by now if i'd written it instead of being a complete jerk-off] at this point re-writing it would be just fine, if i could just know i have to that stupid ass-munch is playing mind-games and won't say if he has it or not, curse that cock-head! my mother says that my brother and father are manipulative and cruel, yet she puts up with his shit, love can be a terrible thing it seems. i guess i can see why most people are annoyed by my "i'd kill you if it helped her" attitude because they've been on the receiving end of it, and i must admit that is not fun.

i have been lamenting the lost time for a while now, that my vacation is about up, but i guess i should just be happy for what i've had, i've spent 12 days now doing absolutely nothing with no responsibility what-so-ever, really to ask for more time than i'm alloted would be kinda dick-ish, if all the world were nothing but laziness and entitlement then i'd have no recognition of the fun of laying back and just letting all come to me, you need pain to know pleasure as they say.

time sure is a weird thing, pretty cruel actually, when you want it to last it flees and when you want it gone it clings, i say this because i got in the mail Gundam SEED Destiny: DVD 12, which for those uninformed with the universe of said series us the final DVD, and as far as i know the final work set in the Cosmic Era universe, which to me is really depressing, being as i've found SEED and its sequel to be the best Gundam i've ever seen and definitely in my top 3 anime of all time, so to know it'll soon be gone is quite sad.

but at least it came with an awesome box [speak of the devil, Bokutachi no Yukue] that is kinda big and doesn't fit anywhere. see i've got all my DVD cases and box sets set up like a little mountain range that i set all of my ZAFT Suits on. mainly there is a spot where i have all the Destiny Digital Variable Discs stacked on which BuCUE and LeGOWE sit, and behind them on [the only] Yu Yu Hakusho VHS [that i own] stands Buster. well if i set the box up there it blocks out Buster and the ol' quadrupeds can't sit there, plus its too wide to sit there as well. see i was thinking "last DVD, comes with a box for the rest...] nope comes with a box for that one, plus a hidden compartment for a bunch of laminated art. i like the box though, it makes me feel like Kira [Brad Swaile not Matt Hill] its got hidden compartments, you can only get the DVD out by sticking your finger through a hole on the underside and it open both ways at once, so if you try pushing either way along it doesn't work, i just hope it doesn't come with a gasoline bomb, you know, in case someone else tries to open it, i don't want my house burning down...

whilst i was out at Best Buy today i talked a guy into buying the "Innocent Venus" box set, well actually i talked his girlfriend into it, he faithfully bowed to her will like i would have in his case. see he asked me what he should get being as i was looking at it with the wonder usually reserved for Hideki in a room full of porn or Mirielle in a room full of "rare items" so he asked me what to get and i had to think quick, good series' from G-Z [thats the side we were on] so i told him "Innocent Venus" and "This Ugly Yet Beautiful World" both of which i've seen the beginnings of and liked, so much so i was pissed when ADV stopped showing them on anime network. personally i think he took Innocent Venus because GAINAX is known for its fan service and who wants to buy soft-core smut in front of their lover? the funny thing is that the girl seemed to like my antidotes and David Tennant-esque exaggerated thinking sounds and mannerisms, i guess even being a spaz can make you a lady killer...

wait, i already knew that, cool!

-Quote-

"things can't get better or worse, so just quit your bitching Nancy!"

-Church

what can i say, it mirrors my own sentiments too much NOT to use it,

♥ JD Person ♥
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Thursday, January 3, 2008

Key of the twilight
i'd like to point somethings out right off the bat being as i always like to be as forthcoming as possible and dislike being misunderstood quite a bit.

all you guys on here know me better than most people in the world, you guys read the direct expression of my feelings, there are very few that know me better than you guys, being as you essentially read my journal, this is my mind unfiltered because i have the anonymity of the computer on my side. see its not that these are things i don't want others to hear its merely that its easier to type something than it is to say it, thats probably why i always write my problems down and mail them to Bev, because its hard for me to say them out loud.

but its a mistake to believe just because you can't see my face or touch me means you know me any less, i'm always pretty forward and i'm brutally honest, you guys get the version that doesn't even go through whatever filter i do have, so in a way this blog is the best way to know me the deepest.

secondly i was looking for the longer version of "Simple and Clean" not "Sanctuary" as far as my listening i've never heard any of the sanctuary remixes. i'm looking for the longer version of the simple and Clean remix like is found here though i could do without the heart beating its fine, i really dislike the one with the drum solo, really all i want is the whole song: second verse BABB chorus at the end [A="When you walk away..." B="Hold Me..."] the whole thing you'd find in the normal version, so far all i can find is the abbreviated version which i guess i'm fine with but the longer the better in my opinion, so if you guys can find me a full length version that'd be nice.

but on to today's events, pretty much just another average day in the life of a teenage spaz like myself. started off the day searching for manga in the public library, i'm afraid that soon i'll be caught up with the libraries collection on Tsubasa, xxxHolic and Chibi-Vampire soon, which will be uber-lame. oh yeah, Kill me, Kiss me and Her Majesty's Dog as well, all of which are great series and i don't want to stop reading them, but at the same time i don't want to BUY all of them, being as i'm saving up to get Bev here for prom and/or fly out there to see her so i've got to cut down on my expenditures.

i'm sure this is the point that most of you say "get a job." but see i'm terribly lazy and i don't really want to get one, i'm already never able to do all i want to, let alone if i had a job. and soon i'll have to go to college, so that will suck, i suppose i'll HAVE to get one then, hopefully i'll still have free time at that point. i know its immature of me to act this way but i'm just being myself and really at this point i think i need all the free time i can get to just keep myself level.

but whilst i was at said library i was waiting to go to outback so i played "viva Caligula" on [as]'s website, i must admit that game is pretty fun, if not a little cheap and frustrating at times as well.

after returning from my journey to outback [best soundtrack ever in there, Matchbox 20 and Maroon 5!] i walked my weeny dog. whilst i was exercising said canine i saw or rather heard a car come to a screeching halt behind me, i turned and saw a blue mercury sedan behind me, the kind my brother drives, but the windows were up and i could not see the driver, and being as it was after dark and my doggy was a liability if it did turn out to be a rapist/other bad-type person i walked about 10 steps forward pulled down my hood and took out my ear-buds, at which point the driver pulled forward again and rolled down his window and exclaimed whilst holding out a venti vanilla late "are you blind?!" so i took my brother's offered coffee.

seems he saw my walking Penel' whilst he was COMING BACK from Starbuck's and decided to whip around and get me one, talk about a great guy! i was astounded as he drove off, i just thought to myself "that's my brother..." and i realized maybe i'm just destined to have a really coll brother instead of a bunch of cool friends, my bro is awesome and really as far as friends him, my weeny dog, his doggy Shadow the people at my school and you Peoplezez on here are really sufficient for my merriment, the acquisition of more can take as long as needed, hopefully Bev agrees with me. i think she has my best intentions in mind, its just that i'm paranoid every slight disagreement will end everything [perfection makes you fear reality] being as i'm not yet used to problems. but my heart knows that she won't do that, now to just get my fucking brain parts to shut up!

by the way, does anyone know where i can find episodes of Red vs Blue where "fuck" isn't bleeped? it seems that after a while all i can find is edited versions on the interwebs after about episode 25 or so, any explainations?

-quote-

"Not believing is letting each other down, thats just how it is."

-Lacus Clyne.

i've really used that one a lot recently, it reminds me that my paranoia isn't okay, its the real threat to a healthy relationship and that i have to trust Bev completely again if i'm to claim that i'm a worthy lover for her.

♥ JD Person ♥
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Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Tobira no Mokou
yeah, i admit i am pretty bitchy. my whole long rant about how the finality of existence and how my new years transition was uneventful was pretty much just me begging for pity and being a whiny little shit.

i'm glad a lot of you guys could feel my pain though, on second thought its possible i should feel really bad that so many of you guys DID see where i was coming from, that's not really good at all if you think about it. i feel a lot better now, its just on the actual day i feel kinda shitty because i'm forced to kinda sit back and watch as the rest of the world celebrates. i was looking forward to another new years of playing Gears with my brother online but being as he was probably off comforting his beloved and her family over the loss of her father i can't really blame him.

i suppose its up to an individual to be happy, its sort of a cop-out to say "the world hates me" or a similar sentiment. fate does determine everything but i believe that are personal choices are what creates that path so really saying that i'm fated to be miserable is to say that my actions will always bring me to misery and i just don't believe thats true. all of life is a series of challenges and fate is the action that the personality you were given drives you to make, if its my fate to be miserable that's my fault.

so in retrospect it was my reliance on my kin that led to my unhappiness, i'm just as bad as my mother, i expect my brother to drop everything and cheer me up, though i never did blame him for going to see her, God knows i wouldn't think twice about throwing him under the bus for Bev's benefit so with all the rationality granted to a functioning human being i can't complain him for choosing her over me. hell if he didn't i'd be highly disturbed.

Bev keeps saying i need friends, she's a lot happier now that she has an entourage so by human nature she believes i'd be happier if i had a bunch of friends, but truth be told i doubt that'd help. i'm just not good with friends, i'm selfish and inconsiderate by nature, only help people if its for my benefit, in Bev's case i'm in love with her so her happiness makes me happy but for the most part thats the only instance of that happening, over the last few years i've started to become more empathetic but really thats a new skill for me, i'd really have to level it up for it to affect me in any way normally. i don't know, its so easy for me to sacrifice for Bev and so impossible for me to do it with anyone else.

plus i've never really met anyone i'd really want to be friends with it think, maybe Dafina and a few other people over the years, but right now in my circle of friends i just can't see spending much more time with any of them, i like them all fine, its just weird to me. i try to say that its because i've met no one like me but Josh and Chris are a lot like me and i look down on them, maybe because they look like stereotypical "nerds" and i look like a stereotypical gay/bi person and their utter lack of anal-compulsive primping annoys me. or it could be that Josh is a disgusting pervert who's obsession with sex is only matched by his fear and inability around women or that Chris has bigger breasts than Bev, is trying to get fatter, dominates conversation, tells week-long stories about his anime-based dreams and has no interest in romance at all. i really don't know why i feel they way i do but i don't think making friends is a solution for me.

see my brother is awesome because he's pretty much me, though slightly more retro, but i can deal with that, show me another person like me, my brother or Bev and i'll have another friend, but being as i've not met such a person i'm secure in my seclusion. i'll go out and party with Bev, because she's my ice-breaker, i can associate with people she likes, but i'm not much on getting my own crew.

and believe me, if i could have spent new years in vegas with Bev i would have in a second, sometimes that distance really can suck.

but alas i'm still alive and i don't care if the cake is a lie because i don't like sweets.

i'm just going to keep going on my merry way and hope that Bev can understand i'm happy this way, hell as long as she stays with me she can prod me all she wants, i think its cute and sweet!

-Quote-

Doc: I'm a pacifist...

Donut: You're what babies suck on?

Tucker: No, thats a Pedophile!

Church: I think you meant to say "Pacifier."

Tucker: Yeah... i was thinking of a whole other thing there.

my speakers work again so that means catching up with and finishing Red vs Blue.

Sanctuary is playing on my Zune so i'm ducking out now, peace!

♥ JD Person ♥
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Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Berima!
well another year gone and not much gained on my part, though i suppose if i really think about it i did do a lot this year, maybe its just that i feel no vast, obvious differences. i did spent that wonderful week in Vegas and Bev did make me a man but i suppose that i'm still a pessimist at heart and every once in a while it just gets the better/worse of me. it could just be that my brother was off keeping his lover company during the first new year without her father so the fact that i rang in the new year with my father alone probably added a bit to to the unpleasant vibe i had as i realized it was just two minutes left in 07.

or it could be that for a few years now finality has really been painful to me, to realize that everything only exists for so long then it just ends, that each date only exist for a day and then its gone forever, never to exist again, that after 365 days that years change and never go back, to realize that so much is finite is really depressing, or at least is for me. plus there is the fact that i graduate this year, its that date "08" that i've know would lead to my being pushed into the real world since 1st grade, but its always been this far off thing, far in the future i'll be gone, but the time is now and once more that hit me like a ton of the bricks to the soul, i suppose i just find the world so painful, i suppose i'm just the type that prefer that long lifetime of dying slowly.

maybe thats why i run away to fantasy so much, because i'm really unhappy with reality, the only part of which i truly enjoy is Beverly, so maybe its true that i try to escape it and thats why i spend all my time watching anime and playing video games. its probably why i look up to characters like Kira, he's everything i'm not, he faces reality, he's driven and he actually does things, not only does he face the world but he changes it. maybe if i had the abilities he does i'd be like that too, it could just be because i see myself as a failure that i myself make that true. i think so deeply about this but all that seems to do is make me more confused, hopefully i'll figure everything out and become something some day, or at least find a nice little niche that i can spend a lifetime of dying slowly in.

but in the meantime i'll still live my life, my boring little slow dying life, playing my video-games and probably living vicariously through them. i finally just beat that level i was training to beat, apparently my methods weren't "good" or "bad" just "normal" which i suppose is good, i still think that if those soldiers were willing to kill Croix's fiance the deserve to die, sometimes even us squishy mortal beings deserve death and i think that situation was a great example of when people really need to just die. of course i was right that Croix was the dark prince and apparently Noir was just waiting for him to become his evil self, though i still think that taking him in the woods would have done just as well but hell, what do i know? either way now Croix is off randomly killing all humans he sees, Alouette is taking her last breaths and Prier is mourning the fact that she'll have to off Croix, and this is the point where i can convert some Succubi and all the people with immense spiritual power are all gone so all i have is Culotte and Éclair to try and convert some seductresses with which i'm guessing will really suck [pun not intended] so hopefully in training these two useless slackers they'll develop some ability to purify or else my chances will be ruined to gain me some demoness sex-appeal power.

new years in all its depressingly un-eventful glory went on longer than expected so i'm guessing getting around to you guys will take even longer, sorry for the even greater wait.

-quote-

Dark Eclair: Culotte... Eclair, you two can't do anything without your big sister Prier!

its like the programmers knew ahead of time both of them were absolutely useless.

♥ JD Person ♥
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