Sunday, May 20, 2007

my brain stalled.
its probably because my head is messed up from not sleeping all throughout the week, and so i keep passing out now, and being as that little bit of narcholpesy probably ruined my inhabitions a bit more than my usual amount right now i feel like posting up that hideous picture of myself so here it is:

but hey, Bev thinks i look cute in it, so if its good enough for my lover i guess its gtood enough to show off to the lot of you. i really need to get me a camera to get some better pics of myself, i sort of feel like showing this off undermines my constant ranting about my cuteness, but oh well, like i said: i'm mentally unbalanced right now.

i really need to cut my hair, i've realized that if my hair looks bad i look bad, in all my previous school pictures my hair is long and unkept because i fear it looking funny if i cut it, and i always look at my hair and say "its good enough" and thus put off having it cut. i think its just because i really don't like the idea of getting it cut, because i have my dad do it, this being spawned by the fact that that i still fear coming out of the preverbial closet over my vanity and wanting to go to a salon or something, my dad does a good job of it, but i think it would be better if i got professional help, i just don't feel ready to unlock my potential yet. i think it might be that i always used to go to bo rics and they'd slaughter my hair, i know that they are in no way a salon, but the fact they are "professionals" and my father does so much better than them discourages me from going to get professional work. plus i just feel akward about it, i don't know why, i just just feel wierd of going to a salon with either of my parents or alone, i have no idea why. thats the problem with me, i have really strong things about random things that keep me from being as good as i could be, and that irks me, but not enough to actually do something about it, so i end up in this hellish middle griping about it on end for years.

but i suppose i wouldn't be me if i actually were able to do everything i wanted to, i'm the type the person full of unfufilled ambition, or the type that puts things off and says "if only this was there, then i'd do it." i say that i'll do it when Bev is with me, i guess because i can be more open with her, and she understands my vanity better, so i'm not so embarassed to show her my femininity. and the even better part is that i get touch with my feminine side in all the uinusaul places, yet i shy away from the more main-stream girly things. i bet that if i had a profession hair cut i might have more fangirls, thats just the types of thoughts i have, or that i'd think i was prettier, but i still am too afraid to do it, i really don't know why i feel the way i do about things, i don't understand myself and the things i fear, or feel uncomfortable doing, for my 18th birthday i want to get my navel pierced, thats the main reason i want to get a driver's lisence, so i can drive myself there, i wanna get a lower-back tat as well, but i want to plan that out better, being as its permanent unless i want a spot of skin that will never tan again, not that i'm really inclined to bronzing, but at least i do gain some color, and i don't burn anymore.

so yeah, here i am having a personal crisis over getting a haircut, where no matter what i do i will feel as if i lost, i guess maybe my dad was right when i was a kid, he usedf to joke that i like being miserable, if i had everything i cpould ever wish for i'd look as hard as i could just to find something to complain about. i'd like to think of it as ambition, or that i'm very deep, but i think its more that i'm an emotional masochist and that i probably have other deep-seated issues.

but alas, tis my life. tomorrow i'll haqve my dad hack my hair off and then in a few monthes i'll be right back to this little ritual of self-doubt and confusion. maybe everything will be fixed when Bev gets here, or it could be that i'll just new things to gripe about, because i just won't allow myself to be happy.

-Quote-

"if something were truly bad then you'd do something about it, so either act and try to improve things or shut the hell up."

-Me talking about emos.

visit my future enabler.


HAIL ZEON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Saturday, May 19, 2007

feeling groggy. [better title pending]
this:

is the face of evil. [or you you could go with Sylar, but personally i think she is way better looking, plus she didn't kill Sprague!] she kept me up every day this week, and thusly i fell asleep after i hung up the phone with her tonight, which i admit is really adorable, that i basically passed out as soon as she did, and if you think about it in relation to if we were living together it gets even cuter, her going to sleep and me planning to stay up and do stuff, but instead i just pass out with her, the only difference os that Bev tends to glomp things in her sleep, so in that case when i woke up tonight i'd have found myself squeezed up against her and unable to move, thus adding to the pure adorableness of night in my imagination.

but moving on from Bev, to well, more Bev, i was very glad to say i had abundance of older commentators on my last post, it was like i was getting a concultation from the village elders, Sempai, Yensid, My favorite drunken Sage Lytjuh [Bokutachi no Yukue switches on, i do my best to sing the lyrics in japanese while doing my best K-Fed popo zao impression] were all there to throw in their aged wisdom, i must say i did a get a little bit of a more intellectual and tactful version of a WTF from them a bit on my openess i'm glad to see they people who i know are far wiser than i think that i'm not insane for loving a person far away, just for being so open about the details. i'd like to say i'm happy to have such great friends on MyO, as well as to have the guidance of old people as well.

and then there are just the examples of people i most certainly not, now i really try not to talk about school because you don't know who the fuck these people are, but there are exceptions this is one of them. today as i'm walking to class i see Jackie [town whore] pull this guy in and then attempt to fit his whole head in her mouth [wouldn't be the first time] and he returns the favor, and this PDA is so horrifying that everyone one who sees it yells at her to stop, so she comes to class and says "why does no guy know how to kiss, he like had is moth all over my face." i was at that moment i noticed Jackie was wearing a Cherry wristband, Jackie, "all you did was have sex with another guy, that no big deal, you don't have to tell your boyfriend that, and if he breaks up with you over somewthing that small thenm he's going to over-react about everything." Jacke is claiming to be a virgin. so basically Jackie started ranting about no guy knowing how to kiss, and the the completly brainless total bitch in the class Lindsey [think a brunette Paris Hilton, that sums her up pretty well] agrees with her, so the two of them start tearing into men, so me and my guy friends rebuke them, me stating "it appeared you were the one slobbering all over that random guy's face Jackie, and why is it i see you rom,antically involved with a different guy each day?" she basically said that because no girl wanted to kiss me, which i felt i couldn't rebut because the only one i can state who i know wants to lives 1100 milers away and my lips are still those of one not kissed, so i thought that was artgument over until i hear "no way, JD probably has had plenty of girlfriends." and a few other girls saying that they figure that there is no way it could be true that i'm chronically single. so basically Jackie crawled back ionto her circle of ho-bags and dissed men for the rest of the hour, though i fun one was "maybe i should kiss him a few more times, just to make sure he's really a bad kisser." i must say i'll miss that frequent valtrex user and her continual sprewing of the most hilarious self-incriminating sentances i ever heard.

well basically i've discovered that most people think i'm insane about everything, but that doesn't mind, because i have good friends who believe in me, a girlfriend who loves me, a sizable margin of girls who believe i'm ther most romantic person ever and envy the hell out of Bev, and even those who doubt me think that i'm a ladies man.

but basically i don't care what anyone says, because its Bev that i care about and she'll always love and support me, and if it has to me and her against the world, okay because i know together we'd win.

-Quote-

that line i just spouted off, it was poetic enough for tonight.

my beloved far-away beaner. [aka the non-Sylar face of evil]


HAIL ZEON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s. if you wanyt to see a bad picture of me i'll pm it to you, it's old and it looks like shit but bev says i look good in it, so if it;s good enough for her its good enough for me.


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Friday, May 18, 2007

Absolute Power ch.4
Absolute power Mission: 4 The action begins! ~~~~ WARNING this chapter contains multiple miss-uses of the word “queer” for comic effect; if this offends you do not read this! ~~~~~ Kit: Approaching Neo-Scottish airspace! The air around their ship glows red. (Alarm sounds) Kit: (reading the displays) What the hell! Multiple beams shoot towards their ship. Kit slams the controls to the side and narrowly dodges the beams. They land and immediately notice the burning wreck near them. Sitting a few yards from the ship is Aveian enjoying a smoke. Kit and Allenby hurry out of the ship up to him. Allenby: What happened? Aveian: (blows out smoke) My ship was shot down when I entered the atmosphere. Kit: Are the Gundams alright? Aveian: Yeah, but the ship is destroyed, so I’m stuck here. Allenby: Don’t worry, you can come with us! Kit and Aveian look shocked then it sinks in. Aveian: (exhales) Fine, it’s my only option at this point. Kit: Sure, make it sound like it’s a last resort. (Winks and sticks out his tongue) Aveian: Yeah, I’ve hit rock bottom at this point. Kit: So now that we’re at the lowest point ever in our lives what should we do? Allenby: Wanna get hammered and act like idiots? Kit: Yeah sounds like a plan. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Kit and company walk into a pub. Inside is a bartender who looks like Mick Foley in a kilt and white undershirt. Kit: Sake and vodka my good man! Allenby: (pointing to Kit with her thumb) I’ll have what he’s having! Aveian: (head down, hands in pockets) Whisky, straight. Bartender: (Fat Bastard) Only queers drink that! Are ye queers? Allenby: Ye? Kit: No. Bartender: Ye must be if ye are drinkin’ that! Kit: Then what do, non-queers drink? Bartender: The house brew! Kit and the others look at it, and their faces turn in disgust. Kit: What the hell is that? Aveian: That looks like somethin’ I shit after I ate too much Mexican food and drank a couple pints of tequila. Bartender: What you queers can’t handle it?! Kit: I’m really sick of you callin’ me that. Bartender: What? Queer? What’s wrong queer, ye don’t like bein’ called a queer? Kit: That’s it! Kit, transformed, grips the bartender’s neck staring him dead in the eyes. Bartender: Nice nails queer! Why don’t ye paint ‘em pink and go buy some new shoes? And what ye lookin’ at, you gonna kiss me queer? Kit plops down in a seat, back to normal. Kit: (sighs) Will you just give us what we asked for? Bartender: Fine queer! He prepares their beverages, and then hands them to them quite forcefully. Bartender: Here, there’s ye queer drinks! Kit: I thought you didn’t like my “Kit special”. Allenby: I figured I should give it another try. Kit: You don’t have to do it for me? I don’t think you’re weak for not liking it; I just lived for 7 years as a hobo, so I have weird tastes. Allenby: 7 years as a hobo? Aveian: Disregard the last statement. (Takes a sip of his whiskey) Bartender: How are ye queers enjoying your queer drinks? Kit: What’s up with you and queers? Allenby: Seriously it’s like the every third word you use! Aveian: I’ve seen second graders with a wider vocabulary. Bartenders: Fine ye queers, take ye queer drinks and GET OUT!!!!! Kit: Gladly! Bartender: And those are going on your tabs, I’m putting it under “Q”… Hey, ye owe me 13,000 dollars!!!! Kit and the others walk out leaving the Bartender raving madly. Kit: What the hell is he talkin’ about callin’ me a queer? He’s the one wearing a dress! Allenby: I don’t know, I’ve known you for 3 months now and you still haven’t made any serious attempt at me. Kit: You sayin’ I ain’t straight? Allenby: Why don’t you prove to me what you are?! Kit: Don’t tempt me, ‘cause I’ll do it! Allenby: Bring it on! Sammy told me what you got and I ain’t afraid. Aveian: Children, behave. Both Kit and Allenby flip him off and stick their tongues out. Aveian: (thinking) God, why the hell did I decide to go along with these two?! ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Foxxy: (as cute as possible) So Sylven, whatcha wanna do today? Sylven: I don’t know, I really have never “played” before in my life. Foxxy: Well then (impish look) we’ll just have to change that! Sylven: (thinking) Damn you Kit, I have no idea why I’m doing this for you. She’s too damn cute, how am I supposed to deal with that!? Foxxy: Come on Sylven, this is gonna be fun. Sylven: (quietly) God save my soul. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Domon and The Man sit alone in the dark room. The Man: So Domon, how is your mission coming along? Domon: I still have failed to find Kit Sune, me and my men will continue to search for him. The Man: Very well, don’t fail me Domon. The Vid-screen turns off; the black haired girl is standing behind him. The Man: So, my little spy girl, any news? Black haired girl: Nothing to report about the enemy sir. The Man: So this visit was purely pleasure then. Black haired girl: (thinking) In your dreams! (Out loud) No sir, but I did manage to find the location of those two mercenaries you requested me to find. The Man: Excellent work my little spy, I’ll have to reward you later, meet me in my private room, alone. Black haired girl: Not necessary sir, I’m only doing my job. She walks out. The Man: Little tease. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Kit: (stomach growls) Man I’m hungry! Allenby: Me too. Aveian: I haven’t eaten in 18 hours. They wander, and then Kit sees something in the distance, his eyes light up. Kit: FOOD!!!!!!!! The 3 of them take off running towards the restaurant. They bust in. Kit: What do you guys serve? Waiter: Haggis! The three of them walk out heads down. Kit: I’m not hungry. Allenby: Neither am I. Aveian: I can wait. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Kit What is this? A sign reads “strong man contest, no queers!!” Aveian: You plannin’ to enter? Kit: We’re all entering. Aveian: Fine, I may as well agree now, since I know you’ll end up making me go anyway. Kit: That’s the way!! ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Contest Judge: Sorry no broads! Allenby: WHAT! Contest Judge: Like I said no broads! And no queers either! Kit: You callin’ me a queer!? Contest Judge: Yeah, ye wanna fight about it?!! The judge throw a punch, Kit catches it then twists his fist around and shreds the ligaments in the guy’s arm. He screams in pain and falls over. Kit: I guess that qualifies us. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Domon: Where the hell is he? The master is gonna kill me if I don’t find him! (Flips Vid-screen on) Cape any sightings? Cape pilot: No Domon, I’ve yet to find those knaves! Domon: Screw? Screw Pilot: Me no find Gundam enemies! Domon: WELL FIND THEM!!!! (Slams hands down turning the screen off) Morons. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Announcer: First up Kit Sune versus Shamus McCringles. Are ye ready Shamus? Shamus: Aye! Announcer: Little Fox-Queer? Kit: Bring it on asshole! Announcer: Fight!!! Shamus comes running at Kit and throws a right hook, Kit ducks under and nails him with a left jab to the stomach. Kit then lowers his fist and steps back, Shamus falls. Announcer: Winner, Kit?! Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Queer! Kit sticks his tongue out and mocks them. Kit: SUCK IT!!! (Does the old DX suck it gesture) Aveian: Kit do you have to show-boat? Kit: Of course! Man these guys deserve everything I give them! Aveian gets up. Aveian: I’m up next I’ll try to give them a good show, (looks over his shoulder at Kit and smiles a little) sure hope I don’t lose. Aveian steps up as does his opponent. Announcer: Next Denis O’Reily vs. Aveian Wind!!!!! You ready Denis? Denis: Bring the little shit on! Announcer: Are you ready bigger queer?! Aveian fires off his pistol, the announcer falls over. Aveian: What? I used non-lethal ordinance. Denis: I don’t care how big your gun is, YOU’RE GOING DOWN QUEER!!!! Denis throws a huge punch at Aveian, Aveian lights up a cigarette then holds up his middle and pointer finger on his right hand and stops Denis’s fist, then brings his fingers up then brings them down jamming them down on Denis’s wrist. Denis immediately grabs his wrist and topples over shrieking in pain and falls on the floor. Aveian: Weakling. (Walks away with his hands in his pockets) Kit: Nice one dude. Aveian: He was pathetic Foxxy could have beaten him with one hand. Kit: I wonder what Foxxy is up to… ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Foxxy: So Sylven, are you having fun? Sylven: I must admit; it’s interesting. Sylven is spinning his whip around on the floor; Foxxy is playing skip-it with it. Foxxy: This would be Skip-it, TO THE X-TREME!!!!!!!!!!!! Foxxy skips, but when she lands her foot slips. Sylven: (thinking) NO!!!!! Sylven pulls his whip up quickly, he holds his hand out the whip cuts it and nicks his cheek and slashing his shoulder. Blood drips down and he grips his shoulder. Foxxy: Sylven!! She runs over to inspect his wound. Foxxy: Are you all right? Sylven: I’m fine; you have no reason to be concerned. Foxxy: I’ll help you dress it. (She grabs his hand softly) Sylven: (pulls his hand away) Not necessary. Sylven walks away. Foxxy: Hard-ass! ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Kit: …Probably havin’ fun. Scotsman: ‘Ey you, queer, how about ye take me on?! Kit: (Slides into stance) Bring it on. Scotsman: Oh no, we’re not fighting clean, we’re usin’ weapons… and here’s mine!!! (Throws arm into the air) Rise Kilt Gundam!!!!! A kilt clad Gundam armed with a sheathed Long-sword on the hip and a bag-pipe rises up, the pilot jumps in. Pilot: Try and beat me now queer!!!!! Kit: Fine. But I won’t have to try very hard!!!!!! RISE KIT CUSTOM!!!!!! Kit’s Gundam rises up and Kit jumps in. Aveian: Damn that’s the idiot that destroyed my transport. Kit: Yeah, he got my ship too! Good, I’ll beat his ass for both of us!!! Scottish pilot: TAKE THIS YE QUEER!!! Kilt Gundam fires multiple beams out of the bag-pipe at Kit. Kit: So that’s how you did it! Well, let me show you I do things!!!! Kit raises his Suit’s Beam Rifle and fires three shots through Kilt Gundam’s bag-pipes while dodging the in-coming beams. Scottish pilot: Pretty good (throws down the pipes, they explode) …FOR A QUEER!!!!! The pilot draws Kilt Gundam’s Long Sword and rushes Kit’s Gundam. Kit: (throws down his Rifle) Too bad for you, BUT NOW IT’S OVER!! Kit slides his hands into the outlets, the trace material creeps up his arms and onto his face. Kit draws his Beam Sword and runs towards Kilt Gundam. Their swords meet, Kit forces his forward and the tip of the Scotsman’s sword breaks off, Kit’s cuts across Kilt Gundam’s chest then he drives the shield into the kilt clad Gundam’s side. Kit jumps back, leaving his shield in the enemy Suit’s side, the pilot jumps out as his suit collapses. Kit: Phew, that was a workout! Kit exits his Suit and rides the cable down to the ground, where he is met by Allenby, Aveian, and the Scotsman. Kit: (annoyed) Haven’t you had enough yet?! Scotsman: Aye, I came to congratulate ye! Put ‘er their (holds out his hand) I realize ye are a real man!! The two shake hands in a show of mutual respect. Scotsman: Well, I gotta go, have to fix all the damage ye did to my Suit. Kit: Hey, what’s your name?! Scotsman: Shamus O’Malley! Kit: Kit Sune. I’ll see ya’ again Shamus! Shamus: Aye lad! I believe ye will! Shamus walks off bow-legged in his man skirt. Kit: So what’s next, Commander? Aveian: We fix your Gundam. Kit: Huh? Aveian: You maxed out the servos in both arms (Kit laughs nervously) destroyed a shield, (Kit laughs again) used up a load of propellant, {Kit laughs again), and fired off the Beam Rifle and used the Beam Saber. Kit: Oh yeah. Aveian: Always have to show off. (Under breath) Like a damn child. (out loud) But, we needed a new ship anyway, so I guess all this means is that the supply list will be longer. Kit: A new transport? Aveian: If I’m going to load my Mobile armor onto your ship it’s going to have to be larger. (Little smile) Kit: You mean… Aveian: I’m joining your little party. (Ending music) Kit, Aveian and Allenby are in the control room of their new ship. Allenby: Launching!! The ship takes off and flies off to adventure. Ja Ne (Outlaw Star next episode music) Foxxy: See, that was terrible, just offensive and wrong! Oh well, there’s still way more ahead, like Black Vulpine getting pushy, and meeting a guy from my brother’s past! Oooh, who’s that guy!? Next episode: Enter Sarin! So you better get ready!
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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

killing time.
yep, my days are basically becoming just an obstacle between me and seeing my lover, its not as if i really dislike these days, i don't feel as filled with strife and desperation as i have in the near past, now i just see these approaching days as sorta unchanging and just dull, its sort of a fun dull in a way, it sorta feels like i've retired or something, its probably because i haven't had any real work in a while, school has just been lazy and uneventful. recently i talked with more people and i'm probably becoming more well known and prolific, which os good because i don't particular enjoy being alone or not talking to people, its just i'm not good at engaging people, in starting conversations, once someone starts one with me i'm perfectly fine with yipping on forever, but its still the vstarting things that i'm bad at, i've interjected into conversations as of late, and i think its because of my increased confidence no one gives me that "A-B conversation, C yourself out of it." bullshit, i guess its a vicious circle, the weakest people are the ones most attacked.

i've basically started to try to bond with the vapid girls in my 5th hour, though they are a bit ditzy and maybe too much of the stereotypical "iu wanna be popular" preppy types, but they're nice people it seems and genuinly interested in my life it seems, plus they don't hesitate to tell me if i'm acting insociable or assholish, which is what i need, for people to just tell me if i'm acting a bit too emotional or defensive. there are a lot of other people italk to that just sort of sound dejected or disinterested if i say things they don't believe in, or they dislike, so i like the more honest way they act better. whenever we have free time in my 6th hour people always want to pull me aside and talk to me about Bev, but i can tell it is far less genuine, its more like they are entertained by my relationship than to actually find it cute or even acceptable, they all question me, and tell me its doomed, they all think she is lyingg to me, and a bunch of them basically called her a whore, they said she looks like a slut and that she probably is one because she is lustful towards me, one guy kept asking if she was a virgin, and if i was gonna hit it and split, as well as saying that the physical aspect of relationships is most important, orr that i can't be in love with her because i never met her in person, also that i'm too pale [that was just random]. most of the girls thought it was cute, well at least one, another, part of the school uber-christian group [and the only other admitted virgin in the group] basically went with the "she's lying, physical, physical, physical." mantra. which i find comical, faith in the bible, but none in humanity, i love the irony in that, because there is no more proof in the bible than that Bev is telling the truth to me, and i believe in both, just so you know, i just find it funny, the lack of faith in some "christians." the last girl i can't tell if she is really interested, being facetious, or a little of both, but those others obviously think i'm naive and that i'm secretly dating a 50 year old male paris hilton.

but fuck them, butt-fuck them, because i really have no need to hear from a bunch of pecismistic non-believing bitter useless degrading pieces of shit. some faithless empty-hearted self-proclaimed christian, a sad classic example of the class clown in need of classic attention, though he is smart, i'll give him that he always looks like he's full of shit, he just looks untrustworthy and just wrong, he's always kissing his girlfriend [they seem to get traded out fairly regularly] in the exact same spot in the same hall at the same time each day, then there is the fer'ner party-boy, both of which [him and Douchy McGee] get props from their peers because "they have no trouble getting layed." i think its pretty funny that the i'm dealing with faithless christains and now loose man-ho's calling Bev a slut because she wants to be affectionate to her boyfriend of two years. and the two sluts can't seem to remember that Bev is my girlfriend, she lives in Vegas, i love her, i trust her, i talk to her around 3 hours a day, its just as easy to lie in person as it is away, some people care more about emotions than orgasms, and that las Vegas is not part of mexico, of yes, that her name is Beverly, she's a mexican, and that i will visit her this summer for around 2 weeks.

i'm not phased by it though, all those people can burn in hell as far as i'm concerned, i have Bev, so i have no need for these fools, let them all go down their paths and i'll take mine, lets see where we end up in the end.

-Quote-

"EVA is one of the best love stories of all time. Gendo and Yui. Gendo Ikari will not just live for his wife, and he won't just doe for her, no non no, he will cause the Apocalypse, wipe out all of humanity and unite their souls into one single being just to see his wife again, that is love."

-Me, obviously.

visit the one i love and trust with my life and heart [essentially the same thing]


HAIL ZEON!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Monday, May 14, 2007

last chance.
well i took my last sick day of the school year, it being that because if i don't show up another day i will have to take the final in Mr. Christiansan's class, and giving up a chance to have a free hour and a half is not something i'd most often do. i was sorta weary of taking it because i thought it would give me a feeling of lost hope because now i have no way out if something goes wrong, but i don't think so, because being as i had only one day, and i was always thinking if i should spend it or not it sorta was more of a false hope, being as i was afraid to take it. so now that its not luming over my head i think i can actually go about my days easier. i just love how i always feel like crap staying home, its pretty funny that i actually feel worse when i stay home because i feel like a quitter, i call it my atonment for running away, to feel low-down and guilty.

but there are always benefits to it, i got to stay home with my doggy, and she seems to be sick, she just lays around and looks sleepy, i think its because she wanted to go to my dad's house yesterday and she didn't get to, plus i haven't walked her in a while, since wednesday, i guess she is just mopey, i'm going to walk her after this, so she can get a bit of exercise, hopefully that will cheer and perk her up a bit, because i really don't like seeing her like this. i'm just glad she doesn't seem physically hurt, and thats good, because i'm still not over my last dog, so even if she did pass on, which i doubt will happen, i think she'd just sleep, and just keep sleeping. i really don't want that to happen for awhile though, because she is my best friend, and i can't take being alone, so Penel is obligated to keep me company till Bev can.

speaking of my lover i talked to her a lot this weekend, saturday i called her in the morning, and we talked a whole lot, and when i got home we ended up talking even more, and basically as i hung up to go to sleep she woke back up, and i couldn't fall asleep, so i called her back up, thinking she was asleep, i felt really guilty until i heard her being all happy and cheerful, wide awake, so we talked until her phone died, and i fell asleep for about 4 hours, got up and talked to her some more. yesterday was basically devoted tp mother's day, but once my mom went to sleep me and Bev probably talked for 3 or more hours, this lack of sleep might have contributed to my sickness this morning, but it came out good because i got to wake my lover up, and she was very passionate and affectionate, she really is cute in the morning, so basically she made me feel really good, and i've been able to enjoy my day off. it was really cute because i made her a little late, so when she hung up she was in quite a hurry, it was really adorable. i'm so glad i have such a loving cutie all to myself, she makes me so happy.

and being as i had such an amount of free time i got time to clear out part of my DVR, i got to watch 3 episodes of Pucca [which amounts to 9 segments] then i watched an episode of "Mirage of Blaze" while watching the intro i thought "is this shounen ai?" but then i watched ot and decided it was more like watching Ikki Tousen without the softcore porn, but wiki informs me that it in infact shounen ai, which was the one condition i'd watch such a plotless action-fest, because being as its shounen ai any plot it has is an accident, plus i want to widen my horizons beyond Gravi. along with that i watched some episodes of SuperGALS: season 2. and being as comcast seems in love with it, [or maybe Chris Patton, Greg Ayres and Lucy Christian were to lazy] its subbed, but despite the voices being unfamiliar its still fluffy cuteness and i love it, and meeting back up with Yuya and Miyu is really nice. Yuya still almost makes me cry a lot, being as he is aq lot like i was before i met Bev [except the whole male model with billions of fangirls thing] actually that doesn't need parens, because really i realize that i have more than the people i envy: Asaba, Yuya, Russel [GASP! a real person!] all thse guys have what i want, but they don't have what they need, and i do, i have true love, a person to cheer me up when i'm sad. so i suppose i just do things differently, i'm not going to go from shallow to deep. i have Bev, and knowing that i have to go back to each night, and knowing i have someone to comfort me while i lick my wounds gives me the strength to try to feed my ego. i have my dream already, i need nothing else.

-Quote-

"is everyone lonely and miserable?"

-SuperGALs ending song

visit my dream.


HAIL ZEON!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Sunday, May 13, 2007

strange feelings.
i don't know if its the happy chemicals your body gives out after exercise or the truly happy feelings that Bev makes come out of my heart but i really feel happy and strange.
today i just felt wierd, because yesterday was all strange involving my bros birthday and everything, then today i went out shopping for mother's day presents, as well as mowing my father's lawn, i didn't really have the will to game today, i think its because Dragon Quest really isn't stratedgy guide friendly, they guide is subtle inj all its hint and it irks me, because basically they tell you what you have to do, but not where to do it, or where to go but not what to do there, so half the time you just end up wandering around aimlessly. i realize that is what most RPGs are about, but reallt if i blew 20 bucks for some stupid piece of paper and it really does jack-shit, so i'm abbsolutely lost now, and i really feel don't feel like trying to figure it out currently, so Dragon Quest is on stand-by, and i'm pretty pissed there is no good fanart of the lead fanservice character, Jessica Albert, which annoys me because a lot of her moves involve hearts and kisses, so its really a letdown to see no one cares to draw stuff of her. i really wish i had more art talent, or talent at something i could trade for requests, i wouldn't want to draw this stuff myself, but if i could draw i could do exchanges. damn my distinct lack of talent.

if there is anything i can do to trade you guys for fanart requests i'd be happy to do those things, i don't really know what i could do, maybe make you a banner or a link, i suppose if you don't know how to do that but you can draw i could definatly do that for you. or i suppose if you want advice, being as people seek that from me a lot. or if you just like me and want to do me a favor PM me and i'll tell you my requests, i'd really mean a lot to me, because i have so many ideas in my head that i can't express with my hands. if i beg and pester Bev enough she'll do things for me, but i feel bad about asking her for everything, so if you want to help tell me, okay?

but yeah, i feel a bit more flexible today, i can touch my toesw a lot easier, plus my chest is tighter and my ass is looking better, i think i'll keep working on my lower body, being as that is the more feminine thing to do, plus my ass is still in worse shape than my chest, that and i can work on my flexibility while burning fat and hopefully evaporating my ass fat. luckily my thighs are good and well shaped, it seems that my ass abbsorbed all the fats i ate, i think the ass fat is that my mom kept buying me the "nature's cure: for females" insisting that they are all the same, i explaineed to her that medication works by fixing your hormones, and being as males and females have different hormones that are messing up my shape.

well i woke up early today and called Bev, we talked for a while then her phone died and i re-passed out and slept for another 4 hours, then i called her when i got home and we talked for a while then too, so i'm very happy to have sppent so much time with Bev, i'm hoping that i'll get to spend my maximum 2 weeks with Bev this summer, being as her parents are still a bit iffy on it, i really hope i get that time because i've waited for this for so long, i really need to get every moment possible with her. she really is my world, i'd be nothing without her. my father was talking about how its wrong for people to have serious relationships in high school because it screws up your individuality. i think that is total shit, at least for me, because if left to myself i'd become a person that no one can love, even myself, so i'd rather become the perfect lover for someone else than become my own man and hate myself. i'd be lost except for her, she is my rock and my light, i will not look down upon, or let other others look down upon my salvation.

i drew on myself with a sharpie, and really all it made me do is desperatly want Bev to be near me, so she can do those types of things to me, but then again everything reminds me of her, so0 i guess thgis having that effect isn't that different.

-Quote-

"i love Beverly"

-Written in black permanent marker on my right thigh.



HAIL ZEON!!!!!!!!!!!
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Saturday, May 12, 2007

Chemical inbalance.
As i always tell people, including myself, you cannot argue with your brain if it doesn't want you to. i say this because i basically spent the last 2 hours working out and stretching, then passing out face down on the couch in the middle of a show about a polygimist murderer i recorded on my DVR. upon waking up i viewed the next episode of Gundam SEED Destiny and came down here to update.

today was pretty good, i had a bunch of work i had to do in school because lasy night i had no time to do it. first off i blew of my homework for gaming, but alas my gimping PS2 finally gave up and stopped working, so it really became a day of restarting my PS2 and listening to it make horrible noises, then getting it to work for a while only for it to freeze up on me, well when i got home i had to do forensics book work and wrap my brother's birthday presents,so that took me past the 8 hours of sleep zone, so by the time i got to sleep i was way behind, i spent all today getting work done just before it was due, but still with enough time i could relax, so today went well.

today was also my brother's birthday, so when i got off school i went to my dad's house, there my brother blew us off to chill with his lover for like 5 hours, which i understand, i'd want to spend aromantic getaway with Bev on my B-day, but i'd let people know ahead of time, not stand them up, today was supposed to be an at-home day, but oh well, it was still fun. when me brother and his love got back he oppened the remainder of his presents, including one from her that was a whole elaborate trip to chicago for the two of them to see a band he likes, stay in a fancy hotel and go to a store he likes, it was really romantic and cute, because she told him about this via a sketch book she filled with scenes of them doing these things, i thought it was really romantic.

well when i got home i called up Bev and we ended up talking about her friend who has tons of fangirls, i'm slowly starting to realize i'm not meant to play the role of Asaba and have female admirers on a large scale. Bev keeps trying to convince me that i could if i changed things about myself, but thats nust not how i operate, i don't want to have admieres of who i pretend to be, i'd rather poeople hate me for me than love who they think i am.

but i'm just not fangirl-inspiring material, i'm not out-going, i don't engage people correctly, i'm either non-existant or over-bearing, i'm not good at making new friends or talking to strangers, i can't flirt or make small talk to save my life, i just always end up dominating conversations and making people think i'm wierd and they basically look down on me after that. and i'm kind to people, i'm not some cold, snobbish, bad-boy, hard-to-get type, the only reason i may be hard to approuch is because i'm shy or strange. plus i'm pale, i don't fit into any clique [emo, preppy, partier, jock] and i don't have good fashion, i'm nothing really special, Bev seems the only one to think i am, which is enough for ,me, its just i had aspiration of breaking the hearts of the same girls that rejected me, but i'm seeing now that is not the role i was destined to play, i will never be the lady killer, my dillusions of graduer are only that, dillusions.

but Bev kept telling me i could, and bringing up her friend with the legions of them, who after seeing him on the interweb [youtube: russell numa numa] i really feel that he's nothing special, he seems like an average looking spaz, but i guess its that shameless spastic attitude that just drives the ladies wild, plus i guess he's in better shape than me and emo-ish, so i see what warrants his feminine attracting prowess. so i basically told myself that it is the types like him, not i who are destined to play that role, but unfortunatly my brain and my ego wouldn't accept defeat, so i found myself stretching like crazy, as well as doing my normalo crunches and chest excerises, checking out my ass and such. basically i can't let go of my broken illusions, i guess that subconciosly i still feel "if i was just better" "i'm not gopod enough" and "i have to get better." these thoughts drive me to throw myself into more blind and hopeless charge, it seems my mission in life to destroy myself trying to gain unattainable things that i've already given up hope on.

though it does appear my grand standing gains me fans, my public bouts of crying, falling down outside classes, laughing with people laughing at me, yelling to classes like they are my cheering fans, ranting in speaches about Bev in a lovestruck manor or taboo subjects without flinching. it seems that my strangeness, if harnessed correctly could get me one step closer to havong my own Maryland [i sound like Asa-pine already, so thats good] i guess i have a future if i do things right, but the giant antfarm known as highschool is almost over for me, and with it my chance to gain fandom, so i'm guessing i'll miss my chance. but that's fine, Russel would trade me his life for mine in a second to have Bev, and ya know what?

i'll never give her up, i wouldn't trade her for every other girl in the world together. a while back i said i'd sacrifice my vanity to keep Bev, and i though that would be me hating how i look, my acne getting bad, my body getting more pale and doughy, but i realize now, i sacrifice having a bunch of girls who want to love me for one who truely does, and who i love back, and i think its worth it.

-Quote-

Me: i want to do the splits and put my head between my legs like that cheerleader, to do that i need to master the "touch your toes jutsu" as well as "spread eagle stance" life's a bitch.

its my damn left leg, its not as flexible as my right so it hurts when i touch my toes, which i can now do relitively reliably, plus the fact i always sit cross legged, so my legs don't like being extended straight. but when my one leg gets all hurty and bitch i feel like House.

visit the one i kill my vanity for


HAIL ZEON!!!!!!!!!!!
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Wednesday, May 9, 2007

chill out sempai.
well i was kinda hoping the you'd read my posts semppai, and i really did try to explain the circimstances of my action involving lip color, but i suppose i may as well go over it again, just incase you read this post as well.

i do not wear make-up [with the exception of concealer] in public, i do not wish to wear make-up in public, i have no plan to wear make-up in public unless Bev puts it on me and in that case its more of the cuteness and forcing me to do embarassing things that i find loveable and atrtractive as well as seductive. the reason i got the lipstick is for my forensics class for a lip-print lab, as well as i just like kissing stuff and leaving marks, i find it really cute and fun, so its not as though i bought it so i could go out on the town and look all sexy in my shimmery pink lipstick, i got it so i could mess around in my house while no one was looking, practice my kissing technique so i can leave cute marks on Bev as she will to me, to kiss letters is send to her and finally for just all around strangeness leaving kiss marks on things. i really have no aspirations of being a tranny, i just really want to kiss my lover up like she'll do to me, and having the ability to leave lip marks on stuff is really fun for me. so i'm sorry if i'm crossing over some line in your eyes sempai, i just hope you think a little higher of me now that i elaborated, but if not feel free to mock me more, its kinda fun!

i am realizing that i am quite feminine, one thing i found interesting is that women are supposedly supposed to think with both logical and emotional halfs of their brain while men only use the logic part. well as you all know the emotional half of my brain is always going, as well as the fact that i am very analytical, so there is another positive female trait i have.

no don't get me wrong peoplezez, i do not want to become a girl, i don't want to dress as one or be mistaken for one, i really just want to adopt what i see are the positive aspects of femininity, while staying with the parts of malehood i like, so i'm saying i want the best of both worlds, like a feminist, or Sanjaya. infact upon seeing Sanjaya i saw what i hope to become, i don't care if he's not America's, he's my idol! and as far as becoming too girly or girly in the wrong way, there is this dude at my school that i would not know was a dude if it were not for his broad shoulders, emo-ness, and the fact he walked out of the male bathroom. i do not want to be like him, i don't want to like like a she-male or a hemaphrodite, i do not want to look like a woman, i want to look like an adorably-cute pretty boy, and i will keep trying to be that, so i will not wear my shimmer lipstick outdoors or in public unless i'm being led around by my lover, and i see that as being a whole nother issue. though i do think i look good in my pink lipstick [ i found my sgade on accident] i do not believe that wearing lipstick is a thing i'd seriously want to do, maybe as a joke, or to show off to some girl that thinks its hot [because i am a showman by nature] but i do not like the conotation i take from myself wearing lipstick, i just seems wrong to me, to do it of my own choice in public, plus even if i did i'd have to keep reapplying cuz i'd just keep kissing stuff and myself, its just not my style, maybe i'll give eye make-up a chance when i havbe a profession helping me, but on my own as far as outside and/or near another person i will not be wearing lipstick unless its about to be put on Bev.

as for Bev we talked a lot more yesterday, mostly after i had fallen asleep she woke me up to sweet-talk me, which i always enjoy, even if i miss out on valuable sleeping time, the time i spend with my lover is even more valuable. she really makes me feel happy inside, to the point of irristability, being that i cant think of her without feeling all warm and fuzzy and happy, it really makes school a lot more tolerable when i hear my beloved's sweet voice buefore i pack-off for edu-macation. having her really makes everything so sweet and perfect, i can't wait till summer, when i can hoold her in my arms and press my lips to hers for the first time in my life. i can't wait to fall alseep next to her and wake-up knowing she loves me because its probably written on at least 27 parts of my body. and in a few years when we will be together every day i know it will make me strong enough to face work and all the hardships of life.

-Quote-

"Strife, hardship, pain, suffering and desperation, these things dissapear when i think of you."

-Me thinking of Bev as a walked out of math class realizing i know nothing



HAIL ZEON!!!!!!!!!
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Monday, May 7, 2007

my wierdness is endless.
the lip color is not just for my class, i did get it for myself because i find it kinda fun to kiss stuff and leave marks, i just sorta enabled myself by saying that i'm getting it for a class. i really love having lipstick and when i use the pink kind up i'll buy more of it because it does look cute on me, plus it has shimmer in it which i think looks really hot, as well as the shade of pink is quite cute, and once it gets on your skin its a bitch to get off, so if i kissed Bev with it on she'd have to scrub a layer of skin off to get rid of the marks. so really i enjoy wearing lipstick and kissing my arm and one day Bev, the thing i said is that it is a private thing, i would not go out of my own choice wearing lip color. now i'm guessing Bev will probably want me to at one point or anoother, and with her as an enabler i doubt i'd need much coaxing to go out like that, but on my own given my own choice i would not wear lipstick in public. there are many cute and/or embarassing things Bev could get me do that i secretly want to do, that probably being one of them, but it will be a while before i'm acting a fool such as that. so no worries people, i haven't completly lost my mind yet... yet.

as for my other adventures people are all being nice to me because of my breakdown on friday, a couple girls were all "are you okay now?" and i got a ton of "sorry about your speach" and the people who read my prop pictures thought it was great, so that really made me happy, plus so random guy just hugged me and led me to my seat, kinda made me feel like a princess or something, it made me feel wierd but in a fun way, to have some random guy escort me to my seat, at least i'm famous and an object of empathy. i then spent the rest of the hour bullshitting with people like i always do.

the hour before that i talked with two of the people in my group basically about Bev and my past romantic failures, basically how inept i am when it comes to flirting, i realize now i had tons of girls hitting on me, its just because they were shy i thought they disliked me, being as they seemed uncomfortable talking to me, now i realize they liked me. then there is the fact that the asshole who robbed me and the first girl i ever had a crush on sit at my table at lunch and seem to be an item. i must say i think they were even in 7th grade, being as when i gave her chocolates she shared them with him. wellback then, like every girl i liked, she was flat as a board, well now i must say she has quite a rack, probably a D or bigger, and they're firm too from the look, but then again she could have some major hardwear holding those milk-mounds up, or they could be plastic, though they look like the shape in my drawing book, so i guess they look analtomically correct. i only notice these thibgs because i look her over as sort of a closure thing, when i look at these two apperitions from my past i feel so much better about my current situation, that damn thief and his stupid womanizing, stalking my next door neighbor from my room and pausing [probably masterbating] to still-frames of Fujiko Mine from Lupin the 3rd, if he could see Bev i'm sure he'd realize i'd won, he can hit on and score with all the easy targets, all the girls that get passed around like cigarettes in proson, but i have a lusty loving curvy latina to myself, who is much better looking than his, and as far as women go i got over that one the fastest. so i love to look at those two and realize that i've evolved while they act the same they did 4 years ago, besides the fact that the theif wears fur coats now and the girl has bigger knockers.

me , i'm now happy and much more secure, i have a girl who loves me and makes me love myself too. its because of her that i even think i'd ever have a chance with any girl, but i already have the only one i'll ever need, and the best part is that she loves me for me, she loved me when i was insecure and frail, when i was wounded and afraid, she loves me because of my faults and helpled heal me, fix my insecurities and become a stronger better person. she even fell in love with me not inspite of my lack of flirting, but because of it, she loved how bad i was at trying to flirt and talking to girls. she loves me for my cuteness, and i'm glad for that, because i'm a terrible flirt.
though i'm juch better with her now, i may not be good at small talk, or even at t5rying to initiate relationships, but now that i have one [based completly off my ineptitude] i am great at showing love and gushing, my problem is that i kept things inside and came on strong, well now i can come on as strong as i want or can, and its a good thing.

as for more bev information i now talk to her every day before i go to school, and it really makes me very happy, and it makes life a lot better, and makes coming to school a lot easier. i love my baby, it makes me feel a lot better. i'm so lucky to have my Beverly.

-Quote-

Me: [noticing the girl's breasts for the first time after sitting near her for a semester] those things are huge! where the hell did they come from? they might be bigger than Bev's! they have a nice shape, the kind in my drawing book, but i bet they're fake.

she is ugly-ish anyway, she is a mulato who wants be a latina, she pulls her hair back and it makes her forehead look like an eight-head plus she's a calous bitch with a voice like nails on a chalk-board, i hope the man-slut thief gives her the clap and they both die of syplilous in the brain.

visit my lover, because she doesn't suck.


HAIL ZEON!!!!!!!!!!!
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Sunday, May 6, 2007

i must not be person.
i eally don't get how i become tired all the time like this, i'm most certainly not a morning person, being as i really hate the morning every time i wake up, it makes me miserable and despise life for a moment. so you'd think it'd be a night person, yet here i am all tired and its only 2. maybe its all the time i don't sleep that catches up with me now, i reallu7 have no idea whats wrong with me most of the time, i guess i'm merly full of wierd and other strange things, i just defy logic an d all attempts to understand reasoning i occassional display.

twas another uneventful day for me in the most part, doesn't mean i won't be able to write a full-length post about it, who knows, it might even be interesting. i'm just glad to have an outlet to rant into and to actually have people who listen and understand me.

yeah as far as the aborted i've seemingly put that in the past, though i haven't had to deal with that wretched bitch today so i guess that could be part of it. i really despise her. when we were having "lock-down" drills she said she'd save her ass before trying to protect us. i have to say at this moment if she tried that during an actual violent intruder thing i'd probably drag her into the line of fire if i believed y death was inevitable, i'd love to take her with me. she sits there spouting all kinds of scandalous thoughts and ideas yet censors me for saying and drawing "soft bondage" [fluffy blanket wrapping Bev up] and "my face would be all covered in teal kisses" this woman says that she genuinely hates Hillarly Clinton in the truest most evil sense of the word, she descripted this in detail. she yells at people for saying "God bless you" when a person sneezes, she is just a bitch and an offensive one at that, safter seeing a cat-fight she told the girls in the class "you're better than that, let the boys fight it out, they're made stupid and strong so they can do that." she is a sad excuse for a person. i'm lucky to know that after this year i'll never deal with her again [hopefully, i don't see any other classes i could have her in]

but enough about that, i'm finally mailing my present to Bev on monday, its a cinco de mayo gift, which i realize will end up being pretty late, but we have have a habit of giving each other late gifts, i think its indearing and cute, plus i had to finish up my pictures for her, which are more risque then my presentation, and i know that she won't cut off half way through. to have a person who understands you and loves you for you, its truly a great thing. i talked with her a bit today, i told her early that i'll want to get back to my gaming, anid to basically make me talk to her, which she enjoys doing anyway, so we talked for a while, up until she absolutely had to hang up, then i got back to my gaming, and called her when i got back home. i must say a day filled with Bev is a truly good day, i'm really looking forwardd to July when i have a week with this person who drives my heart crazy and makes me so happy, to be able to do all the sweet, cyte, fluffy couple stuff i constantly rant and fantasize about, those will be very good days. i'll be so happy to have my first kiss, i really don't care how sad or pathetic to not have my first kiss until i'm practically 18, the fact that it took so long, and that i will share it with a person i truly love makes itr worth it. i'll have to take pictures instead of drawing them of when my face is colored with the shade of her lip gloss, because those will be the moment that get me through senior year, through the year after, and that i will always look back at happily. i mean i do seem to live in the past a lot.

well today under the guise of the fact that i kinda need it for forensics class i boiught myself some lipstick, this is solely for me, not as a present for Bev. its not as if i'm going to wear it in front of people or anything, i just like leaving kiss mark0s too, and i figured it'd be nice to have the right equpment for that. i wanna mark my lover up too, like she will do to me, so i need my own color, and i did find "my color" it suits me very well, it makes me look hot instead of a tranny like the other color i bought, i don't know which one i should use in forensics for lip prints, i think i'll go with the tranny color, don't want to waste the good one, plus its not as if i really care about impressing the ladies, or even banking or imagining they'd be turned on by a guy with the right shade of lip color, i don't get why eye make-up is hotter than lip make up for the gal folk to see on males, but then again i'd feel less wierd wearing that than lipstick in public, but then again i think that is circular reason, its only easier because more guys do it.

so basically the lip color is for a class and for kissing in private, i'm not becoming a tranny. i'd much rather stay the way i am then take on the wrong feminine qualities, so don't fret if you read this sempai, i'm not turning further to the other side.

-Quote-

"i should really learn the downside of pushing yourself."

-me after doing a 6 block fast jog/slow run. [my cardio sucks when it comes to running, i'm better at perpetually climbing stairs.]

visit my beloved soul-mate


HAIL ZEON!!!!!!!!!
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