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AIM
• Kagato360
E-mail
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Vitals
Birthday
• 1990-02-12
Gender
•
Male
Location
• in my own little universe, the entrance to which is somewhere in inkster michigan
Member Since
• 2005-03-25
Occupation
• slacker/writer/brooding mystic/spaz/idiot/confused wandering lost soul/puppy [in joke] Straight, brown haired Eiri Yuki
Real Name
• J-D, Got it memorized?
Personal
Achievements
• i've managed to spend 10 years in school and never had a girlfriend, thats an achievment in its sadness. but i've been in school 12 years now...
Anime Fan Since
• i first saw Gundam Wing
Favorite Anime
• Chobits, Gundam Seed,excel saga, Bleach, Naruto, Ergo Proxy, Blood +, Myhthical Dectective Loki Ragnarok, Makai Senki Disgaea, Tokko, Pucca, Gravitation, Ikki Tousen, Full Metal Panic, Kare Kano, Blue Gender, GITS, Cromartie High, inuyasha,.hack,kenshin,
Goals
• to gain good friends and to meet up with "someone" over the summer.
Hobbies
• writing my Flamer Fic, surfin' the net, training with various weapons
Talents
• annoying people, being crafty in times of trouble
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Monday, December 10, 2007
Yasashii Gogo.
its kind of funny how life can be, or rather you could say that its horrible how life can be, thats sort of the point that i'm trying to make, life is what you make of it.
for so long now i've been skipping along on cloud nine with no pain and no problems, so now that "problems" has shown his ugly head again i went into total emo-mode a few times, until i realized what i was doing and how stupid it all is.
to start if off Bev is starting to wish i had more friends because she thinks my life sounds pretty boring and doesn't like the idea that i seem to only have social interaction with her. well being as i'm mister "must serve my lover" i felt this uber-strong need to all of a sudden hang out with a ton of people after school, only problem is that i don't really like hanging out with people. so i was having a bit of a crisis of faith, "can i really do ANYTHING for her?" "would i be better off with friends?" "CAN i change for her?" i asked myself these questions until i found myself with this feeling of pain and numbness, and i slowly realized that i had sunken back into the darkness that Bev had given me the light to escape, which really didn't really help, i mean depending on your interpretation that could mean i was out of love. but then it all started to fall into place, i was chasing my tail again, i was over thinking everything to the point that i was tearing myself apart.
see i was trying to find some golden solution, some fix-everything spell that would make all the bad go away, i always do this when i'm trying to make my relationship better, i try to analyze everything and find some perfect solution, i suppose i think i'm Light, that if i go through enough monologues i'll find the "TA-DA" moment that erases all my problems. but see life doesn't work that way, everything has pros and cons, good and bad effects, for every up there is a down and the reverse is true, and when i find myself pondering all my spare time away i in the end find myself at the same point, i have no idea what to say or do and i'll just follow my heart.
i suppose i just lack analytical skills, or maybe i'm sans an analytical limiter, once i start pondering i look at it from so many angles that everything seems like a bad idea, i can assume it comes from pessimism why i can find the worst case scenario of every action i take and thus why i end up in a psychological fetal position feeling as if all is lost.
the truth i have to realize is that Bev loves me, i might bore her at times and now that she has friends she doesn't cling to me like a lost puppy needing me for even the slightest smile, it could be i just miss my God Complex being fed into, but when it comes down to it she really cares for me deeply and all these hellish ordeals i perceive are nothing more than blows to my vanity. its extremely unlikely she'd leave me because i don't live an action-packed life, really all that it effects is how much she strokes my ego. so in the end i'm not chasing my tail over how to keep Bev but rather of to sustain my insane self image.
and really i can learn to not be seen as some sort of God to her, i don't need her to feed off my attention like a toddler, i'm perfectly capable of letting her have a life. still i know what Arima felt like now, watching Yukino run off with her friends and realizing he's not her only source of happiness anymore, other people accept and like her for being herself, and as much as it would be nice to have her all to himself for all of time, locking her away from the world is certainly not the right thing to do.
damn GAINAX for writing my life story before i lived it, all their flawed characters can really crawl inside you and resonate with the worst parts of your personality. i've had times where i was as scared and pathetic as Shinji, as fake as Yukino, as vain as Asaba or Asuka, as possessive as Arima and as single-mindedly devoted to the point of evil such as Gendo.
i'm a fucked up person, but i'm sure she loves me anyway, and i'm sure that i can make things better, so i know i'm set for life. i'm a long way from rock bottom but there is no end to the sky, so i'll just keep pressing ahead, all you need is hard work and guts! if you show sincerty and effort anything is possible!
-Quote-
read that last paragraph again.
time to de-hair myself folks, bye!
♥ JD Person ♥
Comments
(3)
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