Monday, January 31, 2005

Lemons suck@!
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I've got a surprize for you all, loyal readers. I've decided to novelize that little chat Miss Jamie and I've been having, so here is the Prolougue in it's Prolouguey glory. Prologue - N00b hunters? Jamie and Josh sat in the mall, sipping coffee. They had decided that coffee would be the best way for them to enjoy some quiet time and chat. As they sipped, things such as love, and cheese came up. As the days seemed to slip by, the friendship grew. At one point, the two began to spout off ideas about RPGs, and something came to them. Josh suddenly stood up, and walked off, not saying anything. He picked up his pace and began an all sprint into the nearest department store. Jamie gave chase, trying desperately to fight the flow of people, and keep some form of speed. When she finally got the store, she realized she wasn’t going to find him, so she went shopping instead. As she went around through the various clothes, she noticed a small sound coming from the lingerie part of the store. As she crept into the store, she sprung on the dark shape crouched by a rack of bras. “Aha! Got you!” she said, pulling something out by the ear. “Ow, that really hurts!” Josh said, half-heartedly tugging at Jamie’s arm. “You should have thought about that when you…. Wow, I really like that skirt. Keep guard while I try it on.” Jamie said, grabbing the skirt, and walking into the changing room. Josh whipped out a water pistol and paced back and forth, almost comically. When Jamie came out, she immediately asked, “How do I look?” doing a little turn. Josh looked, and scratched his chin. “You look marvelous darling, simply marvelous.” He said, pronouncing marvelous, mahr-ve-alous. Josh stared at Jamie for a second, waiting for a laugh. All she did was stare out the window and turned even paler. “What’s up with you?” Josh asked, looking around. “Um, Josh, what the hell is that?” she said, pointing to the window. There sat the most disgusting thing you could have ever thought of in your life. It was a monkey which was as much as you could tell. It’s muzzle was a rounded and came out only about a couple of inches. It had a small rod coming out of its head, and slime dripped out of the muzzle. It was a greenish color, and seemed to almost glow in the darkness of the mall. “Wait a second, when did the mall get dark?” Josh asked, looking around dumbly. “Just let the idiot get on with the story Josh, I want to kill things now.” Jamie said, grabbing a shotgun out of thin air. “Hey, I can do that too!” Josh said, pulling a grenade out from behind Jamie’s ear. “That was just up your sleeve.” Jamie said, rolling her eyes. “But I have magic sleeves!” Josh said in protest, pulling a rabbit out. Suddenly, a blonde member of the audience let out a scream. “In all my years, never has such an atrocity been pulled from one’s sleeve. If I still had my powers, I would curse you into a world filled with people eating bunnies!” she said, storming out of the building. “Can I get back to my description of the horrendous thing in front of all of you idiots?” the announcer asked, trying to sound mean. “No, I want to skip ahead.” Jamie said, cocking the gun. “Before the loud mouth above us started rattling off, I was going to tell you that I had ordered a zombie killing monkey for us. I guess it arrived.” Josh said, walking over to it with a strip of meat. The monkey sniffed it, and then grabbed it with lightening speed, gobbling it down. “Wow, he should be…” Jamie began to say. The floor suddenly opened from under the monkey and he fell, and a few seconds later, a splat that sounded of impalement reached the twosome’s ears. “I really liked that one. I won’t be buying another.” Josh said, shaking. “Are you OK Josh?” Jamie said, looking concerned. Josh at this bust out laughing. “OK, I tried, but that thing was so freaky!” Jamie suddenly whipped her head around and saw a shadow slinking off, a controller looking shadow in its hands. “Josh, I think that shadow killed the monkey. Want to kill it?” “Sounds better than standing around here.” Josh said, cocking his shotgun. “Hey, where.. Oh never mind.” Jamie said rolling her eyes. The two began down the aisle of the department store, guns at the ready. As Josh looked left, Jamie looked right. As they passed through shoes, men’s, and underwear, the pair realized that in the short time they had spent with the monkey, the entire mall had been vacated. “Damn, people move fast.” Jamie said, walking out of the store, as they followed the shadow’s trail of, well, shadows. They began to feel a sense of deja-vu as the twists and turns lead them to a dead end near the food court. They began to hear noises, and approached the dark corner from which they came from. “Josh, is that what I think it is?” Jamie said, a green tint sneaking into her face. “If you think it’s two n00bs locked in a serious orgy, then yes, it is.” Josh said, turning away. Suddenly the two were splashed with some white, sticky substance, and as they wiped it from them, the two of them vomited. “Never again. Will we follow a trail.” Jamie said, wiping her face. “I agree.” Josh said, pulling off his shirt. The entire room became silent as everyone stared. Josh grabbed the shirt that sat conveniently lay next him and threw it on. Jamie smiled, then stole it, tossing it into the wind. Jamie suddenly notices that the two n00bs were watching, and the girl suddenly rushed at Josh, screaming, “OMFG!!!111! /-/e 15/ teh sexah!!1! LOLOLO!!11” She suddenly pounced on our hero and began to grab his face. His struggled with her for a few seconds, and finally threw her off. He then proceeded to pull out a knife and perform a finishing move like Alex in Eternal Darkness. The n00b squirmed, and then died. Josh began to gloat, and then stop as a second n00b started to hump his leg. Jamie gave Josh a little smile and a wave. Josh shot her an incredibly dirty look, then blasted the n00b’s brains with his shotgun. Smiling rudely at Jamie, he squatted and looked at the n00b he had stabbed. It lay dead, it’s eyes glazed open. “I don’t like n00bs.” Josh said, noticing there was still the male n00b standing there. “Jamie, for the theft of my shirt, I must force you to lose your shirt and face the wrath of a horny n00b.” he said smiling. He picked up his shirt and turned around. “Whenever you’re ready.” Jamie gave Josh a dirty look, then took her shirt off. The male n00b immediately shot towards Jamie, and started to unzip it’s pants. Jamie had a grossed out look fall over her face as she threw a grenade at the thing. It stopped, looked down, and was then blown into bits. Jamie stuck her tongue out at Josh, then picked up her shotgun. Josh looked down at his shirt, and realized it wasn’t his. It was all silky and blue. Josh looked at Jamie funny as she began to touch the shirt. She then changed into a silky silver shirt and looked at Josh. Instead of touching her shirt, Josh grabbed a raccoon and began to pet it. Jamie looked around, found a target, and blew off an n00bs head. She laughed at the bloodshed, and then stared at Josh who stood with a bratwurst and some fries on a plate. Jamie, then walked over to one of the n00b’s tables and sat down, and grabbed a plate of spaghetti. Josh looked at her as if she was crazy, and then grabbed a grenade. He pulled the pin, and threw it over to the table, hoping that Jamie was paying attention. She looked up, and suddenly took a great leap up from the table, and began to run. She jumped up and hid behind a table, just as the explosion ripped through the cafeteria. The area was splattered SPAM, covering anything and everything. Josh looked over his table and Jamie too. They waved, and then walked over to meet each other. “Jamie, I think we’re done with n00bs for now. You ready to give up?” Josh said, looking nervous. “Of course. We can move back to zombies.” Jamie said, looking around. Suddenly, the world blacked out, and the two friends disappeared.

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