Saturday, October 18, 2003

   Yaaay.

Ok, here's the second part (finally!) of the Complete Works, starting with: Romeo and Juliet. (Blackout. A pretentious heavy-metal version of 'Greensleeves' crashes through the sound system. The music ends with an enormous cymbal crash. A light comes up to reveal JESS in Shakespearean attire and Converse high-top canvas sneakers, sitting in the Masterpiece Theater chair and holding the 'Complete Works' book. He regards the audience smugly for a moment, opens the book, and reads.) JESS: "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances And one man in his time plays many parts." One man in his time plays many parts. How true. Ladies and gentlemen, where better to begin our exploration of the complete works of the greatest of all English playwrights than in Verona, Italy--with two of his most beloved characters, Romeo and Juliet. (ADAM and DANIEL enter, also in Elizabethian garg and sneakers, and begin warm-ups and stretches.) Now, Adam and Daniel be attempting to portray all of the major character roles in 'Romeo and Juliet,' while I fill in with bits of narration. After extensive research and analysis, we of the Reduced Shakespeare Company have decided to begin our abbreviated version of 'Romeo and Juliet' with...the Prologue. ADAM AND DANIEL (simultaniously, with synchronized gestures): "Two households, both alike in dignity, In fair Verona where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge to new mutiny Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. From forth the fatal loins of these two foes A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life; Whose misadventured, piteous o'erthrows Do, with their death, bury their parents' strife" (They bow. DANIEL lifts ADAM into a balletic exit, then follows him off.) JESS: Act One, Scene One: In the street meet two men tall and handsome, One, Benvolio; (ADAM enters as BENVOLIO.) The other named Sampson. (DANIEL enters as SAMPSON.) Their hatred fueled by an ancient feud For one serves Capulet, the other Montague...d. A/BEN (singing): O, I like to rise when the sun she rises, early in the morning... D/SAM (singing simultaneously): O, I had a little doggie and his name was Mr. Jiggs, I sent him to the grocery store to fetch a pound of figs... (They see each other. Simultaniously:) A/BEN (aside): Ooo, it's him. I hate his guts. I swear to God I'm gonna kill him. D/SAM (aside): Ooo, it's him. I hat his family, hate his dog, hate 'em all. (They smile and bow to each other. As they cross to opposite sides of the stage, SAMPSON bites his thumb at BENVOLIO, who trips SAMPSON in return.) A/BEN: "Do you bite your thumb at me, sir? D/SAM: No sir, I do but bite my thumb. A/BEN: Do you bite your thimb at me, sir? D/SAM: No sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I do bite my thumb. Do you quarrel, sir? A/BEN: Quarrel, sir? No, sir. D/SAM: But if you do, sir, I am for you. I serve as good a man as you. A/BEN: No better. D/SAM: Yes. Better. A/BEn: You lie! (They fly at each other. Massive fight scene. BENVOLIO chases SAMPSON offstage. BENVOLIO flings a stunt-dummy SAMPSON onstage, stomps on it, twists its arm. DANIEL enters as the PRINCE.) Rebellious subjects, enemies to the peace. Profaners of this neighbor-stained steel. You, Capulet, shall go along with me. Benvolio, come you this afternoon To know our farther pleasure in this case. (D/PRINCE exits with dummy.) A/BEN: O where is Romeo? Say you him today? Right glad I am that he was not at ths fray. But see, he comes! (DANIEL makes a grand entrance as ROMEO, wearing a very silly wig and wistfully sniffing at a rose.) Romeo, he cried. I'll know his grievance or be much denied. Good morrow, coz. D/ROMEO: Is the day so young? A/BEN: But new struck nine. D/ROMEO: Ay, me. Sad hours seem long. A/BEN: What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours? D/ROMEO: Not having that which, having, makes them short. A/BEN: In love? D/ROMEO: Out. A/BEN: Out of love? D/ROMEO: Out of her favor where I am in love. A/BEN: Alas that love, so gentle in his view, Should be so rough and tyrannous in proof. D/ROMEO: Alas that love, whose view is muffl'd still, Should without eyes see pathways to his will. BOTH: O! A/BEN: Go ye to the feast of Capulets. There sups the fair Rosaline whom thou so lovest. With all the admired beauties of Verona. Go thither and compare her face with some that I shall show. And I shall make thee think thy swan a crow. (Exits.) D/ROMEO: I'll go along, no such sight to be shown, But to rejoice in splendor of my own."(Exits.) JESS: ...And so much for Scenes One and Two. So now to the feast of Capulet Where Romeo is doomed to meet his Juliet. And where in a scene of timeless romance, He'll try to get into Juliet's pants. (ADAM enters as JULIET, wearing a wig even sillier than Romeo's. She dances. ROMEO enters, sees her, and is immediately smitten.) D/ROMEO: "O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright. Did my heart love 'till now? Forswear it, sight. For I ne'er saw true beauty 'til this night. (taking JULIET'S hand) If I profane with my unworthiest hand This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this; My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss. A/JULIET: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hands too much, Which mannerly devotion shows in this; For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do not touch And palm to palm is holy palmer's kiss. D/ROMEO: Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too? A/JULIET: Ay, pilgrim. Lips that they must use in prayer. D/ROMEO: O then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do. (ADAM has no wish to be kissed and struggles with DANIEL over the following lines.) A/JULIET: Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake. D/ROMEO: Then move not, while my prayers' effect I take. A/JULIET: Then form my lips the sin that they have took. D/ROMEO: Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urged. Give me my sin again." ADAM (breaking character): I don't wanna kiss you, man. DANIEL: It's in the script. (ADAM knees DANIEL in the groin. He crumples to the floor in pain.) A/JULIET: "You kiss by the book." Oh, coming, mother! (ADAM looks around, curses under his breath. He pull JESS out of his chair and climbs clumsily onto his shoulders.) D/ROMEO: "Is she a Capulet? Ay, so I fear. The more is my unrest." (breaking character, to ADAM) What are you doing? A/JULIET: The Balcony Scene. D/ROMEO: "But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? A/JULIET (struggling to stay balanced): O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name, Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, And I'll no longer be a Capulet. What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose By any other name would still smell. O Romeo, doff thy name, which is no part of thee, Take all myself. (Plummets from JESS' shoulders.) D/ROMEO: I take thee at thy word. Call me but love, And I shall be new baptiz'd. Henceforth I shall never be Romeo. A/JULIET: What man art thou? Art thou not Romeo, and a Montague? D/ROMEO: Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike. A/JULIET: Dost thou love me then? I know thou wilt say aye, And I will take thy word. Yet if thou swearest, Thou mayest prove false. O Romeo, if thou dost love, Pronounce it faithfully. D/ROMEO: Lady, by yonder blessed moon, I swear-- A/JULIET: O swear not by the moon! D/ROMEO: What shall I swear by?" (JULIET points to a woman in the audience.) Lady, by yonder blessed virgin, I swear-- A/JULIET (referring to the woman): I don't think so. "No, Do not swear at all. Although I joy in thee, I have no joy in this contract tonight. It is too rash, too sudden, too unadvised, Too like lighting, which doth cease to be Ere one can say it lightens. Sweet, good night. D/ROMEO: O wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied? A/JULIET: I gave thee mine before thou did'st request it. Three words, gentle Romeo, and then good night indeed. If that thy bent of love be honorable, Thy purpose marriage, send word tomorrow. Good night, good night; Parting is such sweet sorrow--" Really, it is. (She exits, blowing a kiss to the love-struck ROMEO.) D/ROMEO: "Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast. O that I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest." (Freezes.) JESS: Lo, Romeo did swoon with love; By Cupid he'd been crippl't; But Juliet had a loathsome coz Whose loathsome name was Tybalt. (ADAM enters as TYBALT, snarling, carrying two foils.) A/TYBALT: "Romeo, the love I bear thee can afford No better term than this: thou art a villian. Therefore turn and draw. D/ROMEO: Tybalt, I do protest, I never injured thee, But love thee, better than thou canst devise. A/TYBALT: Thou wretched boy, I am for you! (TYBALT throws ROMEO a foil. ROMEO closes his eyes and extends the blade, neatly impaling the advancing TYBALT.) A/TYBALT: O I am slain." (ADAM bows and exits.) (JESS flips frantically through pages of the book. DANIEL is concerned.) DANIEL: Now what do we do? JESS: I don't know. He skipped all this stuff. (pointing to a place in the book) Go to here. DANIEL: Okay.. (Exits.) JESS: So...from Tybalt's death onwards, the lovers are cursed Despite the best efforts of Friar and Nurse; Their fate pursues them, they can't seem to duck it And at the end of Act Five, they both kick the bucket. (JULIET enters, riding an imaginary horse, humming the 'William Tell Overture.') A/JULIET: "Gallop apace, you fiery-footed steeds, And bring in cloudy night immediately. Come civil night! Come night! Come Romeo, Thou day in night! Come, gentle night! Come loving, black-brow'd night! O night night night night... Come come come come come!" (aside to audience) I didn't write it. "And bring me my Romeo! (DANIEL enters as the NURSE.) A/Juliet: O it is my nurse. Now nurse, what news? D/NURSE: Alack the day, he's gone, he's killed, he's dead! A/JULIET: What devil art thou to torment me thus? This torture should be roared in dismal hell. Hath Romeo slain himself? D/NURSE: I saw the wound, I saw it with mine own eyes--God save the mark--here in his many breast." Men are all dissemblers, they take things apart and reassemble them--I don't know what a dissembler is. A/JULIET(accosting a man in the audience): O no! He's dead! He's gone, he's killed, he's dead, what are you doing tonight? "O break my heart! Poor bankrupt break at once. To prison eyes, ne'er look on liberty. Vile earth to earth resign, end motion here, And thou and Romeo...go drink a beer. D/NURSE: O, Tybalt was the best friend I ever had. That ever I should live to see thee murder'd! A/JULIET: Is Romeo slaughter'd and is Tybalt dead? My dear lov'd cousin and my dearer love? Then dreadful trumpets sound the general doom! D/NURSE: No, Juliet, no! No! Tybalt is gone and Romeo banished. Romeo that kill' Tybalt, he is banished! A/JULIET: O God! Did Romeo's hand shed Tybalt's blood? D/NURSE: It did, it did, alas the day it did." (They sob and scream hysterically, finally pick up mugs and throw water in each other's faces.) A/JULIET and D/NURSE (bowing): Thank you. (DANIEL exits, leaving JULIET alone to assess the situation.) A/JULIET: Now Romeo lives, whom Tybalt would have slain. Well, that's good, isn't it? And Tybalt is dead, who would have killed my husband. Well, that's good, isn't it? So why do I feel like poo-poo? (DANIEL enters as FRIAR LAURENCE.) O, Friar Laurence! Romeo is banished and Tybalt is slain and... D/FRIAR: "Juliet, I already know thy grief. Take thou this vial, and this distilled liquor drink thou off. And presently though all thy veins shall run a cold and drowsy humor." A/JULIET (Takes bottle and drinks.): O, I feel a cold and drowsy humor running through my veins. D/FRIAR: Told you so. (FRIAR exits. JULIET begins to convulse, vomits on several people in the front row, and finally flips over unconscious. ROMEO enters. He sees JULIET and rushs to her prone body, accidentally stepping on her crotch while doing so.) D/ROMEO: "O no! My love, my wife! Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath, Hath no power yet upon thy beauty. O Juliet, why art thou yet so fair? Shall I believe that unsubstantial death Is amorous, to keep thee here in the dark To be his paramour? Here's to my love. (He drinks from his poison bottle.) O true apothecary, thy drugs are quick. Thus, with a kiss, I die... (This time it is DANIEL who has no wish to kiss ADAM. He struggles with the problem for a moment, takes another swig of poison, and finally kisses him.) Thus with a kiss, I die. (ROMEO dies. JULIET wakes up, stretches, scratches her butt, and looks around.) A/JULIET: Good morning. Where O where is my love? (She sees him lying at her feet and screams.) "What's this? A cup, closed in my true love's hand? Poison I see hath been his timeless end. O churl. Drunk all and left no friendly drop to help me after? Then I'll be brief. O happy dagger! This is thy sheath." (She unsheaths ROMEO'S dagger and does a doubletake: the blade is tiny.) That's Romeo for ya. (JULIET stabs herself. She screams, but, to her surprise, she does not die. She looks for a wound and can't find one. Finally she realizes that the blade is retractable. This is a cause for much joy. She stabs herself gleefully in the torso and on the crown of the head, delighting in a variety of death noises. Finally, she flings her happy dagger to the ground.) "There rust and let me die!" The end! (Dies.) (Daniel and ADAM rise and bow. Jess fetches a guitar from backstage and throws it to ADAM.) JESS: Epilogue. (ADAM plays a theme on guitar while JESS eludicates the epilogue with gestures.) DANIEL: "A glooming peace this morning with it brings; The sun for sorrow will not show its head; Go forth and have more talk of these sad things; Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished; For neverwas there a story of more woe Than this of Juliet and her Romeo." ALL (singing): And Romeo and Juliet are dead. (ADAM plays a rock'n'roll coda on the guitar, ending with all three doing a synchronized Pete Townshend-style jump on the last cord.) JESS: Thank you, Wembley, and good night! -Today's Holidays- ~Rhodesia: Republic Day

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