Sunday, October 12, 2003

   What you've all been waiting for!

Aaaaaalright: I've finally gotten to posting the first section of Complete Works, and don't worry if you don't like it yet. It gets much better. So here goes. Act 1 (The preshow music, the 'Jupiter' section of Gustav Holz' 'The Planets,' reaches its crashing climax. Lights come up on the stage. The set consists of a backdrop representing an Elizabethan theater in the fashion of Shakespeare's Globe, with entrances upstage right and left. Stage right there is a 'Masterpiece Theater'-style narrator's chair, on which there sits a book: The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. After a beat, DANIEL, ostensibly a house manager enters from the wings stage left.) DANIEL: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the _____ Theater and tonight's performance by the Reduced Shakespeare Company. I have a few brief annouuncements before we get under way. The use of flash photography and the recording of this show by andy means, audio or video, is strictly prohibited by the management. Also, please refrain from eating, drinking, or smoking--anything--during the performance. For your convenience toilets are located in the lobby. Also, please take a moment now to locate the exit nearest your seat. (Points to exits, in the manner of an airline flight attendant.) Should the theater experience a sudden loss of pressure, oxygen masks (Pulls one from his jacket pocket.) will drop automatically. Summply place the mask over your nose and mouth, and continue to breathe normally. If you are at the theater with a small child, please place your own mask on fist, and let the little bugger fend for himself. At this time, I would like to introduce myself.My name is Daniel Singer of hte Reduced Shakespeare Company, and tonight we are going to attempt a feat which we believe to be unprecendented in the history of theater. That is, to capture, in a sungle theatrical experience, the magic, the genius, the towering grandeur of 'The Complete Works of William Shakespeare.' Now we have a lot to get through tonight, so at this time I'd like to introduce a member of the Company who is one of California's preëminent Shakespearan scholars. He has a bachelor's degree from the University of California at Berkely, where I believe he read two books about William Shakespeare. He is here tonight to provide a bref preface to 'The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (abridged).' Please welcome me in joining Mr. Jess Borgeson. (JESS enters in a tweedy suit and spectacles. He picks up the book from the armchair and shakes hands with DANIEL, who sits in the armchair to listen.) JESS: Thank you, Daniel, and good evening, ladies nad gentlemen (Clinging to the 'Complete Works' book, he begins professorially, as if lecturing a class of students.) William Shakespeare: playwright, poet, actor, philosopher; a man whose creative and literary genius have had an immeasurably profound influence upon the consciousness and culture of the entire English-speaking world. And yet, how much do we inhabitants of the twentieth century really know and appreciate the tremendous body of work contained in this single volume? Too little, I would argue. believe I could illustrate this point by conducting a brief poll here, among our audience. (to the light booth) If I may have the house lights for just a moment, please? (The house lights come up) Now, you are a theater-going crowd, no doubt of above-average cultural and literary awareness, and yet if I may just have a breif show of hands, how many of you here tonight have ever seen or read any play by William Shakespeare? Any contact at all wit the Bard, just raise your hands... (Almost everyone raises a hand. JESS shrinks away to confer, sotto voice, with DANIEL.) I think they might know more than we do, maybe we better get outta here. DANIEL: Don't worry about it. JESS: No, we should really start running NOW. DANIEL: They don't know Shakespeare form shinola, just keep going. JESS: What should I do? DANIEL(mouthing): Narrow it down. JESS: What? DANIEL(whispering): Narrow it down. JESS(to audience): Let's see if we can narrow it down a bit, shall we? How many of you have ever seen or read, let's say, 'All's Well That Ends Well?' (Perhaps a third of the audience raises their hands.) Yes, that seems to be separating the wheat from the chaff quite nicely. Let's see if we can find out who the true Shakespeare trivia champs are tonight. Has anybody ever seen or read 'King John?' 'King John,' anyone? (ADAM, in street garb, raises his hand in the third row. JESS spots him.) JESS: You have, really? Would you mind telling us what it's about? ADAM: It's about a hunchback. JESS (momentarily silent, then pointing an accusing finger at ADAM): This is exactly what I'm talking about. Oh, right, you laugh, ladies and gentlemen, you scoff, but let he among you who is free from sin live in a glass house! For that face, ladies and gentlemen, that face represents all your faces. (JESS begins to bear down on ADAM.) That empty brain represents yor empty brains. Those glazed eyes are your glazed eyes, these teeth (grabbing ADAM'S face) are your teeth, and they cry out, 'FLOSS ME!' (retuning to stage) Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you that our society's colliective capacity to comprehend--much less attain--the genius of a William Shakespeare has been systematically compromised by computers, vandalized by video games, saturated with soap operas and dealt its death blow by Dan Quayle. But have no fear! The Reduced Shakespeare Company is here! (He is beginning to metamorphose inte a fire-and-brimstone evangelist.) We descend among you on a mission from God and the literary muse, to spread the holy word of the Bard to the masses. To help you take those first halting steps OUT of the twentieth century quagmire of Donahue, Geraldo, and Oprah Jessy Raphael, and into the future! A glorious future! A future where this book (indicating the 'Complete Works') will be found in every hotel room in the world! This is my dream, ladies and gentlemen, and it begins here, tonight. Join us in taking those first steps down the path toward the brave new world of intellectual redemption by opening your hearts. (DANIEL picks up a plate and begins to pass it among the audience, soliciting donations.) Yes, please open your hearts--and your pocketbooks. Or simply charge your donations to your MasterCard or Visa by phoning 1-800-THE BARD right now! Give us your cash, if we be friends, and deduct it when the tax year ends! On with the show and may the Bard be with you! Thank you, and Hallelujah!! (The house lights fade as DANIEL returns to the stage, shakes JESS' hand and exchanges the collection plate for the 'Complete Works' book. JESS finds a large bill in the plate nad tucks it in his back pocket as he exits.) DANIEL: Those of you who own a copy of this book know that no collection is complete without a brief biography of the life of William Shakespeare. Providing this portion of the show will be the third member of the Reduced Shakespeare Company; please welcome to the stage Mr. Adam Long. (ADAM comes to the stage. As he shakes DANIEL'S hand, he drops a small stack of 3x5 index cards: his notes. He hastily picks them up.) DANIEL: Oops, sorry. Let me help you... ADAM: No, don't touch them. They go in an order. DANIEL: Okay, okay. (Sits in chair.) ADAM(trying to quickly put his notes back in order): I've just been taking a few notes on Shakespeare's life so we could get the show off to a good start, so you could know all the stuff he did an' everything... DANIEL(sotto voice): Just get on with it. ADAM: Okay, okay. (He begins reading from the index cards.) William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare was born in 1564 in the town of Stratford-upon-Avon, Warwickshire. The third of eight children, he was the eldest son of John Shakespeare, a locally prominent merchant, and Mary Arden, daughter of a Roman... (flips to the next card) ...Catholic member of the landed gentry. In 1582 he married Anned Hathaway, a farmer's daughter...heh. He is supposed to have left Stratford after he was caught poaching in the deer park of a local justice of the peace. (next card) Shakespeare arrived in London in 1588. By 1592, he had achieved success as an actor and a playwright. After 1608 his dramatic production lessened, and it seems that he spent more time in Stratford. (next card) There he dictated to his secretary, Rudolf Hess, the work 'Mein Kampf,' in which he set forth his program for the restoration of Germany to a dominant position in Europe. After reoccupying the Rhineland zone between France and Germany, and annexing Austria, the Sudetenland and the remainder of Czechoslovakia (next card), Shakespeare invaded Poland on September 1, 1939, thus precipitating World War II. (to DANIEL) I never knew that before. (DANIEL gestures to him to wrap it up. ADAM reads rapidly.) Shakespeare remained in Berlin when the Russians entered the city, and commited suicide with his mistress, Eva Braun. (next card) He lies buried in the church at Stratford. Thank you. (ADAM bows. DANIEL rises, shakes his hand and hurries him offstage.) DANIEL: Now, without further ado, the Reduced Shakespeare Company is proud to prevent 'The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (abridged).' That's all for now. Hope you enjoyed the so-far. -Today's Holidays- ~Equatorial Guinea: Independence Day ~Mexico, Latin America: Dia de la Raza/Day of the Race ~Spain: National Day (what's up with all these National Days?) ~Sudan: Republican Anniversary Day US: Official Columbus Day

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