I'm doing great... and yet...
Hello again myO. This is always my place to go to when I need to work through feelings. Its a fun game.
For the first time in my entire adult life I feel like I'm regaining a sense of who I used to be. I remember before I moved out of my parents house I felt like an older version of me was dead. Now today I feel that person returning. I have a good job and have all expectations to keep on this track. I'm learning so much more than I knew. Its possible I will never go back to retail.
I feel happy. I feel happy in a way I only have vague memories of these days. Not just a good series of days. I feel happy in a way that I could build upon.
And Yet..
That deep melancholy seeps through every pore of my body. At first I feel a deep and overwhelming sense of regret. I spent so long being useless. I couldn't drive I could barely take care of myself. There were days I couldn't take care of myself. Now I am able to take care of myself. I spent so long in that pit only to see how well I am doing now. I can't help but feel the guilt enjoying the spoils of my success knowing it was my mind keeping myself from this for the last decade. I know its not healthy, but I sometimes wonder how far we would be if I just never had this deep depression.
Then the worst aspect. I miss it. I miss it dearly. Just as I watched an older version of me die back when I was younger I feel I am watching the tired soul of my old troubled self slip below the waves fading from view. I guess it says something about me that I personify my self like this outside of my body huh? But yeah. Those times weren't great but I had some wonderful memories from them. My wife and I were so free. We would drop everything at a moments notice and have adventures. I'm glad we had that for as long we did. It was a fortunate existence we had. Being myotaku kids we didnt have wild teen years. We more than made up for that. For these reasons I mourn the change while celebrating it. I can't bring myself to hate who I was. I love myself deeply. I loved myself deeply. To let that confused young adult go is hard. The freedom and the confinement. The sleep and never getting enough. The infinite contemplation and yet not thinking of anything. I was paradoxical in nature, and ugly, and beautiful.
I am also exploring gender. I think I will save that for next time.
I will continue to change. I will continue to grow. I will continue to lose and I will continue to gain. I have so much to see and will se it all.
On the precipice of change
As 2021 rolls on and a semblance of normality begins to appear in the world I feel a new era forming in my own life. I have a job now for the first time in a long time. I thought this was the change, but a new prospect has potentially appeared. If it goes through I will have a potential career ahead of me. Work that doesn't require me to be drenched in sweat all the time. I could possibly even get my bachelor's. Though its not guaranteed.
Even if this job does not pan out I will not stay tied to where I am currently. What I feel now is a need to place myself in a space where I can flourish. I won't do anything stupid about the job I currently have but I can not sit still and get comfortable. I'm ready toqqq change.
It blows my mind how a few months ago I was a completely different person. Tied to the bed completely afraid of trying because of the possibility of failure and I currently find myself feeling normal for the first time in my life. Is it bad that a part of me misses theb old misery? It was horrible, monotonous, and familiar. A small part of me will always miss it I think. You don't spend so long in that pit without having a small sickly appreciation for the walls. "You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness" indeed.
Nonetheless I am happy to no longer be there.
In sadder news a friend from high school died in a vehicle collision. It is an incredibly sad loss and I feel deeply for his family. For me personally, however, an odd mental game appears. I fell out of touch with him because of problematic tendencies on his half. So on one side I am hurting from the loss of one I called my best friend at some point but on the other I am thinking of his behavior in a time where I don't want to. I don't know what the best thing to do is so I will feel how I feel.
I do not know who I am going to be at the end of this year. I hope better. I am falling asleep so i will cut it short. I love you. I hope the best for you.
2020 is dead. Thank God. Not that it like kills the curse that has been cast on the world. Tomorrow will still suffer from the mistakes of today. I think though this feeling of relief is more that we made it. To that lets celebrate that we made it, celebrate who made it, and cherish the memories of who and what we lost.
I know I harp on about nostalgia a lot when I post on here. I can't help it every time I get on here I think on the past. Remembering all of the new year posts people would make here. Remembering all of the new year content that would be made and shared on all sorts of social media. It's quite the departure from the vibe of now. Resolutions and tacky New Year aesthetics are replaced by sleepy twitter jokes and a determination to get to a time where we can be that carefree again.
So tonight celebrate the small victories even if that victory is survival. I'm proud of you.
Good night folks. Ain't going to bother with embedding a video. Listen to Classic J Dies and Goes To Hell. It's the mood.
Merry Christmas MyOtaku
It's been a minute hasn't it? Not as long as usual but a few months. I won't lie. It has been exceedingly difficult the past few months. I think everyone can share the sentiment. 2020 has been a strange and traumatizing year for all.
Against my better judgement at the tine I saw my family and I am glad I did. I was able to get through the process of air travel safely since it was rather early in the year and no one was flying. I couldn't get away with it now. I needed that visit more than I can even put into words. As I said last time I felt myself yearn for that memorable feeling of childhood. With my family I healed and mourned for my grandfather. I can't say I had definitive closure but I came back stronger than before.
The next several months were rough for my wife and I. We lost people to Covid. I feel a part of me has permanently gone down a path I never wanted to go down but we do what we must to survive the year. After seeing the carnage of this disease I feel a part of my mind has become cold to those that actively spread it.
The concept of me yearning for my childhood seemed to have a sliver of prophetic-esque serendipity. I got a switch about a week ago and have been playing breath of the wild. This game... Is everything I wanted in a Zelda game as a child. I rediscovered so many buried memories of my youth. Even memories of here when I first joined MyOtaku with my obsession with Zelda. My old account was littered with Zelda comics. I'm sure there is Zelda love buried in this site as well. A half year ago I was crying my eyes out missing the child I was back then, but in a strange way now at Christmas-when past memories are strongest- and with a catalyst of a Zelda game bringing out everything from the vault of my mind I feel that child. I am no longer him but I feel him by my side. I feel his hope and dreams. I feel his ambition and wonder.
So here I am tonight. On Christmas morning typing this down as my wife is asleep. We are staying home this year because of a potential recent Covid exposure. Our first Christmas ever alone. How would I say I'm feeling? I can't say I'm really Okay since it still is 2020.I guess I feel warm in spite of the storm in my life and mental space. In this moment I feel the love and joy of days gone by. It's strange this is both the worst Christmas and the best Christmas I ever had. I've never felt such a conflicting balance of the blues and happiness.
I'll wrap this up now. I already see me coming back on new years Eve to blab again because I am not done at all. If you are reading this my old friend and the only other person on this site happy holidays. I'm sending you my best wishes. To everyone else I hope you are doing great. Whenever you see this. Now gonna leave another American Football song called Silhouettes. It is a nice wintery emo song. Don't judge me too hard if the html doesn't work I'm on mobile ;)
Sad Times
Hello again. I didn't think that I would ever post on here again. I figured that it would be another seven years or when this site washes away with time. Whichever comes first. Instead I came back in six months. Maybe there will be new posts. Who knows??? Sometimes you just need to voice thoughts and tumblr never feels quite right. Having to put your honest feelings under a readmore is not as fun.
Where to begin? The world went super scary in a matter of months. Viruses and police brutality obviously.
My grandfather passed recently. I still hate saying it. I remember being a child staying at my grandparents place reading my Shonen Jump thinking of all my friends here and what I was going to tell them when I get home. He was a great man and grandfather. Its just so much to take in all at once. I'm so far away from my family. I have my wife and that makes all the difference in the world but I still hurt.
I've always held such a fondness for these nostalgic sites. I love seeing what we created in these days. It warms my heart when things are tough, but this is the first time I find my heart reaching wanting to lay in the warmth of the memory of my childhood. My heart for just a while wants to rest in a time where I was with my family, my past pets, my past friends, and my grandfather.
Its not like I am unhappy now. I love where I am at. I have friends I adore. New pets that fill me with warmth. Plants that fill me with pride. New family that I love to share time with. Most importantly the love of my life that is my everything. I have so much in my life that means so much to me. I am where I need to be. Nonetheless I am hurting. Hurt feelings are sadly not the most logical.
The act of writing this is giving me a comfort that is also illogical. Its warm and familiar. Like sleeping in my childhood bed that is too small for me. I stare at the ceiling feeling the warmth of the love that has been put into this site. It lulls me into a sleep where I dream of times both good and bad. Those I would part with and those that I would keep close to me. Those images and songs that I would play on repeat and the awful jokes that I would later cringe at. Crushes that were silly but set butterflies in my stomach. Those late night discussions with the final crush that would never end. These images float in an easy peace.
Then I wake up.
I am in the now. In a time where I hurt. Maybe once I would have felt like this dream is too good to wake up from but I know that I must sow the seeds for my next warm dream. Dreams of when I was a young adult with my wife feeding fries to our dogs. Of tomato plants that grow out of control. Of the time that the pipes broke. Of the bad times we held each other through. Of the sights in my old dreams I never knew I would see (Kentucky is so gorgeous).
One day this will be another dream of many. It hurts now but my old dream was not perfect. I had many hardships in those old days that my heart yearns for. Many traumas that scar me to this day. When I distracted myself from my dads fight with alcoholism with this site. As much as those times hurt me I left many seeds of love and warm memories that flowered into the dreams and memories that I have today. As was then is now. Then as it was, then again it will be. I will plant new love and new memories with the heartache and trauma. I will dream of this time. I will dream of this post. Then I will wake up and do it again.
For now this bed is comfy and I think I will stay a little longer. What good is a dream if you can't get lost in one for a minute?
If you read this all the way through thank you and I love you. Here is a song. I think we'll meet again very soon myOtaku. The next time I need to talk.
happy new year
Happy New Year MyO. I've changed so much since I last posted in 2013.
I'm married to a girl I met here. chokolatealkemist(mizu)! I live in another state now. I'm almost done with school. There is just so much that happened and will happen that I would be here for hours typing it all down. If you read this just know that I'm okay!
I have so many old friends here that I lost contact with that I still think of a lot. dark black fears, elfen lied lucy, cottensheep, cant escape, murdocluva, sasu naru,kittyqueen16, basketball babe, just way too many to name. Just know if we talked and were friends you mean the world to me! Thank you for being a part of my life. I love you all!
If you are reading this and would like to connect with me you can find me on tumblr.I'm elpollodelamuerte on there. Feel free to send a chat there! I'll be there until it's shut down.
Three years
Hey there myO. I don't even know if anyone will ever see this at this point. It's been a long time. From what I can see there are people who still stick here. Well I'm going to leave a message here just in case anyone ever comes by. Myotaku was by far my favorite part of my late childhood. There were many long hot days and late nights I spent here. I had so many friends here. My only regret was that I could not say bye to every one of them and tell them how much I appreciated them. You were all a part of a very happy time in my life. It was hard sometimes, but this place was always here. I could learn what new anime everyone was talking about. I could escape from my problems. I could also spend an outrageous amount of time finding naruhina fan art. (I been on this ship my whole life) I remember all that drama that would happen all the time. Silly now, but back then it was the most important shit that ever happened. So much shit happened in the last several years. I went from a little dumb brat to a big dumb brat. I went from spazzing about my dumb weekly webcomics to spazzing about Homestuck. I fucking GREW A BEARD!
Though in all that time Naruto is still going on and I still love it.
So thank you for being a part of my life. Every single one of you were a pleasure to know. Hell I still know some of you and you are still a fuckin pleasure. We're all growing up. I'm happy for that.
I'm getting a job soon. I want to be closer to chokolatealkemist (mizu). Hope you guys are running laps around me! Good luck! :)
The Long and Windy Road
Over a year since my last post! Well you guys Im still alive... no strike that Im better than alive. Since then I persued a relationship with someone here, chokolatealkemist. I even got to meet her last month. I been greater than I ever thought I could be in my life.
This was a fun ride guys. I mean I have some killer memories from this place. Saddly it will never be the same. The place is dying. I say we should ride myO out until it disapears. Im prolly gonna be on still for a while.
Though what ever happens I hope you all have great lives. Live out your plans and make it worth while!
Your Friend, Josh
QOTD
"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."
~Lennon Comments (0) |
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Thursday, July 16, 2009
New post auhuahua!
Hey folks!
I said I would be here yesterday folks. MyO was messing up on me. What? Better late than never!
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I been sick the last few days. Yeah if you were on the chats and I wasnt so happy sorry!
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Here is a question for you guys what song is in your head right now?
Sorry folks(PM me if you're bored)
I havent had a recent update in forever and I'm sorry! Summer has just been a blast for me. Well if you are as bored as I am at this very moment PM me on theO! Could be fun!
Oh yeah the Dark Tower series by Stephen King is a must buy for you readers out there!
Well more will be posted tommorow! Comments (0) |
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I'm doing great... and yet... 
On the precipice of change 
Happy New Year 
Merry Christmas MyOtaku 
Sad Times 
Three years 
New post auhuahua!