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• 2007-04-07
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• Joshua

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• forever
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• naruto,miazaki films, Death Note, Hellsing, Dragon ball
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• to learn the dance THRILLER
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myOtaku.com: joshanime2


Monday, November 29, 2021

   I'm doing great... and yet...
Hello again myO. This is always my place to go to when I need to work through feelings. Its a fun game.

For the first time in my entire adult life I feel like I'm regaining a sense of who I used to be. I remember before I moved out of my parents house I felt like an older version of me was dead. Now today I feel that person returning. I have a good job and have all expectations to keep on this track. I'm learning so much more than I knew. Its possible I will never go back to retail.

I feel happy. I feel happy in a way I only have vague memories of these days. Not just a good series of days. I feel happy in a way that I could build upon.

And Yet..

That deep melancholy seeps through every pore of my body. At first I feel a deep and overwhelming sense of regret. I spent so long being useless. I couldn't drive I could barely take care of myself. There were days I couldn't take care of myself. Now I am able to take care of myself. I spent so long in that pit only to see how well I am doing now. I can't help but feel the guilt enjoying the spoils of my success knowing it was my mind keeping myself from this for the last decade. I know its not healthy, but I sometimes wonder how far we would be if I just never had this deep depression.

Then the worst aspect. I miss it. I miss it dearly. Just as I watched an older version of me die back when I was younger I feel I am watching the tired soul of my old troubled self slip below the waves fading from view. I guess it says something about me that I personify my self like this outside of my body huh? But yeah. Those times weren't great but I had some wonderful memories from them. My wife and I were so free. We would drop everything at a moments notice and have adventures. I'm glad we had that for as long we did. It was a fortunate existence we had. Being myotaku kids we didnt have wild teen years. We more than made up for that. For these reasons I mourn the change while celebrating it. I can't bring myself to hate who I was. I love myself deeply. I loved myself deeply. To let that confused young adult go is hard. The freedom and the confinement. The sleep and never getting enough. The infinite contemplation and yet not thinking of anything. I was paradoxical in nature, and ugly, and beautiful.

I am also exploring gender. I think I will save that for next time.

I will continue to change. I will continue to grow. I will continue to lose and I will continue to gain. I have so much to see and will se it all.
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