Wednesday, March 23, 2022

   Goodbye Felix
I came home from work the other night to the news that a member of my current group chat, Felix, had passed away the night before. He had taken his own life. This floored me. I stood outside my house late at night with my wife (who is also in the group chat) asleep. I was alone.

I deeply care about all of my friends. Our whole group chat is like family to me. We have been together every day for the last two years. They are family to me now. We all share a similar thread of being somewhat outsiders. We bond nightly to jokes and art. We voice chat. Hell, my wife and I are meeting two members next month. They have become as important to us as friends we made on this very site. I love my friends. Not to confuse the concept of love with pure romantic love I hold deep wells of love for platonic friends. They are not my partner but when they have success I cheer them on. I get excited with them. When they are sad I'm there with them in the depths. I want good things and happy endings for all of them. I wish that was the case.

Felix was special. He was not a member of the original group. He was brought in by an OG member and he was quiet for quite a while. Eventually that other member moved on in life but Felix stayed. Over the next two years he would become more confident and shine brighter and brighter every day. The quiet guy turned out to be a very funny and extremely sincere person. His interests could easily be considered worrisome or problematic by some of our more prudish chat members. It was nothing too crazy but it was the kind of thing that before he came on none of us would admit to in fear of being seen as cringe or problematic. When we were all afraid to be ourselves he was himself every day. He never apologized when challenged. He taught us all to be more sincere and to let things go. I've told him this and I will stick to it today. If he wasn't there we would have fallen apart. We were too skittish to survive, but we are a family today because of him.

Those two years with him there were beautiful. He made everyone around him brighter. We watched a few movies as a group. He kicked our asses at scribblio. He would annoy us with his interests to the point where we just HAD TO KNOW more about what he liked. He teased us and we teased him. Though if you were sweet to him he would return that tenfold.

Sometimes I have issues connecting to friends, but occasionally a spark will happen. We had similar personalities.We had similar interests and roots. We were both so into drama. Eventually we would talk more privately. He became my go to person for drama or just chit chatting. While we never bottled the fact that we really liked each other I always held back how much he meant to me. It wasn't just him but everyone in that group. I'm so scared of seeming genuine or seeming like my intentions are romantic. I want to tell all my friends that I love them so much because I do. I want to hug them and tell them that everything is going to be okay when they are sad. I wanted to tell him that I loved him and he was quickly becoming one of the best friends that I ever had. I wanted to tell him that no matter what he could trust me with anything. I never fully went into it because I was afraid I would scare him or make him worried that my intentions were bad.

Now I can not.

That night I broke down and cried. I grieved violently. I broke down to my closest friends and confessed that my love for them was deeper than I could put into words. I told them how wonderful they were. How they mean the world to me and are family. That they could come to me for anything. I told them everything I wish I could have told Felix. I don't want another day to go by where I could potentially lose another friend dear to me without them ever knowing the depths of how much I love and care for them. I can't bear losing another friend that doesn't know that no matter what I will be there for them. I know its survivors' guilt. I know that in an unhealthy part of my mind I blame myself. I think maybe if I gave him one more avenue of help he might have avoided taking the route he did. Maybe if I talked to him after he told us work was stressing him out I could have eased the burden just enough so that he would still be here. Maybe if I was just a better friend I could have saved him. However, I know this is not the case. This is the part of my mind that is trying to will this to not be real. The same part of my brain that says if I focus on his username hard enough his name will light up with a new message, but he is gone.I know he wouldn't want me to punish myself for anything. He loved me too and wants us all to be okay.

In the wake of this tragedy our group chat is in a lot of pain. Hopefully we are healing. We all loved him. We all love each other. We are there for each other. I am in more pain than even when my grandfather passed. I mean we all know our grandparents will pass in our lifetimes if things go the way they mean to, but this was not meant to be. While I am in this pain I will do whatever is necessary to ease the burden of these chat members. I'm a mom friend. I will let them all know that it's going to be okay again one day. My pain does not exceed the love I have for them. I believe in every one of them that we will come out of this okay.

I don't know what happens beyond this life. I like to hope that we do have souls and that we all go to somewhere unknowable in the end. I like to believe that somewhere sometime we can catch up again on all the wild stuff we missed out on with each other. I like to believe that he is watching and that he can hear us. If this is the case this is what I want to tell him.

Thank you for being in my life however brief our time together was. Every moment talking to you was a pleasure. I know I had to deliver a few more stern messages to deliver as my position as a mod but know that my heart was stupidly breaking delivering those messages like that since I was a softy. You were stupidly good at so many games and hearing about your interests and your joy always was a highlight of my day. Your stories were funny and I wish I knew more. Every bit you did where you played a brat had me in stitches. I was looking forward to the day we would get you to Texas with us for a friend meet up. When you shared that selfie with us finally I was so overjoyed that you trusted us that much. You were such a bright light in our chat. I know you said you were naive but your perspective was always well informed.

I'm sorry you went through what you went through. I understood even then that you carried a lot more weight on your shoulders than you ever told us. You were so young and struggled so much. I would have carried your burdens with you but I know you wanted to be a light for the rest of us. I understand. Don't worry about the chat. I will watch over them and help them through this time. We will sing your praise for the rest of our lives no matter where we go or who we become. Rest easy knowing that we all will be okay. I will make sure of that. You can trust me with anything. You made sure that we would be okay to last through something like this.

I love you Felix. I will always love you. The thing with me is if I love a friend that love will never die no matter when we stop talking. You will always be one of my best friends. I would have loved to meet you in person. When our group meets in Texas next month and every time after that I promise we will have a toast to you. No matter how brief our time was, you will always be a part of us. I will never forget you.

Your friend in gossip
Your last place scribblio friend
Your old Mom Friend
Your Partner in Cringe
...
Your Friend

Josh
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