Sunday, January 23, 2005

I got tax return docs in the mail.

I get to file income taxes for the first time in my life. It shouldn't be that difficult for me since i only worked two days (one day, end of pay period. one day beginning of pay period. two checks)..... temp jobs do have an upside to them?


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Saturday, January 15, 2005

   okay so...
Alright so first of all I'm going to present a hypothetical situation and i want people to POST their OPINIONS, PLEASE.

Alright alright i confess. Two not-so-hypothetical situations.

Okay first Non-hypothetical situation presented in a hypothetical form:

You've got a friend who you feel has always been prettier, always had better luck with guys, always been liked better, and you just KNOW she's behind everything that people have done to you since you've been in High School. So naturally, you despise her behind her back.

One would expect at this point for me to write that i have such a friend and therein lies my burden, but in fact it is quite the opposite. I think I /am/ that friend... the one of the two that everyone seems to like more, all of the guys (that she is chasing) seem to want to chase, etc etc. I don't fish for this kind of treatment from those people, and I'm certainly not trying to make her feel inferior on purpose. I don't want to sound conceited, but if she would act a little more desirable instead of being well .... the way she is ... then she'd have better luck with human interaction. I just wish she wouldn't blame me for all of her social failure. It seems that even when I have done little more than exist in the same school as she does, I am making her angry and I don't know why she feels this way.

I can't ask her about it because she's that kind of person who will blow off her temper at you just for beinging it up. She's one of those people that lets something bug her to the point that she can't speak with a civil tongue to the other party, leaving the other party (i.e., me) utterly at a loss as to what is going on. I can't tell her how i feel because it will inevitably boil down to the fact that I am a horrible evil person no matter how much logic i try to use.

I know she's been talking about me behind my back, and it bothers me slightly that she's talking about me to my best of friends. I also gave her credit for being smart enough to know that if she's going to talk smack about me to my best friend, I'm going to find out in less time than it took her to open her mouth. I know she's a smart girl, so i'm wondering if she did it this way on purpose that I might find out? If this is not the case, then she is either not as smart as I gave her credit for, or she is terrible at keeping her frustrations to herself.

She says she has no desire to fight, but her actions and daily threats over petty issues speak louder. She tells my best friend that she despises me, but she will literally bodily remove another friend from the seat beside me before school becuase "she was there first." I don't understand what is going on here and I seriously wish i knew what I have done this time. She's had me called to the school office more than once claiming that I'm behind a good deal of harassment that has been going on, and I don't know how i got this reputation for being so evil. Again, not to sound conceited but I put myself above the antics of writing rude statements about a person on a bathroom wall.

My reputation for being a horrible manipulative delinquent child leads me to Not-So Hypohetical situation number two:

My aforementioned best friend (the one that told me about all of the smack talking going on). His parents despise me. To the point that he is very nearly not allowed to speak to me at all. Like to the point his parents would get a restraining order against me if they had a good reason. One would wonder what I did to deserve this? I dated somebody my friend hates.

My ex and I had a falling out a few nights after we broke up. It was concluded with me injuring myself and leaving physical scars and irreversible emotional damage. I call my friend in tears and tell him what happens. It had been up until now all that my friend could do not to fight with the ex to begin with and i suppose this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

The next day Friend + Ex get into a fist fight, resulting in both of their suspensions.

Okay first of all, i would like to state that yes, i could have done more to discourage my friend from fighting, but i am not my friend's keeper and it is not my responsibility to keep him out of trouble. He's in high school now, and while only a sophomore (yes he's younger than me, i'm a senior), he still took responsibility for his actions. He admits that in the end it was his decision and does not hold me at fault. The school talked to me and doesn't blame me either.

His parents blame me for everything.

Apparently their idea is that I called him that night and told him to beat my ex up. which i did not. Their idea is that I manipulated him into whatever happened (i didn't even see the fight! It was over me and i DIDNT EVEN SEE IT!). THey now despise me and my name is taboo in their home. I'm not welcome to visit any time, and he'snot even allowed to come here to visit me. If i see him or talk to him it must be in school. His parents now also think i am a slut, in the idea that they will not leave hiim alone with me becuase they think that i will manipulate him into having sex with me. Never mind that I have a boyfriend that i love more than life, and never mind that i have religious and personal morals that state that I will not have sex with anyone until the day i wear that person's wedding ring.

I am a strong believer in chastity before marriage and fidelity after. And while some of my actions earlier in my life don't agree with this, I am also a strong believer in loyalty to your significant other. And mine has yet to give me a reason not to be.

So are these people right in profiling me? Me, as a (dare i use the label?) pseudo-goth (not exactly goth but i've been looking into it), are they justified in stereotyping me as being heartless and cruel? Promiscuous and manipulative? and for the love of all that i hold dear, do i really have the right to complain at all? Or have I brought all of this upon myself?
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Monday, December 27, 2004

   i really don't update that much
I'm really not that good at updating these things. I don't like not knowing when people read me and just didn't choose to leave comments or what. I also usually have problems starting these things. I guess it just dawned on me that I have absolutely no life whatsoever to the point that when I can't find anything to do, I sit here and tell a bunch of people who don't know me about the going on in my heart and mind.

I hope someone got something out of that becuase I feel stupid already. But hey at least I got started and that's the important part, I guess.

And I keep backspacing to things i didn't capitalize that should be capitalized and I really don't think im going to care about capitalization OR punctuation becuase the backspace key is starting to get on my nerves as often as I use it. shift kinda pisses me off too. at least today anyway.

so the real reason im updating here is because well. i'm having problems with me lately i guess. or maybe it's just today or maybe everyone else is just a bunch of asshats and i'm right and not overreacting. but every person i try to talk to today seems to be acting like an asshat. and it's not just today, it was yeserday too.

before I forget i would like to interject that i hope everyone had a nice holiday, mine was lovely. for the most part. but that's not what this is about so on with what it /is/ about... which im not really sure myself...

i guess i miss robbie. he's on his way to kentucky tonight and i miss him so much. i wanted to be with him today so much, and it really is starting to seem like i'm only lonely when he's gone. i haven't felt lonely like this in a really long time, and i can't exactly pinpoint the type of loneliness i feel so I cannot be sure that it is his absence that is causing me to feel this way. i'm starting to feel like the girlfriend that I used to be, the kind of girl that was so obsessed with her boy (i typed 'bot' the first time ...) that she can't stand to be away from him so she's always all over him all fo the time, anbd as much as he says I'm not, i feel like i am. I always want him to be touching me, and i kiss him every chance i get.

i do not want us to become the couples you see in public that can't keep their hands off of each other. I want us to be the couple that we always were, even before we became a couple.

i said about us the other night that I thought we had skipped the dating part and gone straight from friends to marriage, due to the way we acted together. we reminded me of a newlywed couple, always holding hands and looking at each other with loving eyes, etc. But i think he said it best. we didn't skip the dating stage, we just didn't realize we were going through it.

I think my relationship with him is one of the deepest, most expressive things I have ever had the joy of experiencing. the magnificent beauty i feel when we're together is positively celestial, it's so hard to explain. our hands speak volumes of us, even when they're the only things touching. not only do i have the most immense love for /him/ i could give, but I love /us/. WE are the part of the relationship that makes it a relationship.

people always tell each other that they love each other .... and while I love him more than anything... it's /us/ as a relationship that I am in love with. that is the beautiful part is how close we let ourselves become emotionally .... even before we became "involved" as such.

I think talking has made me feel less lonely. it's a shame i don't do this very often. I used to do it all the time, and it would rock if i could get back into the habit of writing online.

So I'm moving into my sister's old room sometime before the end of the school year. so i have to clean up all of my junk, wait for my parents to clean all of her remaining junk and get it out of the room, so i can clean stuff off in there. Then i get to move my furniture in and reconnect my electronics. I'm really looking forward to moving in there. I'm going from a small, one window bedroom to a bigger two-window bedroom with a lot more floorspace. this is exciting for me, exciting enough to make me actually clean up the crap in my room.

Anyway, I'm currently a bit sick. did you know that burning incense clears sinuses? well it does. but as I have a limited amount of incense, i am currently dousing my insides with fluids and have one of those vaporizer plug-in thingies plugged into my wall. I'm hoping to be semi-well before friday, as it's new year's and I'll be damned if robbie's mother finds an excuse NOT to let her son give me a newyear's kiss. she is so protective of him, and i don't blame her.... but to tell the truth, he'd still be perfect even without her protectiveness :).

And I just had a talk with a person that made me feel better about everything.

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