Saturday, December 11, 2004

   holiday stress
i think parents are really really dumb. like dumb in the dumb way. for real.

I thought it would be really nice and special if I could make christmas presents for everyone this year, instead of just going out and buying them. My dad is cynical about it becuase he doesn't think that it's possible for me to get it done by christmas.

I'm starting to agree with him but what am I supposed to do with as little money in my pocket as I have and the fact that they took out the arts and crafts store I was going to go to? I am starting to get some more ideas but I'm going to have to make a list this time becuase i fear if I don't I'm going to leave somebody out...

I would adore a job this season. I'm starting to wonder if I need to go find someone to babysit for or something. Something I will be able to do without having to drive because OH YEAH. my dad won't let me get a steady actual job until my own car is fixed and reliable.

I really wish he would realize that I NEED MONEY TOO. I hate asking him for money becuase that means I have to work for him to make it up and nothing personal but I hate having a dad for a boss.

*skips off to make a list*

ja!
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Tuesday, November 30, 2004

   This is really long.
HELP.

What? I don't know, really. But I need to talk to somebody. That's going to be quite a difficult task, however, because I don't exactly know how to explain what is going on. The first thing I will say is i have a realy bad feeling in my stomach.... you know, the nervous kind when something bad is about to happen? But that's just it. I don't feel like something is about to happen; I feel like something is happening.

This came on all of a sudden, only today. I spoke to a friend of mine and he suggested I post it. So thiat's what I have decided to do about this.

I feel as if I've blacked out for a few days and gone out and screwed up my life, and only just today come back to my mind and realized what happened... only I didnt black out. Or screw anything up, but the thing is ... I /feel/ like I did, and I don't know where it's coming from. I was sitting here crying a bit ago, and that was all of a sudden too... just me feeling awful for no reason, and i thought I might cry so I did. It only lasted for a few minutes but I wish that i still was becuase while it didn't feel good to cry, it felt like the thing to do ....

I think now is a good time to interject that I used to hurt myself physically. All the time. And when I say used to, I don't mean years ago ... I mean as recently as the beginning of autumn. I'm on myway to being 18 and I don't know what to d owith myself at the moment. I think i might go to a psycologist becuase i just don't know what a more appropriate thing to do would be ... but as for the self-injury, I pulled out of that sort of behavior. Very recently and cold-turkey at that.

I somehow get the feeling that stopping that sort of behavior on one's own, without medical or religious aid could be a factor in my feeling so numb and shaky like this. My hands aren't shaking right now but i feel cold.

And I think that if I were to go to a psychologist he or she would only tell me that it's teenage angst, because well, I feel like I'm faking, and part of me has asked myself if I am faking all of these angsty depressive feelings ... and I don't think it's a good thingif you can't even identify if you're feeling something real or not.

ANyway that was quite long and babbly, and any input from the outside that I can get would be very much appreciated. I've been told by more than one person that I need medication .... but I've always viewed people on medication as .... very near hopeless, and I feel quite a bit in my right mind, or as close to being in my right mind as my insane little self will let me be.

i dont know i just ..... i am tired tired tired and i dont know what i'm tired of or if i'm tired of anything or if I'm just tired and need to go to bed. but at the same time I can't go to bed becuase there's so much for me to be doing ... but there's so much I can't do. or won't do. or can't bring myself to do. God.
So all I can really do is sit here and type all of this out.

And please, people who reply. Don't tell me to focus on other, positive things. i dont know its not really that i'm focusing on negative things... its more like i'm not focusing. i cant focus. i won't focus. "focus what's that ...." type thing. i've tried to focus on things i just end up drifting out of it and getting that horrible messed up feeling in my somach again and not being able to do anything because the urge to cry is too strong.

I've been told to "Read, write, draw, paint, run, sports, shop, watch a movie, go out with friends, talk to friends, play games of some kind, involve your self in something... like a job... " I do all of these things except for playing sports (I'm not athletic) and I'm forbidden to get a job until I get my car fixed. PLease "Focusing on other things" is not the solution here.

I need to figure out what is.
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