Monday, December 27, 2004

   i really don't update that much
I'm really not that good at updating these things. I don't like not knowing when people read me and just didn't choose to leave comments or what. I also usually have problems starting these things. I guess it just dawned on me that I have absolutely no life whatsoever to the point that when I can't find anything to do, I sit here and tell a bunch of people who don't know me about the going on in my heart and mind.

I hope someone got something out of that becuase I feel stupid already. But hey at least I got started and that's the important part, I guess.

And I keep backspacing to things i didn't capitalize that should be capitalized and I really don't think im going to care about capitalization OR punctuation becuase the backspace key is starting to get on my nerves as often as I use it. shift kinda pisses me off too. at least today anyway.

so the real reason im updating here is because well. i'm having problems with me lately i guess. or maybe it's just today or maybe everyone else is just a bunch of asshats and i'm right and not overreacting. but every person i try to talk to today seems to be acting like an asshat. and it's not just today, it was yeserday too.

before I forget i would like to interject that i hope everyone had a nice holiday, mine was lovely. for the most part. but that's not what this is about so on with what it /is/ about... which im not really sure myself...

i guess i miss robbie. he's on his way to kentucky tonight and i miss him so much. i wanted to be with him today so much, and it really is starting to seem like i'm only lonely when he's gone. i haven't felt lonely like this in a really long time, and i can't exactly pinpoint the type of loneliness i feel so I cannot be sure that it is his absence that is causing me to feel this way. i'm starting to feel like the girlfriend that I used to be, the kind of girl that was so obsessed with her boy (i typed 'bot' the first time ...) that she can't stand to be away from him so she's always all over him all fo the time, anbd as much as he says I'm not, i feel like i am. I always want him to be touching me, and i kiss him every chance i get.

i do not want us to become the couples you see in public that can't keep their hands off of each other. I want us to be the couple that we always were, even before we became a couple.

i said about us the other night that I thought we had skipped the dating part and gone straight from friends to marriage, due to the way we acted together. we reminded me of a newlywed couple, always holding hands and looking at each other with loving eyes, etc. But i think he said it best. we didn't skip the dating stage, we just didn't realize we were going through it.

I think my relationship with him is one of the deepest, most expressive things I have ever had the joy of experiencing. the magnificent beauty i feel when we're together is positively celestial, it's so hard to explain. our hands speak volumes of us, even when they're the only things touching. not only do i have the most immense love for /him/ i could give, but I love /us/. WE are the part of the relationship that makes it a relationship.

people always tell each other that they love each other .... and while I love him more than anything... it's /us/ as a relationship that I am in love with. that is the beautiful part is how close we let ourselves become emotionally .... even before we became "involved" as such.

I think talking has made me feel less lonely. it's a shame i don't do this very often. I used to do it all the time, and it would rock if i could get back into the habit of writing online.

So I'm moving into my sister's old room sometime before the end of the school year. so i have to clean up all of my junk, wait for my parents to clean all of her remaining junk and get it out of the room, so i can clean stuff off in there. Then i get to move my furniture in and reconnect my electronics. I'm really looking forward to moving in there. I'm going from a small, one window bedroom to a bigger two-window bedroom with a lot more floorspace. this is exciting for me, exciting enough to make me actually clean up the crap in my room.

Anyway, I'm currently a bit sick. did you know that burning incense clears sinuses? well it does. but as I have a limited amount of incense, i am currently dousing my insides with fluids and have one of those vaporizer plug-in thingies plugged into my wall. I'm hoping to be semi-well before friday, as it's new year's and I'll be damned if robbie's mother finds an excuse NOT to let her son give me a newyear's kiss. she is so protective of him, and i don't blame her.... but to tell the truth, he'd still be perfect even without her protectiveness :).

And I just had a talk with a person that made me feel better about everything.

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