Friday, November 4, 2005

heh ...
well things are alot better today ... my friend brought like four energy drinks today to school ... omfg ... we both drank two ... we almost got suspended sooo many times ... its the greatest drink ever though ... it tastes nasty ... but if you drink it fast and dont let it touch your toungue ... ohhh the results are awsome ... heres a pic if you wanna try it this is it ...



i love it ... seriously i was so happy and hyper aaaall day long ... awsome ...

~ Juugatsu


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Thursday, November 3, 2005

' im fine ... im okay ... '
as the thunder and lightning roar ...
i can remember all of the doctors ...
telling me im okay and im fine again ...
the same as all those days it rains today ...
the sky looks the same as before ...
and my voice is just as horse with hurt ...
the whispers are still taunting me ...
and goddamn if the dreams were ever worse ...
i keep cutting deeper and deeper ...
and my fucking father has ulcers ...
i go days waiting to finally cry to sleep ...
from my mouth i would not speak of it ...
but you can probably hear me in my slumber ...
i wish all the images would leave my head ...
of all those that i care for so hurt ...
i think everythings killing my insides ...
i really think im dieing here because ...
again i am physically hurt from mental stress ...
i can feel myself breaking down ...
slowly enough becuase i must suffer ...
i am for sure this is whats happening ...
but everyone keeps saying i am fine ...
even nurses are saying it for good measure ...
so i am really not afraid now ...
mabey i am alone but thats all okay ...
cause im in hell so ill find someone soon ...
i try to stay sober but i begin to fade ...
please stop saying im fine and im okay ...
just please god tell me how to get that way ...

10/31/05

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

... have you ever felt like everything everyone around you was feeling was all your fault .... that you are the reason everyone keeps cutting and thinking of endind it .... lately i feel so guilty that i cut and starve myself .... sometimes with out even realizing it .... like i have to punish myself .... its not so big a deal that i cut .... i have been sense i was eleven .... but i keep cutting deeper and deeper .... i dont stop untill i cut so deep and so many times that my arm or shoulder or stomach or wherever i have cut is completely numb ... and it doesent bleed anymore .... and i cant sleep ... i havent slept in a while ... i just kind of lay there .... and i keep thinking .... that only makes me cut more .... when i do sleep i awake from tears out of nightmares i dont think i can take much longer ..... i wanted to only talk about this with one person ..... but suddenly that person seems to have left .... and i am all alone again ..... i dont really know where to turn to ... but i knew if i didnt say something i would end up in the hospital ..... i just keep thinking that .... i just cant think of anything but suicide when thats what everyone around me craves so much .....


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