Friday, January 7, 2005

   computer hate!!!

I'm sorry to all the people who I'm dissapointing by not being on lately. All though there has been a lot of talk (especially in my poems) about suicide but I swear that I haven't killed myself. and I won't (I'd delete my site first thank you!!) :P. Well I love all my frinds and I won't be on for a while again so those who will worry, (a.k.a. no one) I haven't killed myself. Love you all.

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Monday, December 27, 2004

Christmas blues

i hate christmas. i know what your probably thinking. "how could you?!!" but i have a damn good reason. i spent most of Christmas locked in my house. the damn snow storm blocked my every way of leaving. my mom was at work on Christmas which pissed me off royaly!! but this year isnt the only bad one. last year, my dad was sick in the hospital until December 30. it sucked. they lost him twice on the operating table. and the years before last my parents were always working. so; my parents always at work, almost loseing my dad forever, and my mom not being here. THIS TIME OF THE YEAR ALWAYS MAKES ME CRY!!! and ask Reoku, its hard to make me cry. this world sucks. most of the people in it suck. hardly anyone in this cold dark place has a heart!! none of my friends like me right now except for Reoku and i think teh muffin. i havent been able to talk to anyone forever since my computers been down. and im useing Oma's net conection to get online. CHRISTMAS IS OVER RATED!!! *cries* im even madder since i fell in love. but i dont believe in love so it cant be true. plus he lives in New York and was visiting his dad who is a friend of my moms parents. hes the only guy (whos not stalking me) that called me hot to my face (acually at all) and he was the nicest guy i've ever met!! SOMEONE JUST KILL ME NOW!! plus he has a girlfriend. im so going to kill myself (yeah right)!!! a guy isnt worth killing yourself over. i just cant handle life right now. i might not be on for a while. but dont worry im still alive. i just need time to get my thoughts together. who knows, maybe i'll get bored and get on again tomorrow. i just dont know and dont really care right now. BTW Reoku, plz dont put posts on my site. it bothers me. im not mad im just... i dont know. but im something for once in my life. here goes a poem. Darkness Life leaks through the cracks in the floor. A new day arrives. The world welcomes the life. But it has no means of respect or careing. It doesnt care about the sick amoung the pure. The weak amoung the strong. I dont know if i could either. But i try. For the sake of friends who dont even seem to care. They seem to have given up on me. I KNOW IM WORTHLESS!! BUT WHY MUST YOU, OF ALL, SHUNE ME?!! I know im not the strongest. The best. The fastest. Im nothing to be truthful. Im just a faint dot on this earth. A faint drift from your own life. Mine isnt much different. But my own insecurities make me believe im nothing. I dont even believe myself anymore. I'd just assume die. Can you relate? Could you spare the time to care for a lost soul? A soul as lost and cold as mine. I breath out and lose more of what i never thought i had. Air... The purest of all things. Before it was tainted by the dark. Tainted by humanity. I dont mean to sound vague. I dont mean to sound sad. I just want you to see how we all are. Most of us feel this. Most of us hide it. I used to be able to hide it well. But i guess that the pure soul of a child can do that. The pure soul... The one i never had. The one most never had. And they never will. Most of you are like me. You dont know where you belong. You just know, You know that somewhere out there, There is a place of acceptance. A place... So very hard to find... I wanted to seek it out. I wanted to find this "paradice" they speak of. This world... It has no idea... No clue... Whats around the bend for it... The distruction caused by humanity. Caused by the one thing everyone says i dont have. I want this world to accept... To accept me and all the rest like me!! For who we are... What we will be... What we could help them with is unthinkable. Unbelieveable. But now i must go. And face the bitter ending. The only thing i have to look forward to... A long life... Of sadness, hate, sorrow, and pain. Goodbye world. Goodbye, and good luck.

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Saturday, December 25, 2004

   To Kaatje from Reoku-Himura

this on hopes to get to talk to you on sunday at least ;.; she miss you Katrina! And this one hopes you are ok. she borrowed this pick ^^ she thought it was sooooooo cute This one wishes you a very merry christmas!! -reoku-

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Thursday, December 23, 2004

SESSHOMARU!

Blind date with a hot anime guy ^.^ by Originality Name Age Lucky Number Favorite color Date === Where the date is Arcade First thing date says to you "Hiya!" Last thing date says to you "ACK!! SQUIRREL!!" Quiz created with MemeGen!

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

   Reoku

how could you call Tabetha a liar? she said all that because she loves you and she cares about your safety. AND YOU GO OFF AND START YELLING AT HER!!!!? i did tell her about what Lamango said in the CZ. you werent in the same room but he came back to your kitchen and said "i just love scareing off noobs. THAT WAS RIGHT AFTER HE SAID THAT!!! you have no right to yell at her! she was just trying to help you. and she doesnt have any boy troubles!! chris is just an idiot!! you had Tabetha crying her eyes out last night. at first i wanted to at least say hi when i saw you were on but after Tab read me that convo. i didnt much feel like saying anything to you. in a way i was kinda relieved when i saw that you werent on the net when i got on.im still your friend but im sick of you treating my sister like crap. AND IT ENDS NOW!!! i mean it!

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Tuesday, December 21, 2004

wow. sexy... lol thats the funniest thing i've ever heard!! XD

Your tears are a grayish, misty shade of cyan. Also known as mysterious tears. You are a loner. When around people, you feign the personality of a sweet, shy, timid one, but inside, shadows lurk. Each one of your tears is packed with wonder and suspense. You are sexy and seductive, and tend to be quite sly. Your life is a Nancy Drew book. What Color Are Your Tears brought to you by Quizilla

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Monday, December 20, 2004

the world is cold

this place is nothing but a series of unhappy endings. the world is cold. theres nothing we can do about it but live in this place of hate. I HATE ALL WHO ARE EVIL!! all they want me to do is cry. well i hope they're happy!!! *cries* i dont believe that people can be so cruel. they all must die. but do i have courage enough to kill them? no. they cant die. that only proves that im no better than they are. i hate them and want them dead. i want them to suffer as i do everyday at they're expense. but i wont make it happen. i cant. im not that soulless. no matter how i try to make myself and everyone around me believe it. i only wanted it to end. i dont believe anyone should suffer as i did. and as i do. life is so unfair and unreal. the world is crumbling at my feet. and i feel so responsable. WHY THE HELL MUST YOU ALL TORTURE ME? i just want to be left alone! is that so fucking much to ask?! why the hell do they have to torture me for it?! i want you to all see that im not so worthless!! everyone will die at my exspense. i just want to stop crying!! someone come and stop my tears. someone come and tell me that they care about me. someone please look over my difference from you and love me!! im so hated! i hate them all for it! i want them all to die!!!

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Sunday, December 19, 2004

   Post

...Haha Trina you left your password on. Idget. -The tills...

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FWEE results!!

I: Your Beauty lies in Sadness. Lonely, depressed and feeling broken. For whatever reason, you see this world only for the bad that it holds carrying the burdens of yourself and others. Some people like to be with you and your unique vantage point when they are down, you are someone who can sympathize with them. But you find yourself alone again when they seem to find a solution and are happy again, yet you still are stuck in this rut. Do not worry, you will make it out at some time. Everyone does, if you try. When you are seen all others want to do is make your pain go away, but that is something only you can do. You probably keep to yourself a lot and don't like to let people in, afraid to be hurt again. You feel empty and helpless and your looks reflect that, often seen with tears in your eyes. Some Things That Represent You: Element: Dark, Earth Animal: Robin Color: Grays, Blacks, Dark Colors Song: Tourniquet by Evanescence Expression: Tearful Frown Gemstone: Aquamarine Mythological Creature: Spirit, Gargoyle Planet: Mercury Hair Color: Blue-Black Eye Color: Gray Quote: "Am I too lost to be saved?" Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::.. brought to you by Quizilla

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   everyone tells me this poem is intense. LETS SEE!!! :D

Memories of Liberation I find my heart. And rip it from whats left of myself. My soul was raped and taken from me. Turned black and empty with hate. All i can do is cry. As i wait to die. I'll do it again! The knife is in my hand! This time it wont be the wrist. My throat is clean and open. I will die. I'll finally kill myself. I wanted it so badly. The knife to my neck. You stopped me once. You held my hand. Said you loved me. You'll never leave me. Do i love you? Will i stop myself from leaving you? I remember your hand in mine. Your soft kiss. It's now or never! I must do it now! A small line of blood, As the knife begins to sink in. Your still in my mind. I fall to the floor and begin to cry. I realize i still love you. And i drop the knife.

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