Monday, December 27, 2004

Christmas blues

i hate christmas. i know what your probably thinking. "how could you?!!" but i have a damn good reason. i spent most of Christmas locked in my house. the damn snow storm blocked my every way of leaving. my mom was at work on Christmas which pissed me off royaly!! but this year isnt the only bad one. last year, my dad was sick in the hospital until December 30. it sucked. they lost him twice on the operating table. and the years before last my parents were always working. so; my parents always at work, almost loseing my dad forever, and my mom not being here. THIS TIME OF THE YEAR ALWAYS MAKES ME CRY!!! and ask Reoku, its hard to make me cry. this world sucks. most of the people in it suck. hardly anyone in this cold dark place has a heart!! none of my friends like me right now except for Reoku and i think teh muffin. i havent been able to talk to anyone forever since my computers been down. and im useing Oma's net conection to get online. CHRISTMAS IS OVER RATED!!! *cries* im even madder since i fell in love. but i dont believe in love so it cant be true. plus he lives in New York and was visiting his dad who is a friend of my moms parents. hes the only guy (whos not stalking me) that called me hot to my face (acually at all) and he was the nicest guy i've ever met!! SOMEONE JUST KILL ME NOW!! plus he has a girlfriend. im so going to kill myself (yeah right)!!! a guy isnt worth killing yourself over. i just cant handle life right now. i might not be on for a while. but dont worry im still alive. i just need time to get my thoughts together. who knows, maybe i'll get bored and get on again tomorrow. i just dont know and dont really care right now. BTW Reoku, plz dont put posts on my site. it bothers me. im not mad im just... i dont know. but im something for once in my life. here goes a poem. Darkness Life leaks through the cracks in the floor. A new day arrives. The world welcomes the life. But it has no means of respect or careing. It doesnt care about the sick amoung the pure. The weak amoung the strong. I dont know if i could either. But i try. For the sake of friends who dont even seem to care. They seem to have given up on me. I KNOW IM WORTHLESS!! BUT WHY MUST YOU, OF ALL, SHUNE ME?!! I know im not the strongest. The best. The fastest. Im nothing to be truthful. Im just a faint dot on this earth. A faint drift from your own life. Mine isnt much different. But my own insecurities make me believe im nothing. I dont even believe myself anymore. I'd just assume die. Can you relate? Could you spare the time to care for a lost soul? A soul as lost and cold as mine. I breath out and lose more of what i never thought i had. Air... The purest of all things. Before it was tainted by the dark. Tainted by humanity. I dont mean to sound vague. I dont mean to sound sad. I just want you to see how we all are. Most of us feel this. Most of us hide it. I used to be able to hide it well. But i guess that the pure soul of a child can do that. The pure soul... The one i never had. The one most never had. And they never will. Most of you are like me. You dont know where you belong. You just know, You know that somewhere out there, There is a place of acceptance. A place... So very hard to find... I wanted to seek it out. I wanted to find this "paradice" they speak of. This world... It has no idea... No clue... Whats around the bend for it... The distruction caused by humanity. Caused by the one thing everyone says i dont have. I want this world to accept... To accept me and all the rest like me!! For who we are... What we will be... What we could help them with is unthinkable. Unbelieveable. But now i must go. And face the bitter ending. The only thing i have to look forward to... A long life... Of sadness, hate, sorrow, and pain. Goodbye world. Goodbye, and good luck.

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