Thursday, July 21, 2005

   more jokes
The House Wife's Lament

I'm just a little housewife, with dishes three times a day,
With laundry, and cleaning and cooking and toys to put away.

Now it's not that I mind the housework, or the screming kids at play,

It's the husband that burns me, When he says with a smile.

DID YOU DO ANYTHING TODAY??!!?

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>Subject: True Medical Moments
>
>A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
>the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
>dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that
>there were several cabs-I was in the wrong one.
>
>Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
>
>
>At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
>slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.. "Big breaths," I
>instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient
>
>Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
>
>
>One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
>husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
>minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
>had died of a "massive internal fart."
>
>Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
>
>
>I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
>I placed the patient twenty fe et from the chart and began, "Cover your
>right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your
>left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was
>silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned
and
>
>discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing
>there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the
>exam.
>
>Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
>
>
>During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist,
>he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
>medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to
put
>on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put
>it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't
>see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the
>instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new
one.
>
>
>Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
>
>
>While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
>have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
>answered... "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was
alive."
>
>
>Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
>
>
>I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your
>breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly.
>I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then
>asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
"KY
>Jelly."
>
>Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
>
>
>A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with
>purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
>tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
>determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled
>for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrob ed on the
>operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
>green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
>Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
>patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
>
>
>and Finally . . ..
>
>A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed
>performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had
>unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady
>upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
>from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She
>replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was
>an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
>
>-- Dr. wouldn't admit his name
>

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Female Comebacks!
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
> > >> Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
> > >>
> > >> Man: Is this seat empty?
> > >> Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
> > >>
> > >> Man: Your place or mine?
> > >> Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
> > >>
> > >> Man: So, what do you do for a living?
> > >> Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
> > >>
> > >> Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
> > >> Woman: Do not enter.
> > >>
> > >> Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
> > >> Woman: Unfertilized
> > >>
> > >> Man: Your body is like a temple.
> > >> Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
> > >>
> > >> Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
> > >> Woman: But would you stay there?
> > >>
> > >> Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
> > >> Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
> > >>
> > >> Now you have to forward this to at least 3 of your girlfriends
> > >> or bad luck will follow

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I was a receptionist at a carniologist office. On an afternoon maybe a week ago, a man came in [he was well dressed] and said he was from the funeral home and came to pick up a death certificate. He stood at my desk in the waiting room, picked up his documents, and as he was leaving the lobby, full of heart patients he waves and says, "See you later."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A little boy had gotten a shiny new red bike for christmas and was riding it around in his neighbor. When he came up to a crosswalk, a policemen riding on a horse came up beside him, smiling.
"That's a nice bike kid, did santa give it to you?"
"Oh yes," said the kid.
"Well," said the policemen, "next time tell santa to put refectors on that new bike, I'm giving your parents a hefty ticket."
The kid looked at the horse that the policemen was riding on.
"That's a nice horse, did santa give it to you?" said the little boy.
"Ah, yea," chuckled the policemen.
"Well, next time tell santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it."

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Teachers gift


As the end of the year rolls around, a kindergarten teacher starts getting presents from the children in her class.

First, a little girl whose father owns the meat shop in town hands her a box.

The teacher shakes it and says, “I bet it’s some beef jerky.”

“It is!” the girl cries.

Then a little boy whose father owns a local candy store hands her a box.

The teacher shakes it and says, “I bet this is some candy.”

“Yes, it is!” the boy squeals.

Finally, a boy whose dad owns a liquor store comes forward. As the teacher takes the present, she notices it’s leaking.

After tasting a drop from the box, she says, “I bet it’s white wine.”

“No,” the little boy says.

So the teacher puts a few more drops into her mouth. “It’s champagne, right?” she says.

“Nope!” the little boy cries, happy that he has fooled his teacher.

“I give up,” she says. “What is it?”

The little boy shouts, “It’s a puppy!”

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M&M's


A little boy and girl go trick or treating.

They knock on the door of a house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?"

"We're Jack and Jill," the girl replied.

The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently.

They ring the door bell and once again and the man opens the door.

"Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel," says the little boy.

"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!"

Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again.

This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED.

"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now!?" he asks.

"Chocolate M & M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."

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If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :
"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't." "

No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "

Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"


--------------------------------------------------------------

This is so good . . .


Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!

To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you agree, pass it on.


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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he
could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was
fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John
shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in
desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.


Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.


The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.


I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."


John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird continued ...


"May I ask what the turkey did?"


HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

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HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cats mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from off of sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve pill from bedroom, and throw soggy pillow away.

Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and to repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vase from hearth. Set them to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow pill down drinking straw.

Check label to see if pill is harmful to humans. Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm, and remove blood carpet with cold water and soap.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Place cat in cupboard. Close door on neck, just allowing head to show. Force cat's mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Get screwdriver from garage. Put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold scotch compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw bloody Tee shirt away.

Call fire department to retrieve damn cat from tree across the street.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence when swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine, and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash pill down.

Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill remnants from right eye.

Make several cell phone calls on the way home: Call furniture shop. Order new table. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

Wrap it in bacon.

Toss in air.

THE END

POLICE #1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said extended foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"


POLICE #2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that your dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"


ELDERLY

While working for the organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailing intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"


DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives to a headache the next morning."


DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of the church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ….. and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"


BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly he picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"


NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old son shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."


OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."


KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," The child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."


MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

NEW Constitution

The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. The guy should run for President….

"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights,."

ARTICLE I:

You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II:

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone – not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be … and like the rest of us you need to simply deal with it.

ARTICLE III:

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful: do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV:

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V:

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.


ARTICLE VI:

You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.


ARTICLE VII:

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still don't have the right to a big screen color TV, pool tables, weight rooms or a life of leisure.


ARTICLE VIII:

You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of part time jobs, education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.


ARTICLE IX:

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness – which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.


ARTICLE X:

This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from. We welcome you here. English is our language and like the one you left behind, we also have a culture. Learn it or go back to the country and the living conditions you were fleeing.

If you agree share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I just think it is about time common sense is allowed to flourish – just call it "The Age of Reason Revisited."

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> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
We rarely get a chance to see another country's editorials about the USA. Read this excerpt from a Romanian newspaper. The article was written by a Mr. Cornel Nistorescu and published under the title
C'ntarea Americii meaning "Ode to America" on September 24, 2002 in the Romanian newspaper Evenimentulzilei "The Daily Event" or "News of the Day":
Why are the Americans so united? They would not resemble one another even if you painted them all one color! They speak all the languages of the world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations and religious beliefs. Still, the American tragedy turned three hundred million people into a hand put on the heart.
Nobody rushed to accuse the White House, the army and the secret service that they are a bunch of losers. Nobody rushed to empty their bank accounts. Nobody rushed out onto the streets nearby to gape about. The Americans volunteered to donate blood and to give a helping hand.
After the first moments of panic, they raised their flag over the smoking ruins, with caps and ties in the colors of the national flag. They placed flags on buildings and cars as if in every place and on ever car a government official, or the president, was passing by. On every occasion, they started singing their traditional song: "God Bless America".
I watched the live broadcast and rerun after rerun for hours listening
To the story of the guy who went down one hundred floors with a woman in a wheelchair without knowing who she was, or of the California hockey player who gave his life fighting with the terrorists and prevented the plane from hitting a target that could have killed hundreds or thousands more of people.
How on earth were they able to respond united as one human being? Imperceptibly, with every word and musical note, the memory of some turned into a modern myth of tragic heroes. And with every phone call millions and millions of dollars were put in a collection aimed at rewarding not a man or a family, but a spirit which no money can buy.
What on earth can unite in such a way? Their land? Their galloping history? Their economic power? Money? Tried for hours to find the answer, humming songs and murmuring phrases with the risk of sounding commonplace.
> I thought things over, but I reached only conclusion…ONLY freedom can work such miracles!
> I thought you might enjoy this, and send it on.




Inspectors in Iraq (funny)

Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have >arrived in Iraq?

They're all men!

How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?

I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake.

A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about her kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to a question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective.

So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?

My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist, and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?"

And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?"

Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the stole of Baghdad.
He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole summer.

Inspectors my eye. You want the job done? Call my mother.

Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.....


> While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

> When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table.
> And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
> All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
> He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
> To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her.......
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."

If You don't laugh at this one there is no hope for your day!!!

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be Shakespearean Play,

The first little boy was to say "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with

The second little boy was to reply by saying “Hark! a pistol shot"

Well on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage
to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.

The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So, the teacher whispered for them to

The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words ......
"My fair maiden. A have come to kiss your snatch... and fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out-. ~"Hark! A shistol pot a postle shiss; a pot of shit, horse shit, cow shit, bull shit.... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway...

The audience left howling.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue… and then you add eggs and sugar… and you get cake? Where did the glue go? You know darn well where it went! That's what makes the cake stick to your BUTT AND THIGHS!!
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during a particular icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same motel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because both had jobs, they find it difficult coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on Thursday, and his wife would follow the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. PS: Sure is hot down here!
== == == == == == == == ==

WORDS TO LIVE BY


Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and you never see that person again, its probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

When everything's coming your way, your in the wrong lane.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry cause it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons:
Some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to love in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today….

== == == == == == == == ==

I OWE MY MOTHER!!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION,
"You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about science and OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTOTTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEGAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have what you have wonderful parents like you do."


16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home!"

17. My mother taught me RECEIVING.
"Your going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
""If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"Your just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my roots.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

== == == == == == == == ==

Even if you don't speak the language you'll understand the message.

A Cowboy's Guide To Life
_________________<>______________________

* Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
* Your Fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
* Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
* Keep skunks and bankers and Lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plough around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered…….net yelled.
* Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Don't sell your mule to buy a plough.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word……
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway……
* Don't squat down with your spurs on.
* Don't judge people by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none
* Timin has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* It's better to be a has-been that a never-was.
* The easiest way to eat is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* If it don't seem worth the effort, it probably ain't.
* It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
* Sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
* If you get to thinin' you’re a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody eles's dog around.
* Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
* Only cows know why they stampede.
* Always drink upstream from the heard.
* If you're ridin' ahead of the heard, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
* You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'till they get thumped.
* Never, Never …… miss a good opportunity to shut up

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE HORMONE WARNING:The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days
in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes
his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as
common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband,
boyfriend, or significant other!


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff And my favourite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might
need a good Laugh!Or men who need a warning.And remember: Money
talks.... But Chocolate SINGS

Phyllis Beck

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Things for Women to say when stressed at WORK!!!!!!

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. UNf**k you.

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

4. Well, aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me . . . I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.


9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and
senseless acts of self-control.

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you
haven't gone to sleep yet.

16. Back off! You're standing on my aura

17. Don't worry, I forgot your name, too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying; some are dead.

20. Wait . . . I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder -- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia -- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic -- Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and..........

Paranoid -- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder -- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder -- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells..........

Agoraphobia -- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Senile Dementia -- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder -- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder -- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

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To My Dear Friends and Family:Something to ponder at this Thanksgiving Season.




One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the
country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live.
They
spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be
considered a
very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the
trip?"

"It was great, Dad."

"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

"Oh yeah," said the son.

"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered:

"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a
creek that has no end.

We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at
night.

Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

We have a small piece of land to live on an! d they have fields that go
beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.

We buy our food, but they grow theirs.

We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to
protect t hem."

The boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen
if
we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about
what
we don't have.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Please
pass this page on to friends and acquaintances to help them refresh
their
perspective and appreciation.

"Life is too short and friends are too few."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kids say...


The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of "Guess
the Animal." The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat.

"Okay, boys and girls," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?"

"I know, I know, it's a cat!" yelled a little boy.

"Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?"

"That's a dog!" piped up the same little boy.

"Right, again. And what about this animal?" she asked, holding up a
picture of a deer.

Silence fell over the class.

After a minute or two, the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint,
children...it's something you're mother calls your father."

"I know, I know," screamed Eddie. "It's a horny bastard!"







Ready to have some fun?

Read the following cat story slowly and attentively...

This is this cat
This was is cat
This is how cat
This was to cat
This is keep cat
This was a cat
This is idiot cat
This was busy cat



Goldfish Death


Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely
asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned.
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because
he's inside your stupid cat"


School Counselor


Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager
to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself
on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a
game of soccer at the other end. Sandy approached and asked if she was
all right. The girl said she was.

A little while later however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same
spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you
like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay,"
looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you
standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"


Tooth Fairy


While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a
glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she
merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe
this!"

Accents


About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with
her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their
relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are
plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we
sound like we talk very slow and all our words are
d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they
hear funny too?"


Coincidence


Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day
and at the same time."


Lesson In Logic


A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He
loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for
help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to
the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"




A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl
in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl
asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl
immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now
Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through -- don't be
upset. It won't be long."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout
for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The
mother said softly, "There, there, Monica, don't cry -- only two more
aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately
began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon
discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said,
"Monica, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then
you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to
compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with
little Monica," he began.

The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no. I'm Monica - my little girl's
name is Tammy."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE DUMB WHEN IT COMES TO COMPUTERS, READ THIS, YOU'LL
FEEL BETTER.

Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is
technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an
exerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key"
to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the
"Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be
the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in
front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard
no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap
and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the
keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid."
The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents.
He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
printer."
The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the
printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power
button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and
sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what
happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power
switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang
for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put
in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to
put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized
that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because
I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show?

How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had
to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too
hard.The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM
drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that
is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and
his printer is working fine."

12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of
the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Five (5) lessons to make you think about the way we treat people.

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady

During my second month of college, our professor
gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student
and had breezed through the questions until I read
the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
cleaning woman several times. She was tall,
dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question
blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if
the last question woul! d count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers,
you will meet many people. All are significant. They
deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
is smile and say 'hello'."

I've never forgot en that lesson. I also learned her
name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American
woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway
trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had
broken down and she ! desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down th e next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally
unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man
took her to safety, helped her get assistance and
put her into a taxicab.

She seemed t o be in a big hurry, but wrote down his
address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a
knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a
giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A
special note was attached..

It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
the other night. The rain drenched not only my
clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying
husband's bedside just before he passed away... God
bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving
others."

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always Remember Those Who Serve

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,
a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and
sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in
front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and
studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the
waitress was growing impatient.

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on
the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice
cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress
came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the
table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,
were two nickels and five pennies..

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had
to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson - The Obstacle in Our Path

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if
anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the
king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by
and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the
King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did
anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of
vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the
peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
! stone to the side of the road. After much pushing
and straining, he finally succeeded. After the
peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed
a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note
from the King indicating that the gold was for the
person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The
peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve
our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When It Counts

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who
was suffering from a rare and serious disease.. Her only
chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness. The doctor explained the situation to her
little brother, and asked the little boy if he would
be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a
deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will
save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in
bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did,
seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his
face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a
trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the< /B>
doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his
sister all of his blood in order to save her.


Now you have 2 choices:

1. Delete this email, or
2. Forward it to people you care about.
I hope that you will choose No. 2 and remember...

Most im portantly...

"Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been
hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching."
------

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding
a

quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The

father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking,

shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman,
in

a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and

sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
puts

her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the

counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the
book

store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold
of

the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and


then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and


coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
and

walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father

rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never
seen

anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a
doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

----------------

Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell
happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-


Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually
shut
her up with cookies.


The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-


I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-


A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your
girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-


My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting
my
head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-


Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-


A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he
can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-


The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-


Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought
half
as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body
starts
falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-


I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me
at
once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-


If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible

warning.
-Catherine-


When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years
before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME
slow!
-Kathy Buckley-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb --
and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-


When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another
country..
-Elayne Boosler-


Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything

done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and
a
career.
-Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his
house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt


Comments (0) | Permalink

   Jokes
OLE &LENA ARE VACATIONING AT THIS POSH RESORT IN DULUTH. OLE GOES INTO THE SAUNA

WHERE TWO FOREIGN BUSINESSMEN WERE SITTING NAKED.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HIS FOREARM AND THE BEEP

STOPPED. OLE LOOKED AT HIM QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SAID THE GERMAN,I

HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE FELLOW LIFTED HIS PALM TO HIS EAR.

WHEN HE FINISHED HE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY

HAND."

OLE FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, HE DECIDED HE HAD TO DO SOMETHING

JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. HE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

HE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HIS BEHIND.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HIM.

OLE PROUDLY EXPLAINED . . .

"VELL BY GOLLY, VILL YA LOOK AT DAT . . . I'M GETTING A FAX"

**************************************************

Subject: WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE


A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner." Good
morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any
money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young
man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too
hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

**************************************************

Subject: Out of the Mouth of Babes


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
**************************************************************
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
***********************************************************

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."

**************************************************
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, ?What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

**************************************************

Subject: The rest of the Story

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into

the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain

himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the

playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to

look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her

shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off! then Aunt Jane......."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting

story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on

Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started

his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with

Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he

helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,

then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill

used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

**************************************************

THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS!




1.) FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

2.) FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

3.) FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

4.) FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

5.) FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out awhile. Better be a
reward.

6.) COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED...Also 1 gay bull for sale.

7.) NORDIC TRACK: $300 hardly used, call Chubby

8.) GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

9.) JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

10.) WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie

AND THE BEST ONE...

11.) FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married last month. Wife knows everything.



**************************************************

Subject: Moral decision making


Subject: Moral Choice

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't

answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you

will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, in which you will

have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet

spontaneous. Thoughtfulness is important for this evaluation to be meaningful!

Ready? Begin!

You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact... There is chaos around you, caused by

a hurricane and severe floods. This is a flood of major proportions. You are a

photojournalist working for a major newspaper caught in the middle of this great

disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling

around you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is showing all its' destructive fury. You see a man in the water! He is

fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away with the water and debris. You

move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly, you know who it is... it's George Bush.
Isn't life ironic? At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to

take him under, forever.

You have two options. You can save him or you can take the most dramatic photos

of your life. You can save the life of President Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer

Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful

men.

Now, here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select color film, or go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

ssw

Comments (1) | Permalink

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

   new neighbors
we have new neighbors. barely here a few weeks. already their cauing trouble! they complained to the city about the fact that our palm trees needed to be trimed up. their liences said their from california. maybe moving to texas they just don't like palm trees. but the city said our grass can't be over 12 inchies. we saw several houses today that the grass was twice as big as ours. ours is no bigger than our neighbors cause the same person mowed both its not but less than and inch tall. they also complained that our yard needed to be cleaned up. well we've been working on that little by little. well my mom has some plants that are long green strips and have sharp pointy ends. she calls them yukas. well one was dead. so she pulled it out intendeing to throw it out later that morning. then later we came out after it had cooled down some. when we came back out, the neighbors took it apon theirselves to pull the other one out of the ground and had the nerve to put it in their trash to prove they pulled it out! my mom got miffed and took the scraps that they left and just threw it on top of the bush they threw it out. well my mom was majorly upset. her theroy is that maybe the neighbors have family and want to force us out so their friends can move in thinking we were renting instead of my mom owning this house. my mom called the city inspector lady which my mom suspects may be related, but she said nothing can be done with them its a civial matter.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Friday, July 15, 2005

   Stupidity
sorry, its been a while. Anyway I just wanted to see if anyone else thinks this is stupid. my friend Angie graduates at the end of this upcomming school year. Well her and her friend Jennie were planning to move in together. Note this time last year it was her and another friend were moving in together. Well now her grandfather is giving her a house to live in while shes in colledge. Well supposedly the house has one big room and two little rooms. Well the both want the big room. angie suggested sharing but jennie wouldn't go for it. I suggested having jennie take both small rooms and also make the second room a spare room. Well now jennie decided she didn't want anything to do with this house. Then angie later tells me that something else supposedly happened and now their breaking off their friendship. since I wasn't told what this aledged other argument was about I'm guessing its still on the house. To me fighting and arguing and breaking up over something that's not even going to happen for another whole year is stupid! she says its simply that her friends been snapping at her more. I've been thinking their acting like little children. 'I'm not saying I'm sorry, I always do now its her turn!' I currently have no friends outside the computer, but seems to me I'd try to help my friend. But I don't know they were talking and friends till this buisness with the house started. I find it hard to belive that something new appeared out of the blue and that's why they broke up.
Comments (1) | Permalink

Friday, July 1, 2005

yugioh cards
Well I get the magazine shonen jump in the mail and I got a god card!! Obelisk the Tormenter!

Its besides the point that I don't know how to play I just find it a little unfair that they wont let you even play it! At the bottom of the card it says this card can't be used in a duel!
Comments (4) | Permalink

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

basketball
we went to kimberly's basket ball game and I was mistaken I thought it was 6 going into 7th grade when it was 5th going into 6th. They're clasified as 6th graders. And we're going up aginast 7th and 8th graders!

Well every game we've done we've slaughtered them. Today it was 48/10!! It was 2:58 on the clock in the 4th last round and the coach calls time to give the girls a rest! Its like yeah that's why we're wiping the floor with you is they are tired!

We were calling the lady ref fang face. But she said it wasn't her fault it was the lady coach on the other side. Kimberly's jersey is too big. So all year long last year and this year she's had it tied right in the back towards the top. all you could see of her number was a 3. The main coachs of both teams and the other referee were both just like let it be! Let's just play! Stop being so damn picky! We had to just untie it. Then during half time after instructions from the coach she came over so we could fix it. by tying the shoulders. We got one tied then the fang face ref was ready to start the game without us even though we still hadn't finished tieing it. They were even calling for her and its like take a chill pill! It was sad the other teams coach wasn't even calling out plays by the last round. Just sitting there accepting defeat!
Comments (1) | Permalink

Sunday, June 26, 2005

bad hair
I asked my mom thurday to cut my hair. she said no she didn't have time. Well today we were suppose to get a perm in my hair. It went to the middle of my back. I wanted it just above my shoulder. she said it was my fault but I was sitting as staight and tall as possible and didn't move. normally she cuts a little at a time. I don't really know what the problem was but next thing I know the back is cut up to my hairline! the rest goes to above my jaw. the perm only shriks it tha much more.

she said she didn't understand what happened. I freaked she'd never done that. she thinks cause its been do long but.

later that afternoon she says she thinks she might have had a stroke sometime yesterday. She said her hand was weak and she couldn't remember what she was suppose to do.

We were going to be late for the hair oppintment but I suggested we eat first. We forgot her purse and had to go all the way back home to get it. She was driving a little fast.

It actually scared me a little. I guess it steams from when she took too much medication and at the time all I knew was she was sick. If I'd known she had too much medicine I'd have taken a cab to go do our job instead of her driving. If you've ever seen a show where a drunk drives half slow backs into things and sometimes slows to look at something. This is what it was that was like.

Even now I sometimes cring when she backs out of the driveway afraid she'll hit the curb across the street.

Today she didn't go over far enough over on a street and had to wait till a median break to get over. Thankfully no cars were comming and that wasn't that scarey but it didn't help much.

I can't wait till I can wash my hair. its like a frizzy fuzball. my mom likes it but I don't! we tell the lady who does my hair to just kind of ring it out and leave it. She has to comb it out and frizz it out!
Comments (2) | Permalink

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

basketball
Sorry, its been so long. But my last post from wednesday for some reason was deleted! Why I don't know. I added it but then I checked back a day or two later and it wasn't there! I'll tell more on what it was about later.

For now I wanted to tell about my niece Kimberly's basketball game. She's consided 6th grade even though she's going into 7th this year. And her YMCA basketball team was playing against 7 & 8th graders. A couple of them were a head or two taller than all of our girls. We were expecting with this being the first game of the year and the fact the players were bigger and stronger than we were to lose. But instead we won 30 to 24!!
Comments (3) | Permalink

Wednesday, June 1, 2005

   Job
I have a job that I clean a resale shop twice a week. Well I just found out today that in mid-august they plan to close the shop! Which puts me out of a job. :(
Comments (1) | Permalink

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

   Opossom
We've been trying to catch the opossoms that live in our attic for a while. So far we've caught 7 and the lady next door caught one. Well we have a big one that we've call mama. well we still haven;t caught her but theres been a baby one that's been able to minupulate the cage so that flap inside that's suppose to trip the locking mechinism. Insitead of it going down it would go up. Well today I tried once again to catch the new one. Its just a little one we call it a baby and finally, finally he trip it and we caught him!! What do we do with them once we catch? Well theres a park that has like a willderness section behind it and we release them there.
Comments (2) | Permalink