Thursday, July 21, 2005

   Jokes
OLE &LENA ARE VACATIONING AT THIS POSH RESORT IN DULUTH. OLE GOES INTO THE SAUNA

WHERE TWO FOREIGN BUSINESSMEN WERE SITTING NAKED.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HIS FOREARM AND THE BEEP

STOPPED. OLE LOOKED AT HIM QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SAID THE GERMAN,I

HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE FELLOW LIFTED HIS PALM TO HIS EAR.

WHEN HE FINISHED HE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY

HAND."

OLE FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, HE DECIDED HE HAD TO DO SOMETHING

JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. HE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

HE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HIS BEHIND.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HIM.

OLE PROUDLY EXPLAINED . . .

"VELL BY GOLLY, VILL YA LOOK AT DAT . . . I'M GETTING A FAX"

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Subject: WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE


A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner." Good
morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any
money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young
man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too
hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

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Subject: Out of the Mouth of Babes


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
**************************************************************
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."

**************************************************
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, ?What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

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Subject: The rest of the Story

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into

the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain

himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the

playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to

look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her

shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off! then Aunt Jane......."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting

story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on

Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started

his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with

Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he

helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,

then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill

used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

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THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS!




1.) FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

2.) FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

3.) FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

4.) FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

5.) FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out awhile. Better be a
reward.

6.) COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED...Also 1 gay bull for sale.

7.) NORDIC TRACK: $300 hardly used, call Chubby

8.) GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

9.) JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

10.) WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie

AND THE BEST ONE...

11.) FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married last month. Wife knows everything.



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Subject: Moral decision making


Subject: Moral Choice

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't

answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you

will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, in which you will

have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet

spontaneous. Thoughtfulness is important for this evaluation to be meaningful!

Ready? Begin!

You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact... There is chaos around you, caused by

a hurricane and severe floods. This is a flood of major proportions. You are a

photojournalist working for a major newspaper caught in the middle of this great

disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling

around you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is showing all its' destructive fury. You see a man in the water! He is

fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away with the water and debris. You

move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly, you know who it is... it's George Bush.
Isn't life ironic? At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to

take him under, forever.

You have two options. You can save him or you can take the most dramatic photos

of your life. You can save the life of President Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer

Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful

men.

Now, here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select color film, or go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

ssw

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