Friday, September 29, 2006

Paul
So. Wow. There's this guy that I'm currently sorta dating right? Well, I've known him for almost five years now... and he's my neighbor. Weird huh? Takes a whole new meaning to the phrase 'the girl [or boy] next door' Anyways, me and him have "tried" going out a few times. I mean, the first time we kissed was amazing... nearly two years ago I think... and then i didn't hear from him for like two, three weeks. he just disappeared. he's my f'in neighbor, and how can he disappear? i dunno, lol. anyways, the next time "us" lasted for about a week. it was great and we had so much fun. we spent most of the night together in my sister's old car. No, not doing anything, just talking and sitting with eachother. it was nice. the most recent time was over summer when we got close again. i was fixin to leave for a week for a music camp and he let me wear his school necklace so that he would be with me and so that everyone would know my heart was with someone <3 After I returned the necklace, we ended up not talking for more than a month... hardly even seeing eachother...

the other day we ran into eachother again. completely randomly. i was walking my dog outside and paul was working outside. we met at the fenceline and just started talkin. we ended up going into my front yard area, sittin on some folding chairs, and just shootin the breeze, catching up and stuff. got to fill him in on some of the things that have changed in my life and him to me. we agreed to meet a lil later in the day cuz i had homework and he had work work so we hugged and parted ways.

Before going outside to see him, i was thinkin 'i shouldn't go out that, cuz something bad that'll be SO GOOD is gonna happen' i laughed at myself. yeah. nothing really bad happened [at that point] we talked, then i kissed him. i couldn't help myself! lol. ANYways. after a lot of... kissing i was like 'i seriously needa go inside' so, we parted again. we both got on AIM... that went REALLY well... wow. oh, we did have a "meaningful" convo over AIM, discussing what we wanted out of this. neither of us really want a bf/gf relationship [or atleast we say we don't, lol] and both agreed that we both really just want someone to go to at the end of the day who cares for us and who we can just lay with [or mess around with :P] well, i'm really just gonna skip over what happened next, but basically we met outside again... for like an hour and a half ;)

Wow, such a great night. And tuesday and wednesday weren't that bad either :) wednesday kinda sucked cuz my mom's bf [who i hate] came back to the house and is staying with us again -- ew. and i ate dinner with my sis corinne and her bf that night too and he treats her and me like shit, which pissed me off. so wednesday i just needed a hug and to talk and chill, so we did. just like we'd agreed. last night [thursday night] i didn't get to see him because i stayed at a friend's house, but we texted of course :) i fell asleep early then woke up at like 1:30am to my phone buzzing. we texted for almost an hour before going back to bed. but can you guess the 'closing' remarks? "I love you" -- o.m.g. i nearly melted.

well today, before school started, i was about to text him 'goodmorning' when my phone vibrates -- it's a message from him. but this one is different... it says "are we too close?" that's it. i was like woah, hey now, how did we get from 'i love you' to 'we're too close'?! i didn't say that. i tried to be understanding and anyways we ended up having a convo bout it. it went something like this a little into it...
'i just want you to be happy' [him]
'what makes you think i'm not?' [me] 'i am happy... i thought you were too?'
'i am very happy'
'then why the questions?'
'just wondering, really ma. i was just making sure that you're okay'
'i'm fine... but are you sure you're okay?' 'do you want to talk about this when i get home tonight?'
'i'm fine, really. and yes, i want to talk to you.'

later i mentioned that he worried me. he wasn't sure how he did that and i'm just like 'i don't know what's going on in your head and that's worrying me. i just wanna make sure you're okay, and okay with all of this'

sigh... i'm gonna hopefully talk to him tonight. i'm sorry, i love him and i know he loves me. i'm SO happy with him, and i know he is with me. i'm not letting him push me away again. i'm not losing him again. there are so few things in this world right now that are happy and make me happy, so few things that have love for me... and i'm not gonna let this one go. i deserve someone who will treat me like a queen, and he does. he deserves someone who will treat him like he's the only one for her and i do...

i don't want to lose him again...
i wont lose him again...
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