Monday, July 25, 2005

Kyou wa.... zenzen shiranai.....
(Today... I don't know at all...)


Time: 4:45 a.m. ( What other person is up at this hour?? --_-- )

Mood: --__-- for a reason other than me being tired...

Listening to: Nothing right now.

Just to let you all know this won't really be a happy post. Something bad happened yesterday evening, and if you don't want to hear me rant about my frustrations in life, you are more than welcome to skip reading this post.

Well, I have bad news and I have good news, but the good news is the bad news... Well, it's about my supposed to be "father". I don't even like to call him that, it gives me shivers. I can't believe it. Well, here's what happened.

Last night he called, suposedly to "talk with me and my sisters". I don't understand why he never cared to talk to us before, but all of a sudden now that we finally got out of there, he wants to think of every possible way to mentally tourture us. I tired to talk with him the last time he called, but I realized that trying to reason with him is completely impossible. It's like banging one's head into a very solid brick wall. A person coul go insane. Well, anyway, he called and told my mom, "I'm going to come and get the girls on the 31st." (Because of the way that the temporary divorce was settled my sisters and I are supposed to be spending the first two weeks of July and August with him.) This happened last time (in July) when he called before coming. He told my mom that "The girls had better be ready to go with me when I get there." (He thinks that the reason that my sisters and I don't want to see him is because our mom is influencing us. That couldn't be farther from the truth, he's the one who never wanted/ tried to have a relationship with us.) So anyway, he calls and says that, and also says that he called to talk to us. So my mom hands me the phone. This is how the conversation went:(as much as I can remember, but almost exactly)

Me: Hi.
him: Hi. How are you doing?
"Fine"
"I was just calling to see how you were doing."
"Okay."
"I figure that if I don't call you, that you guys won't call me."
"Oh." ( he's exactly right.)
"So, will you be ready to go with me on the 31st?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because like I've been trying to tell you, if you leave us alone for a while, we would be a lot more willing to come talk to you."
"It won't get any better if we just wait to deal with this."
"If you really cared then you'd just leave us alone for a while, and know that we're comfortable."
"You say that you don't feel comfortable around me. Why?"
"I don't even know where to begin explaining that, and I really don't want to talk about this right now. I'm not ready."
"So, you don't feel like talking to me?"
"No, I don't."
"So it's okay for me to stop sending child support, then?"
"Fine by me. Go ahead."
*he chuckles to himself*
"You really don't understand."
"I don't know what I'm not understanding.
"How you going to live?"
"Mom will get a job. Do you think she can't?"
"Does she have one now?"
"Not yet. She just started walking on her broken foot a short while ago. Do you think that she can't get a job?"
"I didn't say that she couldn't. * I just know that he was similing to himself when he said that. I could hear the simle.*
"I think that what my sisters and I need is to have some peace, and be left alone to have time to deal with things and get over them a little."
"So, what role do you want me to play in your life?"
"I don't know."
"What role do you want me to play in your life?
"Right now? None."
"So, I can cancel all your medical insurance, all your child support, and everything."
" Fine with me. Go ahead."
*then he laughs again*
"What's funny?"
"You really don't understand and that's what make you a child."
"I don't know what I'm not understanding? You can talk to mom about that."

(Which actually I'd rather not get any money what so ever from him. I don't want anything to do with him. I'm 16 I can get a job, I know it won't pay all that much, but the reason I haven' t is because of my mom's broken foot - I've had to help her out by moving stuff around and everything. And also I'd only have a couple of months to work before school starts, and we're trying to get settled and I don't think I could handle a job and a full load of classes at the college.)

This is the kind of thing that I have to deal with all the time. He plays the sickest mental games with us. And I can only imagine what it's doing to SakuraYume... she's 9...

So, that's a sample of how he sees things, everything's about money and how he looks to other people.

He even said this to me once: "When you tell other people that you don't feel comfortable around me, it makes it look like I've done something to you to make you feel that way." (Well, duh, that's the whole idea...)

So, in order to make it so that he doesn't cause some huge mess by taking the matter of us not wanting to come with him to the court (he'd blame it on my mom, I just know it. It's us that don't want to see him.) And make some sort of motion that we'd have to move back to that hell that we just came from, and start the whole trail over again, I had to make a deal with him. That when he'd come over on the 31st, instead of him taking us to that house, where we suffered for all those months, (If he did that my sisters and I may actually go insane and get sick, really sick.) that I would be willing to walk to somewhere close to our house and talk with him for as long as he wanted. He agreed. You don't know how relieved I was that he wasn't going to take us back to that hell. I cried.

So, that's what's going on. I'm not sure if you guys really care, but it feels better just to type this out, no one really has to be listening....


~Kanau

Hopefully someday my soul can find peace somewhere....
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