Wednesday, February 8, 2006

   Stuff.
Okay okay I know. Everyone's posting up some angry or sad journal, but hey. That's just the way things are right? Maybe February and January are months of extreme emotionality. Hahah. This isn't really much of a depressing journal, I don't really know what it is, but to me, its just a statement.

Going throughout your life, people come and people go. People leave you and some stay with you. Others help you when you're down, others ignore you. Some drop everything to be with you, others just treat you like you're a piece of dust.

If you are one of my IRL friends, you'll know I've been saying "I'm on the edge" alot. I don't know if you all know what I mean by that, but I'll explain it.

I don't know about anyone else, but my friends mean the world to me. Even though when I'm in a bad mood, and I don't show it, they still mean the world to me. And to all you HNA people, Holy Names just tends to eat at my frustration. That's why I'm not as much like myself in Holy Names, then I am, out. I try my best to be there for my friends when they want to talk about something, and I try my hardest to show them I care. I wrote notes to everyone on Christmas on how I felt. I still mean all that, even if one day I seem a little moody.

Now back to the title of this journal. Back up plan. It hurts, SO BADLY, to be the backup plan. And lately, I've been feeling alot of that. I'm not trying to get any pity out of anyone, but I'm just trying to let this all out. I'm not gonna mention any names, but it sure feels like I am at the bottom of your priorities. That's just fine with me. I'm okay, with that, you have a life, lol. But when you plan something with me, when you try to get me excited about something, when you tell me things... don't psych me out just to tell me in the end "Oh well, you know what, I'm going out somewhere today." Because sitting there for HOURS waiting for someone to call, waiting the WHOLE week for one of your friends to say otherwise... and in the end get nothing, it HURTS. Every single time it happens, IT RIPS MY HEART OUT. Corny as that may sound, I'm speaking seriously.

You know what else hurts? When you're thrown over to the side when someone 'new' comes. Okay. So that makes sense, of course spend time with that person. It's good to let it all out. It's good to want to get to know that person. I have no problem with that. But don't completely ignore the people you already HAD in your life. Just because someone new is there, doesn't mean they'll stick with you. Maybe you should try paying attention to friends you've had for years. Now that I think about it, I've been with my HNA friends for 3 years. That's a long time.

Feeling left out and feeling like your not worth anything really hurts. Especially when your friends do it. Especially when it feels like the whole world has forgotten you.

I love my friends. Very much. :heart: I just hope in the end, I'm not one of the people they forget.


SHOUTOUTS-

To Naru: DUDE, You still owe me a night of deep conversations.
To Mimiru: YOU... just hang out with me. Hahah.
To Cho: HAH. You need to hang out with me too. <3
To Rie Anne: HANG OUT WITH ME. I'VE NEVER HUNG OUT WITH YOU when its just like.....US. its always something random. Hahah. we need to actually hang out and watch stuffs.

To all you BEAM people, thanks for being there.

TO all my other friends, thanks for being there too. If you've stuck with me after gradeschool, you must find SOMETHING in me that brings you back. Don't forget me. Please.
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