Tuesday, August 8, 2006

   A blessing in disquise?
6.August.2006.

Zoe broke up with me. Truthfully, I'm not very surprised. I thought from the start that this is what might happen. She wasn't completly over Heather, and me with my other relationship worried her. She didn't want to hurt me, and I don't want to make her hurt herself. Better now than later, like she said, before people grow too attatched.And, this way, I can stay totally devoted to Kitty. I am upset, though, I want to talk about it with somebody. I want to talk to Kitty about it, But Kitty has to be at her Tousan's house...><
Maybe it's a sign...Me and her, we've been through so very much, and no matter what fear, what issue might plague us, we get through it. We've been together so long, and I want us to always be together. So maybe it IS better this way. I can stay totally devoted to Kitty. No distractions. And, maybe, my wish will come true... Even if it is an incredibly selfish thing to wish for, becuz of Robert (her boyfriend), and her confusion, but it's still my wish, above all else.. This I cannot change. And, It is most definatly better for Zoe. I could never be hers completly, never be totally there for her, like she needs, and if the choice came up, I couldn't choose her. Becuz, I'm sorry on Zoe's part, but, Kitty I will always love, I will always be devoted to. I care for Zoe, but it prolly IS better if we just stay friends, for the both of us. And, this way, Kitty doesn't have to worry. It could be a blessing in disquise, for everyone......

~~Kaori~~
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Thursday, July 20, 2006

Gawd I'm Pathetic...
4/22/06
I’ve been in a very, very good mood today…. Random bursts of laughter, and hyperness…. Today…..was the first tyme I ever experienced tears of happiness….::smilez:: It started out regularly… I got up, to read detah, becuz Im totally obsessed by now, and I waited for Kitty to call, so we could begin to rp………. Well…. She mentioned that Chris would be coming over at 5:00.……so…we got to talking about him…… Of course, this is me, and Im way too hard on myself… and way too self-conscious….. So, I was comparing myself, and worrying again, as I always do………. This tyme, I actually brought up…my biggest worry……. I asked her if the rp…was all we were……. I have been worried about this for some tyme…. Becuz, that’s all we seem to do….. Besides the obvious…. But if you look at it like that, it really does look like a friendship with benefits…. She laughed, and said that she understood why I had asked, knowing that I simply needed reassurance….. And said, she was actually expecting the topic to be brought up, before denying it completely….. Saying she loved me very much, and all the tyme we spent together….even if we weren’t doing anything…. Just taking a break from the rp…. I was so happy, and as I read her response, and thought it over……… tears formed in my eyes. I didn’t actually expect them to fall, though…. But, when they began….when I felt the first tear slip down my cheek, my heart skipped a beat….and, that was it. That single tear, in tyme, summoned more, which fell slowly, and at long intervals…each tear representing my love for her… I think I cried a total of five or six tears… but they each had so much meaning…. It was quite amazing….I felt pathetic, then… but so unbelievably happy, I read and reread her message, with a smile on my face, and more tears forming… when I told her that I was crying…..I don’t know how she felt about it… becuz she was kinda like… oh kay…..I’m sorry…..? ^^;;;but my smile remained… I know she cant return my feelings completely, I am way too totally in love for that, and I know that she keeps a barrier up…but…that’s okay…becuz I love her, with everything I am, and that’s all that matters…
Ya know…..I don’t think I realized the depth of my feelings until she asked why…and I started thinking on it and explaining it to her…I mean, granted… I knew they were fairly deep, becuz of certain events over the weekend…what happened was, I had made her sick…… her being empathic, and able to sense and feel my emotions… and me continually bottling things up….well…it’s a bad combination. She was dizzy, and tired and had a massive headace, and her stomachache made her believe that she was going to throw up… and I was really upset. I had been dealing with jealousy, and self-doubt for three days…or more…while I was at her house. It was becuz Chris continued to stop by…unannounced…while I was there…and, Chris cuddles way too much….way way too much, at one point, he had slowly inched himself inbetween me and Kitty, and sat there…laying on her. I felt anger coursing through me sooooo deeply. I was severly pissed. Which, she of course, sensed…I was practically screaming my emotions at her….^^;; It didn’t help the day before when she had decided to mess with me, and make me jealous….. She was cuddling with Chris, and I was all…..><>< grargish….and she just…continued…(I… Don’t… Like… Him…………><><><><) but, yea, so I had built up anger from all of that… and I’m retarded…so I don’t talk about it, and I make her sick….(I hate me too…) So, we ended up going to her room, and laying down (but not before her brother had properly insulted me…………). It took her a half hour to get the info out of me. I felt so remorseful, and It took everything I had to keep from sobbing… I’ll remember what she told me.. It was, that, If you concentrate all of your strengths on what you fear might happen, then It would, ironically, be that strength that makes it happen. That almost sent me over…. I hugged her tightly, and apologized….so profoundly, and promised myself that I would never keep anything from her again. That’s when I really realized how much I love her…truly love her… and, so, that summoned the question about the rp….that promise to myself. I don’t need her thinking I don’t trust her… Becuz, Its not that…Its simply…I don’t want to appear pathetic… Even if…she of all people…knows how unbelievably pathetic I am…::smilez::……Later today…(actually….at this moment im talking about yesterday… bacuz I had to get off the computer last nite ^^;;;) She was talking about Chris, “he’s an idiot…but I luv him anyway ^^”
…”more than me?”…”No.” I was happy, than we were talking on the fone, In response to me telling her all I love about her, Physically, and personality-wise, she told me her faveorite feature of mine… My eyes. My eyes, which, apparently, are beautiful, and reveal so much emotion. I was rendered temporarily speechless… Reminders of how much I love her, not to mention why… keep becoming apparent…and..Its such an awesome feeling…Even if its… dependent… making me dependant… but, It’s okay. I trust her with everything I am…. I know she wouldn’t make me regret falling in love with her. That’s how I’m able to keep my sheild lowered, which proves how wonderful she is… For, not just anyone could get me to do such a thing, becuz, Ive always been a loner… emotion-wise… Ive had to be, but, now, I cant be…
“The mind looks for in others what it is lacking in itself”
The perfect quote, for me to her…. So very true….Our complete differences prove this….
Kaori T.

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   I wrote this to my g/f a while back..... ^^
I love the way you laugh. When you giggle, it reminds me of angels singing. When your eyes gleam with happiness, amusment, sadness, I can see it so very clearly. And, even when dipped, engulfed in disappointment, remourse, fear, you always keep a firm control of yourself, control of your emotions. Its a strength that i've never known you to be without. Your strength resonates...Your passion resonates.....everything about you, just warms the hearts of those who know you, your strength being somthing everyone wants for themselves...and so, being the caring person you are....you give them your words, and the strength in your words, the wisdom in your words. You say that people are always calling you wise beyond your years....can you honestly say you dont believe them? You have a certain way about you, and, so caring, thats what truely resonates, seeps off of you, into the very air around you. You're a hard person not to love...
You've been through so much....seen so many horrors....dealt with so much more than that of the average teen, it's amazing how you remain so.....wonderful......so....strong. You see how some people deal with their horrors....no matter how small they may be...they get all dependant, and start whining to others for comfort, to the point where they simply want to give up on them....but, you, despite all you've been through, you dont show it. It is never apparent, you dont get others involved, at least, not a large amount of people, just those who know you really well, and you're even able to just stay your regular self around people. Not only that, but, you're always able to keep a level head about things.... It's truely amazing, how strong you are.... I love you, and admire you so very very very much for it......as if that wasn't enough....but you have so many other....wonderful qualitys, as well.......
There is wisdom in every word you speak. Seriously....Your very essence is seeping wisdom....... You always know the right things to say, the right advice to give, you have the ability to peer into anothers soul, and know exactly what they're thinking, exactly what they're feeling..... I guess that's part of being empathic...? Being empathic gives you a whole different outlook on life, so much different than others.....and, allows you to give such advice, with such perfection. Your words make me so happy, your ability to bring out the thoughts from the deepest part of my mind, and make me realize what I should have, all along... Yiur words reflect your strength.
Not only that, but, you care....so much about others, about everybody around you, regardless of who they are. Iff they have a problem, you help them with it, or at least try to. You say that people come to you, no matter where you go or what you do, they flock to you. They do that, becuz, they can sense the careingness that just eminates from you, surrounds you, creating a mist, a fog, even. Its so obvious that you're a good person...a wonderful person, and people cling to that. Its what makes people fall in love with you. Its what made me fall in love with you. The pure warmth that comes from being around you, the fact that, I know, no matter what, I'll always be cared for...It's a wonderful feeling, and I love it.. I love it when im engulfed in it. I love being near you, talking to you, even thinking of you, gives me that same feeling... I love you, so entirely and completly.
It is impossible for me to accuratly depict how and why I love you...so much that my heart aches....so much, that you never leave my mind.You were, at first, one of my best friends, and, just as so many others do, i fell for you, i fell for you, and chastised myself for it. I knew that it wouldn't bother you, but I never, in a million years thought it would become mutual....It wasnt even a thought in my mind that you might some day return my feelings...and, I didnt want to get hurt..so, when I became more aware of what I felt, and when it increased...I made myself distant, not wanting you to find out...becuz, I thought it would be difficult to deal with when you found out...I didnt want to get hurt....Like, when I told Liz what I felt for her, It was half to get my mind off of you, becuz I thought I had more of a chance with her, than you ::chucklez slightly:: and when i clinged to her as I did, it was so that I couldnt concentrate on you......I did have feelings for her, dont ask me why, but i did...but, what I felt for you was so much stronger, and only grows stronger and stronger with each passing day. The day you asked me out...I was so incredibly happy...You have no idea...::thinx on it:: actually, you probably do.... I was happy, worried, didnt know what to do... of course, you know all of that as well. I love you...so unbelievably much.... I just....love you... I never want this feeling to go away... I never want the happiness you make me feel.....to go away...to use Itachis term, (which, in turn, is mine) ...a constant feeling of euphoria.. You make me so happy...I love you so much.....
I love everything about you...The way your skin looks, so soft, and pale, contrasting so perfectly with your dark hair...The structure of your face, the clearness....the look of velvet....its so lovely....and the skin of your neck....purely teasing... Its just as soft looking, and lovely as your face, if not more so.... and you often have purfume on....its beautiful....just asking to be kissed... licked, suckled on....I was amazed when you told me that nobody had ever done that before....kissed your neck...I dont see how anyone could resist its beauty..... Your hair.....is purely beautiful.....when its down....its just...downright sexi..... the way it contrasts with your skin, and the way it falls over your face, or when its tucked behind your ear. It just makes me want to run my fingers through it, then place a kiss or two on the top of your head. ...Your eyes...are.....Enchanting.... truely enchanting. They are so....unique..... so beautiful..They practically describe your personality.....one of a kind.....a rare find...just as you are...The way your eyelashes fall over your face when you look down....your eyelashes...so beautiful... Did you know, that when you write, or read, that you have your eyes tilted down, with your eyelashes sweeping your cheeks....creating the illusion that they're closed, and, generally have your head tilted to your left? I like to watch you when you write, just admiring your face, your hair, your eyelashes.......alot of the tyme, my lip quivers from such a strong urge to kiss you....to kiss you passionatly, with all of my love... but I dont want to take you away from your thoughts.........I dont want to appear even more clingy and hopeless ^^;;..........
I love you... so much.... so so so so much.......... I dont think...no...I know this doesnt even come close to describing it. And I knowI'm.....dependant, and...underconfident, and clingy.....but I try my hardest for you....becuz I love you so much.....and Love is a strong word.....I refrain from saying it seriously, unless I completly mean it..... I mean, I may seem like the type who would get all clingy and dependant....no matter what...who it is....but...thats not true, at all....I have had a shield up...I never even thought that I love Liz, or Roque.....I do have a shield up....and Love is a very big word for me....and,I love you... with all that I am....You have no idea....In the true sense of the word...I would die for you.... I would....if you died....I wouldn't be able to...go through life, seriously.... I love you......so so so much.... I saw a quote online one day....and thought of you...immediatly...To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world..... You are my world.


With all of my love.........
Riska-chan

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