Thursday, July 20, 2006

Gawd I'm Pathetic...
4/22/06
I’ve been in a very, very good mood today…. Random bursts of laughter, and hyperness…. Today…..was the first tyme I ever experienced tears of happiness….::smilez:: It started out regularly… I got up, to read detah, becuz Im totally obsessed by now, and I waited for Kitty to call, so we could begin to rp………. Well…. She mentioned that Chris would be coming over at 5:00.……so…we got to talking about him…… Of course, this is me, and Im way too hard on myself… and way too self-conscious….. So, I was comparing myself, and worrying again, as I always do………. This tyme, I actually brought up…my biggest worry……. I asked her if the rp…was all we were……. I have been worried about this for some tyme…. Becuz, that’s all we seem to do….. Besides the obvious…. But if you look at it like that, it really does look like a friendship with benefits…. She laughed, and said that she understood why I had asked, knowing that I simply needed reassurance….. And said, she was actually expecting the topic to be brought up, before denying it completely….. Saying she loved me very much, and all the tyme we spent together….even if we weren’t doing anything…. Just taking a break from the rp…. I was so happy, and as I read her response, and thought it over……… tears formed in my eyes. I didn’t actually expect them to fall, though…. But, when they began….when I felt the first tear slip down my cheek, my heart skipped a beat….and, that was it. That single tear, in tyme, summoned more, which fell slowly, and at long intervals…each tear representing my love for her… I think I cried a total of five or six tears… but they each had so much meaning…. It was quite amazing….I felt pathetic, then… but so unbelievably happy, I read and reread her message, with a smile on my face, and more tears forming… when I told her that I was crying…..I don’t know how she felt about it… becuz she was kinda like… oh kay…..I’m sorry…..? ^^;;;but my smile remained… I know she cant return my feelings completely, I am way too totally in love for that, and I know that she keeps a barrier up…but…that’s okay…becuz I love her, with everything I am, and that’s all that matters…
Ya know…..I don’t think I realized the depth of my feelings until she asked why…and I started thinking on it and explaining it to her…I mean, granted… I knew they were fairly deep, becuz of certain events over the weekend…what happened was, I had made her sick…… her being empathic, and able to sense and feel my emotions… and me continually bottling things up….well…it’s a bad combination. She was dizzy, and tired and had a massive headace, and her stomachache made her believe that she was going to throw up… and I was really upset. I had been dealing with jealousy, and self-doubt for three days…or more…while I was at her house. It was becuz Chris continued to stop by…unannounced…while I was there…and, Chris cuddles way too much….way way too much, at one point, he had slowly inched himself inbetween me and Kitty, and sat there…laying on her. I felt anger coursing through me sooooo deeply. I was severly pissed. Which, she of course, sensed…I was practically screaming my emotions at her….^^;; It didn’t help the day before when she had decided to mess with me, and make me jealous….. She was cuddling with Chris, and I was all…..><>< grargish….and she just…continued…(I… Don’t… Like… Him…………><><><><) but, yea, so I had built up anger from all of that… and I’m retarded…so I don’t talk about it, and I make her sick….(I hate me too…) So, we ended up going to her room, and laying down (but not before her brother had properly insulted me…………). It took her a half hour to get the info out of me. I felt so remorseful, and It took everything I had to keep from sobbing… I’ll remember what she told me.. It was, that, If you concentrate all of your strengths on what you fear might happen, then It would, ironically, be that strength that makes it happen. That almost sent me over…. I hugged her tightly, and apologized….so profoundly, and promised myself that I would never keep anything from her again. That’s when I really realized how much I love her…truly love her… and, so, that summoned the question about the rp….that promise to myself. I don’t need her thinking I don’t trust her… Becuz, Its not that…Its simply…I don’t want to appear pathetic… Even if…she of all people…knows how unbelievably pathetic I am…::smilez::……Later today…(actually….at this moment im talking about yesterday… bacuz I had to get off the computer last nite ^^;;;) She was talking about Chris, “he’s an idiot…but I luv him anyway ^^”
…”more than me?”…”No.” I was happy, than we were talking on the fone, In response to me telling her all I love about her, Physically, and personality-wise, she told me her faveorite feature of mine… My eyes. My eyes, which, apparently, are beautiful, and reveal so much emotion. I was rendered temporarily speechless… Reminders of how much I love her, not to mention why… keep becoming apparent…and..Its such an awesome feeling…Even if its… dependent… making me dependant… but, It’s okay. I trust her with everything I am…. I know she wouldn’t make me regret falling in love with her. That’s how I’m able to keep my sheild lowered, which proves how wonderful she is… For, not just anyone could get me to do such a thing, becuz, Ive always been a loner… emotion-wise… Ive had to be, but, now, I cant be…
“The mind looks for in others what it is lacking in itself”
The perfect quote, for me to her…. So very true….Our complete differences prove this….
Kaori T.







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