Tuesday, May 3, 2005

   9:47 AM.

In case of fire, do not pour gasoline on yourself. My birthday party was soooo bad-ass. It was literally, the best birthday part I've ever had. And I do feel different. I feel older. Different expectations of myself and my abilities to deal with a situation. And in a way, it's almost a relief. Like, you get so caught up in the stupid immature drama of teenagerhood. But then I stop myself and say "Wait. deal with this like a mature adult. Don't over-react, don't assume. Don't panic or start thinking the sky is falling." And you realize that what you thought was so terrible and a situation that could never be saved really isn't so bad. I mean, come on. One thing that does worry me though are Johnnie's feelings towards me. He's been confiding in me a lot lately, and telling me how I'm the best thing in his life. I don't want him to be so dependent on our relationship to make him happy. I want him to realize that if our relationship does end, he'll meet other women, and he can still be happy. I love him, not in the 'omg i want to spend the rest of my life with you' way, of course, but I'm not going to stand here and pretend I don't have strong feelings for him. But at the same time I see our relationship as an impossibility. Not just because of the fact that we'll be going seperate ways, but because half the time I feel like we don't understand each other at all. And I need that in a relationship--the ability to relate to that person. (Lol.) I really, really care for him, but there's something missing. I just don't want to hurt him, I don't want to be the cruel awakening. I know what it's like for your first love to get up and leave, and I don't want to do that to him. * sighs * Well. QOTD: "Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." - Sam Levenson -Karma

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Friday, April 29, 2005

   9:08 AM.

Her placenta falls to the floor. Wow...it's been such a long time since I updated. Sorry guys! There has been a LOT of crazyness going on in my life the past couple of weeks. Allow me to recount my affairs. ;) Okie, a couple days into spring break, my mom was getting really screwed up (messing with meds, having uber-depression spells, etc) and we kept getting into these really big fights. Finally, she kicked me out of the house. So, I went to go live with my best friend. Then like, the next week, my mom was all, "I'm sorry! Come back!!" and I was like, "WTF? You can't just throw your daughter out and then expect her to come back at your beck and call. I'm not your plaything." So I ended up staying over at my friend's house for about 3 weeks, which was a very healing experience for me, except for this one night my mom came over and demanded I come home and I refused, and we started screaming bloody murder each other and then I started basically just wailing because she put me in such misery. Then she left. But yea, that's why I haven't been online lately. I'm so lucky though, that I have my best friend and her mom to be there for me so much when I don't have a family of my own to fall back on. It really has become like I'm just her adopted daughter or something. I don't think family is necessarily always a 'blood bond' thing. I think you form 'blood bonds' with the people who in the end, truly are your family. Uhm, okay, on to happier news! Last Friday was 3 months for Johnnie and I. :D I'd be lying if I said things hadn't been difficult with him, but I'm very glad I'm with him, and I want us to enjoy the relationship for as long as possible, even though it is obvious to me that this is not something that is going to last past the end of the school year. He's graduating this year and I won't see him in school anymore, and we're not going to see each other at ALL over the summer, so it would be pointless to pretend that we can keep it going after that. But I am happy with him. So yay for Johnnie. Oh, and of course the biggest thing going on in my life right now is my sweet sixteen!! Yes you guys, in two days I will be sixteen years old. I am so insanely excited. Sixteen has always been this super magical age for me. Like I would never actually be cool enough to really turn sixteen (lol!). But now I am! I really can't explain why I'm so happy about it...I guess it's just because I finally feel like I'm moving toward true adulthood. I mean, I know sixteen is hardly mature or anything, but in two years I will be fully responsible for myself, so I guess this is kind of a signal to myself to start really practicing now. It's a big thing for me. My birthday party is going to be this Saturday, and it's going to rock sooo much! A bunch of my friends and myself are all going to the beach to swim and play beach games and build sand castles and possibly go skinny dipping (;D) so we're going to be there practically all day, and then after that we're going to this bad-ass awesome cantina on the beach with like, the best food ever! Yummy!! And we're doing the cake and presents thing there too. So very much uber yey. <3<3<3 Two more very exciting things also on the horizon: The weekend after my birthday party is prom!! * gasp! * Yep, I'm going to senior prom with Johnnie!! I've got the dress and shoes and everything, and he's got his tux, so now we're just waiting for the actual date. It's neat, the prom is going to be at the aquarium in downtown Charleston, which is soooo cool. Or maybe I'm just a dork. But I think it's cool. :D The second exciting thing is that this summer I will be going to California on June 7th with my best friend and her mom to see my best friend's brother's graduation, and be able to see all the funky cool parts of SoCal that she lives nearby. Then I'll be driving back up to San Fran to visit my aunt for basically the rest of the summer. Aahhh...I absolutely cannot wait. And through all of this, I've still managed to make high B's and A's through school! Yea, that's right, I rock. * cough * My goal for this last quarter is straight A's though...we'll see if I can do it. :) Alright. This is has been KRMI radio, 102.7. Ciao dudes and dudettes. QOTD: "Do not weep; do not wax indignant. Understand." -Baruch Spinoza -Karma

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Thursday, March 24, 2005

6:03 PM.

Bitte sagt mir, warum. Okay, update in the exciting life of Karmi. It's Spring Break you guys!! At least, it is for us high school kids. I don't know about those of you in college, I think y'all already had yours...? Anyway, yea, today was the last day of school and I went on a field trip, woohoo! We went to a local tech college place thing because they were having a career day, and um, we walked around a lot, and saw their super brand-new shiny culinary arts facility which was almost cool enough for me to want to become a chef, lol. Then we went to Ryan's (a resteraunt) and had some delicious food and got totally stuffed, and it was great, because we were all really relaxed, all friends just joking around and having an awesome time, it was like, there was 0 stress. Yea, it rocked. Anyway, I was SUPPOSED to have German tutoring afterschool today ('cause I'm dumb, lol) but my lame German teacher never showed up!! What a loser. Anyway, I got a ride home with Karen and I've been super hyper all day and that's about it for my day. And now I'm listening to Die Prinzen! They rock. ^-^ So what are everyone else's plans for Spring Break? I don't have any yet...Johnnie's 18th birthday is the 6th, so we're probably going to celebrate it sometime this week. That's about it. Um there was something else I wanted to say...but I forgot...;-; Oh well. I'm uber hungry right now so I will chat you all later. Tschusi! QOTD: "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." -George Burns -Karma

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Monday, March 21, 2005

   10:07 AM.

In the nervous light of Sunday. I am feeling a LOT better than I was all last week. I went home Sunday and just had some serious alone time, and then took a shower and got much needed sleep. Sunday was a very relaxing day, mostly just cleaning, looking at college information, doing homework. Life is good. The funniest thing happened Sunday though! The power went out for like three hours in the middle of the day, and when it started getting dark I lighted a bunch of candles so I could see what the hell I was doing, and AS SOON as I lighted the last candle the power came back on. I was like 'WTF? Damn you electric company...' Lmao. I just left the candles lighted though, because they were so pretty and smelled loverly. :D Tomorrow is Johnnie and I's two-month anniversary!! Yay! Oh, he got me a present already, and it was the most awesomest thing ever. A copy of the special edition of Pulp Fiction, Uma Thurman sexyness and all!! I gave him the biggest hug ever and started passionatly making out with him because he rocks my world so much. ;-; <3<3<3 Uhm...lesse, not much else going on in life. We're learning how to do the passive voice in German and it is kicking my proverbial ass. I know I'm going to have to come in afterschool for some tutoring. Bleargh. Oh, we started the Economy part of my Econ/Gov't class, and looks to be just as interesting as Government was. Colour me dorky, but I really am totally captivated by all this stuff we're learning. It's like - these are the foundations upon which our government is run. This is how the economy keeps itself going forward. This is why certain things fail, and certain things succeed. These are the philosohpies that gave birth to nations. It is so exciting to me. ^-^ Yea. I'll end this now. >.> QOTD: "Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." -H.G. Wells -Karma

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Saturday, March 19, 2005

Because in the end everything we do is just everything we've done. Just for Lunai. :) I've discovered some excellent new bands. In particular, Dead Poetic and Circle Takes The Square. If you're into the heavier rock and metal stuff, I definitely recommend them. I also listened to another band, Underoath, which has been getting a lot of mention lately, but I really just didn't like them. Too much incomprehensible high-pitched screaming (there's metal and then there's just BS), and while the melodies were okay, they weren't anything to die for. Plus, I couldn't really enjoy the melodies simply because of how annoying the singer was. It's like -dude, get something for that screechy voice, here, I have a lozenge just stop screaming! ANYWAY. Also saw some really good movies. First on my list - i <3 huckabees. This was a GREAT movie. It's mainly about this guy who's feeling really alone and wondering if anything he does even matters, if people even see him when he passes them by. Also, seemingly unrelatedly, he's seen this tall African man a total of three times in random encounters. He believes this coincidence has meaning, so he gets these two existentialist detectives to help him figure the meaning of these coincidences out (yea, I know you're going "wtf?" so was I). From there it proceeds to a life changing journey for what eventually gets to be 7 main characters, discovering how everything is interconnected, the reason behind human misery, and the facades people create to hide their insecurities. Definitely not for those who find no enjoyment in independent, artsy, 'here's a whole new perspective of looking at life for you' films, but if you enjoyed movies like The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Amelie, SLC Punk, and The United States of Leland, you'll probably enjoy this. So yea. Go see it. I also watched Alfie, which was another good film. It's about how the fear of commitment, and just running around with a whole bunch of people without really ever attaching to anyone eventually destroys you, and leaves you alone and lonely. It had a melancholic ending. The Girl Next Door was pretty stupid, but it's a generic Hollywood comedy, what can one expect? It had its moments, but overall not really worth it. The Incredibles was pretty good, it kept me amused and entertained throughout the movie, although some parts of it just seemed...lacking somehow? Not quite sure what it was. But Jack-Jack and his little bit at the end was absolutely hysterical. My friend thought she was going to have to give me CPR because I was turning blue I was laughing so hard. I did not, however, piss my pants, despite the large amount of soda I had consumned that night. >.> Okay. I think I'm pretty much done ranting now. I hope everyone has a good weekend! QOTD: "The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself." -Mark Twain -Karma

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Thursday, March 17, 2005

   12:31 AM.

Quiz Day. Which Woman of Legend Are You? Find out! By Nishi. Which Woman of Beauty Are You? Find out! By Nishi. ;* What Pattern Are You? What Makes You Sexy? by eva71 Name/NickName Gender Sexy Body Part Is Your Hair Special Talents Are Giving The Rub Down Quiz created with MemeGen! I am 56% Emo. Well.. I've made the cut! Now I'll go buy some promise rings and knit myself a sweater. Take the Emo Test @ FualiDotCom Yep. I'm an emo-kid at heart. I just don't wear the dorky glasses. XD I am 51% Raver. I may not be freaky like those Candy Kids, but I do know how to party. I am well connected in the scene, but may be getting a little tired of it. Take the Raver Test @ FualiDotCom WOOHOO PAR-TAY! * sucks on a glo-in-the dark hot pink pacifer * I am 71% Video Game Addict. Video games are a big portion of my life, maybe too big of a portion. They are not a means of social interaction, despite what I might think. I should just go outside. Take the Video Game Addict Test @ FualiDotCom Yea what else is new... I am 57% Hippie. I am not a child of the 60’s but my heart is true to the cause, man. I realize that being a hippie is not just bell bottoms and tie-dye. It is also about the drugs and smelling bad, too! Take the Hippie Test @ FualiDotCom For the record, I actually smell OK. >.> I am 57% Ska. Well, maybe I'm trying too hard, maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I shouldn't forget my roots, and remember that punk and reggae wouldn't exist without ska. Take the Ska Test @ FualiDotCom Ska is like a personal little fetish of mine...originally started by my love for the (old) No Doubt. I am 25% Grunge. What's this? The longest I've been without a shower is three days? Not even close, man. I should go sit out in the rain for a week. Take the Grunge Test @ FualiDotCom I'm sorry, I like being clean. I am 33% Metal Head. Most other metal-heads acknowledge my presence, but they laugh at me behind my back. Maybe I need to stop spending all that money on haircuts and invest in a few Pantera T-shirts. Take the Metal Head Test @ FualiDotCom Nah, they laugh at me to my face. ;-; I am 56% Goth. Oh My Goth! You Goth, Girl. There is a good chance I am bi. Freakiness pumps through my viens, but I can still laugh at myself. Take the Goth Test @ FualiDotCom Yep. I am 52% Geek. Nerd, Freak, Geek, Dweeb. Sound familiar? That's okay, cause I will be the richest person at my 15th year high school reunion. If a "con" isn't happening that weekend. Take the Geek Test @ FualiDotCom YEA BUDDY. ...I hope. ='( I am 56% Internet Addict. I am pretty addicted, but there is hope. I think I'm just well connected to the internet and technology, but it's really a start of a drug-like addiction. I must act now! Unplug this computer! Take the Internet Addict Test @ FualiDotCom This quiz is wrong. There is no hope for me. I am 34% Punk Rock. Well, I may know what punk is, but... Okay maybe some people think I am punk, but is that enough? Nope. Take the Punk Rock Test @ FualiDotCom Hahahha. Karmi = not punk. - - - - Okay, time for me to post random crap about my life that no one wants to read...item #1: irony is a cruel and bitter mistress with a wicked sense of humour. Johnnie and I's 2 month anniversary is the SAME DAY as Thomas' 18th birthday. Aha,hahaha,hahahha--* kills self *. Item # 2: Don't you just hate when you make a bunch of stupid mistakes on a major test resulting in a grade that is way lower than what you really could have gotten if you had paid the freaking hell attention to when you were bubbling in answers? Blah. Lame pie. Item # 3: I haven't bought good manga in awhile. Does anyone have any suggestions? Item # 4: My peep is cuter than you. Peep with misc. homies on top of my monitor. :D All together now kids...AWWWWW. ...cannabalism? OMFG teh cuteness. <3<3<3 Now that's hot. ;) Peep + musik = good. Once more now...AWWWWWW. Item # 5: White-out is, under no circumstances, edible. Item #6: Underoath screams a lot. QOTD: "There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking." -Alfred Korzybski -Karma

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Tuesday, March 15, 2005

   8:51 PM.

Kiss the Preacher. Listening To: Matchbox 20 - Bright Lights. Topsy-turvy living. Johnnie and I are coming up on our 2-month anniversary. He's very wonderful and sweet...but something's missing. Something that I had with Thomas. I talked to him(Thomas) Sunday night for about 4 hours, and we've been talking on and off on MSN messenger, and I miss him very much. I've been wondering just where I stand with Johnnie. It's just like...it's a high school relationship, you know? Most of them don't last, because after graduation people go their separate ways and change a LOT as people, so is there even a point in dating while you're in high school? I think college is a better place to find the person that you are meant for. You're emotionally mature, you probably have similar interests, and it's a lot easier to pursue a serious relationship because you have so much more freedom. Thomas...he's another matter altogether. I feel my connection to him so painfully deep in my soul. I'm not trying to be all 'omg emo drama!!1!!11', I honestly feel like we truly belong together. But, I don't know. Maybe, in a way, it's better that if anything more happens between us, it will be later on in our lives, so that then we WILL be mature and be more of the adults that we are going to be throughout all our years. But meanwhile, it hurts so much. Otherwise, life has been pretty good. High B average in school. Just finished midterms, woohoo. But we're going to traditional schedule next year, and it's going to SUCK. =| QOTD: "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Fredrich Nietzsche -Karma

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Wednesday, February 9, 2005

6:49 PM.

Dancing Soliloquy Woohoo! Exciting day! ...erm, not really, but I did get a lot of things done. ASD (After School Detention) was so boring yesterday, and hour and a half of sitting there staring at the walls. For 3 freaking tardies. Bloeah. Got an 89 on my econ/gov't makeup test, score! I was so mad though, I have an EIGHTY FOUR in that class because I didn't turn in some stupid worksheet. AUGH. Jeeez. I get in trouble for the stupidest shit there. Karmi = lameass ;-;. akdfjaghag. I missed Career School tooooday. Dude, my alarm went off for FIFTY MINUTES straight and I didn't even half wake up! So, I missed the bus. How retarded is that? But it was all good, because I got to spend second period with Johnnie and Justin and Dan and Jason and Heather in Study Hall. Muchos grande conversation and laughing. We learned about relative clauses and the genitive case in German, which my mind is still reeling from. I am having a harder time grasping this language than before, augh. Maybe it's just because there's already so much crap in my brain already. C'est la vie. Got a 97 on the quiz/test we took in Econ/Gov't. +1,000 anti lameass points. I stayed afterschool for two hours for NAHS, working on the set background for Annie. (Our school is putting the musical on, w00t.) The thing is huge, it's like, 40 ft wide. Anyway, the whole left half of the outline was on the wrong horizon line because they used the wrong vanishing point, so we redid the whole thing, using chalk and graphite. There's still touch-up work that we need to do, and then the painting of course, but we still got A LOT done. I chatted it up with Mrs. Winkle too, which was very nice/interesting/cool. Teachers are such interesting people. Well, most of them anyway. So yea. I'm feeling quite accomplished and awesome right now. Except, now I am covered in graphite and chalk. But it's a nice kind of dirty. ;D Johnnie and I are are going out to the mall on Friday and maybe the movies I don't know. He's so awesome. * happy sigh of infatuation * .:Commentary:. anatema: Not cruel, but selfish definitely. Most good personality traits must be learned. Liebchen: Anytime, meine Mimmi. ;D Solo-Yoyo: Yea. It just annoys me. * talks to you on AIM * lea: Lol, yea, exactly. I value my friends' opinions much more than some random asshole's. Kensies: * laughs at his implosion * .:Teh End:. QOTD: "Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings." -Laurence J. Peter -Karma

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Sunday, February 6, 2005

3:29 PM.

Cabron, Cabron High as a kite right now! Johnnie stayed over until 10:30 last night, and we had a wonderful time. We played Alien Hominid, went out for ice cream, made out, made brownies, watched Resvoir Dogs, made out, finished watching Resvoir Dogs, and "rough-housed" (like, play-wrestling and tickling and stuff) and then fell asleep. He really is awesome. He doesn't try to mangle words or 'play the game'. He just says, quite simply "I like you. A lot." And it's okay for us to have conversations where we just say "you make me happy." It doesn't have to be eloquent, it doesn't have to be like a game of shadow tag. Ah. But I'll stop gushing about him. On another one of my journals, I had someone leave an incredibly rude and uncalled for comment. They didn't like one of my opinions, so they just said "wow, for being so young you sure do have the world figured out i hope you get raped, you cunt" I left what I hope was a mature and curt reply, basically saying that I didn't waste my time having conversations with assholes like him. But it got me to thinking...why are some people so incredibly immature and hateful? Why do they feel the need to say such things? Is it because they aren't intelligent enough to think of an appropriate response, or are they just too lazy to? Do they realize the implications of making such statements? Of course, I don't know why I'm so surprised, I hear crap like that all the time at school. I guess it's just different seeing it online, because here you've got your own words right in front of you, you'd think it'd make consider what you're saying a little more carefully. I guess the only thing to do is hope that they get a wake-up call. .:Commentary:. hEvN: Yes! Karmage lives! Mimmi: Awww, danke liebchen. * hugs and kisses * lea: LOL! ...oh, wait; I mean. 'How amusing.' ;) Shinarinamin: Yea, I'm looking forward to junior year, and not being an underclassman, lol. .:Teh End:. QOTD: "Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none."-William Shakespeare -Karma

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Friday, February 4, 2005

7:29 PM.

Soft-spoken with a broken jaw. Wooow. It's been a long time since I posted! I need to get back into the jist of things. Allow me to recap on the past couple of weeks in my life. Johnnie Well, I've finally managed to get over Thomas, and I now have a new guy in my life, and just in time for Valentine's Day! He's a senior, blonde-haired and blue-eyed, and a skater. He's also one of the most polite and humble guys I've ever met, which is a very welcome change. He is also incredibly sweet and affectionate, which is wonderful because I am also a very affectionate person, and I just don't deal well with boyfriends who are afraid to be cuddly in public. Or in private, for that matter. But yes. Johnnie = awesome. I love his hippie name too...his actual name really is Johnnie, spelled that way and everything. Freakin' sweet. Sweet Sixteen In two weeks, my best friend will be turning 16. This is a huge landmark for me, not only because she is growing up, but it is the first sign that I'll soon be reaching that age as well. Sixteen, moreso than any other age, has always held an extremely magical and somehow unattainable quality for me. I never thought that I'd actually turn 16. Ever. But, lo and behold, May 2 is less than three months away. Is there some sort of strange and insane transition that's supposed to occur? I pretty aware about my own personality and maturity, and when the change (for better or for worse), and I know that I've grown up a lot since turning 15. But 16 is still...scary, I suppose. Peter Pan complex? Perhaps. Pixelated Radio Recently, I've discovered a lot of good music and video-media. Rilo Kiley, The Mars Volta, Taking Back Sunday, Rob Zombie, Stone Sour, Wilco, Jack Johnson and The Matches have all piqued my interest musically. I suggest any girl who's ever had a "I love you but you're bad for me" relationship, go listen to "Portions For Foxes" by Rilo Kiley. You will relate beyond all belief. "The Widow", by The Mars Volta, is extremely Cowboy Bebop-esque, and is just such a sexy song. Taking Back Sunday is a wondeful emo band, if you're a fan of the genre. Rob Zombie - great heavy rock and metal (I don't know if it's considered metal, but whatever) to just headbang to rather mindlessly. Stone Sour - go download "Omega" and "Inhale", both of which are insanely fantastic. Wilco I originally go introduced to by Mitch, and I've gotten more into them lately. After hearing "Cookie Jar" courtesy of Alex, and being recommended the album On And On by him, I went out and purchas-iesed it, and damn let me tell you it is some excellent music. The Matches are another great band, I especially enjoy their song "Sick Little Suicide". Also, I have always been a very big fan of The Red Hot Chili Peppers, the melodies are just so lethargic and energetic at the same time and have this roughly smooth quality that I can just groove to endlessly. And the lyrics are so beautiful in this very symbolic, constantly flowing and twisting way. Both melody and lyric just appeal to me on so many levels it's just insane. Anyway, I recently got a copy of their latest CD, By The Way, and I just fell in love with them all over again. They rock. And now my friend is here, so I have to go. I love you all! Talk to you all soon hopefully! .:Commentary:. Liebchen: Oh I did. Especially with Johnnie....*coughwinknudge* Kenarific: Dude, yes, I know. I LOVE that quote from Jefferson. Shinmaru: Psh, I see that all the time. * rolls herself away in a wagon * Solo Tremaine: You know it. I think cooking is so sexy. Hevn: I love your avatar. lea: Can I make love to you too? ;D .:Teh End:. QOTD: "Nothing takes the taste out of penut butter quite like unrequited love." -Charles M. Schultz (Penuts) -Karma

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