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• 1989-05-02
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• Erin

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myOtaku.com: Karma of Chaos


Tuesday, May 3, 2005

   9:47 AM.
In case of fire, do not pour gasoline on yourself.

My birthday party was soooo bad-ass. It was literally, the best birthday part I've ever had. And I do feel different. I feel older. Different expectations of myself and my abilities to deal with a situation. And in a way, it's almost a relief. Like, you get so caught up in the stupid immature drama of teenagerhood. But then I stop myself and say "Wait. deal with this like a mature adult. Don't over-react, don't assume. Don't panic or start thinking the sky is falling." And you realize that what you thought was so terrible and a situation that could never be saved really isn't so bad. I mean, come on.

One thing that does worry me though are Johnnie's feelings towards me. He's been confiding in me a lot lately, and telling me how I'm the best thing in his life. I don't want him to be so dependent on our relationship to make him happy. I want him to realize that if our relationship does end, he'll meet other women, and he can still be happy. I love him, not in the 'omg i want to spend the rest of my life with you' way, of course, but I'm not going to stand here and pretend I don't have strong feelings for him. But at the same time I see our relationship as an impossibility. Not just because of the fact that we'll be going seperate ways, but because half the time I feel like we don't understand each other at all. And I need that in a relationship--the ability to relate to that person. (Lol.) I really, really care for him, but there's something missing. I just don't want to hurt him, I don't want to be the cruel awakening. I know what it's like for your first love to get up and leave, and I don't want to do that to him. * sighs * Well.

QOTD: "Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." - Sam Levenson

-Karma
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