Sunday, January 15, 2006

Ugh...

Time: 11:10 PM Song: I Must be Emo By: Hollywood Undead Mood: Torn WARNING: This post contains Sethy’s actual thoughts of love life and her real feelings about things at this moment. Don’t like a rare dose of depression? You’re inhuman. Now let us all break out into laughter at Sethy’s emotional anguish. Once again, refusal to post lyrics on my part; I just recommend the song and all that good stuff. So on to my very schizophrenic day meeting up with my fellow Raving Ninjas and what not. My, my, what an awesome way to start of a post, ne? I woke up around 10:00 AM and dragged my happy butt into the shower. Knowing what all I was going to face today, I had butterflies in my stomach that made me so nervous I almost threw up while washing my hair. The fact was, I knew I was going to see Ian (My ex boyfriend.) today and there was really no getting out of it unless I decided to stay home. I really wanted to see everyone, so I sucked it up and got ready to leave. While Naru-kun (My little brother) was taking a shower, I attempted to eat something. Too nervous/upset to eat anything, I drank a little “Light and Smooth” Smoothie and that was enough to satisfy me. Naru-kun came downstairs and ate some pop tarts and mom began to drive us to the Japanese Tea Gardens. The whole way there, my thoughts basically consisted if: ”It’s okay Seth. You don’t have to talk to him or even acknowledge that he’s there! But it would be mean to ignore him. I can’t stand feeling this way. No! You don’t like anymore after he broke up with you! You can still talk to him, but it will hurt… more then anything you’ve felt in quite awhile. Quit being this way! Be strong… be strong.” My thoughts ended as soon as we pulled up into the parking lot and I laid eyes on Zappa, Deus, Rain, and of course… Ian. My mom saw Ian and gave me warning look; kind of like telling me that she knew what I was about to go through. You see, my mom was there for me when I told her about how much I loved Ian before me and him got together. And she was there for me when I cried after we hung up on the phone, confirming that we had broken up. (Depressing. D: ) Hugged Zappa and made a complete bitch out of myself in front of Ian. We hugged briefly and he said: “Long time, no see.” And I gave him something of a mean look and replied: “Yeah, no kidding.” in a fake happy manner. I think he noticed due to the fact that he kind of shrank back. I turned my back, cursing myself, and walked up the stairs. Now, I think back then… I thought I had a good reason for being mean to him. When we were talking after we broke up, he said he didn’t want anything between us to change. Before we got together, he called me almost every day and we talked and had a good time doing so. I was expecting things to go back to normal, but normal was definitely an understatement. After that phone call, he never called me, e-mailed, Imed, or did anything to keep in touch with me. It hurt a lot to think that he may just not care about it. Needless to say, I went in thinking I could fight off this battle with my emotions about Ian, but as soon as I saw him… I filled to brim with a mixture of emotions I haven’t felt in such a long time. He’s the only guy I’ve ever cried about after we broke up and the only one I can actually say that I loved him so much while we were together… and I just couldn’t stand thinking about how he seemed to ditch me so easily when we broke up. I saw him and felt hatred, sorrow, and a tad drop of happiness to just see him. I decided to walk around and climb stuff while waiting for Maki and Sethos to show up. I saw a lot of people I haven’t seen in such a long time. Needless to say, I don’t feel like I fit in with them anymore. Things are awkward between Phlinx, Minty, and myself and I’m just not close with Suger, Newbeh, or even Levi. I wanted to leave almost as soon as they got there and I didn’t want to tell how I felt because I don’t like drama and I don’t like causing it. They never told me that they openly hate me… so why start shit just because you assumed something very stupid? Danzig and Kimba showed up and I was very happy to see them. I really like Danzig and Kim for some reason. They’re just really cool doobies and Kimba always makes me laugh whenever we talk to each other on yahoo on some rare occasions. I finally saw Maki and Sethos and felt much better. I smiled and messed around with Maki and went climbing on the rocks some more. Eventually, I hugged Ian for real and we held onto each other for a long time. I just wanted to show him how much I missed him and I didn’t want to let go. I really miss the hugs we used to give every time we saw each other when he came to visit me. I sat on the bench for a long time and Zappa noticed that I was upset, but I didn’t want to talk about everything for fear of breaking down and crying all over him about how much I don’t feel like I fit in with everyone and about Ian. I just smiled and drank my Mountain Dew. We found a stray dog and wanted to take it to the animal help center nearby and we all kind of discussed it. Kimba and Suger ran around playing with the dog while we all just kind of talked and meandered around the place. Rain, Canuck, Zappa, Sethos, Wuffers, and Nathan all sat on the bench with me and we laughed and talked happily about random things. I got to meet the substitute guy, Cy I think, and he fits in with us perfectly. At first, I had no intention on going to the Ingram Park mall with everyone, but I just asked Sethos if me and Naru-kun could hitch a ride with her and Cy. It was no problem and we all decided to depart. We got the dog in the back of Canuck’s truck and Sethos, Cy, Naru-kun, and I all walked to his car. We had to deal with some traffic and what not, but we eventually got to the Animal Help Center and met up with Tala, Ian, Rain, and a few others. It took awhile, but they leashed the dog and took him in as we all waved to him. Sethos, Naru-kun, Cy and I all packed into Cy’s car and began our way to the mall. Now, I told my parents I was getting a ride with Sethos’ older brother, so I was a little nervous about my parents finding out in the end, but they didn’t. I decided to have fun and messed around with Cy’s windows. I kept rolling up the window and rolling it down and then proceeded to stick my head out the window and shout things at random people as we drove by. We all had fun in the car. I still can’t believe Cy’s a substitute teacher! We were waiting in traffic and Cy was rummaging for his map and moved forward a bit too much. We ended up hitting the back of some guy’s car and we freaked out as we saw the door open. The guy, dressed in gangster clothes and looking like a very angry Mexican, began walking out of his car and I thought we were either going to get our asses kicked or get shot. He just looked at the back of his car, noticed no damage, and got back in his car and sped off. We spent the next fifteen minutes laughing our asses off about it and making jokes. We eventually got to the mall and I REALLY had to pee. I think that angry gangster almost made me piss myself. I quickly ran inside and relieved myself. I went to Cyberzone and everyone was there having a good time. Eventually, Sethos, Canuck, Nathan, Cy and myself all got bored and decided to go up the escalator and down the other escalator. Each time we came up, we walked a different way. Canuck came up with this crazy idea and pulled his shirt down over his knees, making himself look like a midget. We skittered (Literally) from one escalator to the other and everyone in the food court was cracking up at him. We got to about sixteen laps with the escalator and retired to get some food. Canuck ended up buying us some food from Arby’s. I got four mozzarella sticks, but my stomach still felt horrendous so I only ate two and the other two went to Cy. We sat downstairs and somehow got onto the topic about Lesbian Dolphin Sex and Anal Dwelling Parasites. I dunno how it happened… it just did. My dad called and said he was to be picking up my littler brother and I in about fifteen minutes. I ran into Cyberzone and hugged those who wanted one. Danzig hugged me and reminded me to tune into the rave ninja radio more often. XD; I hugged Ian for a really long time and told him to call me more often. It’ll hurt like hell to talk to him so much again, but I miss him too much and at least want to keep him as a really good friend or perhaps a brother-like figure. He basically said that he felt like I didn’t want to talk to him, but I told him my phone’s always open for receiving calls and hugged him again before leaving. I hugged Sethos and headed for my dad’s truck. We sat in the truck listening to music while my dad went in and got us Taco Bell. I almost broke down crying when I flipped channels on the radio and there were nothing but break up songs or love songs on. Finding some System of a Down song on the radio, we left that on. I came home and ate as best as I possibly could, walked upstairs to tell mom about my day in very discreet detail and headed for my room where I logged on and began typing this. I really don’t know why I choose to hang onto memories of Ian and me when we were together. I guess it was just because I enjoyed being with him so much that it just hurt to know that things will never be the same between him and myself again. Feeling like I’m breaking down isn’t much fun, but when I think back to everything me and him did together… … I don’t regret ever being with him in any way. I just thought it would be easy to forget about him and attempt to move on with my life; pretend that I hate him for making me cry more then I have ever in my life time. It wasn’t that easy and I find that even though there’s a fine line between hating and loving someone… I just can’t bring myself to hate him. I’m not going to be the annoying ex that can’t seem to let him go and be free and live his life; I’m going to be the supportive friend that everyone needs. Thinking back to how my relationship with Ian was… I think my decision I’m about to make here is final. I really enjoyed my relationship with him and I enjoyed it when people weren’t able to get into my business about dating him. All was fine and no one got into anything about us and spread rumors. Though this decision may hurt a few, I really hope they all understand. From this day on, I will refuse to go out with anyone at my school unless I really love them and can’t stand to live without them. It may sound stupid, but I’ve noticed that my most successful relationships were with people OUTSIDE of my school and away from everyone. Plus, if they’re farther away from me… I actually have the opportunity to miss them. I have a tendency to get tired of seeing someone at school all the time. Don’t flame me for that decision because my love life is my own and not yours.<3 Who knows? Maybe the future seems brighter for me later on. Oh well; enough being all sad and what not. I’ve vented as much as possible and feel better now. I really doubt that any of you read ALL of this though. Probably just skimmed through it. Go on, admit it! XD So the winner for the next layout is: Ryuichi Sakuma. Still dunno when the layout will be up though. Seth: Can I talk now? I never told you to be quiet, hun. Seth: I hate seeing you cry. I hate it too… but such is life, no? Have a good weekend, kiddies. Kawaii Seth<3 Now for a funny video to lighten the mood! :D

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