Friday, September 23, 2005

   They really need a crying Smiley!
Today we had uniform inspection for ROTC and well I got a 85 which means I was eligable to get promoted, then I got a 93 on my quiz, so Major Johnston called me up he had me to all the moves or commands got a 97, but the fact that I didn't do three civic services ment I couldn't get promoted! So I spent the whole bus ride and up to now crying cause then I have the added bonus of both of my boyfriends dumping me. Jeremy cause he said he rather me just be with some one close to me and Jacob cause we wanted to take his revenge for me dumping him so many times. But Jacob literaly did it right after Major said I came came close but didn't get it. I was about to punch him in the face. My hand is bleeding right now cause my nails dug into my skin cause I had them balled up into a fist. Then also I can't go to the Junkle punk concert my ride isn't going anymore.I just can't believe I didn't get promoted I would have been the first freshmen to get promoted to Lance Corporal. In one month too that would have been so awesome. I'd out rank all my fellow freshmen, but no the fact that I was one just on civic service short of being promoted. Well I gotta go get ready to do another civic service for tonite. So wish me luck with Major Johnston, cause if he comes he mite jut reconcider hopefully and also I'm going to get my job permit and apply to work at Mcdonalds and Wendys so I mite even get me a job hopefully. Byes.
*Katie*
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Thursday, September 22, 2005

   Stunned
Ok well after yesterdays breakdown I'm kinda on the weird side, specially since now I'm back on prozac, and I'm back with Jacob though I don't know why. Last day of ISTEP was today, and Jeremy promises that he doesn't care I'm back with Jacob so right now I have two boyfriends go me. And Jeremys got his permit and soon will have his license and he says when he gets it everyweekend hes coming up here bringing me down there then bringing me back so I get to see all my cool friends. Jacobs like ok whatever as long as you're still my girl and its like you call me that and I'll change my mind. He tries to be romantic but he hasn't done that since the first day I met him. Oh yeah and Saturday going to burnts harbor for another JUNGLE PUNK CONCERT! WHORAW. Well anyways I do believe I'm over dropping out cause Sergeant Feilds gave me a pep talk today and I cried my eyes out, but still he helped me set a goal for the next five years and I'm going to stick it out no matter how much work it takes to get there. As long as I stick to the proper douce of medication I should even be stable for the next couple years ^_^ which means I'm also going to start back up on my Zoloft, and have to take pain medication. So I'm also going to get a tutor work out for two hours each day study for three I'm getting a job permit so I can actually keep a job. And I know this is going to sound dorky, but I'm going to find the perfect guy to be with so one day I mite marry him. Cause I need to settle down with someone before it gets to late. And I think I know just the guy, but only thing is I have no way to get in contanct with him at this time, but I'm going to find him, cause I fell in love with him from day one. Its been two years a few months and a few days since I last saw him, but I remember his face so well I remember everything me and him did everything me and him talked about, but the only reason why we didn't hook up was because the people on my chess team didn't want to see me happy they kept trying to spilt me and him apart so we couldn't be together. I remember Philip Vanderheyden got so made at me cause I used to have a crush on him, but when he saw how much more I like Derek then him he flipped out and thats why all the guys tried to keep me from him. Because I like someone too much and he wasn't from my school it wasn't them and because they knew he was a better person and the fact that he liked me got them even more mad. So someday I no matter what will meet him again cause I know he would be one of the greatest guys to be with. So even if I just find him and be his friend that would be enough for me. Cause that day I can remember more then just about anyother January 19 Michigan City Indiana chess Tournament me and him had to ride on the same bus he was from Clark middle I was from Scott Middle. The two rival schools just couldn't see me and him together for whatever reason. But now they have no reason to care. I'm just blabbering on aren't I. I tend to do that sometimes I guess, but I can't help it. When I have something to say I say it when its the right time even if no one cares, cause thats what you have to do, maybe its just the pills or I'm just finally confronting my problems and am willing to say just about anything. Oh well whatever the reason is I'll find out sooner or later. Oh yeah and why don't you guys ever pm me to let me know how you guys are I wanna know whats going on in your lives. So PM me asap. I'm gonna go get ready for school tomorrow so byes.
*katie*
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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

   I can't believe they don't have a smiley for crying
Here's my new favoritd quote my friend Matt said-"Even though I'm the sacrifice, you won't try for me, no, no. Though I'd die to know you love me, I'm all alone. Isn't someone missing me?" Now that make me think. I don't like to think think cause then it brings back alot of bad memories. Now though I guess I should face them. Cause I have to choices either quit life all together or soon quit school and start my life get my GED and take the low road so I can get through life with out all the big responsibilities cause honestly I can't do it, not alone with no one by my side. And these friends I have here they pity me cause I was alone for a while they all have said it without using words. And life ain't going to get much better then this, and sadly enough I believe that.
"You taught me right, you taught me wrong. You told me to always be strong. You paved the way, you showed me fear. I now know what was unclear. I saw one thing, yet heard another. I was too young to understand. I never knew what ti believe. I feel so deceived. Confusion in my head. Don't understand all that you said. Yet now I see the light. It's times like these I realize. But, how can I with these mixed messages you did bring? And forgive all the pain you caused, all of the suffering. Keep my persective straight. Keep me away from hate. Keep my eyes so bright, uncovered. Oh please, won't you guide me towards the light? Conflict, confusion, distrust..."
This is how I feel and have felt for so long cause honestly I can't find anyone that truely would be able to help me be one hundred percent honest with me about everything. And if theres a God I pray that things will get easier cause I fear I'm truely not going to make it. Cause I'm falling down a deep depression that I can't escape tried so many time but lost site of the good cause now there is so little good around me all I can see is the pain and suffering. I try and take the burdens away from my friends and family then they turn around and stab me in the back. People hate me they think I'm a freak. I am a freak. I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I have no real future at all. All I have are my memories of times when I was happy, but now I can't stop crying cause I lost what made me happy. I lost who I really am. And it kills me to think about the past cause there are so many things that mess with my mind from back then that made me this way. Then I push people away and I don't mean to, yet I still always and will always do just that. I've tried to change my ways but its so impossible to do cause I'm so used to this way of life. maybe I'm just overreating to whats being said about me by others, maybe I really am depressed, maybe I'm just messed up in the head, but no matter what the reason is I'm still not happy with this life. I've looked at the life of others who died and suffered and I wish that they didn't have to go through all that, but people still see me as a person who doesn't care about others though I try and help out as much as I can with anyones life cause I don't want them going down the same road I am. Well I'm going to go find something that can hopefully cheer me up. byes again.
*Katie a.k.a. Nadine*"Maybe my heart told your heart it had a parking place outside. Or that we both like taking walks, and doing things at night. Maybe our hearts have the same favorite colors, and found each other that way. Or maybe it was because they both like sunshine the best, and always tell the summer to stay. Maybe your heart sent my heart a secret message that said: I've been waiting for you. Let's go. LOVE. Or, maybe when it comes to things like this, there aren't reasons.
Hearts just know."
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   hello there
ok first things frist when the post comes up more then one time its because I click on the send botton to many times so it sends it again and again.
ANYWAYS
ISTEP again today sucked got no sleep before the test except for about a half hour so I almost missed the bus so I didn't even get to brush my hair I just threw whatever was closest to me on luckily it matched all black WHORA cept for the fact it didn't have long enough sleeves so everyone got to see the first cutt I gave myself big time cause its right at the top of my arm and I was wearing a tank top luckly though I had a hoodie in my locker so I put that on. I find out now Dustin has a kinda sorta girlfriend thanks to me getting him to learn how to dance so while Jacob and I were fighting he was dancing with her, but then I finf out that one hundred percently DUSTIN LIKED ME BUT I HAD A FREAK'N JERK FOR A BOYFRIEND. And to top it of today is a very bad anniversay of a breakup between me and probably the best boyfriend I could have had. And now I'm on day5 of a really bad cold so I feel like crap and I just don't know what to do. Right when things are sorta going good everything just falls to pieces and its like grr you know like you wonder how in a blink of an eye everything you know isn't there anymore nothing is the same and you just wanna escape but theres no where to go. Ok now I'm making my brain hurt...so I'ma gonna go so ttyal. Hope to here from some of you guys soon. BYES
*Katie*
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Tuesday, September 20, 2005

   HAHA DUSTIN IS so COOL
Toda we had ISTEP so we had to sit in one class for four hours and switch our lunch schedule so I had to sit alone at lunch until I find out Dustin still had the same lunch as me so he sat by me and we talked then his friends came over then left to go bug people then these girls came over and he just ignored them. Then I got to meet his sister, me and her are now friends cause seems me and her have alot in comman. And he got his braces off today so yay. He helped me study for tomorrows continuation of the test cause I don't know how to do slope intercept so at least he tried to help me, but still have no clue what to do. And now people are starting to think me and him would be a good couple. But right now I'm not sure what to do seeing as Jacob hates me. Oh and then in my second block class there was these two guys I sit by cause of assigned seats well I was wearing these fishnet tights that have big holes in them well they were calling me a stripper slash wore, and I got so fed up with it I stabbed one of them in the arm with a pencil, and now he has a whole in his arm. And I didn't get introuble cause the reason I did that was he kept putting his hand on my leg and he was sliding it up and then STAB! So the next time he touches me hes losing an arm. Well I g2g I have to check something out so byes.
*katie*
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   HAHA DUSTIN IS so COOL
Toda we had ISTEP so we had to sit in one class for four hours and switch our lunch schedule so I had to sit alone at lunch until I find out Dustin still had the same lunch as me so he sat by me and we talked then his friends came over then left to go bug people then these girls came over and he just ignored them. Then I got to meet his sister, me and her are now friends cause seems me and her have alot in comman. And he got his braces off today so yay. He helped me study for tomorrows continuation of the test cause I don't know how to do slope intercept so at least he tried to help me, but still have no clue what to do. And now people are starting to think me and him would be a good couple. But right now I'm not sure what to do seeing as Jacob hates me. Oh and then in my second block class there was these two guys I sit by cause of assigned seats well I was wearing these fishnet tights that have big holes in them well they were calling me a stripper slash wore, and I got so fed up with it I stabbed one of them in the arm with a pencil, and now he has a whole in his arm. And I didn't get introuble cause the reason I did that was he kept putting his hand on my leg and he was sliding it up and then STAB! So the next time he touches me hes losing an arm. Well I g2g I have to check something out so byes.
*katie*
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   HAHA DUSTIN IS so COOL
Toda we had ISTEP so we had to sit in one class for four hours and switch our lunch schedule so I had to sit alone at lunch until I find out Dustin still had the same lunch as me so he sat by me and we talked then his friends came over then left to go bug people then these girls came over and he just ignored them. Then I got to meet his sister, me and her are now friends cause seems me and her have alot in comman. And he got his braces off today so yay. He helped me study for tomorrows continuation of the test cause I don't know how to do slope intercept so at least he tried to help me, but still have no clue what to do. And now people are starting to think me and him would be a good couple. But right now I'm not sure what to do seeing as Jacob hates me. Oh and then in my second block class there was these two guys I sit by cause of assigned seats well I was wearing these fishnet tights that have big holes in them well they were calling me a stripper slash wore, and I got so fed up with it I stabbed one of them in the arm with a pencil, and now he has a whole in his arm. And I didn't get introuble cause the reason I did that was he kept putting his hand on my leg and he was sliding it up and then STAB! So the next time he touches me hes losing an arm. Well I g2g I have to check something out so byes.
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Monday, September 19, 2005

   Dustin is differnt
Today I got to hang out with Dustin during lunch and all the girls at my table were jealous since well hes gorgoues. He lent me the book of Mormons to read, so far its actually intresting. Then to my surprise I had to sit out for ROTC cause they were doing Tae Bo and my foot is sorta injured so I sat in the hallway which is next to the gym and well Dustin class was gym and I was right by the door reading, and the ball came flying out and he went after the ball so he stoped to talk to me. Then when I told Jacob I wanted to break up with him again he cried. Or so I heard, but its like oh well cause then I found out he cheated on me again before he saw me at the dance. His friend Alysson told me he was all over this other girl there so I'm glad I had broke up with him. And then Dustins friend stopped me in the hallway and said that I shouldn't let Dustin hit on me cause I'm too good for him and I was like yeah and you're point is. Then it hit me that he was hitting on me then I met up with my friend Jackie and we both just let out a huge scream for the fact that DUSTIN of all guys was talking to me and sitting by me. It was like I died and went to heaven. Now just for tomorrow to ask him out cause Jeremy said that he didn't want to go out with me again until he actually lived close by me. So I figure I'll try to ask him out. Now if I just lose alittle weight and put my makeup on better people will actually think me and Dustin will be a cute couple, cause right no one really thinks I belong with him except for people who aren't shallow. Oh crud I g2g bye everyone talk to you all soon I hope. BYES
*Katie*
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   Blah Blah it's monday
After a long weekend of visiting my friends I really don't know what to do, cause now me and Jacob are a hundred percent over me and Jeremy are going back out for the fourth time and hes moving to Highland which is like two towns away from me so I can actually visit him everynow and then. I'm still one hundred percent in the crew (what my friends call each other.) And then to top it off I'm actually becoming popular in my high school I was supposed to go to cause now all the stuff I did is coming out in the open and because when ever I come to visit everyones like wow look hows shes changes, cause now I'm skinnier have better shorter hair, I actually can put about 6 pounds of make up on with out sweating it off making me look like I'm melting. But best part of all they are finally getting to see who I really am. So now I can't choose what I wanna do. And it makes so little sense why when I think I have everything planned out everything just gets out of place. Crud I g2g I have to get ready for school before the bus gets here. So byes for now. And please pm me so I can know how you're doing.
*Katie*
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Saturday, August 27, 2005

The Dance
Dennis and I ended up not really being together at the dance, even though it was supposed to be a date, but now it ended just being the dance. But either way I had a great time cause this guy Jacob who I met the other day cause he helped me open my locker when I couldn't find John to open it helped me out well it turns out this guy asked me to dance with him is the guy which is a weird cause I had met him already. But then the only dance I could get him to dance was the slow dance, so for fun me and John were headbanging to all the loudest songs being dorks. Which was really fun cause then we started jumping around like idiots which was so weird cause no one noticed how much freaky stuff we were doing. Now though I'm Jacobs girldriend and surpisingly me and him have like alot in comman except he has a way bigger family, hes alittle bit taller then me, hes not as crazy about anime as I am, but in the third and fourth term me and him are going to be in two classes together journalism and rotc. Well I'm going to go check out your guys sites that updated today.
*~byes Kaye*~

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