Saturday, October 20, 2007

   . . .
I am failing at everything. Every aspect of my life is crashing to failure.

This is what I recognize: I have everything I could want. I am blessed. This is not a time for failing.

This is what I recognize: I am responsible for my failures. And I have been irresponsible. I am the cause of my failures. I am at fault.

Oh, I know. It's wonderful. Another bout of teenage angst? One last round? One of many last rounds? It seems endless enough.



Here's some cheerful advice: It's not as bad as it seems! It'll all turn out okay in the end! Stay strong! Work harder, dumbass! Blah blah blah blah



I have everything. I have lots of clothes and plenty of food. I live in a decent house in a safe place. I sleep in a soft bed and my room is warm. I have a computer. I have internet access. I go to a good school. I'm doing okay. I got into college. I am marginally healthy. I have nice friends who care about me. My family loves me. All my family members are alive. Life is peaceful. Endless opportunities and resources of all sorts are open to me. Everything is awesome. The future is promising.

I know this. I know this all the time. But it feels like everything is crashing down anyway.

Academic failure. Social failure. Emotional failure. Physical failure. I am a disgusting human being and my life is disgusting. I am not disgusted with myself only because I love myself too much to see past myself. Everything is about myself. I am pathetic, weak, lazy, and arrogant. In my mind, the only self-evaluations that I can even come up with are blithely self-aggrandizing. That barely even makes sense. Nothing makes much sense anymore.




Any of these choices would seem like the cure.
a) Sleeping it off.
b) Lying on the grass and watching the clouds pass, thinking about nothing.
c) Distracting myself with television/internet/books/etc.
d) Death.
e) Running away.

The problem with all of these is that they are futile escapes. Some of them are impractical or impossible. All are selfish and irresponsible. None would solve anything. How can I solve anything? Lawl.

current mood: unrepentant

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