Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Its getting better all the time!
Dontcha love mood swings? I dont, one minute Ill feel perfectly fine and the next Ill be all morbid depressed stupid like. Its dumb.

Ahwell, I found something today that's helped me keep my mood up. First Corinthians chapter 13. The love chapter of the Bible.

Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

Im not quite sure how, but that, mixed with some other circumstances that help to rienforce some things I've been thinking about alot lately have lead to today being a rather good day. Maybe its just the fact that its not a monday? Huh. Anyways, Im quite happy with how things have turned out today, and I hope that this mood swing of mine marks what is to be hopefully one of the last swings for along time to come. I've new hope, new determination, and yes, I will beat down Jamie and Nathe if I have to. XP

Anyways, off to see the wizard!

~Sam~
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Friday, February 16, 2007

Tooodaaayyyy....
Why do I post every other if not every single day? Im not quite sure. I think I like ranting, I found it overly enjoyable while I had my Live Journal account, I'd rant for hours. Fun stuff that was. Owell, thats gone now, so Im stuck with the O I suppose. *shrugs* its all good.

Today was interesting, but for the most part, I think it was good. We won our first game in state, though I only got like 50 seconds playing time T_T it was pretty good. And that'll probably be it for the rest of the tournament, less half the team fouls out or something. That'd be interesting. Anyways, I got that, and then I got to hang around with Meagan, John, and Mr. Askin. Which was pretty cool I guess, lots of weird conversations. And Meagan telling our History teacher that I draw naked gender confused men. XD

Well then I went to Rachaels, cuz I'd meant to talk to Rachael. But when, at the tournament, I approached Rachael, she left. And I think she didnt notice me, but for some reason something screamed that she didnt even want to talk to me. So I was all shy n emo n stuff and just left her alone. Until after lunch, then I slapped myself and called her. So I went to Rachael's and...I enjoyed myself. And I came back to the tournament with her, and watched her play, and then I had to do stats and I thought she left. But she didnt, which was cool and made me go "Woah, wtf mate?" And so when I was done with stats I got to hang around with her and watch the game, and I think while we were hanging out everything seemed normal again. We laughed, we joked, we played Egyptian Rat Killer. We drank soda and ate popcorn and cheered on the Helena Home school Warriors. I stole her sketch book and doodled in it while she wasnt looking. We smacked each other with random objects like shoelaces and books and whatever else we could find. To say the least, it was nice. I really enjoyed being in her company again.

So she left, and I stuck around the tournament for a bit longer and then headed off to work. After that I stopped by blockbuster to see if there were any movies worth renting for meh birthday since theres nothing good in theaters. Im thinking of making everyone watch the Coyboy Bebop movie, and perhaps having Richard find me an illigal download of the Deathnote movie. We'll see. But damn would that be nice.

Sunday Lada's supposed to be in town, and she n Rachael are coming over. And maybe Tyler, and Rusty, n Matt n Meagan. And Jarred and Richard, perhaps meh grandfolks, maybe Kasey if she gets off her lazy butt. And if I have my way with things we'll find some sort of XBox or something to hook up so we can all kill each other in Halo or something, maybe not but we'll see. Ive told them all that its not my birthday, and thats for the better. I hate the attention birthday parties give, I cant stand it. I dont like cake very much anyways, hurts meh teeth. And presents are nice I suppose but having a birthday party always just seems like an excuse to get new toys to me. Pointless really. I just wanna get my friends together under one roof and be able to chill with them, and hang out. Nothing special, nothing spectacular, just hang...and maybe learn how to juggle. XP

Anyways, Im off for the night. Wanna take a shower and read some more of the "Return to Alastair" before bed. Dave'll be happy Im reading it. Its a good book.

I wanna stick Stephen and Chas in a room together and see who comes out sane. NO CLUE WHERE THAT THOUGHT CAME FROM! XD

~Sam~
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Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The game of love.
You know what sucks about the game of love? Ill tell yah, its like monopoly. You know? Or Sorry!, whatever game you want to compare it too, its still just a pain.

I think I rolled the wrong number today, I mean, it was like rolling the dice and landing on the "Go back to start, do not pass GO, do not collect 200 dollars". TODAY SUCKED. I could not breathe, nor concentrate, and I just sat there. Moping. At chapel, I hate it I couldnt pay attention. I laughed when everyone laughed, I shook my head when everyone shook their heads, I DIDNT PAY ATTENTION. GHAAAHAHHAHGGGLEEEMEMEMEMPOO.

If its not one thing, its another. 8th grade year, they just left me. Last year, I was sick as hell. THIS YEAR, I'll just be plain out of it, if Im not bed ridden with some love sick ailment. Is like BLOOOSHGIGIGIGMAAAHFFFLEGSHHH!!! I HATE IT!

Matt and I were in Walmart today, he was asking me all sorts of stuff about what he should get Shaylee for valentines. My reply? "You shouldnt ask me such questions, I suck at them, so much so that I was just dumped because I suck!" His reply? "You dont suck at the questions, you just suck at answering them."

Tomorrows Valentines and its like Im starting all over. Except with the knowledge that it'll be pointless, it wont work, even if I spill my heart and put everything into it right now it'll be fruitless. I have to wait, and I cant, it hurts. Every time I see her my heart wont stop beating, every time Im with her I hold my breathe, watch what I say, fidget or act weird. I cant look her in the eye, its impossible. And all the sudden I dont know how to act with other girls, like, when I broke up with Kristi so many months ago I had an ideal in mind. I found something so much better than her, and I strove for that goal, and I reached it. Now...I dont know what to strive for, I dont know how to act, what Im going to do. And its so irritatingly annoying.

"One step foreward, two steps back." I feel like Im back to square one, or somewhere before that. Im falling behind and I want to be ahead, its something so important and I cant grasp it, I cant move. Im stuck and I hate it.

And tomorrow I have to sit through a movie with her, if she shows. Then Ive already made promises to go to the Hannaford youth group to see someone speak about pre marriage relationships, which I know is something she'll probably be at. I was getting so good at thinking clearly, saying what I wanted to say, stopping myself from stuttering and pretending to forget things I was afraid of saying. I prayed we'd talk, that we'd get closer, that she'd tell me what was on her heart. I didn't expect my prayers to be answered like this. Be careful what you ask for right? Its just...gah...

I want so much more than this...so much more. Like being a king forced to live in poverty...I just...I want what I had, I want so much more.

I dont care what it takes now. Im going to fight until theres no point, Ill fight till I cant anymore. Ill take Jago, Ill take Nathe, Ill take anyone else, the whole world I dont care. Ill take them all. And Ill pray for the best. Ill fight for your affection, less I find reason why not to.

So forgive me for becoming like Jago. I hope I can be better than him, but I had something amazing. Something that made me want to be better than myself and continue foreward to a bright future. I want you back, and I dont care how long it takes now.

Please Myth, I want to be there with you when your ready for a relationship. I want to take every step with you and when your ready I want to be the first face you see. I'll not miss my opportunity, Ill not let someone else have you. Not right now. Your too precious a jewel to give up. And I want you to know that even if you dont think you were focused enough on us, even if you had other things on your mind, I wanted to be with you, and support you. And its just so hard to think of you with less than love and affection. So Im sorry if I seem selfish or annoying. But God gave me a precious stone, and I want to keep it.

~sam~
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Monday, February 12, 2007

HOHMIYGAWSH
So heres the scooperoo, Friday I ditched you all to run away to Billings, where our basketball team played (and lost to) the YellowStone Knights. The next day we played Billings Christian, which made me change my mind about the worst team in our league. JV boys won 66-17. JV boys won against varsity, 62-15. No joke. They suck, that bad. Anyways, thats all in the past now. In other news, Rachael is a meany poo poo head, Night at the Museum is a good movie, and I never want to run an errand again.

Katie has a canker sore, so dad sent me to heritage food for some medicine, I come back with the wrong stuff, he sends me in again, their closed. I check the gas station, nothing, I call dad and he sends me into town to go to walmart. I get to walmart, Im there looking for a half hour. I FINALLY get home with an hour and a half cut off my remaining life span. How pleasent.

Aside from that I have a nifty picture to show you all, so if you want, check it out here: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/48606012/

Thats all for now folks, toodles!
~Sam~
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Wednesday, February 7, 2007

NOOOOO
NOOOOO I DO NOT! I AM NOT! I REFUSE TO BE! LEAVE ME IN DENIAL FOOLS!

I am not sixteen! I refuse to accept it! The logic does not fit! "Why?" you ask? Well, simply put I do not feel sixteen at all. In fact, if anything, I feel like Im still fifteen. All over again. Nothing new, nothing old, its all the same. In fact, thanks to basketball were holding off the party again, so its probably going to be exactly like last year. Cept with different people. Which is better I suppose, or worse, depending on how you look at it. Wow, Im ranting again. Weird.

I find myself on rebound all the sudden, and its getting annoying. Every time I heard someone say "Im on the rebound" or "She's on the rebound" or something like that Ive always thought it was retarded, but now I suppose I can relate. All the sudden Im looking at friends like they could be so much more and its awefully annoying because I know that nothing good can come from it and theres just no point. ITS FREAKING ANNOYING. Out of nowhere I start thinking about Meagan, or Mallissa, or or...any freaking girl I happen to be talking to. Which is not only annoying but just plain...ew...gross.

On the flip side, I was able to breathe and concentrate while talking to Mythrin today. Which is amazing, I think....Crap...I just spent the last ten minutes ignoring this post and talking to said woman, and can no longer remember what I was ranting about. CURSE YOU MYTHRIN! CURSE YOU!!!!!

Anyways...I think thats about it for now...I guess, unless I remember something. Oh, just so everyone knows, somethings gone wiggy with my computer and I seem unable to open or reply to any comments you may or may not make. Much apollogies in advance for lack of response. ^_^"

~Sam~
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When all is said and done...
Ever wondered why I put "..." at the end of all my titles? I never wondered that until just a second ago. Weird really. Owell.

In other news I'd like to say, its all good. I know Mr. Fuller hates that but that only makes me want to say it all the more. Everything is okay, its all good, everything is going to be alright.

Ive decided that theres no point in moping around any more, because Im sure Im not the only one hurt by this sudden change. I mean look at Mythrin, she practically died yesterday (literally), though that may not have anything to do with the break up Im going to pretend it does and blame that. But seriously, I think Im done. Ive gotten sick of the last three nights not being able to sleep. I find myself concentrating less on my homework but that will pass in time Im sure. I dont seem to be very happy and I found today that breathing and concentrating at the same time as Mythrin's in the room is completely impossible but I figure at this point its time to either move on or just shut down. And knowing how the world works, I know that shutting down is the stupidest decision in the world for a number of reasons. *coughnatheandjamescough*

So as I sit here, in my chair, at my desk, I find myself thinking that this isnt the worst thing that could have happened. Things could have gone alot worse. Though I guess this means no sweet sixteen for me (hahaha...ha...ahh...) bad joke. But seriously, What else can I do but keep on going? And now, Im sure that you've all noticed, I seem to have lost my train of thought. But I just want everyone to know that Im alright. And things will be awkward for awhile and granted, I dont plan to do any concentrating for lack of oxygen but Ill put it in God's big...freakishly large hands, and work through this. And in the end, regardless of whether or not I end up with the girl, I know it'll be alright.

SO THERE. Thats my rant for today. Cuz yeah...I needed to rant. Ive gotten enough pity looks today to last me the rest of the week, perhaps even the month. So no more of that, I can only go up from here. Less I get shot or something. Then I'd be down for awhile. BUT THEN I'D GO UP! Yeah, in your face fools.

http://greetings.theotaku.com/view.php?action=retrieve&id=78148

ANYWAYS, Im off to see the wizard. Maybe he's got some courage to help me out. ;)

~Sam~
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Saturday, February 3, 2007

   Ouch
This seems to hurt alot more than I'd originally thought it would. Still...ow... >.<

Hey, can you explain the intricateness of this whole decision again? I kinda missed most of it as I was still in shock when you explained it.

Owwwww....

>.<
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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

   No cosplay here
Well, in light of everyone being all super cosplay like (and I must admit, downright sexy) in their costumes for Anime Oasis, Ive started to work on my own suit. Kankuro to be exact, as Im supposed to be going with Mythrin and Etaru as the last of the Sand team. Though somewhat unfortunate that Im being towed along in order to finish the trio, its exciting non the less.

ANYWAYS, though many of you may not know, I host no special talents in the field of sewing, stitching, creative designing or anything like that. If someone tells me to do something, dont get me wrong, I can do it to the utmost perfection (if I know how). So the creating of this Kankuro suit is rather hard for me. And since Ive gotten sick of working on it today, I decided to draw a piccy (something I find myself much more taltented at).

So without further adue, here is Naeva and Gin. Two characters from the yet-to-be-released story known only as Xenophobic.

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/47677487/

The couple is seen here cuddling on a couch, Naeva, is asleep. I think a certain someone should learn from Naeva's example and SLEEP MORE. *coughmythrincough* Especially on her boyfriends lap. I bet that'd make him happy. ANYWAYS!

Aside from that, Ive been stricken with pink eye yet again and had to spend the day at home. After going through two sodas, two sandwhiches, a bag of popcorn, and a whole pizza...theres just not much left to do at home. Sad.

Anyways, Im off for the night. Toodles. ^_^
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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

   WE WON
Wow. Looking down at my last post I remember why I try NOT to write poetry. It never turns out that well, and its usually pessimistic. Thats seems to happen every now and then. I THINK IM BI POLAR. Lol, actually, Mythrin's quiz says Im a depressing vengful cow. Thanks Mythrin, much love.

Seriously though, much love for Mythrin. Her last post (1-19-07) was the first time she'd mentioned in a post she has a boyfriend! Really, I read all the posts. That was the first time she'd mentioned it. And it made me happy, cuz I sometimes think she doesn't like the fact that were dating. Like she just went along with it when I asked her out so as not to make me cry or something. Not that she hasnt made me cry mind you, shes got a good punch that girl. *wince*

Wow, Im in an oddly cheery mood tonight. ITS BED TIME. Yes it is. Its been bed time for along time. Oh yeah, we won our basketball game. Just so you know where the title of this post comes from. XD

Anyways, off to beddy night night! Love to you all! *hugs*
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Saturday, January 20, 2007

   Goodnight.
I clentch my teeth every time I try to talk
I bite my tongue to keep back my doubt
When I think of it I find I can't walk
So what the hell is this all about!?

I cry at night when I think of it all
I can't lift myself up anymore than this
Im too scared to stand, too afraid to fall
I aim to find out, but I seem to miss.

"What do you want from me?" Is what I ask
"Do you love me or no?
Whats behind your mask?"
I ask you, I beg you, What more could you want!?

I said it YOU KNOW, Ill scream it I swear!
If you'd just let me into your thoughts
Please, I beg, wake me from this nightmare!
Let me share in your gamble, fortunes, and lots.

"What more do you want?"
"How long have you pulled?"
"Will you save me, convict me?"
"This war's getting old."

I want to scream it sometimes "I LOVE YOU!"
But I figured it'd fail since you already knew
I'd give you soda or candy or chocolate to chew
If only you give in, remind me anew.

Im not like the others, I wont beg for mercy
Ill take on your jeers and taughts like a man
I just wish you'd remind me again and again
Just wish that you'd love me, as more than I am.
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