Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The game of love.
You know what sucks about the game of love? Ill tell yah, its like monopoly. You know? Or Sorry!, whatever game you want to compare it too, its still just a pain.

I think I rolled the wrong number today, I mean, it was like rolling the dice and landing on the "Go back to start, do not pass GO, do not collect 200 dollars". TODAY SUCKED. I could not breathe, nor concentrate, and I just sat there. Moping. At chapel, I hate it I couldnt pay attention. I laughed when everyone laughed, I shook my head when everyone shook their heads, I DIDNT PAY ATTENTION. GHAAAHAHHAHGGGLEEEMEMEMEMPOO.

If its not one thing, its another. 8th grade year, they just left me. Last year, I was sick as hell. THIS YEAR, I'll just be plain out of it, if Im not bed ridden with some love sick ailment. Is like BLOOOSHGIGIGIGMAAAHFFFLEGSHHH!!! I HATE IT!

Matt and I were in Walmart today, he was asking me all sorts of stuff about what he should get Shaylee for valentines. My reply? "You shouldnt ask me such questions, I suck at them, so much so that I was just dumped because I suck!" His reply? "You dont suck at the questions, you just suck at answering them."

Tomorrows Valentines and its like Im starting all over. Except with the knowledge that it'll be pointless, it wont work, even if I spill my heart and put everything into it right now it'll be fruitless. I have to wait, and I cant, it hurts. Every time I see her my heart wont stop beating, every time Im with her I hold my breathe, watch what I say, fidget or act weird. I cant look her in the eye, its impossible. And all the sudden I dont know how to act with other girls, like, when I broke up with Kristi so many months ago I had an ideal in mind. I found something so much better than her, and I strove for that goal, and I reached it. Now...I dont know what to strive for, I dont know how to act, what Im going to do. And its so irritatingly annoying.

"One step foreward, two steps back." I feel like Im back to square one, or somewhere before that. Im falling behind and I want to be ahead, its something so important and I cant grasp it, I cant move. Im stuck and I hate it.

And tomorrow I have to sit through a movie with her, if she shows. Then Ive already made promises to go to the Hannaford youth group to see someone speak about pre marriage relationships, which I know is something she'll probably be at. I was getting so good at thinking clearly, saying what I wanted to say, stopping myself from stuttering and pretending to forget things I was afraid of saying. I prayed we'd talk, that we'd get closer, that she'd tell me what was on her heart. I didn't expect my prayers to be answered like this. Be careful what you ask for right? Its just...gah...

I want so much more than this...so much more. Like being a king forced to live in poverty...I just...I want what I had, I want so much more.

I dont care what it takes now. Im going to fight until theres no point, Ill fight till I cant anymore. Ill take Jago, Ill take Nathe, Ill take anyone else, the whole world I dont care. Ill take them all. And Ill pray for the best. Ill fight for your affection, less I find reason why not to.

So forgive me for becoming like Jago. I hope I can be better than him, but I had something amazing. Something that made me want to be better than myself and continue foreward to a bright future. I want you back, and I dont care how long it takes now.

Please Myth, I want to be there with you when your ready for a relationship. I want to take every step with you and when your ready I want to be the first face you see. I'll not miss my opportunity, Ill not let someone else have you. Not right now. Your too precious a jewel to give up. And I want you to know that even if you dont think you were focused enough on us, even if you had other things on your mind, I wanted to be with you, and support you. And its just so hard to think of you with less than love and affection. So Im sorry if I seem selfish or annoying. But God gave me a precious stone, and I want to keep it.

~sam~
Comments (0)