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myOtaku.com: Keiko Inchihara
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Sunday, November 13, 2005
It is impossible for a decision to be implemented straightaway. Everything takes time to take shape, and I can feel mine taking one... finally.
I don't know if he saw me, but that isn't important. I ignored him because I knew I had to, and I will always avoid him. I know he'll think I'm childish and unreasonable, but I really cannot be bothered with what he thinks anymore. I had cared too much.
If you like a person you will give yourself away by little actions you do. And I have convinced myself he doesn't like me. The fact that I'm unhappy is inescapable. I'm tired of pretending I'm happy - there isn't even a need for it in the first place. I guess I was just being wishful.
Can't believe how I cried after having that conversation with him. Even during the day before the conversation took place I was already upset. That tells a lot, doesn't it? I don't understand why I still continued torturing myself... I won't stop talking to him, because I'd like to maintain a "friendly" front... eventually. I will live to be myself, to love myself. There are too many things in life waiting for me other than him.
I will always treasure my memories with him, and I may still cry whenever I think of him, but my mind truly is made up. I sincerely hope he gets a girlfriend soon, and that he'll be happy. From wanting to be the person in his life to this.. Is this the highest spiritual attainment of whatever I had felt for him?
It sure never pays.
[EDIT: Oh yea, I like, totally gained 7 pounds since the break-up! Wooo!!! Sweeeet! I suppose it DOES pay in a way... but... yea.]
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