Sunday, November 21, 2004

   It's been awhile.
Well well well, look who's back, ME! Sorry for the long and drawn out absence, I've been really busy the last little while but I promise you I will not take an unanounced Hiatus like that again without letting everyone know.

This past week I've been haunted with self doubt, depression, worry, nightmares, and the ghost of what could be. I'm sure none of that made anysense to any of you and I don't wish to explain. but I will say this:

Has anyone ever felt like there is one decision, or one action you must do that will determine the rest of your life? I'm feeling that way right now and am very conflicted. The feeling has been daunting over me all year but was just recently thrust into focus by a current nightmare I had friday night. My life is so fucked up right now.

On a different note, Congrats to my friend Nicole on getting a job, I'm very proud and excited for her. Also, Garden State is back in a theater near me and I'm going to see it everyday this week, even if I have to go alone. i know someone I'd like to go with, but I probably wont have the guts to ask him, and when I finally do at the last minute, he will have to work (which in reality is just an excuse to not go with me.)

Anyways.

The song of the day is GIVE UP THE GRUDGE by GoB, which I dedicate to Wayne who was pissing me right off today. (more on that little perv tomarrow when I have time):

Don't make me listen to the stupid broken record again
The needle's skippin' and repeatin' never reaching the end
You know you're bitching and complaining like you've got it so tough
We're sick of all your crying will you ever shut up?

So keep bleeding your fake blood 'till no one ever sees it
If that's the best you can make up at least act like you mean it

Give up the grudge
Shut your fucking mouth
why you gotta judge everybody but yourself
Take a look around you
There ain't nobody home
I may be a loser
But at least I'm not alone

Your mercedes won't start
Yeah that's a crying shame
I guess 90K a year buys nothing but complaints
The people in my neighborhood think that I'm a threat
While the boss gets richer they get deeper in debt!

So keep bleeding your fake blood 'till no one even sees it
If that's the best you can make up at least act like you mean it

Give up the grudge
Shut your fucking mouth
why you gotta judge everybody but yourself
Take a look around you
There ain't nobody home
I may be a loser
But at least I'm not alone

yes, Anyways.


I go to bed now, hopefully I'll get a little sleep,(damn nightmares).
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Sunday, November 7, 2004

New week, New theme
Well, All good things must come to and end. Zach Braff week shall come to a close with my favorite picture of him. Coincidentally he looks like John Ritter in this picture.

Today I went and checked out Humber college today. I'm uber excited to go there!
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Saturday, November 6, 2004

OOPS
Hi all, sorry there was no update yesterday, as I am sorry today's will also be very short. Todays new background is Zach in one of his firt movies The Broken Hearts Club which is about a gay baseball team or something, I haven't seen it yet but I have been meaning to. So this picture of Zach with his uber bleach blond hair makes me laugh every time.

As soon as Step palmer emails it to me, up on my site for the firs time ever will be Eric's film debute called "I run through the halls with a plastic bag on my head" Comming to an otaku near you.
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Thursday, November 4, 2004

   Whoot
Yes, Background number four today is of Zach and Nat at the London Film festival. They both have on the funniest expressions.

Anywho today, what happened today...
for starters, nothing bad for once, so thats always good. Mr. caslicks class is back to the old notetaking grindstone and Mr. smith was gone again, that man misses more school than I do. I hope you have a note to explain your absence mr.....

Also it was discovered that me and Jess think alike, so alike infact that it's scary. Bah, I'm still really mad at her, but I can't let her win, just like she can't let Jen win.... anyways. Bah.

Beth scarred us all for life today when she informed us all that she can rest her ginormous boobs on the table like a shelf. What makes me laugh is Steph Palmer got her saying that on video tape.... Blackmail here we come.

Other than that, all you nee dto know is i had an uber good spare and I am in heart. Yes in HEART I tell you. tee hee. lol.
but I got to go to work now so.. see you tomarrow with a new Zach Background.


By the way, yester day i ordered his brothers book titled: The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green and I am uber excited for it to get here which will be in like a week. EEEEEEEE can't wait!!!


and yes Nicole, I am in heart and I aint denying it no more!
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Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Not alot to say, without putting my foot in my mouth... AGAIN
Wow, yesterday... well it sucked. Not only have I proven to people I know and don't know that I'm the biggest ass ever but I have just confused the hell outta myself and decided to just give up.

I deleted yesterdays post obviously, because this is in place of it. And I'm really so sorry nicole. I feel so bad. Guilt is eating me.

I have managed to get what I know of the facts.. or what I am being told the facts are by Niki and Nicole (sorry I even doubted you for a second, I'm an ass)people I trust not to lie to me... in order. They are as fallows:

1) I'm a big ass and a bad friend (no one told me this one, I figured it out on my own)

2) Jessica, NOT nicole, was the one saying things to Chris about me that she had no buisness saying (because half of them are filthy lies)

3) Chris is a dumbass because even after all the filthy lies and the obvious flirting he STILL doesn't get that I like him. (This guy is oblivious, he needs a clue.)

And here is what I am going to do about the situation at hand:

1) Apologise to Nicole at every chance I get. (I'm Sorry Nicole :(

2) Not say anything to Jess, not threaten her life, not call her a dirty lieing whore, not even acknowlage that I know what she did. Because she wants me to make a big scene about it, thats what she wants; attention. And I am not about to give it too her because then she'll win. OOH no, you just keep doin what your doing jess (you lieing whore)

3) Try not to jump to insanely rediculous conclusions ever agian. (I'm sorry Nicole)

4) Stop denying that I like Chris. Jess basicly told everyone I know, and I basically told the whole world yesterday in my rageaholic ranting. So the next time someone asks me about it, I will just tell them the truth, Yes I like Chris, alot. What was the point of trying to keep that covered up anyway, that was kind of dumb (lol mabe if I never tell anyone, he'll go out with me. Yea right like that works)

Also as you can see, Day three of Zach Braff week has us with a new wall paper, this one is kind of creepy cause there is so many of him, lol. Unfortunately this week there was no Scrubs episode due to the US election. for those of you who don't know Bush was voted in for another term, something I have mixed feelings about.
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Monday, November 1, 2004

   OH MY F***ING GOD!!!!!!!
Sorry, the internet is really pissing me off today.I haven't posted since my last cryptic remarks, mostly due to embarassment. I assure you all that I feel alot better now. I will try to keep this post as short as possible but a lot is happening.

First order of buisness; I'm sure you've all noticed that I've changed the wall paper and it is not remotely anime, as much as I apologise it is ZACH BRAFF WEEK here at Kerostar's otaku. I HEART ZACH. Anyways, for those of you who don't know about Zach Braff (for shame) He is the amazingly talented Writer/Director/Lead Actor in the increadible film GARDEN STATE. For those of you who haven't seen Garden State (for shame) Zach also stars in NBC's Comedy sitcom SCRUBS every tuesday night at 9:00, my time. He is the funniest man alive I swear it. He is also amazingly goodlooking. He is featured on my wall paper with his garden state co-star Nat Portman in a scene from garden state. There will be a new Zach wall paper every day (YAY!!!) For those who wish to learn more about him go here: http://www.zach-braff.com/ or to his official Blog: http://www2.foxsearchlight.com/gardenstate/blog/

On to bigger things; on saturday I had a Halloween party that was, well, interesting. I'm sure you all have heard about if from Nicole and Niki but here is a list of stupid things I did or said:
1)I ran full force into my shed, because I couldn't get the doors shut.
2)I feel off my rocking chair and landed on my face, then I spent the next hour accusing people of punching me in face. No one did, alot of people wanted too.
3)I gave everyone hugs for about an hour even after they told me to go away.
4)I kicked the wall of the room repeatedly for an hour that my friends were trying to sleep and yelled at them for no reason, then I got up in an angry huff and chucked my friends bra across the room.
5)I tried repeatedly to disrobe shane for jess.
6)Finnally, I apparently said things that I will regret but I don't remember what I said and Nicole wont tell me

It was a good time.

I've decided to go on the detroit trip with the history class, we be going to the ghetto.

yep that is all, see every one tomarrow.
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Sunday, October 24, 2004

   Depressing Music isn't fun sometimes....
Yep, I'm sitting here at 2:30 in the morning ALONE and thinking it will always be that way. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate on anything, I can't even think straight so if this post is a little disjointed I apologise. I just wonder if anyone out there has ever felt so alone, that even if you were in a room full of people screaming, no one would hear you. Of course I actually am alone, and if i started screaming i would wake up my dad and the shit would hit the fan, but believe me the thought has crossed my mind a few times.

I think I have actually hit rock bottom and I know exactly what is at the root of my little depression interlude. It's funny though, I always go through this stage first, rock bottom depression, then self doubt. This time though there was actually hope first, actually effort (although not much, what can I say I'm a chicken), but now the cold hard truth is starting to sink in, but not deep set just in short bursts mingled with the realization of the absolute truth, then I launch right into fooling myself again. I guess I'm notmakingmuch sense, Can't say I didn't warn you.

I guess what's really hitting me hard right now is that What happened on friday means so much to me, SO MUCH and nothing to him. And when I see him again on monday nothing will have changed even though a simple thing like dancing hit me so hard. I am hopeless, and I am warning you Nicole do not make fun of me, I am in the grips of Self hatred so strong right now I bet you can feel it across the city. Thats right! Anyway. I guess I just really need someone to talk to right now, which isn't going to happen at quarter to three in the morning, so here I am, pouring my heart out in a way that seems like I have ADHD to compelete strangers. And on monday he'll just keep stareing at that damn gameboy. But I know he is special because it took me so long to start feeling bad about myself, and even now theres a glimmer of hope that I'm crazy. It usually goes to this right away.

Here is my current depressing sony Lyrics, It is an awsome song though:

Blue Eyes by the Cary Brothers:

Wish enough, wise man'll tell you a lie
Window broke, torn up screens
Who'd have thought that you'd dream
Of a single tragic scene

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just want to take it off of you

Cause Blue Eyes
You are all that I need
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the sweet to my mean

Fess it up, dot on the palm of your hand
I can help you to stand
Saved it up for this dance
Tell me all the things you can

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna be the one that's true

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes

All the lights on and you are alive
But you can't point the way to your heart
So sublime, when the stars are aligned
But you don't know
You don't know the greatness you are

Cause Blue Eyes
You are destiny's scene
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna be the one

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna get it on with you

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna sing a song with you…

And then there is Such Great Heights by Iron & Wine:
I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and
When we kiss they're perfectly aligned

And I have to speculate
That God himself did make us into
Corresponding shapes like puzzles pieces
From the clay

True, it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this
That catch my troubled head
When you're away, when I am missing you to death

When you were out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll stay

I've tried my best to leave
This all on your machine
But the persistent beat
Sounded thin upon listening

That frankly will not fly
You will hear the shrillest highs
And lowest lows with the windows down
When this is guiding you home

They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll say

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Tuesday, October 19, 2004

   I Hate School
Right now I'm skipping history and trying to avoiud being caught by Mr. Smith. I'm Uber parinoid. I've never posted at school before but today I have some spare time. I'm also ducking Mrs Grahm by pretending that I'm researching Glycolysis for Biology class. Wow, the stress. Lol.

I've started preparations for my Halloween costume. I'm going to be a moogle!!! I'm excited. I only have two days to finish my costume and limited Money, so It might not make it for thursday (The day of the dance) Anyway. All I really need is.... well everything. :(

Wish me luck.
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Monday, October 18, 2004

   WHOOT, that one was for you Nicoles.
As you all can see, I have to changed my background to my favorite videogame love story of all time, besides Link and Zelda of course. Yes, that is Yuna and Tidus, I heart them.

I had a fairly good day, There was no drugging, no turkey in a box, no tap session, and certianly none of Beth's feet thank god. However I did get burned by Jimmy today, and h i shall have my revenge. He's gonna wake up one morning to find that Hack shoved up his ass.

Work was it's usual self, A bunch of pissed off fat people wanting their big macs. I'm Uber tired, and can't wait to go to sleep.
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Saturday, October 16, 2004

Don't Trust Anybody At the Embassy
I went last night to the Embassy Hotel, this dirty bar downtown, to see Blue Skies at War, an awsome band. Unfortunately I don't remember much of their set. When we got there I remember having a bad headache and asking some random person for advil. After I took the pills I don't remember a lot.

I remember some parts of being in the moshpit, I have a black eye now. I remember Making out with some random guy. I remember My friend dropping the trunk hood on my head. I remember throwing one of my friends purses out the window while we were driving and that is all.

That's not alot of memory considering how long we were there. I have a sneaking suspicion those weren't advil. Especially because I woke up with a killer headache, and now I have to go to work. It's gonna be a fun day.
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