Sunday, October 24, 2004

   Depressing Music isn't fun sometimes....
Yep, I'm sitting here at 2:30 in the morning ALONE and thinking it will always be that way. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate on anything, I can't even think straight so if this post is a little disjointed I apologise. I just wonder if anyone out there has ever felt so alone, that even if you were in a room full of people screaming, no one would hear you. Of course I actually am alone, and if i started screaming i would wake up my dad and the shit would hit the fan, but believe me the thought has crossed my mind a few times.

I think I have actually hit rock bottom and I know exactly what is at the root of my little depression interlude. It's funny though, I always go through this stage first, rock bottom depression, then self doubt. This time though there was actually hope first, actually effort (although not much, what can I say I'm a chicken), but now the cold hard truth is starting to sink in, but not deep set just in short bursts mingled with the realization of the absolute truth, then I launch right into fooling myself again. I guess I'm notmakingmuch sense, Can't say I didn't warn you.

I guess what's really hitting me hard right now is that What happened on friday means so much to me, SO MUCH and nothing to him. And when I see him again on monday nothing will have changed even though a simple thing like dancing hit me so hard. I am hopeless, and I am warning you Nicole do not make fun of me, I am in the grips of Self hatred so strong right now I bet you can feel it across the city. Thats right! Anyway. I guess I just really need someone to talk to right now, which isn't going to happen at quarter to three in the morning, so here I am, pouring my heart out in a way that seems like I have ADHD to compelete strangers. And on monday he'll just keep stareing at that damn gameboy. But I know he is special because it took me so long to start feeling bad about myself, and even now theres a glimmer of hope that I'm crazy. It usually goes to this right away.

Here is my current depressing sony Lyrics, It is an awsome song though:

Blue Eyes by the Cary Brothers:

Wish enough, wise man'll tell you a lie
Window broke, torn up screens
Who'd have thought that you'd dream
Of a single tragic scene

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just want to take it off of you

Cause Blue Eyes
You are all that I need
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the sweet to my mean

Fess it up, dot on the palm of your hand
I can help you to stand
Saved it up for this dance
Tell me all the things you can

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna be the one that's true

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes

All the lights on and you are alive
But you can't point the way to your heart
So sublime, when the stars are aligned
But you don't know
You don't know the greatness you are

Cause Blue Eyes
You are destiny's scene
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna be the one

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna get it on with you

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna sing a song with you…

And then there is Such Great Heights by Iron & Wine:
I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and
When we kiss they're perfectly aligned

And I have to speculate
That God himself did make us into
Corresponding shapes like puzzles pieces
From the clay

True, it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this
That catch my troubled head
When you're away, when I am missing you to death

When you were out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll stay

I've tried my best to leave
This all on your machine
But the persistent beat
Sounded thin upon listening

That frankly will not fly
You will hear the shrillest highs
And lowest lows with the windows down
When this is guiding you home

They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll say

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