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Maury: “Hello and welcome to our show. Today we’re going to be talking about a man we’ve had many viewer phone calls about: Miroku. We are going to be talking to some of his friends to find out who this man really is. Lets welcome him to our stage, Miroku!”
*Miroku walks out and takes the seat nearest to Maury.*
*The audience stands and applauds. Screams from the audience are heard: “Miroku, I’ll bear your child!”, “You stay away from my girlfriend, monk!” and “I love you Miroku!!!”*
Miroku: “It’s nice to be here Maury.” *smile*
*A woman tries to run out on stage and throw herself at Miroku. A security guy grabs her and drags her off. She struggles to get away as she yells: “Miroku! Marry me Miroku!!!” She is dragged offstage.*
Maury: "I'm sorry about her Miroku, crazy people sneak in here sometimes."
Miroku: "Don't worry about it, that happens all the time. I'm very popular with the ladies." *winks at the audience*
Maury: "So Miroku, we want to know, what kind of person are you?”
Miroku: “Well Maury, I’ve got very high morals, I’m very virtuous and I spend my free time saving the innocent and cuddling puppies.”
Women in the audience: “AAAAwwww!”
Maury: “And, do you think your friends would describe you the same way?”
Miroku: “Of course Maury. You don’t think I’m lying, do you?”
Maury: “We’ll see. Now, lets welcome our first guest. She’s decided that she does not want her identity revealed, so we’re going to be talking to her on our monitor.” *Turning to monitor* “We’ll be referring to her as Ms. X. Ms. X has been listening from backstage. Now, Ms. X, how would you describe Miroku?”
An image appears on the monitor.
Ms. X: “High morals?! Why you lying little *beep* *bebeep* always trying to touch my *beep* butt!”
Audience: “OOOOoooOOoooh!”
Maury: “Calm down please Ms. X. Could you say that again, using less vulgar language so our television audience will be able to hear it?”
Ms. X: “I’m sorry Maury, it’s just that when I heard him saying that he was virtuous and moral I got a little angry.”
Maury: “So, you wouldn’t use those words to describe him?”
Ms. X: “Ha! Would a moral man ask nearly every woman he comes across if they will have his child? Would a moral man touch my butt at every chance he gets? THAT’S SEXUAL HARASSMENT MAURY!"
Maury: “Is what she says true, Miroku? Do you really do these things?”
Miroku: “No! No, of course not Maury! I don’t know what Miroku she’s talking about, but it’s not me. Miroku is a very popular name you know.”
Ms. X: “I know what Miroku I’m talking about you lecherous monk! It’s you! You’re pathetic! You’ll take any woman who crosses your path!”
Miroku: "That’s not true! I have very high standards."
Maury: “Really Miroku? Can you describe for us your idea of a perfect woman?”
Miroku: “Certainly Maury. She must be between the ages of 4 and 87.”
Maury: “And?”
Miroku: “And what? That’s all.”
Maury: “Ok, let’s move onto our next guest. He’s a Half-Demon boy who has been traveling with Miroku for several months now. Lets welcome him to our stage, Inuyasha!”
*Inuyasha walks out on stage* *the audience claps* *a half-crazed woman wearing hand-made dog ears and holding a “Inuyasha is my God” sign stands up and begins waving the sign around. She is screaming and giggling uncontrollably.*
*Inuyasha whips out Tetsusaiga*
Inuyasha: “Look out! They’re attacking! I’ll take care of them!”
Maury: “NO! No, um, please sit down Mr. Inuyasha. They’re only the audience. They’re happy to see you."
Inuyasha: “So…they’re…not youkai***?”
***Youkai. Japanese for "Demon"
Maury: “I…don’t think so.”
Inuyasha: “Oh. Ok then.”
*Inuyasha sits down in a chair next to Miroku*
Maury: “…right… So, Inuyasha, as I understand it, you have a homosexual relationship with Miroku. Is that true?”
Inuyasha: “NO! I can’t believe you just said that! You’ve just provided inspiration for hundreds of Shounen-Ai fanfics!"*** ***Shounen-Ai Fanfics. "Shounen-Ai" is a term that means "boy love" and a fanfic (or "fanfiction) is a story written by a fan.
*Inuyasha scoots his chair a few feet away from Miroku’s*
Maury: "So, you’re denying it. What do you have to say about this Miroku?”
Miroku: “Even I have standards Maury, and that’s a line I just will NOT cross.”
Maury: “Oh really? Then maybe you’d like to explain to our viewers what’s going on in this photo?”
*Inuyasha and Miroku are both silent. They’re faces are getting redder by the second*
Inuyasha: “Where did you get that!?! I’ll KILL whoever sent that in!!!”
Maury: “No, I’m afraid we can’t reveal the identity of the person who gave us this. We'll just call him “Tesshoumaru”
*Inuyasha runs offstage shouting “Sesshoumaru! I’ll get you for this!!! I‘m going public with those photos of you painting your finger nails!!! Who‘s sexual preferences do you think will be in question then?!?”*
Maury: “O…k…well, Miroku, can you explain to us what this picture is about?”
Miroku: “Gladly. You see, this picture was completely taken out of context Maury. I was whispering something to Inuyasha. That’s all, just whispering. That’s why I’m so close to him in this photo.”
Maury: “Whispering?”
Miroku: “Yes. Just whispering.”
Maury: “And…why did you need to rub Inuyasha’s arm in order to whisper to him?”
Miroku: “I…I…saw a bug on it. I was swishing it off.”
Maury: “But, then why did you - “
Miroku: “LET’S JUST DROP THE SUBJECT, OK MAURY!?!”
Maury: “Ok, have it your way. I’m afraid we have to go to commercial break now. We’ll be right back.”
COMMERCIAL
Maury: “We’re back. If you’re just joining us, we’re talking to Miroku. He’s just denied the long-standing rumors of homosexuality that have plagued his career, despite photographic proof.”
Miroku: “Maury, when I spoke to you on the phone prior to the show, you agreed that you wouldn’t talk about this.”
Maury: “I lied. Our next guest is a village woman who has bravely decided to confront her dark and heartless attacker. Let’s welcome her!”
Miroku: “Dark and heartless attacker? Who’s that Maury?”
*Woman walks out on stage, looking a bit afraid*
Maury: “It’s very brave of you to stand up to Miroku, ma’am.
Miroku: “What!?”
Woman: “Thank you Maury. I want this man to know he ruined my life.”
Miroku: “Wait…I don’t like the direction this is going…what’s all this about?”
Maury: “Please ma’am, tell us exactly what happened. Take us into your nightmarish world of Miroku fear.”
Woman: “I was walking along a road just outside my village, when I tripped on a stone and twisted my ankle. I lay there for a few minutes, trying to decide how to get back to the village, when I saw this man walking up. “Please sir, can you help me get home?” I asked him. He said he would. He picked me up, and carried me back to my village. I was very grateful, who knows how long I would’ve been stranded on that road if it weren’t for him? When we got to my village, he sat me down on a wooden fence. And….and….”
Maury: “I know it’s hard, but please try to be brave. You’re story may help to save other woman from this monster!”
Miroku: "……….."
Woman: “And….he….TOUCHED BY BUTT! I screamed and yelled for someone to help me! He got scared that someone would discover his terrible, disgusting act, and ran for it!”
Miroku: “I…I would never do something like that!”
Maury: “Ma’am, are you sure it was Miroku who did this?”
Woman: “I’m sure. I drew this picture of him just after the incident.”
*She shows the audience the picture*
Audience: “OOOOOooooooooOOOoo!”
Maury: “Amazing. It looks just like him.”
Miroku: “Are you people blind!? That looks nothing like me!”
Maury: “I’m afraid we’re almost out of time for today’s show. But, I think we’ve accomplished something very important. We’ve warned the entire world of the horror that is Miroku.”
Miroku: “Wait! Give me a chance to explain! Give me a chance to -!”
*Miroku is dragged off by security*
Maury: “Ok! That’s it for today’s show! Join us next time when our topic is: “Jaken Gets a Makeover!” See you tomorrow everybody!”
*Audience stands and claps. Maury’s ending music plays, and the screen fades to black*
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Miroku is a guest on the Maury Show!!!