Sunday, January 28, 2007

Damn myspace and me along with it!
I hate myself sometimes. Like right now, I just found out that my friend who suppossedly doesn't have a myspace, has a myspace. (Hell now I care about freakin' myspace! I hate myspace) This isn't a big deal I don't have a myspace either, but why would he lie about it? Is he doing things he doesn't want me to know about? It's ridiculous! What could he possibly do? He's not the sort of person that drinks or parties so ZOMG he must be talking to other girls! Big freakin' deal I'm not his girlfriend why would I care? Unless he's talking dirty in which case I would be offended and couldn't talk to him for a while at least. I just don't understand what the point is in lieing about it when it doesn't matter. I then I get to thinking what if he doesn't want me to read it because he's kissing everyone else's ass (which is highly possible because he kisses a lot of ass) and he doesn't want me to see. Or worse yet, he acts one way around me and acts another around other people or maybe he talks about me behind his back. I know that's a major leap but it's highly possible because he does that exact thing to another girl we know.

And now on to why I hate myself currently, I said something to the effect of well I'm just going to ask him about it tomorrow and my mom and sister were like, "Don't do it, you'll get mad and go off on him." and it's true. I lash out at people for no reason. They do something slight and maybe I'm crazy but lieing to me is so damn depressing. Why the hell lie to me? I've done this before, I'll go talk to the person about whatever's bothering me and I'll be trying to do so calmly and I just snap and say the nastiest things. I feel like shit I do it occasionally and scar people emotionally. I got to where I just wouldn't say anything no matter what had been said just so I wouldn't freak on them but I should say something if something bothers me, right? I'm such an ass. It's like on Friday he got me started on how he's always crushing my hopes. And seriously some of the things he says to me he shouldn't ever say and I know he's not meaning to be an ass but I went off on him a little and I felt so bad about it I almost cryed. I just get so upset with people and then I don't say anything for fear of hurting them and I hurt them even more. I drive everyone away eventually. I can't keep friends long and he's probably reached his limit. I'll start self-destructing again. I'm just so damn lonely and everybody seems to know it. I just want to feel needed and damn he trys but he acts that way with everybody and I feel like it's just the same as with everybody else. Like it's not special attention. NOt that I want that kind of thing from him, I just want someone to be my friend. I really want someone to love me dammit someone to hold me tight when I start sinking into horrible spiraling depression. And there's noone not a damn soul that will take me close when I need to be hugged tight. I just have to whole up in my room and pray that someone will come along to save me. But what if they don't? What if nobody wants shit to do with me? What if I'm ugly or as mean-spirited as I think I am? What if I can't have someone that close or I'll rip them apart verbally? It's days like this I sort of wish that I was a prep. That I was a slutty hore and people payed attention to me, that I just screamed at the top of my lungs for all the world to hear. Maybe nobody would want anything to do with the real me, but at least they'd pretend I was interesting. I just feel so worthless. There's just no point in talking to me, I won't lay with you, so go on. Apparently personality and heart mean nothing these days so why not just become a freaking nun? Why not? There's no reason to try anymore. I'm freaking sixteen, SIXTEEN!!! and not one kiss no one has ever held my hand or sat close with me. Never! I know highschool romance isn't real but damn I want to feel appreciated. I'm sure there will be another of these rants on Valentine's. God knows I try not to be affected but I can't help it, I know that 90% of that is show but I wish someone would put on a show for me! I'm so damn shy! I guess I don't put myself out there but why should I when most of them are assholes anyway?

I'm sorry if you read all that but I've basically only got one watcher and he only comes by occasionally so he hopefully won't have read this. (Damn I'm morbid!)
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