It's late Thursday... almost Friday morning, and I'm incredibly upset again.
I'm so upset that I have a stomach ache and probably won't sleep very well tonight. I get so tired of this. Why won't my oldest brother ever consider what I'm going through? Why won't he consider how frustrated I am? Doesn't he realize he's making a Kitsune that already has self-confidence issues feel even more like a failure? All he cares about is what he's going through. He doesn't give a rat's ass that my life has been almost a living hell for the past 15 months. All he cares about is himself. I'm sick of him blaming me for things that I have no control over. I'm sick of him treating me like a failure. I'm sick of him calling me a liar. I'm sick of him making me feel like this. He's going to call tomorrow and I'm going to end up in tears. I know it. I feel like throwing up.
Mistakes I have made:
- Took BASIC programming in high school and fell in love with computers.
- Went to college & a learning center to get an education so I could have a career in the computer field.
- Thought I could have a career.
That last one seems to be the biggest mistake I've made. I thought I wanted a career. All I seem to get are jobs. Now that I've got all this education behind me, it's even hard to get them. I'm over-qualified for so much. And the fact that I've just attained these certificates in the past few months makes me under-qualified for anything that pops up on my job searches for the field into which I thought I wanted to go.
Should I just give up on my dreams? I have a goal for the year 2010. It's a secret goal that only one person knows about. At the rate I'm going, it will never happen. So why do I dream that I'm going to do this thing? I should just give up on my dreams and become yet another drone going from day to day, living from paycheck to paycheck, barely scraping by. I should give up on all the things I like to do: read, draw, work on the computer. My life should become meaningless. My life should leave no imprint on anyone. I am nothing.
Acoustic #3
They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew
And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway
Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
'Cause she's got nowhere to go
And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway
They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling away
And you know I see right through you
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all the screaming
You're not listening anyway
Lyrics by John Rzeznik. Italics by me. The italicized part really sums up things for me right now.
Well, I think it's time for me to take my stomach ache and heartache somewhere else. Sorry I didn't visit sites at all tonight. I don't know exactly when I'll be visiting again. I'll try to post as much as possible, but with the way I feel and having to work all weekend, I may not be able or may not feel like it.
Thanks for your understanding.
Laters....
I hate my life.... (long, depressing post)
