Wednesday, August 17, 2005

   Fic
Does anyone have any ideas what I should title my fic? Any suggestions would be great? Here's the next part.

Caine flopped down on the sofa next to Katherine and sighed tiredly. “The door is still pink but at least the lettering is off,” he said. The police had been at their house for two hours, taking photos of the “crime scene”, asking Caine and Katherine more questions then they could keep track of, and in the end it didn’t do much good at all. Caine and Katherine couldn’t think of anyone they knew who would have enough of a problem with their homosexuality to vandalize their home, except Hector. The police had promised they’d question Hector and finally left, leaving Caine to clean their door. It had token him a half hour to get all the letters off, and deciding that they could live with a pink door for a few days he had come back inside to relax with Kat.

“A pink door isn’t so bad. Sorry I didn’t help you clean,” Kat said. He leaned his head against Caine’s shoulder, still sleepy, and yawned, deeply.

“There is no way I was going to let you help with you hand banged up, so don’t worry about it, angelboy. It wasn’t so hard,” Caine said lifting his shoulder up and placing it on the sofa’s back so Kat could rest against his chest. “Hey, how ‘bout we order some cheesybread from Domino’s? I really don’t feel like cooking anything,” Caine said, slowly getting off the sofa and going for the phone.

“You can order some for yourself but I don’t have an appetite,” Katherine said, even though his stomach was hurting badly from want for nourishment. I have to lose weight, so get use to the empty feeling, he commanded his stomach.

Caine stopped abruptly in his stride and walked back to the sofa, standing over Katherine. “Kat you didn’t eat anything for lunch, isn’t that enough? Please eat something for dinner. If you don’t want cheesybread then tell me what you want and I’ll make it or order it for you, angelboy,” Caine said, sadly. I can’t get mad at Kat after what he went through today but he had to eat, Caine decided.

“I don’t want to eat anything. I won’t eat anything!” Katherine said in almost a shout. He was scared, after the beating Caine had given him earlier he knew he shouldn’t be arguing, but he couldn’t believe that Caine would hurt him after he…he.…..he was raped. Kat intended to use this to his advantage.

“Please, angel boy,” Caine said. “Eat something, anything. Don’t make me have to”

“What, are you going to beat me?” Katherine yelled. “Are you going to hurt me after I was…I was…” Katherine couldn’t bring himself to say the word out loud. He closed his eyes trying to forget what had happen, but as usual, the worst memories were the ones that stayed with him.

Caine didn’t want to upset Kat but he didn’t want him to get in the habit of skipping meals either. He very carefully lifted Kat into his arms and carried him to the kitchen, despite his protests. He placed him down on a chair by the table and placed a banana on the table in front of him. “Please eat the banana, angelboy. Please,” Caine begged, his voice trying to be kind but coming out as pissed off.

“NO!” Katherine shouted, angrily.

Caine slammed his fist against the table, yelling, “Goddamnit, Katherine! Eat the fuckin banana or you’re not leaving this kitchen!!” Caine instantly regretted his harsh words when he saw Kat look at him with such hurt before he burst into tears.

“You asshole!!” Kat screamed. “You don’t understand! You don’t know what it’s like to be me, to have been raped by not only your Daddy but someone else too! And now you’re yelling at me and threatening me! How can you be so mean?!! DON’T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HURT ME WHEN YOU BEAT ME EARLIER TODAY?!!!” Katherine screamed and threw the banana to the floor, his body shaking violently from his heaving sobs.

Caine opened his mouth to say something, but stopped. He shook his head back and forth furiously as tears began streaming down his face. “Wo…wo…would yo…yo…you excuse me?” he said then ran out of the room before Katherine could reply.

Katherine was too shocked to react at first. He had expected Caine to yell something back at him, hit him, punch a wall, but he hadn’t expected Caine to cry and leave. “Caine!” Katherine called getting up and leaving the kitchen. Kat saw Caine going into the bedroom and called out to him, “Caine wait. Let’s talk about…” Katherine was responded to by the slamming of the bedroom door. Shit, he is acting so weird, Kat thought, worry growing inside him.

Once inside the bedroom Caine raced to his clothing closet. He stepped into it and slammed the door shut and locked it. He was crying silently and his fingers were shaking like a drug addict’s. I know I said that I quit but, he thought, I can’t deal with how I feel right now. I CAN’T DEAL WITH ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING!!! He looked around a moment before he found what he wanted, his trusty old hammer. Caine stared at it a moment, his heart pounding in eager anticipation. I need this! I want this! He took the hammer in his right hand, extended his left hand and gripped a shelf edge. Then he swung the hammer and it hit his left arm with a audible THUNK. “AAAAAGGGgg!!” he shouted, despite trying not to cry out.

Katherine heard Caine’s scream and rushed to the closet. “Caine are you alright? What are you doing in there?” he asked, beginning to get a very bad feeling.

Caine heard Katherine, but didn’t bother to answer. Instead he struck his arm again with the hammer. “AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!” he cried, bolts of pain shooting throughout his entire arm. But Caine enjoyed. Already he was starting to feel better. The pain in his arm pushed the pain he felt inside out of his mind. He raised the hammer again and struck his arm but this time he only grunted from the pain instead of screaming. This feels so good, it makes me feel so good, he thought.

“Caine!! Caine!” Katherine screamed, pounding on the door with his good hand. “Answer me, please. What are you…” Kat heard another THUNK and a grunt the suddenly he knew what Caine was doing. “NO!!” Kat screamed, banging on the door, in a futile effort. “Stop it! I know what you’re doing! You’re hurting yourself, aren’t you, Caine! Please stop! Stop!” Katherine cried, still hitting the door.

But Caine had no intention of stopping, not yet at least. He hit his arm harder and faster with the hammer, covering it in bruises from wrist to bicep. More, I want more pain, Caine thought as he stuck his arm. More pain on the outside cause it’s not greater then the pain on the inside yet.

Katherine was kicking the door and throwing his weight against it now. He was frantic to get to Caine. Caine’s hurting himself because of me! He thought. It’s my fault! “Caine, please don’t hurt yourself anymore!” he sobbed as he heard more and more THUNKS. I have to make him stop! I have to help him!

Caine’s arm was beginning to lose feeling, much to his disappointment. Caine, however wasn’t ready to stop yet so he sat down and hit his left thigh with the hammer. He hit it again and again and again and again and again. Over and over until he’d hit his thigh 45 times.

Katherine finally thought of an idea to make Caine stop. He’s not going to like it but I can’t let him do this to himself. “Caine if you don’t open the door and stop hurting yourself right now I’m going to call 911!” he shouted.

“I don’t believe you would!” Caine shouted back and stuck his thigh again.

“I will and I am!” Katherine shouted back and walked toward the bedroom phone. He picked up the receiver and was about to dial when the closet door opened and Caine walked out. “Caine!” Kat exclaimed and put the receiver down. He rushed over to Caine and hugged him tightly with one arm. “I love you, please don’t hurt yourself anymore!” he said.

Caine hugged Katherine back with his right arm his left hanging at his side. “I love you, too. And I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he whispered over and over again, trying not to cry.

“Caine can I see you left arm?” Katherine asked, stepping out of their embrace and noticing how Caine’s left arm just hung there.

Caine lifted his left arm with his right hand and held it out for Kat to see. He had thought about not letting Kat see but decided that if Kat wanted to then he should cut him a break and let him.

Kat rolled up Caine’s sleeves and gasped in horror when he saw his arm. “Jesus-fuckin-christ! Oh, Caine, your arm! Your arm, it’s just on giant mass of bruises. This is my fault, I made you want to do this. I’m sorry, oh fuck, I’m so sorry,” he said. He rolled the sleeve up even more and saw that there were more bruises. This is my fault! “Caine!” he sobbed and began crying again.

“It’s not your fault. I did this to my self. No one is responsible for it but me, you understand?” Caine said and limped to the bed and sat down. I don’t want Kat thinking anything he did caused this because I caused it and I did it, he thought.

“Is something wrong with your left leg?” Kat asked, sitting down beside Caine and taking hold of his right hand.

“It’s my thigh. I hurt it too. It’ll be okay, it’s not as bad as my arm, promise,” Caine added after seeing Katherine’s skeptical stare.

“I’ll get you some icepacks and some of the cream the hospital gave me. And you can have some of the pain medication, too,” Katherine said and got off the bed and headed for the door.

“You don’t have to give me any of your stuff, Kat. I’m fine,” Caine said, holding his left arm gently in his right.

“You’re not ‘fine’, Caine! “ Kat shouted. “You’re hurt and you might have even broken your arm! So can you please just shut up and let me take care of you for a change!” Katherine commanded then left the room, leaving Caine silent and quite stunned.

It was very different for Katherine to be taking care of him and he wasn’t sure how to react to it. Kat is so much stronger inside then I am, Caine realized. After all the shit that he’s been through it’s amazing he hasn’t committed suicide. I would have done so years ago if I had to go through what he went through. And now, after he’s been raped he is able to stop thinking about his own pain and take care of me. He’s so amazing, so strong. I know he thinks of me as his strength but I bet he doesn’t know that I think of him as my strength, my lifeboat, my oasis in this desert of pain. He is much stronger then he realizes. I love him, and I need him so much. I would die without him. I would just not be able to live on without him and his love and strength.

Katherine walked slowly back into the room after about 10 minutes. He was struggling to carry three large icepacks in his one good hand and clutched the tube of cream and bottle of medicine between his teeth. Caine got off the bed and took what Kat was carrying and Kat leaned against him as they walked the rest of the way to the bed and sat down on the end of it.

“Okay, I guess you should take your pants and shirt off so I can rub the cream in better and the ice will be more effective,” Katherine said, assisting Caine with unbuttoning his shirt and pants then helped him out of both.

“I’ll help you rub the cream, it’ll work better with two hands,” Caine said, his voice sounding quite different then what Kat was use to. It sounded little and sad, almost resigned, Katherine believed.

“We only have two good hands between the both of us!” Kat said with a half-hearted laugh. He squeezed out some cream into his hand and tenderly began to smooth in over Caine’s very battered arm.

Caine cringed in pain but didn’t cry out as he and Kat rubbed his whole arm down. I did this to myself on purpose so it would be stupid to whine, Caine concluded.

“You’re so strong,” Katherine said, admiringly. I would be crying and screaming my head off but he is barely flinching. “If I were as strong as you maybe I wouldn’t hurt you like I did today.”

Caine shook his head, and rolled his eyes. “I’m not strong, angelboy. I try to act tough on the outside but inside…inside I’m scared. Inside I’m still a frightened, self loathing little boy. I can’t deal with all the shit that’s been happening, that’s why I hurt myself. I can’t get rid of our problems and I can’t cope with them so I try to lessen them in my mind. The pain the hammer gives me distracts me from the real pain if only for a brief time.” Caine didn’t want to cry, he always hated crying, but he couldn’t help it. “I’m sorry I don’t understand what you are going through, I’m sorry I can’t be strong for you, Kat,” he sniffled and sucked in air, feeling completely useless.

“But you are strong. You’re always there for me, you…” Katherine trailed off, confused at Caine’s words. He always seems so tough, so strong and in control. I never knew that he felt like that.

“You’re the one that’s strong, Kat. If I had went through all the terrible shit you went through I would have killed myself. But you’re still here, you keep living, keep surviving. You are so much stronger then you realize, baby,” Caine said, then began rubbing the cream into his bruised thigh.

Katherine didn’t know what to say. He had never thought of himself as strong. I’m a whore, a bitch, I’m worthless, he thought. How can Caine think I’m anything but that? “I’m NOT strong!” he shouted, his eyes naked with fear as the tears pooled in them. “The only reason I keep living is because of you Caine. Before I meet you I WANTED to die. I had even tried to commit suicide once before. I used a razorblade to slit my wrists but I didn’t lose enough blood before Jose found me. He was so pissed at me, he took a curtain rod and beat the shit out of me with it before he fucked me. I’m not strong. If…if…if…if I were strong…then I would be able to look in the mirror without hating what I see!” Katherine yelled through his sobs. “And it’s not your fault you don’t understand. I’m sorry I got mad at you. It’s my fault you don’t understand. My fault for not being strong enough to share it with you. I’m scared, Caine. I’m so fuckin scared!!” Katherine cried, lunging forward toward Caine.

Caine wrapped his right hand around Katherine and pulled him to him, making sure not to hurt Kat’s hand. “Oh goddamn, I don’t know what to do or say. I don’t know how to make things right. I want you to be happy; I want to be happy. I don’t know…I don’t know. I’m scared, too! I love you, Katherine. I love you and I won’t ever leave you. But I don’t know what to do!” Caine cried, losing his balance and falling back into a laying position on the bed, Kat still in his arms. Caine’s eyes were red and puffy from all his tears and he looked very much like the teenage boy who just discovered his older brother had hanged himself.

“Jose…he…he was the one who raped me today,” Katherine whispered, shame causing his cheeks to blush strawberry red. “He hurt me! He fucked me then he strapped me! And it was….it was….JUST LIKE I WAS WITH MY DADDY!!” Katherine shrieked and buried his face against Caine’s chest. He was crying harder then Caine was, drool was escaping from his mouth and dripping onto Caine’s chest. “Then he tried to make me suck his dick but I just couldn’t! His penis…it reminded me of my Daddy’s. I vomited onto his lap and…he started to choke me as punishment. He was going to kill me! I was so scared, Caine! And he…he said things to me. Things that were mean but true. I am a whore, I am dirty, and I am just a bitch!” Kat sobbed, as his whole body shook.

“You are not any of those things, angelboy! You aren’t! That bastard, Jose, is just trying to hurt you! Don’t believe a goddamn thing he says!” Caine shouted, tasting snot on his lips, but didn’t want to take his hand off of Kat to wipe his nose. “We’ll get help, Kat. Dr. Rashid will help us. Some…some…day…it’ll…everything…will be…o…okay. Some…da…day,” Caine stuttered as he cried and began to drool too.

Katherine didn’t say anything. He still didn’t want to go see Dr. Rashid tomorrow but he knew he didn’t have a choice. If Caine didn’t make him then that creepy doctor at the hospital would. But right now he didn’t want to think of that. He didn’t want to think of anything but being with Caine, being held by him, being loved by him. Caine is strong, not me, he thought, with certainty and finality.

The next day Caine was already dressed and ready for work by the time Katherine woke up. Kat yawned, and tried to stretch but stopped and cried out in pain. “Oooww, fuck!” Damn that bastard Jose, he really knew what he was doing, he thought. Kat carefully got out of bed and walked out into the kitchen in his pajamas, which was a black spaghetti top, and flannel pink pants with red hearts on them.

“Hi, sleeping beauty,” Caine greeted Katherine, who was standing in the doorway. “Have a seat. I’ll fix you breakfast before I leave.”

Katherine wanted to try to deter Caine from making him eat but he didn’t want Caine to get upset so he said, “I’ll just have a yogurt,” and sat down at the table.

Caine got a banana flavored yogurt out of the fridge and handed it to Katherine along with a spoon. “So you’re going to eat it?” Caine asked, surprised. He had expected at least some resistance. That Kat had given in so easily and was now eating the yogurt made him a little suspicious.

“It’s not like I want to eat it but I don’t want to upset you. Why are you looking at me like that? I’d thought you would be glad?!” Katherine asked, getting nervous that Caine was on to him. He doesn’t know I’m going to puke the yogurt up after he leaves, does he? Kat wondered, anxiously.

“Kat you’re not going to do anything stupid are you?” Caine asked, staring severely at Katherine. Caine walked over to one of the many cabinet and pulled out bottle of Men’s One A Day vitamins. He set the bottle in front of Katherine and stood next to where Kat sat.

“What the fuck do you mean by ‘stupid’. I’m already eating the damn yogurt so it’s a little late to not do anything ‘stupid’,” Kat snapped. He stared fiercely at Caine, wishing he’d just go to work already. He finished the yogurt and threw the carton away and placed the spoon in the sink before sitting back down, still glaring angrily at Caine.

“Eating isn’t stupid! Your body needs nourishment, Kat. But if you are planning on doing anything dumb like puking up the food I make you eat then at least take one of these vitamins, kay?” Caine replied, and placed on of the pills in Kat’s hand.

Katherine took the vitamin from Caine and put it back in the bottle, saying, “I’ll take one later after I…while you know. If you know that I vomit up the food then why…”

“I didn’t know for sure I just suspected it. But now that you admitted it I guess I won’t bother trying to get you to eat. I guess that’s therapy’s job,” Caine said. He bent down and kissed Kat on the forehead then deeply on the lips. His tongue slipped into Katherine’s mouth, causing Katherine to shudder in pleasure. Caine’s hand reached down and gripped Kat’s little dick through his pants.

“Aaaaahhhh!” Katherine moaned in pleasure and grabbed Caine’s crotch. But all too soon Caine’s mouth pulled away from his. “Can we fuck before you go,” Katherine whispered, his voice soft and silky with arousal.

“I wish I could but I have to get to work early today so I have to leave…SHIT I SHOULD HAVE LEFT 10 MINUTES AGO!!” Caine shouted when he looked at the clock. “Sorry, angelboy, I’ll make it up to you later, I promise. I love you,” Caine said and gave Kat a quick kiss then hurried out of the house.

“Bye, I love you too,” Katherine called after him. He then went to the bathroom and threw up the yogurt. He rinsed his mouth out afterwards and brushed his teeth before going back to the kitchen to take one of the vitamins. I think I’ll go for a walk but I better not go alone. It’s not safe, he thought. I’ll call Stacy and see if he’ll walk with me. Kat walked to the phone and did so.

“Hi, Stacy Kirkland speaking,” Stacy said over the phone.

“Hi, Stacy. It’s me, Katherine. Are you doing anything right now?” Katherine asked.

“Well sort of. I’m kind of with a client right now but I should be finished up soon. Why you want to fuck or something?” Stacy asked, singling for the man in bed next to him that he’d be off the phone in a second. Stacy was a prostitute by trade, making good money the “easy way” as he put it. His client was a very plump, hairy, man who claimed to be in his 40’s but Stacy thought he looked at least 65.

“No I don’t want to fuck. I was hoping we could just hang out and go for a walk. Does that sound lame?” Katherine asked, beginning to feel that he must sound so stupid and lame to Stacy.

“That doesn’t sound lame! It sounds nice. And after I’m through with this client a walk with you will be a welcome relief, kid,” Stacy whispered, with a laugh. He liked his job okay, it paid more then waiting tables and the other jobs he would be able to get with not even a high school diploma. But sometimes it was pretty gross. Like now, he thought, glancing at the large man who was grinning and licking his lips eagerly. I’m nothing more then a whore with a cute face and hot body to him and all those like him, but if it pays the bills then I’ll gladly be a whore, he thought.

“Okay, thanks. Can you meet me at my house?” Katherine asked, glad that Stacy hadn’t blown him off.

“Okay. See you later kid,” Stacy said and hung up the phone. He turned back to the man and his work.

Katherine hung up the phone and went to get dress. Stacy is the closet friend I have now that Brian moved away. It’ll be nice to see him again.


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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

   My kitty, Camo

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