Friday, May 20, 2005

I could cry everytime I see my father, which really isn't very often. I had admiting it, but I do miss him, as much of a horrable father he is most of the time, I cna't help but think on the way he used to be.
It's silly little things really. Like .. How when he and my mother were still together and we're go to the super market. Me and him would walk around and look at the lobsters, or go to the candy wall and get some befor my mom found out.
Or he'd say "Lets go for a drive Jess" and he'd take me out for ice cream and always say "Don't tell your sisters"
I remember when I was really little, I used to idleize hime. I'd comb my bangs over the way he did his. I'd watch him shave and he's put a little of the shaving cream on my stomic just so I could smell like him.
Now the only time I talk to him is when I want a ride somewhere, or need money. I know it sounds horrable, but it's true. I feel like I'm talking to a stranger when I talk to him.
When he first left, I felt like I was dead, like it was all jsut a horrable dream befor death, so I cut myself to check to see if I was alive. Unfortenitly, I was.
But I know complaining about it will never make things better, he has a girlfriend to pay attention to now, so he should jsut ignore his kids.
I'm outtie ...
Comments (1) | Permalink

Monday, May 16, 2005

   Ever to get to the point where it's like, Death isn't enough ... cutting isn't enough, crying isn;t enough. It would jsut be so much better if you could jsut just earse your life forever, and no one knew were even here, not even for a secound.
I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my entire life. Even Eddy isn't being much of a friend. I think it hurts most when people say they care, but then do something to prove that it's jsut like ... pity care. If that even makes sence.
You knwo that feeling you get in the back of your eyes when you try to hold tears back, that's all I've been feeling sence yesterday.
I don't think I've ever cut myself this bad. It's going to be hard to hide.
I guess I jsut needed to get this all out. I'm outtie ..
Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, May 15, 2005

   Poor Lil Gay Bastard! ;-;
Last night I had a movie night all to myself, which was really fun ^^
My friend Andrew called me twice. He's a total sweetie, but he likes this guy, Goots, who's stright, and I really really don't want Andrew to egt hurt. I love the lil muffin to peices.
I mean what the hell am I suposed to tell the guy. He's totally and hoplessly inlove with the guy. My friend Andrew (different one) is like best friends with Goots, and he says that Goots dosn't even really like girls (weird I knwo O.o) I jsut feel so bad for Andrew *sigh* He's such a sweet, cute, funny guy. But I guess it's hard bein one of the very few gay guys in out school.
He sounded so sad last night ... and very drunk ^^; heh ^^;;
Gosh Neiko sucks monkey balls when he's sick. He complains more than me (if that's even possable xD)
I havn't talked to cody sence Friday and I miss em so so much!!! I swear the dude is like .. PERFECT!!!^___^ I can't but smile whenever I think about him, corny huh =P* .. oh well ^^;; lol*
Anyway! I guess I'm outtie .. Mwah! Luv yeah! xo's!!
Comments (1) | Permalink

Saturday, May 14, 2005

   So I havn;t really updated in a few days, but I am now so that's all the matters!
Last night I went out with Tyler, Selena, Brittany, Andrew and Anothey .... Pretty fun! ^^ We shared 5 joints between us, I don't think I've ever has the munchies so bad lol* We went to every store on the hill! (There's 4)
Brittany bought a ciggerett. I don't smoke, but I kinda like to have a few draws after I smoke weed, it makes your buzz even better. Anyway it was in Selena's pocket and she cracked it in half - -" ... grr .. Anyway, we lit them both and Brittany had the one WITHOUT a filter, and I thought it had one so when she put it to my lips I took a huge puff ... Gosh it burned ^^;
I got Tyler and Anothey to walk me home because there's this crazy dude on my road that scared the hell outta me. So tehy stayed until about 1am or so, then! I went to sleep. It was a pretty awesome night actually, I had a laugh!
Anyway, Remember the guy I wrote about in my last entry, the one I wanted to talk to. I was mean to him ;-; I dind't think I was but Jackie said I was... He was sitting my my desk when I came into History and I was like standing up waiting for him to get up so then I'm like "Can I sit in my seat?" I didn't think it was mean, but Jackie said whatever way I said it, I sounded like a bithc, and I've felt horrable about it ever sence.
Ahh! I'm totally inlove! ^__^ Cody is the most amazing guy ever! I swear, I can't even say his anme without smiling. I'll be in shcool or something and think of him and I look like an idiot because I jsut cna't stop smiling ^_^ He's so perfect! ^^
OKay, enough of this =P* lol* Mwah! Luv yeah all! xo's!
Comments (0) | Permalink

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

   I am possably the most retarded person I know! I'm just .. weird ... I can walk right up to a good looking popular guy and make friends no problem, but when it comes to the geeky guys I get all shy and can't talk to them at all.
There's this guy in my History class that I really want to talk to. I don't know I wanna talk to him so bad, I just do. I guess because he reminds me so much of Neiko. Anyway, he's kinda geeky and I can never ever get the curage to talk to him. I knwo it sounds stupid, but I jsut get so shy around him.
I almost did it today, I was really really close actually. I was standing at the locker, and he was just up the hall a little bit, and the halls were like dead. I thought this would be the perfect chance. So I took a deep breath, fixed myself a little and started walking forward. I felt like I could actually do it. Then as soon as I got close my friend Ben cut in and asked me if we has Histroy today, and then I was just talking to him for a little bit. I was kinda glad Ben was there because I mean .... what if this guy dosn't like me, and jsut thinks I'm stupid or something.
*sigh* I know ... I'm a loser, but I cna't help but be shy. Oh well ... I guess I'm outtie now. I just thought I'd complain for a little bit =P* ... Mwah! Luvs yeah!!! xo's!!
Comments (0) | Permalink

Monday, May 9, 2005

   Good day!! ^__^
Like the stupid lil subject line says, today was a pretty good day! ^^ School was well ... schoolish =P* ...
After school, I went down to Tim Hortans with my friend Jess, which was good because we havn't been spending much time together latly. I think she goes trhough phases with people, and was starting to get sick of me or something. So i was hoping to spend a few hours with her. On our way home. I was sipping on my coffee when it went down the wrong way -Gosh I hate that- anyway, I ended up like ... drowning O.o And coffee starting comming out through my nose. I couldn't help but laughing .. it tasted like hot dogs xD which was kinda gross cause I don't like hot dogs much lol*
I asked Randi if I could have her hamster Hammie. She said if it was okay with Chris (her boyfriend) it was okay with her. I'm thrilled now that my lil Hammerella is in my room with me! ^^
Randi's weird when it comes to animals. It's like .. She wants them but as soon as relizes the work involved, or tehy annoy her at all then she dons't want them (She's 19 - -") It's like ... We have two cats. Cindy and Simon. Cindy was my cat from the beganing. Then Randi brought Simon home when he was jsut three weeks old because his owner was going to snap his little neck. But as soon as Simon got big and Randi had to help with the kitty litter pan she passed him over to me. It was the same with Hammie. She liked her for a month or so, then work was invloved and she relzied she's have to clean the cage every once in a while - -" I ussually did it anyway, so i guess it dosn't really matter.
Anyway, Jess is here now so I guess I'm gonna go. Mwah! I love you all!!! xo's!!
Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, May 8, 2005

   Patoes!
OKay! So! I thought I'd right in this while I was waiting for my fries to cook, I'm SOOO hungry for real food =P*
I slept at my Erynn's last night ... Pretty fun! We made chocolate cupcakes for breakfest ... which is probly why I'm so hungry for real food xD lol*
It was my first time ever in Erynn's house, I really like it! ^^ It's small and cozy, uber cute ^^
We rented "Sleepover" I totally love taht movie lol* It was awesome xD ... Dude in it is my future husband, I've never seen such a sexy fucker =P*
Anyway! I smell burning, so I guess taht means my fries are done! ^_^ Mwah! Luvs yeah all!!
Comments (0) | Permalink

Friday, May 6, 2005

   OKay so I'm in a much better mood today ^_^ I called Eddy last night and we talked for a few hours befor I got tierd and went to sleep. I told him that I had cut myself that day and he sounded like he pretty upset. But he told me to tell him about these things so he could help me, and he did. I always feel better after talking with him.
I stayed with Faye, Chelsea, and Jarrad at lunch. Chelsea and I were checking every single guy out lol* We say this really crazy kinda hott guy and were a bit to loud and he head us lol*
OKay, well I have to go clean the kitchen now befor it drives me retarded, I'm a total clean freak ^_^;; Mwha! I love you all! xD xo's!
Comments (0) | Permalink

Thursday, May 5, 2005

Isn't it weird how there could be so many people around you, but still you can feel alone ... I'm like that aloud. I could be in the middle of a group of people and feel so crazy kind of alone. I'd kill for one REAL friend. No some guy that jsut wants to get down my pants, or some girl that just talks to me to get to the guys that wanna get down my pants, no some in class friend that I just talk to, or something like that. Like a real real friend. I do have one .. but he lives an hour away. My friend Brad said "Yes Woman" today in class to me when I was bugging him and I started to cry. I dind't even relize I was until he pointed it out and apologized, thinking he had said something wrong. Eddy used to alwasy say "Damnit Woman" whenever I messed up his hair, I guess it just made me think about him.
I'm so jealous of the poeople that my "friends" make fun of, as ironic as it is. It seems to me that they all have actualy friendships. Most of my "friends" care for themselves and themsleves only. So I guess it does make sence, when I saw I feel lonly no matter how many people are around me. I guess I jsut matured faster than everyone else because they all seem to still be pleased with there self-centered lifes ... I don't even go out with my friends anymore. I figured I'd type up this instead of cutting myself like I ussually would.
Comments (2) | Permalink

Monday, May 2, 2005

   Here in Consumers class
Okay, so I havn't wrote an entry here in what seems like forever, so shoot me, I got lazy =P* Infact, I'm only writing one now because I'm bored in my Comsumers Studies class and I figured I should do something atleast a little constructive =P* ...
Hmm ... I guess I should update now huh ... Well!! I missed like 11 days of school in a row because I'm a horrable human being and I was skipping school like a lil skeet =P* Anyway I got cought and I am now on my third week of tracking. Tracking is this stupid little sheet that they make you give to each of your class teachers and sign for each and every class you ahve that day. I'm starting to get attached to my skeet sheet all the same =P*
I'm so mad, I'm stuck on one of the computers that DOSN'T have MSN ... And I like don't know mnay people in the class. Well I know a few people, I just don't actually like them xD ... Besides Jillie Bean, but she's an uber skeet and it's a mircial if she ever comes to class.
I went to my Mothers's friend's cabin last week. I think she thinks I'm troubled because I skipped school and junk, so she was trying to be nice. I really like Love anyway ^^ She's a nice woman ... Anyway! Her Grandson was there and I've never ever meant such an annoying little fucker in my entire life .. He's soo ... so ... Just so damn geeky lol* And he brought his little girlfriend with him .. It was like two of the worlds most annoying people. Then they critizied me because I slept with Elliot and Eddy Jr (A moose plushie, and a lil doggie one that I sleep with every night =P* ) Oh! and we went to this mall place and Love told me to pick out an outfit. I picked out the cute pink velvet gym suit, totally cute and conmie, and they were all like "Eww pink" ... The insults just roamed through my mind the entire week.
I don't know why, but today is going by so so fast. I'll bore you all even more by telling you about my day so far xD
First period I had English, which I can't even really remember because it seemed to fly by so quickly.
After English I had writing, my most favorite course ever for two reason! 1. Mr Dinn is my all time favorite teacher. 2. Tyler Pittman! xD We had to write two journal entrys today, one on spring, and one with some confusing word that I just wrote "I am thinking" for. Anyway, Sir made a few people read things out, this one fat ugly chick, with discusting hair wrotye about horny animals and rape and sex ... O.o .. I thought it was kinda creepy. Creepy but funny. The rest of the class was just me and Tyler making fun of Renee ... Because she's ugly xD
After that I had Histroy, which I totally couldn't keep my eyes open for. I think I still have the print oif my first on the cheek. I thought of Paul the whole period, his name is all over my desk =P* (I have a habbit of writing guys names everywhere when I like them) Pretty soon his name will be all over every class room desk, every book I own, all the girls bathrooms, and the elovater xD ... Just ask Neiko, I used to draw him pretty pictures lol*
Then was lunch! which I spent with Jarred, Faye, and Chelsea. We sat on the floor on one of the hallways. Mea dn Chelsea were just checking everyone out, Jarred think I'm a fucktard =P* .. mmm .. Maybe cause I am =P*
After lunch I had Music. I practised my sheet music for a little bit, and Roman helped me. Which was fun.
And now! I am living the excitment that in Consumers class, wasting almost 20 mins typing up this pointless bullshit =P* Oh well .. Someone better atleast comment on it lol*
So .. I guess I really don't have much else to typem which sucks because there's still like a half hour left to class .. Oh well .. I guess I'm outtie .. Mwah! xo's!! Luvs yeah!! ^__^
Comments (1) | Permalink