Friday, October 8, 2004

...........................................
Many people told me that it sounds like you have read it. Unless you are reading some of my other stuff I'm not sure. Because that is the first time I've heard of it... I should know, I wrote the damn thing.

Anyway, I'm not copying it, just to let you know. That is most of my past. Not all of it, mind you, just most of it.

So yes, it did happen. I, of course, didn't write everything that happend. I don't feel like typing everything that was said... yelled... So... Yeah, all I wanted to say today.

-sighs- Sorry, I'm just mad today.
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Thursday, October 7, 2004

   Was it...........
The drark gray rain clouds quickly coverd the already night sky. I saw you walking away from me and called out to you. You turned and looked at me with your beautiful chocolate brown eyes. What I saw in them I was unsure. Was it fear, sadness, or just both. But either way you turned around and walked off into the distance.

"Its going to rain!" I called out, but you just kept walking. "If you don't come in right now, I'm going to locked the door and not open it if you knock." Still you kept walking.

I jogged after you, but you thought it was a game, so you ran. I was angry and called you names.

Suddenly the rain started and fell down hard. I heard it all around us, and only saw you. I tried to go to you, but the car got to you first.

I was angry, so I called you names.

I was scared, so I just stood there and watched.

I was broken, so I cried harder then the rain.

In a dream you were there. I reached for you but you walked away. I cried and called, but still you stood there. I begged and pleaded and still you left.

I just wanted to hold you, and feel you breath.

I just wanted to hold you , and say I'm sorry.

For a long time I would call you to come inside. When I could sleep, I sleept by the door to wait for you.

But even now I can't help but wonder...

was it a horrible nightmare...

or...

was it my nightmarish past???

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Wednesday, October 6, 2004

   Behind the Mask
.:poem Behind the Mask:.
Behind this smile,
You can't see,
The past,
My soul tries to Keep.

In my eyes,
You can't see,
The pain that,
My heart is going through.

In my voice,
You can't hear,
The lie I live,
And wounds I bear.

But in my soul,
You see the truth,
And help me with,
What I'm going through.

And so with my love,
I give to you,
My heart, in which,
Belongs to you.

.:Journal:.

I wrote this today in class. It may suck, buy You'll eventually get over it. Why? Because I said so. Just kidding. Anyway, two reasons I wrote this poem. I was thinking of the last story I put up, which is based after an RP I'm in, and how much I wish I could have someone to see the pain I'm living.

I broke up with my ex becasue he didn't understand me. He was so full of himself. Always wanted attention. But, I still love him. We are currently talking again. Will we ever get back together again. Honestly, I don't want to. I just want to be his friend.

I guess, the reason is because I'm still beating myself up with what happened to "him". Oh God, how I miss him. The poem was to him also. He was the one to see past everything when we first met.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I hand you my heart I watch you fade and hear you say goodbye.

I couldn't do anything but watch the traces of you disappear and listen to my heart shatter.

Will I ever see you again? and, Will you ever forgive me? Keep running through my head.

Maybe even faster then the blood running from my wrists.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was my best friend... my only true friend... the only one who...

It's hard to see through tears. I'll post again tomorrow. I'll try to make it happier too.

~Kodoku Phoenix

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Tuesday, October 5, 2004

Many Have no Clue (short story of Ayame and Haru)
Golden eyes looked out into the distance. He smiled when he saw the white and black haired teen sitting under a tree in the lonely wooded area. As quietly as a snake can he snuck up behind the teen. "I've missed you my Haru." he whispered.

Haru jumped a little then looked at the snake behind him. "Must you always do that Ayame? You know I'm starting to expect these things already." He hugged his silver haired lover. "I caught the mouse and the cat making out."

Ayame smiled. "They are dumb." a kiss. "They don't know how to sneak around." another kiss. "At least not like us."

Haru suddenly looked sad. "They found Tohru's body in the lake behind the Main House earlier."

"Well, it's about damn time." Ayame said. "I'm mean, that is horrible. Who would do such a thing to a sweet young girl?"

They both laughed.

Haru snuggled into the embrace that Ayame had him in. "How did the ones in the Main house take it? Were they as upset as we thought would be?"

Haru nodded. "They were all upset. I had to pretend I was too. But all I could think of was how did you do it." Another kiss was shared, this one a little longer. "How are we going to keep offing them without them getting suspicous?"


Ayame shrugged. "I don't think that they will suspect me so easily, My Love." Ayame answered truthfully. "Many Have no clue on how I really am, and most have thoughts that I can't do anything right."

"You know I love you and I will never think of you like that, right 'Yame?" Haru stated as he looked into Ayame's eyes. "I truly think we were meant to be."

Ayame smiled. "I know Love, I know. And sadly no one will ever know the real me." The two kissed again more passionatly.

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Monday, October 4, 2004

   Today is so not fun.... *cries*
Here I sit alone in the darkness, alone in the only place I can call my own.

No one beside me and no one around for miles to hear my scream.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay so today really sucks. I'm sick and I was plagued with nightmares all night. Well not really nightmares but memories of the past. Damn my screwed up childhood. I was forced to grow up. It really sucks.

And these damn memories are ones I would really love to forget.

Memories of the someone that was closest to you dying is not what I want. It's my fault he is dead. If only I was such a better person he wouldn't be dead. It's been over a year and I most nights I still cry myself to sleep. Other nights I wake up crying, scared and frightfully alone.

Yup just like Hakkai. Regrets of the past and nightmares that sometimes keeps him awake. Always hiding behind a fake smile. Yes, exactly like Hakkai.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If, by chance, someone were to hear my cries and come to my side, I'd just smile.

Smile and tell them everything is okay.

I guess I have just become accustomed of sitting here in the darkness alone.

Darkness, the only place I can call my own.

~Phoenix
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Sunday, October 3, 2004

   Paradise
When the gun shot rang through the empty valley the small pups three travling companions quickly took off in search of thier fourth member.

There lying between Pops and the one dressed in black was Toboe in a pool of his own blood. Tsume was quickly at his side.

"What happened?" Hige asked his voice cracking with tears. "Why is he covered in blood like that?" he ran up to the pup, but a growl kept him from getting too close.

"Hige, not to close." Kiba stated as calmly as possible walking up behind Hige. His watery glassy eyes defying what his mask of indifference was saying.

"Toboe? Toboe!" Tsume whispered feircely over and over to the one in his arms.

"Tsu... Ts'me" Toboe whimpered in pain. "Ts'me, what's happ...ening"

"You're dying." Tsume answered. "You're..." silent tears rolled down his cheeks. "You're finally going to Paradise."

Hige and Kiba walked into Toboe's sight, letting their small friend know he wasn't alone. He was never alone. Toboe smiply smiled at the three through his pain driven tears. "Don't cry guys. I'm... going to... Paradise. And... I'll see you... when you... get... there."

Off in the distance you could hear the painful howls of the three wolves who lost the innocence of their group.
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   MY POOR TOBOE-KOI!!!
Wa~h. Toboe got shot. Okay 1: I cried so damn hard. I don't know if anyone can tell but I'm also obsessed with Toboe. Fuck I am Toboe. I was so mad that they left it as a cliffhanger. I know Tsume is upset and angry that I got shot. Right Tsume???

I miss my Toboe already. So today I will be sadend by the happenings of my Toboe-koi.

If anything bad happenes to Toboe, I will personally kill Darcia. Even though he is another character I like I will kill him. And just for the hell of it, I'll also kill Cheza and Blue. Cheza because I can not stand her for what she did to Toboe a while back... Stupid "Flower Maiden" not taking the damn present I was giving her.

Blue because she made me upset in back of the jeep. I risked my life for Pop's just so she could be happy. I swear she better appreciate what I did for her... even though I think he's dead. I STILL TRIED DAMMIT! Why did I do it. Damn my friendly, childish, naive heart.

I LOVE TOBOE!!!!!

Oh and Kiba-kun also went to the Circus too Kit-chan. I hope you guys had fun. I would never go... you know afraid of clowns and all.
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Saturday, October 2, 2004

   Happy Birthday Rai-chan!
Today is my neice's birthday and I had so many things to do. She is turning 2 and I don't even want to go into the whole "Terrible Two's" because she is terrible enough. Anyway she is turning 2 and still wears a size 12 months. Yes she is that tiny.

My cousin Kiba-kun is coming over later today. Kit-chan call me when you can so I can give you more info on Kaze, I think I know how I want his hair to be.

This morning when I woke up I ate pinapples and drank orange juice for breakfast. I love pinapples. Yes I know that was completely random.

Everyone cheer. In four more days my new game comes out. I'm getting Nocturne for PS2. I'm so happy. I just need some more games. I reserved Devil May Cry 3, Kingdom Hearts 2, and Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories so I have those to look forward to. OH, I want the new Zelda game... has anyone heard of it? Not Minishing Cap, but the one coming out in late 2005, early 2006. I've seen the trailers for it and it is great.

Does anyone like my new Toboe layout. Yay for Toboe.
I got Shadow Hearts: Covenant the other day and I don't like it too much. I think it is boring. Anyway I'm gonna go and read around for a while. I might post again later.

Bai bai.

~Phoenix-chan

"Aw man. Why did I even bother to rescue this guy in the first place? He's anti-social, thinks he's Evil Keneveal and hardly speaks." ~Duo Maxwell (Gundam Wing)
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Friday, October 1, 2004

   Editing
Okay so I'm still trying to get this whole thing down. I just put up an avi I got form Demonsprites Website. Thank You Demonsprite.
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   I hate being a n00b!
Like the subject says. I hate being a newbie, but it happens to everyone. At least I hope it does. If not then... it sucks to be me.

Anyway, I will try to keep up with this one. I have had so many other online things I just completely forgot about.

Right now I'm just sitting in my room on the computer. Don't get me wrong, I'm not on the computer all day. I do go to school you know. Other then that I have no life so I like to read Web Comics. So far my fave Web Comic is Mission Tranc3 at Morbid-Prince.

Other than boring stuff I really don't know what to write about.

For Halloween I am going to the movies with a couple of friends. I would say I'll go dressed up, but I always dress the way I'm going to. I'm vampiric so I always wear the long dresses and stuff.

I just bought the Descendants of Darkness Manga in English the other day. I carry it every where. Oh Jeebus I love the way Hisoka's eyes are in there.

Well I guess I'll go for tonight. I do have school people. At least I wish I didn't, but What can I say, right?

Bai bai minna-sama.

~Phoenix-chan

"I died of an illness, an incurable illness." ~Hisoka *Descendants of Darkness anime*
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